The Peevery

Living MadTV

There's an old MadTV skit with Mo Collins playing an older woman who clears her throat A LOT. That is my boss, all day long. It is very annoying.

The Family that Stews Together

I was at a Super Bowl party and a co-worker informed me that both he and his wife were bent out of shape because I did not greet his wife with a hug at the company Christmas party.  Several thoughts sprang to mind but the only one I managed to put into words is that's a long time to nurture such a perceived slight.  In addition, I am a man. I don't go around hugging people willy nilly.  What's more, if that's the kind of thing that you're mad about for months, what other grievances are percolating? 

Other thoughts from the Super Bowl:

• I stopped watching at half time.  I couldn't take any more of Al Michaels pronouncing the name "Bradshaw" in three syllables (e.g., brad' -sho - wah).
• The new Chevy Sonic looks just like a VW Golf from ten years ago.  All our taxpayer money and this is the best they can come up with, along with the pansy assed slogan of "Let's Do This"? 
• I tried watching the Madonna concert at half time but left after a minute or two.  I am not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to remake/homage to the 1980's Flash Gordon movie.  The title song is the most memorable thing about that movie, that was dumb even to an elementary schooler.
• The further I get from high school the stupider I find professional sport.

Thanks for Thinking of Me!

Someone came to me today and said, "I know you sent off the final answer on something we've all been working on all January, but I'm really confused by what we're doing!"

When I asked why the questions weren't asked during our multiple meetings on the topic, I received several (meaningless) apologies for not bringing this up sooner.

I scheduled a meeting for us and one key person to discuss this further tomorrow.

At some point, either before or after telling me you were confused, you gave your concerns and confusion to the business partner, so now I have another meeting and another confused person to deal with.

The Office Rules

• When watching an instructional video use headphones so as not to disturb me with your instructor's babbling.

• When I ask for something in writing don't dictate it to me over the phone.

• When pooping at work -- allow me to emphasize, loudly pooping -- turn on the exhaust fan. Ew.

Late Notice

I got called for a second interview for a job I applied for. The problem... I picked up the voicemail about it tonight when I got home from work. They want me in there tomorrow at 2.  Not going to happen.  And why are they incapable of calling my cell phone?

You're not fooling anybody

Dear Colleague,

Just because an actual sound doesn't come barreling out of your mouth, I can still smell your rank ass tuna fish sandwich burp. Seriously, who do you think you're fooling? It's tuna fish! You're gross, and I feel sorry for your wife, who...actually, I don't feel sorry for your wife. It was her decision to marry a tuna fish silent burp machine.

Sincerely,

Grossed out Juice

P.S. Fingering the tuna that falls onto your plate from the bread makes me want to throw up. Use a fucking fork, man!

I Need Some Very Personal Leave

I've had a wardrobe malfunction here at the office, and the only supervisors from whom I could get permission to leave are men. There is no way to deal with this situation in a non-embarrassing way.

Things I Hate Right Now

• Any song by Genesis
• My personal training sessions
• Christmas cookies
• My wide feet
• Christina Applegate's character in Up All Night
• Thinking about going back to work after holiday break

Time for a Brain Transplant

If 2:00 PM is the designated time of our conference call, why would you call me at 1:40 PM and say, "I know our call is set up for 2:00, but I wasn't sure when you wanted me to call in."?  Yeah, um, the answer is 2:00.

 

Friday is Canceled

I normally work from home on Fridays. Occasionally, my monthly meeting with senior execs is scheduled on a Friday. I come in for that. I don't ask the CEO the reschedule so that I can work in my jammies. Today is one of those Fridays. Since I knew I'd be in the office, I accepted a couple other meeting requests. So, when my senior exec meeting was canceled yesterday afternoon, I was still on the hook for coming in today. An hour before one of the other meetings was set to start, when I was already so close to the office it would be ridiculous to turn around and go home, it was canceled. Now, the only meeting I have left is a 30-minute meeting at noon for which I could have called in.

Perfect Timing

It's only when I'm feeling gassy that someone decides to enter my work cubicle.

ABCDWTH

I wish my co-workers could alphabetize.

I Would Say My Biggest Weakness is that I Am Too Much of a Perfectionist

Every once in a while I come across an article on How To Manage Millennials or Generation Y In the Work Place.

These are generally total dreck that appear to be written by someone in his 20s who has never held a job, managed a company, or performed a service for which he hopes someone will pay some money.

They are chock full of personality and behavior traits that are exceedingly stupid and meaningless.  Some gems: 

•  "Millennials are used to working in teams and want to make friends with people at work. Millennials work well with diverse coworkers." [Ed-This is in sharp contrast to other generations who were raised as hermits and who have never seen a person of another race.]
• "Computer experts, millennials are connected all over the world by email, instant messages, text messages, and the Internet." [In my experience, unless your business relies on an X Box or Wii, you are out of luck.  These people, while adept in the art of the text message, are unable to perform basic data manipulation or analysis and the Microsoft Office titles are a total mystery to them]
• "Millennials want to enjoy their work. They want to enjoy their workplace. They want to make friends in their workplace. Worry if your millennial employees aren’t laughing, going out with workplace friends for lunch, and helping plan the next company event or committee. Help your long-term employees make room for the millennials." [Translation - Don't expect much productivity from these guys]
• “Listen to the millennial employee. Your millennial employees are used to loving parents who have scheduled their lives around the activities and events of their children. These young adults have ideas and opinions, and don't take kindly to having their thoughts ignored. After all, they had the best listening, most child-centric audience in history.” [This is in contrast to previous generations who obey every command mindlessly and are incapable of putting into words their ideas or thoughts about a given matter. Or, put another way, these 20-something guys already figure that they know everything]
• “[They are] Achievement-oriented with greater emphasis on outcome and results rather than the process used; uninterested in putting in the years for a promotion; prefers hard work and merit to determine success.”  [Translation - these guys come in the door expecting to be the boss without any performance, track record, or skills to back it up. Wow, these are radical ideas that have never been tried before:  I have always preferred to ignore the outcomes of my efforts in order to adhere to some rigid checklist of tasks. What kind of dumb statement is this? ]

All these articles seem to stress how hard working, knowledgeable, eager, adaptive, and valuable are the people of this age group.  In my experience it is quite the opposite.  They are incapable of writing a coherent, grammatically correct sentence yet expect to be praised for their efforts as though they had just produced the Magna Carta.  They don't want to put in the hours, and deadlines are made to be missed, yet they expect to be on the fast track to the executive suite. 

Tip - Keep your expectations of them low and you won't be disappointed.  And stay off my lawn!

It's a lie. Size really does matter.

Dear Douchey Colleague,

Thank you so much for clogging up my email by sending a 45MB file. Really, I have nothing better to do than watch my send/receive creep up 1KB at a time. My boobs will be sagging down to my knees by the time your email finally comes through.

Sincerely,

Juice

My New password is "$uck!t"

For security purposes, we are all having to change our network passwords to ones that meet new criteria, including at least three of the following: uppercase letter, lowercase letter, numerical character and non-alphanumeric character. Passwords can only be changed once within a day, must be at least eight characters long and cannot have been used as one of the previous ten passwords.

When I was prompted to change my password, the system rejected my first three attempts, saying they did not meet the criteria (although each was a password I have never used and contained all four of the required elements). The password that was finally accepted worked until my computer went into sleep mode. At that point, the system rejected my password as incorrect. My IT department issued a temporary password and I had to wait a day to change it. The following day I repeated the process (i.e., multiple viable passwords rejected, new password accepted, new password rejected upon computer locking, IT issued temporary password). Yesterday I tried to fill out two forms on our intranet, only to get messages saying the password was incorrect. I called IT to report the problem. Their advice was to change my network password again. The online forms didn't accept the new password, and this morning I could not log in to the network, so IT advised me to change my password again.

The good news is that I will soon be able to re-use the password I created two weeks ago, since I am already on my sixth password and the restriction only applies to reusing the past ten. 

 

And it's only Monday

It's bad enough that it's Monday. It's even worse that it is a Monday after a glorious 4-day weekend. It's depressing that the minutes in the day seem to be crawling slower than rush hour traffic on the day of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting when President Obama is in town (that day being Wednesday). However, I can deal with all of those if I must. I can take a few deep breaths, find my center, and relax. Unfortunately, I've reached my limit for the day - probably week. Having the floor drop from under me and losing my shit on a project I've been working on for approximately 3 months makes me want to throw the hugest temper tantrum known to man. Really? Seriously? Why? Why did this crap happen on the day after vacation. The next person to walk into my office is getting a major case of the stink eye, with a side of my middle finger <while I spit on the floor in their direction>.

 

Mandatory Vacation

I'm hourly at my new gig, which is nothing new for me, but the IT Department where I now work basically shuts down for Thanksgiving week and I can't bill for 'working from home', which I did for the last four years in a row at my last gig.

On the plus side, I am home for a week and I am slowly eating through the contents of my pantry, freezer and fridge!  Mooooooooooo.

Work Schmurk Jerk

Shortly before 11am, I emailed a coworker with some questions about a work document of his. There were some items that were completely incorrect: the cart was literally put before the horse, for example.

Said coworker has emailed me once and called me twice since then about my email, asking what document I was looking at, he doesn't see anything wrong, blah blah.

Yes, well, he updated his document 15 minutes after my email went out and is now playing dumb.

This is why I hate people. And I won't be returning his calls.

Just Like Being There!

I'm so lucky that I get to participate in every single meeting held in our hallway conference room!

Not that I'm invited, of course. But my workspace is six feet away from said room, and because the speaker phone is at permanent jackhammer volume, I get the benefit of my co-workers' shared wisdom and ideas every time they're in there.

Wisdom and ideas that manage to filter through even the densest headphones.

Your phone priviliges have been revoked

I hate when our admin is gone.

Juice: Hello?

Stupid woman: Hi! I'm just returning a call from this number.

Juice: Oh, okay. Who called you?

Stupid woman: Um, I don't know. I just told you that I'm returning a call from this number.

Juice: I'm very sorry, but we have several people in our office and unless you know who it was who called you, I won't be able to help you.

Stupid woman: <loud sigh> Fine. They left a message, but I just didn't want to waste my time listening to it.

Juice: You stupid woman. Why the fuck are you wasting one iota of my time? Do you think I have all the time in the effing world to figure out who the hell called you? Wait, let me put you on hold for just a moment while I run around to all of my colleagues to see who it was who called you. Listen to your damn voice mail, you stupid cow.

Juice: <click> <lost connection> Oops. I think I hung up on you, ma'am.

The Mother F-ing Gloves Are Coming Off, Bitch!

Dear Colleague,

We are now on day numero dos of our little situation that almost caused me to drop kick you in the face yesterday. Does the fact that I actually have much more importante things I need to be working on simply not matter to you? I guess not. You have clogged my day up, once again, with your stupidity. It's like you just don't know when to stop eating candy, and you throw it up. Over and over and over and over again. Don't worry! Juice will clean your nasty rank smelling stupidity off of the floor, leaving me with the mess all over me. If this carries over through tomorrow, I will no longer handle you with the kid gloves I have been using. The gloves are coming OFF tomorrow. I'm sick of this shit.

Sincerely,

Juice

P.S.

You're still ugly. Actually, I would like to escalate that to "Fugly."

Why? Because I F-ing Said So.

Dear Colleague,

If you ask me a question about something that isn't working, and I respond to your question with examples that provide proof of why said "something" isn't working... Do you really think I want to hear:

1. That just doesn't make sense. I think "we" need to go back and ask the question in a different way.

2. Are you sure? How many times did you check?

3. Well, they need to change their system. I think "we" need to tell them how to change it.

4. Why?

5. Why?

6. Why?

No. I don't want to hear any of this shit. What I want you to do is turn around, get the hell out of my office, and never question my knowledge of this "something" again. Go F yourself.

Sin-fucking-cerely,

Juice.

P.S. You're Ugly

Error: Incorrect Login

The university that I'm teaching at this semester requires three separate logins and passwords for each of the different information systems on campus. One login is an intuitive, logical combination of my first and last names. The other two are different 16 and 20 digit user IDs and system-generated unchangeable passwords. This doesn't even count the separate login and password to use the campus wireless. I think it would be easier to hack into the CIA than it would be to post exam grades.  

Peeves of Yore: The Juice has run dry at work

Well, well, well.... Here we are again. It's Friday! I don't know about you, but it's been one helluva week for Juice. Project pile-ups, looming deadlines, shit for brains interns. I have dubbed today, "Fuck You Friday." I am allowed to respond to any question or comment with a simple, "fuck you." How are we on X project? Fuck you. I'd like your team to start working on this. Fuck you. Let me get that door for you. Fuck you! Don't worry, I'm not going to do what you all think I'm going to do... Trust me, it's most certainly not that bad. Hell, just give me a cocktail or five, and I'll be back in the saddle again!

Since I can't seem to shut my face about work, why stop now? Today's PoY shall be dedicated to the workplace. Happy reading, my friends...

Apparently, Blaugra has a little disease we like to call, "The Mondays." Don't worry, I do too. No matter who it is, the first person I see in my office on Monday, I always imagine punching in the face.

Max, do you think of Tony "Banana Hands" Robbins when you hear those words? I do. Others may include: Let me wrap my head around this; Touchpoint; In the know; Working off-site; Thnx

Pretty sure I found the edge and took the plundge earlier today! God bless, GPS.

Now, now, Kate the Peon... This could be something really good! Who knows, you all may end up sitting in a circle holding hands, and singing Kumbaya! You're right. I'd beat the piss out of her too.

Seriously, this one just never gets old!

Well, that's all I have to say about that. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. Fuck you!

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Dear Webinar Instructor,

The reason why I am late on the "click the green check mark to show you understand" is NOT because I'm busy taking notes on what you're talking about during this ridiculous required continuing ed course. Really, there is absolutely no need to tell me that you're recording this session, so I can just "sit back and pay attention." I simply don't give a shit about what is coming out of your flapping jaw. I am currently writing about you on the Peevery. Suck it.

Sincerely,

Uninterested Juice

Women of the 6th Floor

While I try not to take notice of the sounds going on around me in the restroom, I can't help but know that one or more of you regularly DO NOT WASH YOUR HANDS after coming out of a stall.

I don't care what you are doing in there, but do us all a favor and stop the spread of germs...especially if I just heard you flush.

Don't come crying to me when you have a cold.

Pop it!

A phrase I am hating right now is "on the bubble."

Example: "These students are from a low-to-moderate income family and are below grade level. They are on the bubble." I don't know if this is a national term or not. When I first heard it I thought that being on the bubble meant the kids were on drugs or pregnant.

Is the bubble going to float away and burst? What if you were a bubble kid? If I were, I would dislike knowing that I was considered being on the bubble.

Done Means Done, Sort Of

I guess I need to explain to my eight year old daughter what "done" means.  When I ask her if her homework is "done" before she goes to bed, she says yes.  Every time.  Then, every morning, she needs to "finish this one thing" and finish filling in her reading journal and oops, she forgot her spelling.  I guess I should be happy that she actually reads every single night for at least an hour, but I'm not a morning person to begin with and having to deal with her last minute things makes me want to replace my morning coffee with Xanax.

I make plans, and God (or my Board) laughs

I've spent the past month putting together a face-to-face meeting for one of my committees; the meeting kicks off with dinner tonight and ends around 3:00 tomorrow afternoon based on multiple exchanges confirming everyone's availability. I did catering, hotel reservations for the three people who needed them, compiled the materials, the whole shebang.

The one local member shot one of the execs an email today "...just giving you a heads-up that I won't be there on Wednesday." Now I'm back to square one, because I need to have the full committee take part in the discussions, and the decisions being made are long overdue.

Surgery: It's Not a Vacation

Lately I seem to be getting a plethora of phone calls from patients alarmed over their pain and swelling after having recent surgery. I should mention I work for an orthopedist.  People are really distressed that after surgery there is discomfort.  I am going to have to have a talk with the surgeon and make sure he lets people in on that little secret.  

I don't care how your weekend was.

I'm the worst person to work with on a Monday because I don't care to ask you how your weekend was and I don't care if you ask me how my weekend was and I don't care to tell you how my weekend was.

It Would Have Been Funny, Except That It Wasn't

Some of you know that I have a little tiny car that I drive to work quite often. THis past Monday, when I left work and walked out of the building into the parking lot, I discovered that my car had been moved sideways. Normally, this would be worth a chuckle, but I actually felt slighted. I have had this car for two years, and my former warehouse colleagues JUST figured it would be funny to do this? Also, they didn't even get the car perfectly perpendicular to the other cars, and even left me enough room to maneuver the car out of it's resting position without going into the building to get the other people to move their cars and thereby providing a laugh for all. Hell, if you're going to prank me, do't half-ass it two years late! Sheesh.

So Many Reasons

I would have called in sick and wallowed in bed all day except for two reasons. First, it is my boss's last day. Second, my new boss scheduled a meeting with me to discuss the transition to her team.

Shortly after I came in, the new boss told me the meeting is postponed until Monday. Pretty soon after that, the old boss told me he extended his last day until next Wednesday.

Oh, and the air conditioning is out and my office is sweltering.

Quitting time is at noon today.

Can you hear me now?

Here are a few signs I am not interested in talking to you, nor listening to you talk about shit I care absolutely NOTHING about:

My office door is closed

I don't say, "come in!" when you knock on my door...three times

I don't look up from my computer when you decide to open the door anyway

I turn my music on while you are still spitting out your first sentence

I plug my ear buds into my computer, and put them in my ears

When you continue to talk, and finally ask, "Sorry, were you busy? Do you want me to come back later?" Do not get all huffy when my response is, "Get the fuck out of my office. My door was closed, and my earbuds were put in. To me, that screams STFU and leave me alone."

Any questions?

Don't do the crime if your mama can't do the time.

My ten-year-old son got a three-day suspension from the before and afterschool daycare program. What he did was totally wrong and he totally deserves punishment, and I understand the reasoning for a specified suspension length when physical altercations occur. He's very sorry for his inappropriate behavior, but has long since gotten over what caused his own outburst (his ADHD makes it easy to avoid holding grudges) and will not do it again.

Unfortunately, him being out of the program for three days causes much more trouble for me (what with having to go to work late after dropping him at school, and leaving early to pick him up) than it does for him (he can do his homework, read his books and draw in the quiet of our house instead of in a noisy cafeteria).

Sour Juice

The first day back to work after vacation sucks major ass. That is all.

Ooh that smell, can't you smell that smell?

Throwing away your half eaten tuna fish sandwich in the garbage I have in my office just because you were done eating it while we were talking, is going in the 'unacceptable' category. Knowing that you'll be out of the office until next week just gives me more of a reason to put half eaten fruit in your wastebasket. Being that it is fruit fly season, I think that is a fair revenge strategy.

Intern Update #9028234: A Lesson in Class

Intern #1: Wud up? Did you have a good weekend, Juice?

Juice: I did, thanks. You? What did you do?

Intern #1: Ugh, my girlfriend's been bitchin' about taking her out to a nice place to eat. Finally caved and brought her to PF Chang.

Juice: Errr...Lovely. I'm sure she liked it.

Intern #1: Yeah, it was okay. Since I drove, I made her pay. <hysterical hyena laughter>

Juice: Go away.

Intern #2: (Who is typically the bigger idiot) Dude, that's bad. Not cool at all.

 

The Cycle Relay Peeves Continue

We haven't had much Internet access (or spare time to use it) since Monday, which is a peeve in itself, so here's my round-up so far:

1. I told you to go to the walk-in clinic and get your ghastly wound stitched up. You waited a full day, then discovered that it was infected, and now you're in the hospital on a drip. Way to go.

2. Cycling 103 miles in a penguin costume is a very bad idea. Thanks for allowing me to endure a 15-hour day on your behalf.

3. If you pull up behind me and sit on the railroad crossing and the barriers come down on top of your van (pretty sure you have a nice dent in your roof now), you're an idiot. Sorry I couldn't move out of the way faster - my heart attack was causing me to stall the car while trying to move it.

Intern Update #725854386

Intern #1: Is there a specific font you want me to type this in?

Juice: What font do we typically type things in, Intern #1?

Intern #2: Well, I decided to use Freestyle Script in all of my emails today. Hard to read, but it looked cool!

Intern #1: Dude, that's a great idea! Let's go look at the fonts and choose one for me to use.

Juice: <Head in hands>

They sure know how to represent me well, don't they? God, they are going to make a "real boss" proud someday.

Sometimes it's just too easy

To the young lady who is parked in front of my office window:

I always pass judgement on people, and you are no different. However, you just made it a bit more easy than victims past. The structure you are standing with in 2 inches from is not a mirror. It is, in fact, a window. On the other side of this window is me. Juice. In a meeting. Sadly, we are unable to conduct a proper and productive meeting since you are adjusting your bra while flashing your nasty cigarette teeth, wiping last nights "working girl red" lipstick off of your grill. Feel free to grow any sort of brain and realize we can see you.

Sincerely,

Juice

P.S. Your two-toned FORD PROBE is the ugliest piece of metalic shit I've ever seen. And take that nasty sequined garter belt off of your mirror. Gross.

I'm Actually Labouring Today

I had to wake up at 5:30 a.m. and drive my tired butt to Cardiff (Wales) to supervise the first day of the charity cycle relay, while you North American assholes are sleeping in on a so-called "Labo(u)r Day". Enjoy your cozy sheets and barbeque picnics, jerks.

Rain On My Parade

I have spent the last six months of my job organising a charity cycle relay in honour of my employer's 75th anniversary. The relay starts tomorrow and runs for two weeks*. It is scheduled to rain all but one day this week. I must have forgotten what part of the world I live in (United Kingdom - where sunshine is practically a myth).

At least I get to drive the support van and don't actually have to do any of the soggy cycling. Sucks to be those clowns.

*If I can manage to get Typepad-friendly Internet access on the road, I will endeavour to do my own mini-Peeve-a-thon of daily cycle relay peeves, just to get you psyched for the real Peeve-a-Thon coming to your favourite blog.

I Wanna Be Sedated

Co-worker whose wife recently had a baby is back in the office.

While I'm thrilled the baby is healthy and the new parents are happy, I could really do without the graphic descriptions of labor, delivery, and, um, nourishment.

Thank God for the Ramones.

How is this better, Bill Gates?

For about 20 years or so, I've been using MS Word. There are only a few functions I don't know how to use.  Why the "geniuses" at Microsoft decided to fuck around with the software is beyond me.* 

Hey, your entire industry uses the form toolbar?  Guess what? Not anymore, bitch!  You know where everything is on the menus?  Think again, sucker!

What used to take me 10 minutes to do, now takes me 30 because I have to spend time trying to figure out how to see the goddamn gridlines in a table!  

Oh, and that Calibri font makes my eye twitch. 

 

*Yes I know I'm 4 years late in this peeve, but there's obviously a reason I've resisted the upgrade for so long. It sucks donkey balls.

Psychic Scheduling

I got copied on an email reply which reads, in part,  "...I've already asked Karen to set up a call today..." I have gotten no such request from the writer, so this is the one time I'm happy to have been randomly copied on something. Now I'm off to violate the laws of time to find time in the packed schedule for the call to happen.

No, I'm the Busiest

I met with my group from my marketing class on Sunday. We talked about how far along each of us is in the MBA program. I said I only take one class at a time because I have little kids. One of the other women said she has little kids, too, and she is taking two or three classes at a time. It was the look on her face when she said it that irritated me, like she was surprised I couldn't manage both. She neglected to mention that SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. She was even more surprised when she saw I scored ten points higher than she did on the case study, especially after I told her I wrote it in one night. SUCK ON THAT, LADY.

I do not think it means what you think it means

Would the temp in my office kindly stop using the word "marriage" when referring to the stacks of files she is combining?  I swear she said it five times over the course of 20 minutes.

"Since there was only one report in this folder, I married it with the stack for next month."

"Is it OK that I married this pile of TPS reports with the old ones from last year?"

No! I want a divorce from your vocabulary.

I'm a Terrible Student

I'm so ridiculously tired this morning because I was up until 3 AM writing a paper for my marketing class. It was due at 7 PM last night, which I realized at 6:30 PM. I hadn't even started it because I thought it was due next week. Fortunately, a few others were in the same boat, and the instructor gave us until the morning.

Captain Obvious

There's a guy at work, not married, but has been living with his girlfriend in their house with their two children for ten years.  This guy thinks that no one knows he's enjoying the company of one of the girls in the office.  I don't object to the affair; to each his own, I guess, and good luck with that.  What bothers me is that he thinks that every one else is too dumb to notice what's going on.  Dude, we are not blind.  Don't pretend we're stupid, too. And don't be surprised when one of your underlings rats you out to your kids' mother in retaliation for you being a complete asshole to your entire staff.