Since my surgery, my poop patterns have totally changed. Now, the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I have to bolt to the bathroom. It's not too bad in a way, as this guarantees that I can poop at home, in privacy, rather than at work, but it is taking some getting used to. No more hitting the snooze button for me.
I am embarrassed to poop in my own house. The A/C installers are here.
My office received one of these lovely Edible Arrangements. It's perishable, delicious, and because only two of us in the office eat fruit, I've been gorging myself on melon and chocolate dipped pineapple slices. As a result, I'm spending waaaaaaaay too much time in the bathroom.
This is the first week of the Open Peeve Friday contest. You have two more Fridays to enter before I choose two reader winners and one Peever winner. Remember the simple rules: email me your peeve in the Traffic/Cars/Travel category and make sure you receive a confirmation email from me.
Contest Peeves
Daily Piglet (reader):
the other day i was at home depot parked under the contractor pick up area b/c it's shaded and i had the dogs with me. i had to adjust the position of the truck so it would be close to the wood that i wanted. i noticed a guy in front of me in a dip shit pick up truck FUMING b/c i was blocking one of the entrances. when i got out of the truck, he squealed around to the other end all pissed off. i was in a mood so i kind of just put myself close to his area in case he wanted to start something. (i'll totally rumble at the home depot if i have to.)
he stomps out of his truck, goes in for like 5 minutes comes out and leaves WITH NOTHING. i'm thinking he thought he was someone important that doesn't need to park in a designated area if he isn't loading up. here's what i have for you mr. mad man, SUCK IT!
Katrina (reader):
USE YOUR F***ING TURN SIGNALS!!!! I am not psychic and have no idea where you are going unless you signal. And I sure as hell will not let you merge unless that signal is ON. And no, a certain hand signal issued after you nearly hit the car you were tailgating does not count as a turn signal.
Nikita (Peever):
For whatever reason, Angelenos think it’s perfectly acceptable for 4 or 5 cars to make a left hand turn once the light has turned yellow. It’s not just the dude sitting in the middle of the intersection anymore, it’s him and the four cars behind him, essentially going through a red light. Asshats.
Bonus Peeves
(These aren't eligible for the contest since they were not in the Traffic/Cars/Travel category)
Susan:
so. your ass is too precious to come in contact with a perfectly dry toilet seat? really? don't want your porcelain-white heinie to touch the porcelain, huh? fine. whatever. but after you are done hovering your delicate behind over said toilet seat, thus causing your pee to splash ALL OVER said toilet seat, please have the common decency to wipe it off. because it ain't right that i should be punished for your butt-snobbery and forced to either hover myself or clean YOUR PEE off of the toilet seat, you disgusting ingrate. were you raised in the woods? do you really find yourself so freaking special that (a) your butt can't touch where others butts have touched, and (b) you can't be bothered to clean up after yourself rather than leaving your human waste for others to tend to?
asshole.
p.s. Oh, and i will find you, office seat-peer, whoever you are. i already tried to address this "by the books," putting signs up kindly asking the ladies in the office to "leave the stall clean, seat dry, toilet flushed." that didn't work. you continue to strike with your phantom seat pee at least once a day. in the timeless words of randy jackson, listen up, yo. if i have to resort to installing cameras in the tampon disposal box, i'll do it. i. will. find. you. and i will not love you and marry you like that guy from Atonement. oh, no. i will expose you. and i will ruin you.
i have a neighbor that always refers to a friend of hers, as "the big one" when she is telling me something. each time, i want to punch her in the face b/c really who wants to be known as "the big one"? perhaps i can begin referring to her as "the seriously whacked out one that possibly could have killed her husband and made it look like an accident" ONE.
i am done with cashiers commanding me to press this and press that on the machines when i am checking out. first of all, why can't these machines be universal? i read a post secret entry recently (if i remember correctly) in which a cashier notes that they actually LIKE doing this to customers before they can even start pressing the first button.
i wish to tell them to please SHUT THE FUCK UP. same goes for them asking of i have my disount card. you see me reaching into my wallet for it, just wait a fucking minute already. or else i'll be forced to slow things down by jamming up the machine as an angry mob forms behind me waiting in line to be checked out.
I appreciate the fact that they put a new air freshener in the bathroom here at work, however being hit with a wall of "orange" as you walk in is not necessarily better than the alternative.
In the time it took you to paper the toilet seat to your fanatical specifications, I entered the stall, peed, left the stall, washed and dried my hands and exited the bathroom.
Dude, you really expected to make it all the way down to the lobby in the elevator alone that you didn't think you'd have to hold in that fart for a few extra seconds? I mean, come on!
I saw this on a HGTV show from a Kitchen and Bath show. An odor removing toilet! When I am King of the World every public bathroom will be required to install these, thus eliminating "Courtesy Flush" from our lexicon. Wahoo!
Question: Does Pepto Bismol do a damn thing?
Answer: No, it does not.
I'm pretty sure I stepped in dog poop.
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