The Peevery

All The Birds Sing Words and The Flowers Croon

The other day I saw a newspaper article that quoted Newt Gingrich as saying, "I speak pigeon Spanish." 

I don't think anyone speaks pigeon Spanish unless maybe you are talking about the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.

(Since corrected at the Atlanta news rag, bunch of hacks).

 

In Vague

I'm totally ripping off a former Peever, who recently tweeted: "I HATE vague FB status updates...OH.MY.GOD." [those are her ALL CAPS]

At the same time, one of my Facebook friends posted this as her status: "Well, that's not the news I wanted to hear."

Of course that prompted like 17 comments of people saying "Oh no!" "What's happening?" "Hope you're OK!" "I'll pray for you!"

Really? Maybe the news she didn't want to hear was just about Russell Brand and Katy Perry's break-up, yet that vagueness gets people to pray for her.

Perfect Fatality

The word flawed is already way overused by talentless hacks of varieties both political and news reporter. 

But can't they come up with some adverb, any one, other than deeply to modify this poor, undeniably irreparably defenseless, severely unresuscitably beaten down adjective?

What I Learned from Reading Post Secret.com

Everyone is gay.

Everyone is on drugs.

Quack Quack

I want to unfollow everyone in my Twitterstream whose avatar is a photo of herself with a duckface expression. That includes Khloe Kardashian but also some other people whose Tweets are not that annoying.

Error: Incorrect Login

The university that I'm teaching at this semester requires three separate logins and passwords for each of the different information systems on campus. One login is an intuitive, logical combination of my first and last names. The other two are different 16 and 20 digit user IDs and system-generated unchangeable passwords. This doesn't even count the separate login and password to use the campus wireless. I think it would be easier to hack into the CIA than it would be to post exam grades.  

Fix Your Face

If I look at your LinkedIn profile pic and think, "Dude, why are you so mad at me," you need to do two things. First, get botox on your ||. Second, change your damn picture.

Let's jump off a bridge!

Are people really that gullible that they believe if they copy and paste something that Facebook won't charge them? Do they know that Facebook has no plans to charge people anyway?

Here's an idea: Google whatever sounds fishy. It will take 10 seconds, and you'll see that it's NOT TRUE.

Did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Shame on Me

When I see a profile pic in which the person looks mildly unattractive, I wonder how ugly that person looks most of the time since I know everyone chooses the most attractive pictures they can find of themselves. Then I chide myself for being a terrible, shallow person.

Starting a War with Palau

Whenever I have to select my state, Pennsylvania, from a drop-down list on a website's address entry form, I quickly type "P", enter, and my state comes up as Palau. Then I have to go back into the list, scroll down, and correct it and this happens all the time and you'd think I would know this by now so I can save myself the extra second it takes to correct it. Palau is populated by 21,000, which is smaller than the city where I live. I think Pennsylvanians should take precedence over Palauans in the drop down list simply based on volume. I'm sure it's a lovely place, especially compared to Pennsylvania, but really, America started here and my state should be first.

Retail Me Not, Not

Dear Retail Me Not:

Yeah, I was attracted to your Blizzard of Dollars Cash Grab at BlogHer. Who wouldn't be?

Then you reeled me in. "Just fill this out...you can get in the cash grab chamber and win money if you fill out our application...here, just apply!" I didn't really know what I was applying for, I just wanted to grab some cash.

Not only did I not win any cash, just a T-shirt, but I got a follow-up email from you that said:

"After reviewing your application, we have determined that it does not meet the criteria for our affliate program...There are a number of reasons why your application may have been declined. Some of these include 1) You are not in compliance with our terms and conditions 2) the quality of the website is not in line with our network standards 3) the information you submitted is incomplete or unclear."

I was a little put off. This was my introduction to Retail Me Not. I don't really want to know any more. You don't think the quality of my website is in line with your network standards, whatever those are?  You can suck it.

Sincerely,

Blaugra

Repost This

Dear People I know on Facebook,

All of those stupidass "repost this if you agree" status updates don't really accomplish anything except clutter up people's feeds.  Please stop them. This includes those "funny" ones about being aware of dragons or pastafarians or whatever.

Thank you,

Grouchy FB Friend

Not a peave

I have a Facebook friend (a very nice acquaintance from high school) who just posted about her Biggest Peave on Facebook. I badly want to comment, "It's spelled PEEVE." But she is a nice person. And I agree with her peeve. But inside, when I can't correct someone's spelling, I die a little. I'm a snob, I know.

You too can make a cool half-million bucks in eleven days. Oh, wait.

This e-mail should have the subject line of BAD MATH.

 
 

Idiotic Internet

People of the Internet:

Please stop doing the following on Twitter:

• Stop using "winning." Winning is never getting Taco Bell for dinner. Never. After the Charlie Sheen debacle, it's unacceptable to use "winning" in a way that doesn't involve irony. 
• Stop using "shit just got real." For example, "I'm reading Mockingjay and shit just got real when Katniss overheard Gale and Peeta talking about who she'd pick." Plot points in books, on television shows, or in movies are usually fictitious so any assertion that developments are akin to reality are bullshit and stupid.
• Stop insisting on Boobie Wednesday. If you want to find a cure for breast cancer, become a epidemiologist, go volunteer, or make a donation to a charity. Don't use breast cancer awareness to be an exhibitionist. I don't want to see your tits.   

Sincerely,

kayteadee

Clearly this is the Product of Befogged Minds

I hope I never hear the word "clarity" again.

Wikipedia Can Sit on It

I was thinking of the Sylvester Stallone movie Cobra/Cobretti as a good example of where somebody thought up a really super awesome name for a character and then some poor hack has the hopeless task of constructing a coherent story about that character.

This, along with our recent 1970s TV discussion, got me to thinking of Arthur Fonzarelli.  I took a look at Wikipedia.com and came upon the paragraph below. 

 Grandma Nussbaum (and she alone) calls Fonzie "Skippy." She is also the grandmother of Fonzie's cousin Chachi. Fonzie's devotion to her foreshadows his ongoing devotion to mother figures throughout the show, particularly to Mrs. Cunningham.

Surely this is tongue in cheek, right? Nobody would really spend time trying to analyze some corny 1970s sit com as though it were epic literature?

Bejeweled Buzzkill!

The only game I play on Facebook is Bejeweled Blitz. If you don't play, just know that every Tuesday around noon all the high scores are wiped and the leaderboard full of all your friends who play starts fresh.

I'm friends with a woman I'll call Blitzen who is consistently number one on the leaderboard and must be paid to play Bejeweled Blitz because nobody could be that good at it without hours and hours of dedication.

This week I achieved a personal best that actually gave Kate the Peon some competition: over 400,000 points. Then along comes Blitzen with her 600,000 points to sit there in the #1 position all week and taunt me. I'm considering unfriending her.

Let me enter my user name and password for the EIGHTH TIME

The Hilton reservations website is without a doubt, the worst one ever.

I am thinking of boycotting Hilton hotels forever, just because the website sucks so much.

Bank of Despair-ica

Really, B of A website? You are down ALL DAY, on my once-a-month payday? I gotsta pay ma bills. Get it together.

Alternate post title: B of Dism-A.

This shit is bananas.

I had to find a photo of a banana for a project, so I Googled images of "banana." 

The search results were interesting, as many people title photos of penises as "bananas." I'm glad I didn't have a kid with me.

You got your money, let me out!

I pay any bill I can online for sheer convenience and speed. I'm also very diligent about logging out of each website after paying the bill, and closing the brower window.

Why do so many websites make it so hard to to find the link to log out? Sometimes I have to go back to the homepage to do this. They should make it easier.

No YOU'RE shmoopy!

The Facebook post I read today from one of my friends to another (engaged couple) was beyond nauseating.

1. That's what the message feature is for. The whole world doesn't have to know the extent of your treacle love.
2. You're engaged. You see each other nearly every day. Say it to each other in person. Or by phone. Or text. Or email. Or in a note. The FB post makes us all subject to it.
3. I do not find it in inspiring or sweet. It doesn't make me go AWWWWWWW! It makes me cranky and snarky since I'm single.
4. I swear to God, if I ever get myself in to a relationship, I will NEVER subject to my friends and family to these shmoopy antics. Going to purge now.

Spam Spam Spam Spam Cheese Eggs and Spam

I appreciate you taking the time to advertise your product on this website with a completely irrelevant response to my peeve post.  Given the captcha system for posting comments, I assume you are personally posting each piece of spam, and therefore send my deepest (non)sympathy for the lack of anything better for you to do than spend all day attempting to direct people to your website with stupid comments on random websites.

Real comments welcome.  Spammers can go to hell.

Merry Webmas!

We moved to England two months ago.  For the first five weeks, we lived with my husband's parents while he nailed down a job and we found a flat.  His parents have the crappiest Internet in the world (usually 1 out of 5 bars).  So we endured five weeks of bad Internet.  We've now been at our flat for nearly three weeks and only yesterday did our router arrive (though BT happily took 120 pounds out of our account as soon as we ordered Internet).  Since we live in a fairly small village, it's not like I could walk down to the closest cafe with Wifi.  So after two months of life in the UK, we now have full Internet access.  I can't believe that in 2010, Internet can be so hard to come by.

Anyway, now that I'm back online, I can peeve and read peeves, so Merry Christmas to me!

Christmas Cards: Murder Edition

I finally received (a week late) the disc with the photos from my family photo shoot and now the Shutterfly site is having performance issues. I will never get these Christmas cards done. So much for being proactive.

Update:

An hour later, I'm finally ready to check out and the site issues seems to be over with, until I am ready to enter my credit card information. Suddenly, my coupon is blanked out and my order costs $70 more than it should. When I try to re-enter my coupon code, the site tells me it has already been used. FAIL.

Use your common sense

I am so tired of reading articles or seeing "news" segments about how annoyed everybody is with Facebook's privacy policies. Here's a tip: Don't use Facebook if you find it so egregious. If you're worried about your Mom knowing that you're hung over, either don't post that you're hung over or don't be friends with your Mom.

Facebook is a business that provides a service. If you can't figure out how their services work and steer clear of anything you're not comfortable with, it's your own damn fault. And if you assume that anything you post in a public forum (even if you're only talking to yourself) is not going to be used by them for the purpose of making money, you're naive. It's a little scary that everything we put on the internet is subject to distribution (with our permission or without it) but that's the world we live in and people need to make decisions about their own privacy based on that.

Cyber Letdown

I was browsing websites looking for Cyber Monday deals, and found a pair of boots I liked at Target.com. Problem is, my shoe size is 6 1/2, so there's really no way I can order shoes online, because there were only size 6's and 7's, and no reviews saying to size up or size down.

Impersonation of My Web Design Guy

I'm going to keep telling you that the new site is going live in a few days and then go incommunicado for a few days and then tell you a few days later that the new site is going live in a few days, because I like to mess with you.

Spam is Gross

Because this blog and my Opinions for Nothing blog have been bombarded with spam lately, I have had to close comments on posts older than one week. I hate doing that.

Now that's rich!

I hate on the overuse of words sometimes and right now I hate the word "rich." For example, the phrase "a richer web experience!" makes me want to vomit.

Who Said Computer Geeks Aren't Cute?

I was furious when I found out my computer problem came down to calling Microsoft. Not only do I hate calling customer service, but knowing that I could be on this call for hours really chapped my ass. When I was finally transferred to the right person, I was in a horrible mood, and rather rude. However, Amrik was very polite to me, even when he knew I was too dumb, and therefore had to "take control over my computer." After several minutes of awkward silence, we began to talk about where we were calling from. He is from India. Being that he had I had to share my computer with him, he had to send me an email confirming. This email included Amrik's last name. So naturally, I attempt to look him up on Facebook. I almost fell out of my effing chair - he is probably one of the most attractive men I have ever seen. His profile is public, so I got to see everything. Shit, my frown turned upside down quickly. Sadly, flirting on the phone with a tech from India isn't very glamorous. So, I'm thinking about stalking friending him on FB. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be my 'Eat Pray Love' adventure someday.

Firewall Updates Needed

I had a meeting with my boss yesterday, and was showing him some great websites I've been using for research. I had not yet added them all to my Favorites, so I had to type in the URL. No biggie, right? Wrong. Unfortunately (for both of us), I replaced the word "totties" with "titties" while typing in the URL. There, right in front of us, were two women with the largest tatas I have ever seen. Naturally, I tried to exit the screen as fast as possible. So fast, in fact, that my number of mouse clicks per second froze my computer. There we were, the two of us. Forced to watch porn at work. I slammed my laptop shut after a few awkward moments, and now it's just sitting on my desk. Closed. I'm too nervous to open it.

I Don't Want to Talk to You

Scheduling personal business appointments is one of my least favorite things to do. I'd rather stand naked in front of the mirror under fluorescent lighting than make appointments for myself. That's why I was super excited to learn that my car dealer's service department has online appointment scheduling. I scheduled my appointment online and checked the little box to note that my preferred way of communication is email. Fabulous, I thought to myself, I did that without actually having to talk on the phone.  And then the dealer called me on three separate occasions to set up and confirm my appointment.

Who's the copy editor on that ad?

I'm no math genius but isn't the current ad in our sidebar wrong?  It's over there. -->

"Yes to Carrots [never understood that brand name]

3 piece lip sampler

Carrot Kisses [awww, are they as cute as butterfly kisses?]

$9.99  $6.99

30% off"

How is that a "Big Deal?"

Well, at least the error got me to look at it twice and actually consider saying "Yes" to...carrots.

Say my name, say my name

If you've never met me and are composing an email message asking me to do something for you, please consider a salutation more refined than "Hey."

I'm losing my sense of humor.

I don't think it's funny when someone writes a snarky blog post about a car crash that ended in death. I don't laugh when someone tweets about saying inappropriate things to her children. I don't find it humorous when someone's Facebook status update is about the new curse word her child used in public.

Modern humor is lost on me.

Childhood Game?

I liked Foursquare so much better when it was a game played with a rubber ball.  I'm tired of logging onto Facebook and seeing "Joe checked in at Chuck E. Cheese."  I really could give two shits about where "Joe" is, or what badge he's earned, or if he's now the "Mayor" of Pistol Pete's Saloon.  Since I don't use Foursquare, I'm going to start randomly posting things like this on Facebook:
   
              "Bailey checked in at the Target restroom and is now taking a dump."
              "Bailey earned the Huge Bitch Badge."

              "Bailey became the Mayor of I don't give a shit where you're at."

Audition post #6 by Bailey

My Password?

Since I'm auditioning here, I thought it would be a good idea to update my blog. I thought that, right up until the point that I realized I didn't remember my password to sign on to Blogger. Then, I couldn't remember the password to the email address I had set up to use exclusively for my blog so I could recover my password. Then I tried to reset my email password, only to learn I would have to call customer service to do so. So, I have sat here entering in a combination of pets' names and significant numbers such as birthdays, the last four digits of my social security number, and old street address for the past 45 minutes.

Audition post #2 for Bailey.

Disclaimer

To my "friends" and the few people who read my blog: If I say at the beginning of a post that what I'm about to write "may be offensive to some," you should read it as, "I don't need/want any comments from the peanut gallery." Capiche?

Audition post #3 from Bailey.

Suck It, eHarmony

I finally signed up to try my hand at online dating. I was “compatible” with like… six people. The closest one lives in Wisconsin .

Thank you, internet, for proving once again that there are no available men in the tri-state area.

Audition post #4 from Tara.

This is not a fake style tip.

You might have learned this in your typing class in the '90s, but you no longer need to type two spaces after a period. One will suffice. See?

Facebook Fail

Two days after my email was hacked into, Facebook disabled my account as I said in a previous post. (I know, I sound like a broken record.) I did what they told me to on Friday evening - I sent an email answering the two questions they asked.

Here it is now Tuesday morning, and I have not heard anything back. I miss the socialization aspect of Facebook right now. A friend even friend requested my brother-in-law, asking if everything was okay with me because I had suddenly disappared off Facebook.

FACEBOOK, are you listening? Do you even have employees? I'm sure it takes time to sort through everyone's emails claiming they are not hackers, but some of us were victimized. I suppose if we paid to use it I could be a bitch, but since it's free, I have no other choice. That's what gets me.

Suck It, Hackers

My primary e-mail account was hacked. It sent out an e-mail to my contacts stating that I was in the UK and had been mugged and needed help. My mom said they are stupid because they didn't even state a place or anything to send the money to.

You know how many phone calls I got today? Many.

Luckily, I was able to fix it after a few hours and a lot of stress. All of my contacts are gone, though everything else is still there. That flabbergasts me.

Knock on wood, that seemed to be the extent of the damage. You bet your sweet ass I changed my bank account password after checking it. Whoever these people are who do these types of things are the bane of my existence. Assholes. Get a life.

It's almost enough to make me quit for good.

I don't really appreciate Facebook suggesting that I catch up with my dead mother by posting on her wall.

Going Postal Again

If I fill out the form at USPS.gov to hold my mail, and I check the box that says "deliver held mail and resume delivery on June 1" then why does the post office continue to hold mail, and why do I have to go to the post office on June 2 to get my mail and tell them to resume delivery?  Tell me why.

Addict

I had a terrible headache. It was so terrible that, at 8:30 PM, I told my husband I was going to pay the credit card bills online and go to bed. I checked bank balances. I paid the credit card bills. I remembered something I needed to do on the post office web site. I noticed my headache wasn't as bad. I checked my email. I read a few blog posts. I checked Twitter. And now, 20 minutes later, my headache is almost gone. All I needed was fix of sweet, sweet, internet.

Explain away...

I shut down my Twitter account which I've had almost three years. I've never really enjoyed it, and just don't seem to "get" the appeal. What, if anything, am I missing? Was I following the wrong people? Should I just start afresh?

Hey Y'aaaaall!

Here is a guest peeve from a friend who shall remain anonymous:

If you are living in San Diego and you are originally from the south, you have my permission to use a minimum but NO MORE THAN 3 "y'alls" in an all staff email. Any more is neither cute nor novel. And the use of 15 is just totally obscene. 
 
Sincerely,
 
Anonymous
 
And I said GOOD DAY!!

I hate you right now.

I just wrote an entire post intended for my own blog and then instead posted it to The Peevery.  Typepad has been confusing me and Google Chrome blows chunks. Fuckin Aaaaa!