The Peevery

Bus Peeve: I Can Smell Your Coat

It's the perfect olfactory representation of "Wet Chain-Smoking Sheepdog with Fondness for Canned Chili."

Road Rage

People of Ohio:

The season of winter is upon us. In winter, the white stuff that falls from the sky is snow.  It can be slippery. This is not a new weather event for the state of Ohio.  Please adjust your driving accordingly. Also, there are days when the sun shines and there is no reason to continue to drive as if we are experiencing blizzard-like conditions.  

Related: the passing lane is for passing.

Thank you.

Nursepez

Random Stopper - Train Edition

To take any alternate route to work, I have to pass over a set of railroad tracks that still are actively in use several times a day. At least once a month, the train is randomly stopped on the tracks. Of course I don't discover this until I'm well into the neighborhood off the main roads which then forces me to back track and get on the freeway which is fuller than normal because nobody can get to the other side of the tracks. It's like someone is telling me not to go to work. I should probably start listening to them.

Bittersweet Traffic

On the one hand, I love my morning commute this week each year because it takes me about 15 minutes to get to work when usually it takes me 30.  On the other hand, it makes me sad because that means I'm one of the few saps actually going to work and everyone else is happy and cozy in bed.

Drive Me Crazy

Looking forward to spending Christmas in Buffalo.

Not looking forward to the 7-8 hour drive and having to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to beat the NYC traffic...with two small (sometimes screaming) children.

Vrrr Vrrr Vrrr

Happy Monday after Super Fun Girl's Weekend! The car won't start.

The Wheels on The Car Go Ha Ha Ha

I got a freaking flat tire. Luckily, my BF noticed it in our garage and put my donut on. I had already let him convince me I need all-season tires, so I wasn't too concerned about the flat. Until finding out the all-season tires that fit my low-profile car (and are BF approved) cost $700. And won't be in until Friday, when we're out of town. And now I feel stuck at home for 2 days, not comfortable driving around town on my donut. That is a shitty feeling.

5 the Hard Way

During the past few days, power outages have caused traffic clusterfucks at half of the intersections in my metropolis. This brought out the best in people, as you can imagine.

The rule is, when a traffic light is out at a 4-way intersection, you're supposed to treat it like a 4-way stop sign. You don't benefit anyone by sitting at the intersection petrified like a deer in the headlights. Nor do you whiz through without regard for order.

However, when a traffic light is out at a 5-way intersection, without a cop directing traffic, anarchy ensues and it's like playing a game of Frogger. I'm lucky to come out of that unscathed.

Forty Five Minutes

While driving back from Austin, traffic randomly slowed down to a complete stop on the highway in the middle of nowhere.  Fourty five minutes later I've managed to move an entire 10 miles to discover there was absolutely NO reason for the stoppage as traffic randomly started moving fast again. WTF?

I should note that I did get amused watching all the cars creating their own exit across the median to the frontage road and then get stuck on the frontage road.

Three Second Rule

Dear Texas Drivers,

That space between me and the car in front of me is not there as an invitation for you to get ahead of me. It is there so that if the car ahead of me slows down, I can just ease my foot off the gas and slow down as well, and NOT stomp on the brake. I've learned that you don't subscribe to this theory. Perhaps it is time for all of you to go back to Driver's Ed which is where I learned the three second rule.

Thanks!
Joanne

Teacycling - a Poem for Novotel Bristol

Weekend away in celebration, anniversary vacation

Breakfast buffet at the hotel, the 4-star Bristol Novotel

"Coffee, tea or juice?", ask they, "Tea for me, please!", "Right away!"

So far so good, the food is nice, my tea arrives... something's not right

The 2-cup pot is just half-full, and strangely is not hot, but cool

Also, it's quite overbrewed, a British no-no, nearly rude

There we have strikes one, two, three - this was someone else's tea!

Gross.

PSA

People of Northwest Ohio: cold, rainy weather is coming. A reminder that the gas pedal, the big one on the right, works in all weather conditions. Thank you.

Driving Myself Crazy

I am dealing with a highway anxiety problem. I'm afraid to drive on the expressways. I'm sure I'll get over it soon. It's fucking weird.

But meanwhile, I have absolutely no qualms driving through the obstacle course that is the ghetto, as my alternative to the highways route. I could be randomly shot during a drug deal gone bad, t-boned by a runaway stolen hoopty car or screamed at by an angry teen mom who belongs to a gang, and these scenarios don't produce any anxiety in me whatsoever.

REE-urh, REE-urh, REE-urh

The back end of my car makes the most horribly embarassing squeaking noises while I drive. Clearly, the suspension or some piece thereof needs to be fixed, but we couldn't even afford the repairs we had done to my husband's car this month, so my jalopy has to wait. In the meantime, it sounds like a cheap motel.

Not so pedestrian pedestrians

As I was driving home one evening, I noticed a little unusual traffic on J Street.  Since it wasn't raining again, there was no logical cause for the slow down in what is pretty much a suburban street.

It was then that I noticed the guy in lederhosen. 

Apparently, everyone on the road was distracted by the 50 folks (and smattering of lederhosen) waiting for the Oktoberfest doors to open.

Taking the Low Road

My daily route from the bus to the train takes me along some nice quiet residential streets.

The good part: So many adorable dogs being walked!

The bad part: So much poo. So very, very much poo.

It Would Have Been Funny, Except That It Wasn't

Some of you know that I have a little tiny car that I drive to work quite often. THis past Monday, when I left work and walked out of the building into the parking lot, I discovered that my car had been moved sideways. Normally, this would be worth a chuckle, but I actually felt slighted. I have had this car for two years, and my former warehouse colleagues JUST figured it would be funny to do this? Also, they didn't even get the car perfectly perpendicular to the other cars, and even left me enough room to maneuver the car out of it's resting position without going into the building to get the other people to move their cars and thereby providing a laugh for all. Hell, if you're going to prank me, do't half-ass it two years late! Sheesh.

Steampunk In Real Life

The London Underground (a.k.a. "The Tube") was built in the Victorian era (mid-1800's). While a massive achievement 150 years ago, they might want to consider making some upgrades to modern era conveniences. Like ventilation. Being crammed into a small, stuffy tube with the entire population of London, some of whom have yet to discover deodorant despite the heat and humidity today, was not my idea of a good time.

Monday Morning Road Rage

This drives me nuts.  I approach a stop light, and the traffic that is already stopped looks something like this:

______________________

Car

Car

Slow Car

                    Me

Then, that slow car decides to pull in front of me.  Once the light turns green, I have to wait for the other two cars on the left to overtake us so that I can finally go around him.  So after this exercise, the only one inconvenienced is me.  The slow guy is still behind everyone else, and the other two cars are on their way.  Sheesh.

For a limited time only, act now!

First I was confused by the anthropomorphic hamsters featured in the Kia Soul commercials.  Now they are dancing in what seems to be an apocalyptic gaming landscape with robot warriors.  

Are they just throwing random stuff together that their target demographic likes?  I'm shocked the hamsters aren't wearing bikinis and washing hot rods.

Who Was It?

What person drives an 11 year old piece of crap minivan 3 hours away to a wedding? The same person who forgot to check the fluid levels before the trip. The same damned fool that followed the route the GPS gave him on the way home that took him over unfamiliar and desolate ground but was a shorter time and distance. The same flipping idiot that had his van overheat and stall roughly halfway between West Bumfuckville, NY and East Bojesusland, NY.  The goddam moron that was lucky his brother was following him to take him to the nearsest gas station that wasn't actually the nearest gas station and buy radiator coolant. The same fucking dipshit that then told the kind New York State Trooper who had stopped to help TWICE that "we're all good, you can take off" right before he tried to start the van and found that the battery was dead, and then had to flag down a passing motorist to give him a jump. Yeah, that guy. Take a wild guess.

The Cycle Relay Peeves Continue

We haven't had much Internet access (or spare time to use it) since Monday, which is a peeve in itself, so here's my round-up so far:

1. I told you to go to the walk-in clinic and get your ghastly wound stitched up. You waited a full day, then discovered that it was infected, and now you're in the hospital on a drip. Way to go.

2. Cycling 103 miles in a penguin costume is a very bad idea. Thanks for allowing me to endure a 15-hour day on your behalf.

3. If you pull up behind me and sit on the railroad crossing and the barriers come down on top of your van (pretty sure you have a nice dent in your roof now), you're an idiot. Sorry I couldn't move out of the way faster - my heart attack was causing me to stall the car while trying to move it.

It's going to be a good day...

I hit someone with my car this morning. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Some douche bag crossing the street drinking coffee out of the biggest bucket-o-coffee while texting on their medieval cell phone walked right into my car. Dumping their entire supply of morning caffeine onto the hood of my car. Apparently, their stupidity was my fault, seeing how he yelled profanities at me while hitting the hood of my car with his hand. He is quite fortunate the light remained red until he passed my car, otherwise he would be missing more than his cheap gas station coffee.

Laziness will flood you

The other day I went to McDonald's.  Yeah, I know. I never go there, but it was late. I was hungry.  

In my driveway, I put my drink on top of my Beetle, so I could juggle the omnipresent random crap in my hands in order to free my house keys.

Oddly enough, the rounded top of my car is a bad place to put a medium Sprite.

Tired & pissed off, I just went inside to eat my cheeseburger.

If I'd had a functioning brain cell, I would have been smart enough to take a cup of water to rinse off the sticky mess instead of hoping my sprinklers would take care of it...which they did not.

So, for a good week I drove around with phantom Sprite stains on the driver's side window & part of the giant windshield.

I pull up to the carwash, roll down my window & enter the code for the Extreme Rain-X Mucho Macho Wash.

As the computer is telling me to pull my car forward, panic sets in.  My window is stuck down.  The goddamn Sprite residue is gumming up the works.

I literally had to pull the glass up with my bare hand as I pushed the stupid button to coax it into place. 

The entire wash cycle was spent freaking out that the stinky carwash water would come flooding into my lap at any moment...which it didn't.

There's a Little Black Spot On The Road Today

The street I live on is in really good shape, especially for not having been resurfaced in at least ten years.  This year, the town patched one little spot near the end of my driveway.  This patch is dark compared to the rest of the roadway, which has faded over the years.  Now, every time I back out of my driveway I think someone is in the road behind me and I slam on my brakes.  Nothing like a mini heart attack to get the blood going every morning.

Not So Sweet and Not Sixteen

I have been a licensed driver for nearly 12 years (I procrastinated and got my license when I was 18). Since my Canadian license can't be exchanged for a manual car license in the UK and my car is manual, I am now in the process of going through the whole new driver thing all over again. In 1.5 hours, I have my theory test. After I pass that, I have to do driving lessons and take a road test.

Nobody should have to do this shit more than once in their life.

Also, I am not impressed with the driving school that took my online form query about their rates as a go-ahead to start text spamming my cell phone.

If my driving instructor is younger and less experienced than me, there might be carnage.

NASCAR would be ashamed of you.

If you have gasoline company bumper stickers stuck on the back of your car, I expect you to be able to use that gas.

Do you hear me, Mr. Sunoco?  Use the skinny pedal!

Burning Question

Why does a heatwave cause everyone to drive like fucking assholes?

iCommute: Now with Telepathic Communication

Things I tried to communicate telepathically to other drivers on my way to work this morning:

Please help me understand why you are driving 40 mph in a 55 mph zone.

You are driving a Porsche. I should not be able to pass you in my Scion.

 Yes, I agree. She is hot and her boobs look nice. However, the light is greand and I WOULD LIKE TO GO.

An iPod or a Gun?

I'm going to have to buy one or the other to get through my morning bus ride to work, what with the new batch of college students going to the city every day for their summer jobs/internships. "Like, we wanted to, like, have this, like, party, but my, like, roommate is, like, so weird and, like, she didn't want, like, people over..."

Get off my bus, ya dang youngsters. And my lawn!

Olympic Failure

I lived in Canada during the 2010 Olympics. In the couple of years' lead-up to the Olympics, I really wanted to get event tickets and cheer my country on. Alas, the flight to Vancouver alone would have been more expensive than my budget, let alone the overpriced tickets.

Now I live in England, which is hosting the 2012 Olympics via London. I actually live a 50-minute train ride away from central London, so I've been looking forward to finally getting my hands on some Olympics tickets since the travel costs are almost nil. I applied for 5 events, hoping to get my hands on tickets for one. They've now done the ticket lottery, and I am empty-handed. Some people got £11,000 worth of tickets, and I can't even manage £80. At least there was the promise that those who didn't get tickets would get first dibs on the next round.  That kept me going.

Found out last week what tickets were available in the second (and last) round of pre-worldwide sales. My choices: £300 (EACH ticket) to see some Athletics heats (not quarterfinals, even), or my pick of 1.7 million available football (soccer to Americans) tickets (blech).

What a freaking waste. Now I have to move to Russia in time for the 2014 Olympics.

Reader Peeve: Blockbuster Edition

Shelley has a peeve:

People, turning on your hazard lights as you sit in the fire lane clearly marked with a bright red curb and hash lines under the sign that reads "NO PARKING FIRE LANE" does NOT make it any more legal! Or any less irritating to those of us who actually park in a marked parking space and walk a whole 20 feet and back to return that movie or run in and buy cigarettes or whatever else it is that makes actually parking in the parking lot an unacceptable option for you. PARK YOUR LAZY ASS AND WALK! That is all.

What do you think?

For the past two days I've had to stand on the train for my hour commute into Manhattan. Even at 30 weeks pregnant not a single soul had offered me their seat. I can't figure out if I have a right to be angry or if I'm just being hormonal and crotchety.

Regrets Only

Where: Every busy gas station in the greater Pittsburgh area

When: Any time of the day or night    

What: Move your damn ass car to a parking spot when you are done filling up and before you go inside to pay, buy your chew, order a 4-course meal, or drop a log. 

Improvement Requested

It would be nice if Texas (specifically the DFW metroplex) were better at:

1. Striping or otherwise identifying lanes on busy roads and sometimes the freeway.

2. Cleaning up roadkill.  I drove past three flattened cats (I think they were cats) on my way downtown today.

Note to Asshole Drivers Everywhere

If I'm in the passing lane doing 80mph, and I'm actively passing people going 65, when you zoom up in your BMW 7-series at 120mph and sit on my back bumper like the road belongs to you, I will stay in the passing lane as long as possible (or until I get bored) just to piss you off.

I wish I had a sharp object.

A crowded 90-minute public bus ride is no place to bring a big bunch of mylar balloons, including one of those oversized giant ones. I don't care if they say "Happy Mother's Day," I don't want them in my face.

Lost in the City

I'm now working in New York City.

This morning I had my head so far up my ass, I walked at least four blocks before I realized I was going in the wrong direction.

Let's Play "Identify That Carcass"!

The amount of roadkill in this country is utterly astounding. And since England's roads are all so narrow, I can't swerve out of the way when there's oncoming traffic, which means that my tires get plastered with blood and feathers.

Not My Bag

It really irks me when someone places their bag(s) on train seats and doesn't move it when the car becomes full of people standing. Even when I'm already sitting down I have to fight the urge to walk over and kick it off.

New Stuff, No Sleep

I started a new job in a new city and while I am excited to be here and beyond thrilled that I am being paid a very nice amount of money to do something I could probably do in my sleep, I am a little whacked out that I am in a new city, in a new hotel, sleeping in an unfamiliar place.  I am almost literally falling asleep at my desk today because I haven't gotten any rest since the weekend.

I'll get over it.  Did I mention?  NEW JOB!  NEW CITY!  MORE MONEY!  NO BIG FAT MEAN DOUCHEBAG MAKING ME UPSET LIKE AT MY LAST GIG!

Silver Spoons

I know it's petty of me to begrudge someone their good fortune but it chaps my ass to see seventeen-year-olds driving $80,000 cars. I live near some fancy private schools and these rich kids are all over my neighbourhood.

Bush, Biden, Who Cares Anymore?

Today my calendar says the year is 2011. Why do you still have campaign stickers on your car from 2004? Or even 2008? I don't give a rip who you voted for in the presidential campaign. Why don't people take these off, besides it damaging their vehicle?

Let me enter my user name and password for the EIGHTH TIME

The Hilton reservations website is without a doubt, the worst one ever.

I am thinking of boycotting Hilton hotels forever, just because the website sucks so much.

Move over, Chrysler Town and Country coming through!

Does anyone in California speed? As a typical leadfoot New Yorker, driving in California was irritating to say the least. There were times when I was even forced to go under the speed limit...gasp!

I Will Not Talk to the Hand

Dear Motorist at the Street Corner,

When the "Walk" signal comes on, it's a pretty safe bet that my fellow pedestrians and I are going to begin crossing the street.

The signal is not telling you to gun your motor and turn onto the street we are crossing, just because you think you can.

Also, putting out your hand in a half-conciliatory, half-imperious Superman-and-the-speeding-locomotive gesture will not convince us you're anything other than scum.

Love,

Those Unimportant People on Foot

Designated Driver

I'm leaving for Napa is a few days. My friends and I planned this amazing two-day 12 winery tour back in October of last year. Then, I got pregnant in November. So now I get to drive all the drunkies around the Valley. Lucky me!

A Lovely Country Drive

My commute to and from work is a lovely 35 minute drive down country roads and through small villages.  Whenever the road goes through a village, the speed limit reduces from 50-60 mph to 30 mph.  To make sure that people comply, there are speed cameras in every village.  If you get caught going 33 mph or more, you will get a big bill in the mail along with demerit points on your license.  I don't want to get caught going 3 miles over the speed limit, so please get your car off my car's ass and let me obey the law without having to worry about getting it up the rear from your too-in-a-hurry-to-care bastard self.  Ta!

RAM Truck

Dear "Texas Truck" drivers,

Doing 70 in a 65 mile zone is not left lane worthy speed. Speed up or move over.

Sincerely,

She who is doing 80+ in order to get the fuck home after class.

PS I realize Michelle will give me crap about this peeve since I commented once that since we all should be doing the speed limit the left lane fast lane shouldn't matter.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles can suck it

I used to love traveling for work, back when work travel happened maybe twice a year and I was single and bored.  I've had my new job for just under 2 months now and I am totally exhausted from traveling - every week to a different office branch, often back and forth in one day (the record so far is 9.5 hours of train travel for a 2 hour meeting).  I would rather stay overnight and see some of the city (Edinburgh! Cardiff! Manchester! Leeds!), but then I'd be whining about missing my husband.

Why can't we have a Tuscany office that is only open on Mondays and Fridays and needs me there for a week with all spousal expenses paid?