The Peevery

Would you like some ribbon candy, dear?

I don't know what possessed me to spray the cheap aerosol perfumes at the Dollar Store, but now I smell exactly like my grandmother. I always thought it was just old lady aroma.

That Path Is For Your Steps Alone

I decided to clear off some of the many DVD's that are hogging shelf space. Step 1: Buy a 1 TB hard drive. Check. Step 2: Download a DVD ripper. Check. I started to rip the DVDs to the hard drive. Holy cow, it takes forever! Like 10-15 minutes for one episode of Rockford, and about 20 minutes for a Columbo. This is a colossal pain in the behind. I thought I would simply load the DVD, push a button, and just like dragging a file in Windows, it would be saved on my hard drive. Yikes. Might have to re-think this plan.

Doubting My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

If you're going to send me a glitter-filled card, the next gift you send had better be a Dyson vacuum. I'm going to need the proper amount of suction to get that glitter off my floors, my hands, and my husband.

No More Series Books

I hate it when I begin a series whose books have not all been published already so I have to WAIT for the next one.  I have about three or four series that I'm impatiently waiting on the next novel for. I think none of them are coming out until at the earliest 2012. From now on I'm only going to be super late to the party.

The Extra B is for BYOBB

Last night was the second night in a row that I had to change my pyjamas before going to bed. 

Both times I had barbecue sauce on my shirt.

'Tis the season to recycle.

I get retailers are trying to make a buck this holiday season, but really, I don't need four catalogs in my mailbox every day.
Last night my husband said, "Why do you have this?" It was an American Girls catalog. I don't have a daughter nor have I ever bought anything related to American Girls.

Jesus Candles

My Cuban husband likes to light these candles for good luck.  He also likes to leave them lit when he goes to work, which is completely unacceptable. I've pleaded with him to stop trying to burn the house down but he doesn't listen.  Therefore, I've been forced to mess with his "santeria" superstition by collecting all Jesus candles and hiding them in the kitchen cupboard as I'm too afraid to throw them out.

Slip Sliding Away

My bathtub is the slipperiest surface I've ever experienced. I originally put down cute little fish decals.  Those slid off. I bought boring parrallelograms thinking the fish shapes were the problem.  Nope. the boring parallelograms are also slipping off the tub. Next I'm going to start showering in cleats.   

You, too, Guy Fieri

If you wear your sunglasses on the back of your head, it makes me want to punch you on the front of your head.

On the Current State of Jogging

Noted from recent trips to the park:

• I-Pod + ear buds
• Aerodynamic sunglasses
• Belt with water bottles
• GPS watch
• Shorts with multiple pockets containing energy gels
• Nylon cap
• Compression sleeves for the calves
• Vibram Five Fingers

This is called "minimalist running".

Just gnarly

First, I come home to a dead rat in the bushes next to my porch.  Now, it looks like some sort of small animal has vomited in my driveway.  It's the remnants of another animal, no less.  

When will the disgusting surpises end?!?  

Also, did I mention that the FedEx guy put a package from P&G (compliments of Blogher '11) right where the dead rat had been laying?  

I'm running out of Lysol.

Will and Kate Hate

In memory of my mom's sister-the-librarian, I contributed to the library's buy-a-book campaign. This means a nameplate with my mom's sister's name will appear in a newly purchased book. Nice, right?

I got a note from the library stating the name of the book they purchased:  William and Catherine by Andrew Morton. So when my mom asked me in which book her sister's name would appear, and I told her, she got all irritated. "Why didn't you specify the type of book you wanted? She wouldn't have read that book! That's so trashy. Can you call them and ask them to assign it to another book?" Geez, she acted like her sister's name was in Kardashian Konfidential for all eternity.

Small Irritations, Like a Wedgie of the Mind

Who the hell came up with the idea of attaching fake testicles to the back of vehicles?  I can't even put into words how dumb this is.

I am not efficient.

The bottles of laundry detergent were buy-one-get-one-free. Score.

I got home and noticed that the detergent is HE detergent, specially formulated for the new high efficiency washers. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Fail.

Ice Shortage

When we bought our house eight and a half years ago, my wife and I bought the bottom line version of every appliance.  The washer, dryer, stove, and refrigerator were all the most basic models that Sears had.  The ONLY extravagance I insisted upon was an ice maker in the freezer.  I don't want to have to worry about ice.  I like ice.  It makes my beverages more refreshing, especially in summer, which has finally arrive here in Buffalo.  So why in the HELL does my wife turn the ice maker OFF every damned day?  By the time I notice that it's off, there's usually only enough ice for one glass of whatever I'm drinking.  Tomorrow I'll turn off the hot water tank and see what she thinks. 

I can hear them, but I can't see them.

I'm a wind-chime-y girl. But I draw the line at camouflage-patterned wind chimes. Don't tell me that huntresses and military people will love them, no -- the line is drawn. 

And why the store would think that camo windchimes belong with a barrel of bath poufs also perplexes me.

Bibliophile Blues

Books are my thing. I am always reading. Every Tuesday I scour the Web for new releases. It seems like every other book out right now is part of either a trilogy or #8 in the series, etc. While it's fun discovering new series, sometimes I just want to read a book not in a series.

Armed Forces Day 2011

Is this a new holiday?  Anyway, in honor of this day here are three minor irritations about the army:

• The berets.  The flash is the size of a dinner plate and results in a ten gallon French hat that looks totally lame. 
• Concertina wire.  If you have ever heard the story of the tar baby, it was inspired by this stuff.
• Camouflage nets.  See above.  Huge and troublesome to work with but less painful.

Gritty

Tuesday night while I was volunteering one of the little girls threw play sand at me and got me upside the head with it.  Two days and two showers later, I'm STILL finding play sand in my ear.

Uber-Saturated

I'm so over seeing "uber" everywhere. Uber can go stand against the wall with its other modifier friends ultra, super, and mega. In fact, I'm uber-over uber.

Supersize Me

I can't find a nice small cell phone like my old Motorola V-66. 

I don't want a touch screen. 

I don't need to play games or surf the internet or watch videos on my cell phone.

I don't have any apps.

I don't want a smart phone or I-phone the size of a paperback.

I want a small phone that fits easily into my pocket that I can use to make the occasional call.  Text message OK but not required.

X-ray vision not needed...

Apparently, I was the last person to know that my shirt is see through. Especially when it rains. It wouldn't be so bad, except Wednesday evenings are dedicated to washing my work bras (aka boring, old, unattractive). Therefore, those who listened to my presentation first thing in the morning, had the pleasure of seeing one of my "sexy bras." Again, it wouldn't be so bad, except it is a black see through mesh number. At least it was a push-up bra, I guess.

Six! Six Remote Controls!

These are the remote controls in regular use in my home. Apparently remote controls should be regarded as having the same uniqueness as snowflakes. They must be used and respected for their appropriate function. So don't you even think about using the television remote control to adjust the volume when that is the job of the remote control for the receiver.

 

It's shit like this that makes me miss physically having to get up and change the channel. 

I Am Brawny

The medical test technician instructed me, "Remove all of your clothing from the waist-up and cover yourself with this," and she handed me a piece of crinkly paper that was pretty much the size of a paper towel and only covered the area of one boob. Then she left the freezing cold room for 10 minutes so I could spend some time alone with the crinkly paper towel. That was fun.

More Violence in the Furniture Department

Dear Furniture Store Sales Associate Asswipe:

When I come to your store, in person, with photographs I just took of my freshly delivered tv stand thingy that I just bought from you, showing scratches and dings in the wood that I didn't discover until long after the delivery guys left, and I tell you I'm disappointed and would like some compensation for receiving a damaged piece of furniture, I'd like more or a response than just a blank stare and an "Oh." 

No, I don't want to spend another afternoon waiting around for delivery guys to show up at my house to deliver a new thingy. I just want my price discounted since what was supposed to be a brand-new piece of furniture is actually damaged goods. That's what's logical in my head. Less work for everyone, right?

So when I tell you that I'm really disappointed, that even though this is my third purchase in this store I probably won't come back, and your response is, "Yeah...well you'll have to call our customer service department to work this out and they'll send someone over to your house to investigate" you should be happy that I didn't smack you in your big teeth. 

Unreasonably yours,

blaugra

A Clean(ing) Warning

Here's a very kind warning to the next person to send a card to my house that contains that stupid confetti, usually shaped liked birthday cakes, smiley faces, etc., that falls out and scatters everywhere upon opening of said card:

I will find every bean bag chair I can, come to your house and slit it open, leaving crap all over your floors. Stick some cash in the card instead, okay?

Held My Tongue Long Enough

I hate the phrase "bucket list."  I feel better now that I have gotten that off my chest.

Bush, Biden, Who Cares Anymore?

Today my calendar says the year is 2011. Why do you still have campaign stickers on your car from 2004? Or even 2008? I don't give a rip who you voted for in the presidential campaign. Why don't people take these off, besides it damaging their vehicle?

Swipe This!

Last night's trip to the grocery store was not unlike any other. I gathered provisions, headed to the checkout, the clerk scanned my groceries, I swiped my debit card, entered my PIN, declined cash back and authorized the total. Then I was left standing there while the clerk stammered around, unsure if I swiped my card or if I should be forking over a handful of cash. I had to tell the clerk that I'm paying with my debit card. This happens every single time I go to the grocery store. 

WHY? Why should I have to tell the clerk? Why should the clerk be so clueless? Shouldn't there be some prompt for them that a card has been swiped? Or perhaps the clerk should be more observant since he/she is usually standing TWO FEET away from me when I whipped out my walled and swiped the card in the first place? 

Bonus Peeve: I really wish every store had the same point-of-sale swipe and PIN procedure. 

Which office is this?

I need more randomly placed signs to tell me where I am. 

Oh, and please replace your little bear-holding-hearts with little bear-holding-shamrocks.

Is there a difference?

Do you mean tampons or tampons?  

 

Automatically Annoying

My building at work installed automatic paper towel and soap dispensers to compliment the automatically flushing toilets and water faucets. As an admitted germophobe I'm glad not to have to touch more than I need to in a bathroom that is generally less clean than the bathroom from Trainspotting.

However, those oh so helpful automatic dispensers NEVER dispense enough soap or paper towels. I'm left trying to trick the soap dispenser into giving me another dose of soap and then waiting out the sensor on the paper towel machine to get enough to dry my hands.  

It's 3am, I'm awake in bed. Terrible thoughts running through my head.

Insomnia blows.

Towel Bars

The hotel we're staying at has two double beds.  This is enough space for four people to sleep.  In the bathroom there is one towel bar, full of hand towels, and two hooks right next to the shower.  This is not enough for four hotel guests to be able to hang up their towels. I hate that. I want to reuse towels during my stay so I want to have a place to hang them up to dry.  

Pesky Marketers!

I bought three Verilux lamps.They're kind of ugly but they make reading easier.

Then I got barraged with catalogs and almost daily Verilux emails, and when I opted out of their marketing, they said "We're sad to see you go!" and asked me why. I mean, how many freaking old-person lamps does one household need? They should be happy I bought three.

Yo ho ho and an orange for me.

For more than a month I have been craving anything related to citrus - orange-scented candles, shampoo, body wash, face wash, orange-flavored gum, etc. I would eat more oranges but I don't have the patience to peel them.

I figured I had scurvy of the nose, but according to WebMD it's not a real disease.

Collect This Garbage

Last week the trash collectors didn't empty the cans. I called and politely complained that our house had been skipped and was informed that our trash cans weren't facing in the proper direction to be picked up. After much gentle arm twisting the sanitation company promised they'd make a special stop. Of course that never happened. In fact, they stopped taking my very polite but nagging calls by mid-week

Today they didn't take the trash we accumulated over the last 2 weeks because allegedly our cans weren't at the curb. I was conveniently standing in the driveway looking at the cans sitting on the curb when I called and they tried to give me a run around. 

Yeah, bitches. Try lying to me again. 

PS: I lived in Washington, DC for 7 years before moving to my current suburban enclave. When DC Public Works makes a private trash hauler look incompetent and lazy, you know there's a problem. 

 

 

Just Like Adrian Monk

It is so dry right now that no matter what I do I am building up a lot of static.  At work it has gotten so bad that I reach out and touch each of the metal doorframes as I walk down the halls so that I can have just a little shock as opposed to the big one I get if I just touch the door knob to my area.

It's a testament to my vast knitting talent.

Woman next to me in the guidance office: Oh, you're knitting! That's so neat! What are you knitting?
Me: Socks.
Woman: Wow! They even look like socks! That is so great!

I take my knitting with me so I can occupy myself and have minimal interaction with other people when I am waiting for an appointment. Maybe concentrating on what I am doing is why I can make a project that looks like what it is supposed to.

Hygiene by Swingline

I got a new stapler at work the other day.  The label had a couple of weird things written on it:

This product contains a coating that has been treated with an antimicrobial agent to protect the product from bacterial odor, fungal, mold and mildew growth. 

I have never seen a moldy stapler.  Was this previously a huge problem that was keeping down sales of staplers?

Antimicrobial coating is not intended as a substitute for good hygiene or to prevent infectious illnesses.

Glad they cleared that up.  Otherwise this awkward scene would soon occur at my office:

Uptight Adrian Monk Style Germophobe [me]:  Did you wash your hands before you started handling all the food in our break room?

Trusting stapler user:  No need sucker.  Washing hands is for squares.  My Swingline Stapler has antimicrobial properties.

 

Sticker Shock

There is a small round orange sticker affixed to the sidewalk near my bus stop. At least three times this week, when I approach the bus stop in the evenings, I have mistaken it for a penny and tried to pick it up. And I know that no matter how many times I remind myself of the sticker's existence before I reach it, I will probably try to pick it up at least once more. I hate my brain.

Badjective

If something is described as "whimsical" there's a very good chance that I will not find it to be whimsical. I will probably find it to be ugly.

Don't Mess With My Feng Shui

I have a little Lucky Cat figurine on my desk. Hey, every little bit of luck helps, right?  He's cute and faces the doorway. 

Every time a certain someone comes in my office, they touch Lucky Cat and move it out of position. Every time they leave I have to relocate Lucky Cat to its proper position. Would I be a total asshole if I'd interrupt our conversation to say "Dude. Don't touch the cat."?

Fraud Magnet, Part II

Mastercard may be smart. PayPal on the other hand, not so much.

A few days ago I realized that someone had broken into my Paypal account.  Some hacker bought an unlocked iphone on Ebay at the going rate of $759 and had it sent to an address in Florida. WTF?! I quickly called PayPal to notify them that the transaction was fraud and to stop payment, but PayPal said it was too late and that the money had already been wired to the seller's account. This all occured in less than a day.  With my PayPal account linked to my NY address, you'd think the Florida address would have raised some red flags. Now I'm temporarily out a big chunk of change, had to change passwords on all of my online accounts and am weary of any future online shopping.

 

Tis the season!

I got home from work yesterday, only to find that my Christmas tree had been knocked down. The strands of lights had been pulled from the study, all the way to the living room. Various ornaments were found in the kitchen, bedroom, closet, litter box #1, and my personal favorite...the toilet (Yes, I forgot to put the lid down). Accompanying the ornament placement design work were several "branches" from the faux tree itself. I had two possible suspects, my cats. Maggie was quickely ruled out, as she has never done something like this. Rook, well, first of all she's the butch of the two. And secondly, she was sleeping with an ornament around her neck, and glitter all over her fur.

The tree has since been dismantled and packed away for the season. Way to go Rook, you ruined it for everyone!

Fraud Magnet, Part I

I got a call a couple of weeks ago from my credit card company asking if I had written a check for $4000 to someone named Robert Long. I told them HELL NO and to not let that check be cashed. It seems Mr. Long (assuming he wrote the check) had gotten a hold of one of those promotionl checks that credit card companies send in the mail and figured he'd have himself a payday on my account. Thank goodness Mastercard was smart enough to verify before releasing any bucks.

All may be settled with the card company but I'm still pretty pissed off. I'd like to find this Robert Long and give him hell.

Note to Husband

I do appreciate you emptying the dishwasher. However, it really irks me when you put away a dish that still has food or grime on it. Please do not put dirty dishes with the clean ones as it stresses me out big time.

Love,

Your OCD wife

Sorry, kids.

The United States Fund for UNICEF has used every cent of a little donation I made to their efforts for the children in Haiti to get me to give them more money. Every week I get another appeal from them.

One of the weekly mailings included a big calculator sent in a padded envelope. Not only did I not need a calculator, it's a piece of crap. Now I have to get rid of a piece of crap calculator. So I wrote to them and told them how I felt about the piece of crap calculator mailing.

In return I got a "personal" letter from the head of marketing. She nicely explained to me how they focus-group tested all kinds of offers and premium gifts and those damn mailing labels and how the calculator campaign got the most response so they were going to keep using it. I get it, I worked in direct marketing. Anything to get that 3% response rate. That doesn't change the fact that I have this crappy calculator that nobody wants and I refuse to throw into a landfill. She apologized. Yet I still felt it was worth peeving about.

I'm never giving to UNICEF again, not even for the poor children.

Feelin' All My Polish Genes

I was up to my elbows in water in the washing machine, searching through my comforter for the DirecTV remote. After a few minutes it hit me - I had put it in my nightstand. Next time I need to search better before flipping out. (This wouldn't have been the first time I've washed the remote.)

Does Wisdom Come With Age?

Maybe I have simply moved on to other dorky pursuits.  Here are some things that I used to like, but that really annoy me now.

• Pringles
• Baseball Caps
• The Grateful Dead
• Miller Lite
• Robert Ludlum books