The Peevery

Flush People!

Our bathroom at work gets quite a bit of traffic. We have a lot of employees as well and patients who use the same restroom.  I always like to think that women are more sensitive to the necessity of having a clean bathroom, but it seems week in and week out, I am proven wrong.  I have gone in to use the restroom on several occasions over the last week or two only to find an incomplete flush. I always do the flush double check, that is, checking to ensure that all waste has in fact left the bowl. I guess it is wrong of me to assume that everyone else does the same. Frankly, you must be some sort of disgusting idiot if you don't. For the love of all things holy people, CHECK THE FREAKING BOWL.  

The Office Rules

• When watching an instructional video use headphones so as not to disturb me with your instructor's babbling.

• When I ask for something in writing don't dictate it to me over the phone.

• When pooping at work -- allow me to emphasize, loudly pooping -- turn on the exhaust fan. Ew.

Sound Barrier Needed

I have this new bathroom in my house, and the door was replaced along with everything else. Unfortunately the new door may as well just be a piece of plywood, because I can hear everybody's bathroom business even with the fan running. Every butt explosion. It's delightful.

Poo-mergency

Rain + dog poo + slick sidewalk = me slipping and almost breaking my neck. I'd like to find the irresponsible dog owner and rub his/her nose in it. I'm glad I didn't sustain a poo-cussion. Or have to go to the poo-spital.

This Stinks

If you’re going to bother to spray the bathroom so heavily with “jasmine” air freshener that the scent hits me in the face when I open the door, could you also both to take the toilet brush to task on the bowl which is almost completely covered in skidmarks? I don’t need two reminders of what the person just before me was up to (or “up two”, as the case may be).

Peeves of Yore: Juice with a side of shit talking, please!

Friday. It could not have come any sooner. I mean that to be a question. Why the hell could today, Friday, not come any bloody sooner? Looking back on my last two PofY, as well as, my last couple of Peeves, I've noticed that I have been increasingly cynical. I really need to wipe the angry girl music sludge off of me, pull myself up by the boot straps, and get my shit together. Someone told me recently, should I happen to see the sky turn pink and fill with unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course), my days will begin to brighten up. Well, damn it, I saw it. And if the fucking pink sky and unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course) don't cheer up this little cup-o-juice, I know what will...

Peeves of Yore shall be dedicated to bathroom peeves today! Shit makes everyone laugh. Well, maybe not everyone. It makes me laugh, so if you don't want to laugh along with me today - eat shit.

Jenn4221, anytime you start to feel like you have a "case of the Monday's," you just keep your chin held high and keep your eyes on the head prize!

This is genius, Peeved Michelle. There are simply no words to describe how awesome this is. All in favor of a Caca Castle? Me! Me! Me! Me! Those who are not...exit to the rear please (tee hee hee), and go fuck yourself.

Dearest Unknown Peever, My advice to you is this.... Never, ever trust a fart. Period. You gambled and lost, my friend.

If this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will. All hope is lost if Heather's peeve doesn't enourage even a little giggle.

Wow, this Unknown Peever gambled and won. Winner, winner chicken dinner!

My goodness, this shit talking really put me in one hell of a better mood. I'm so freaking happy now, I could just shit! Enjoy your weekend, my friends.

 

 

 

Women of the 6th Floor

While I try not to take notice of the sounds going on around me in the restroom, I can't help but know that one or more of you regularly DO NOT WASH YOUR HANDS after coming out of a stall.

I don't care what you are doing in there, but do us all a favor and stop the spread of germs...especially if I just heard you flush.

Don't come crying to me when you have a cold.

(Baby) Shit Happens

Dear Husband:

 

You don't get a trophy for changing a shitty diaper so stop talking about it like you just won the Superbowl.

 

Sincerely,

kayteadee

Everything Counts in Large Amounts

I haven't pooped in four days. I'm terrified of things to come.

Pissed Off

The hallmarks of the infection I am fighting include frequency and urgency of urination. While I wait for the antibiotics to do their job, I am supposed to increase my fluid intake.

I'll be setting up a desk in the ladies' room if anyone is looking for me.

Boy Germs!

Low toilet + tall, nearsighted husband = a bathroom floor which will live in infamy.

Rectum Immobulus!

Starting tomorrow night, I'm spending three nights in a two-bedroom cabin with my boyfriend, his sister, their dad, and his girlfriend.

Is there any way I can lock my rectum for the weekend?

It's About to Get All Stupid Up In Here

My dumbest decision of the day:  Trying to run 7 miles fast in 90 degrees heat.  At 6 PM after a late lunch.  Consisting of nine tamales.

My second dumbest decision of the day:  Not taping my nipples.  I don't think my girlfriend would approve if I forgo bathing until the soreness is gone.

My third dumbest decision of the day:  At the park, I tried to be courteous and let some other guy use the porta john before me, since we both got there at the same time.  I should have known what this guy was thinking because he was wearing dress pants, jogging shoes, no shirt and carrying a pair of shorts.  I waited about five minutes.  I didn't want to leave because I kept hoping this guy would come out, and because it was about a five minute jog to the next loo and I really had to pee.  Unfortunately, I guess this guy had decided to turn in for the night because he never came out.  I ended up making the trek to the next one.  However, I think this guy's decision to change clothes in a portajohn is dumber than my three combined.  That is about the most disgusting thing I heard all day.

When you're sliding into home, and your pants are full of....

Dear Juice,

It is really not the brightest idea to chug-a-lug 12oz of milk (skim), gobble up 4 oz of cottage cheese (1%), 6 oz of light yogurt, and two slices of swiss cheese. Might I kindly remind you, you're lactose intolerant, dumb ass. Due to your inability to keep your shit in line, I shall now make your day a living hell. Those bathrooms have no idea what they're up against today.

Sincerely,

Your gurgling digestive system that is ready to explode like a volcano

Monday Poop

I travel mainly on Mondays.  What this means is that I set my alarm for 3:45am, and when it goes off I snooze it.  Then I get out of bed at 3:54 am and swear.  Then I take a quick shower - a birdbath really - then get dressed and run downstairs.  I get in the car and fly to the airport.  I get on the plane and snooze the whole way to wherever I'm going.  Once I arrive at the office I get some coffee and start my day.  Then I work about 10 hours.

I do not poop.

The travel jacks me up.  So by the time I finally DO poop, it's about dinnertime and my whole system is a mess. 

*That Monday evening poop is usually the best one of the whole week.

The hills are alive with the sound of pooping.

Doesn't this Swiss miss look like she's going to take a crap right there on that pristine mountainside?

Is that a hunger pain in your pocket or...

I was sitting in a meeting before lunch today and my stomach was making the loudest, "I need to fart, but you keep on clenching your cheeks. Therefore, I'm going to groan louder and louder and make a scene" noise. I also had the unlucky pleasure of sitting next to my boss. He kept poking me and saying things like, "wow, somebody didn't eat breakfast this morning" and "you better eat soon or your tummy is going to eat itself". I so badly wanted to stand up, stick my booty in his face and rip ass. If he would've just shut his trap about it, I wouldn't have been so concentrated on it, causing my gas pains to turn into diarrhea pains.

Rush Hour

I had to poop. I entered the deserted restroom intending to do so. Three more people entered before I even sat down. They quickly peed and left. A maintenance worker (female) came in and emptied all the trash. Another woman came in to pee. Before she left, someone else came in to brush her teeth and fix her make-up. Two more pee ladies came and went. Another pooper came in and tried to wait me out. That's when I started this post. Now, I'm waiting for one last pee lady to wash her hands and leave. By my estimation, I've been in here for nine hours, waiting to poop in privacy.

Two wrongs don't make a right

Not sure what is worse...The fact that someone took an enormous dump in the bathroom after lunch, making it smell worse than baby shit sitting in an open garbage for days. Or, the fact that the perpetrator with the stank, rotten ass sprayed so much air freshener I could hardly see, let along breathe from the fog.

Flossing and Pooping

Dear Lady Who Needed to Poop,

I know the routine. You come in, you see someone at the sink, you choose a stall, and you wait for the sink lady to exit before you begin pooping. Sink lady appreciates it and you get to be a secret pooper.

What you failed to notice before entering your stall was that I wasn't merely washing my hands at the sink. I was flossing my teeth with a floss threader because I have braces. Flossing my teeth with braces takes easily twenty times longer than without. I was being particularly meticulous because I am leaving in a few minutes for my teeth cleaning appointment. (That is the ONLY reason I would resort to using the work bathroom for oral hygiene.)

Sorry you got tired of waiting me out and had to finally exit the bathroom without doing your business. You should have stayed a couple minutes longer. I was almost done.

-Michelle

P.S. I'm not really sorry.

 

An Auspicious Start

Today was day two of my new job and I already have a peeve.  My desk is in a room with 3 other people, and the person whose desk is connected to mine makes a noise with every breath that sounds as though she is taking a really difficult shit.  I'm sure I'll get used to it in time, and I'm sure there's some sort of medical condition she is suffering that I should be sympathetic toward, but it really is distracting to be thinking about poop all day long because of the noises coming from 4 feet across the room.

No, I will not eat green eggs and ham

Intern Update: Apparently, one of my interns had a 'green eggs and ham' get together at her home this weekend. She was having leftovers for lunch. I'm sure the ham was okay to eat, but the eggs? Not too sure about that one! Of course, I didn't say anything. Anyone who wears jeggings deserves to feel the wrath of day old eggs. Silly girl. Silly, silly girl.

Pooped Out

I figured that The Peevery would be as good a place as any to talk about bowel function. 

I've spent a lot of time with a parent who had some major surgery in the abdominal area. While in the hospital, he couldn't poop post-op and they wouldn't discharge him until he could poop. He was given hardcore drugs to stimulate the bowels. So much stimulation that there were several mishaps, which I had to hear all about. To stop the over-stimulation, the hospital wanted to give him an additional drug. So he would be using two drugs that in my uneducated opinion would just fight with each other. Stimulate bowels! Stop bowels! I didn't get it. Why do doctors prescribe drugs that seem to act against one another?  He asked to be taken off of both bowel drugs, to go au naturel, and he ended up successfully going home. 

Now he can't poop. So every day I get the same report about bowl dysfunction, and the many laxatives, stool softeners and cups of prune juice he has ingested. I am not a medical person, I can't solve this problem, and it grosses me out to think of all the accumulated poop. 

Sad Bullet List of Personal Stuff I Shouldn't Be Sharing

• My antidepressant is not working
• My ass hurts
• I can't poop
• I'm not 100% happy with my job
• I need to lie in bed for a few days
• Fall makes me sad

No Skids, Por Favor.

There are only three women that work at my office, and three bathroom stalls in the ladies room. The three of us have come to an understanding that we each get our very own stall, which is kind of nice. What isn't kind of nice is when a female visitor comes to the office and leaves skid marks in MY toliet. This means that for the rest of the day, every time I go to the bathroom I have to deal with looking at someone else's shite.

Please Stop Speaking to Me

If I finish answering your question, turn my back on you and enter a stall, that is your cue that the conversation is over. If I loudly rustle the seat cover and start peeing without regarding to the sound it creates, that should serve as further clue. I'm dealing with something a bit more urgent than small talk about my weekend.

Suck it, Unidentified Coworker.

Somehow, I keep finding unflushed toilets in my office building. Even more puzzlingly, they always have poop in them, and never pee. The shitbandit deems feces a-ok, but it would just be gross to leave pee in the toilet.

WTF?

Where's The Ladies Room?

I get annoyed when someone asks me what time it is and they point to their wrist.
 
If I ask you where the ladies room is I don’t point to my hoo-hoo, or hold my crotch!

Disturbing My Poo

I'm one of those people who regularly poop around the same time every morning.  Unfortunately now that I exercise in the morning, that gets pushed back several hours.  This means every day I'm on the brink of violating poop etiquette. 

(I prefer to exercise in the morning.  In the evening I'm too tired from working and all sorts of other things so I just like to sit and relax.)

Dregs of Summer

It is too too hot and I am sick of exercising in the heat:

• My sneakers are too smelly to keep inside. I want to throw them away but I have not had enough use out of them. I am trying to squeeze another 40-50 miles out of each pair. I brought them into my office yesterday, so I could go directly from work to the park, and after an hour I was gagging from the stench.
• I wish the guys would have some sense of decorum. Put on a shirt. Maybe I would feel differently if I weren't too pasty, too flabby, and too hairy to go shirtless. But I doubt it.
• Twice after long Saturday workouts of about 15 miles I have peed blood. I never had that happen before, and it freaked me out at first, but the doctor was not too concerned. Still, it is totally gross.

Please Tell Me If I Have a Tissue Tail

What would you do if you saw someone with toilet tissue hanging out of her pants? Would you mind your own business, tell her, or yank it out of her ass? I discreetly informed a woman at the airport she had toilet paper stuck to her pants, she awkwardly said thank you and bolted for the restroom.

If this happened to me I would hope that someone would flag me down and let me know. My heart would sink, and I’m not sure if I would laugh or cry, but I would be forever grateful for being such a dumbass (no pun intended).

Audition post #4 by Irishchick

Oh Shit

I was going to peeve last week about the horrible quality of toilet paper in our bathrooms at work.  It's rough and scratchy and was, I thought, obviously the cheapest toilet paper they could find.  I was wrong.  They switched kinds of toilet paper today and have now found the cheapest toilet paper possible.  In addition to being rough and scratchy, it's also so thin that it's impossible to tear along the perforations the whole way - about halfway through it just starts shredding.

So now we have shredded scratchy burlap that is so ineffective it requires half a roll for even the most basic of jobs.  Brilliant.  Henceforth I will just bring the paper from my recycling bin - I'm sure it will be much more comfortable to use.

Holy crap, we've got a floater!

The other night my girlfriends and I went out to dinner at a fairly upscale wine bar. Three of us decided to find the bathroom and discovered it was a single unisex one located directly off one of the dining rooms. I tried the door and it was locked. We waited and waited. What the hell was taking so long? We joked that this person must be taking a dump to be taking so damn long. Finally, a young guy emerges and looks at us kind of funny. I go in and what do I see? A GIANT turd floating in the toilet. Of course, I had to be juvenile and come back out and tell my friends. People, if you must take a dump in a public place, please make sure your poops are flushed and gone before you emerge from the bathroom.

Audition post #4 by KnoxLauren.

Hold the Cheese

At an amusement park recently, I hopped on what I thought was going to be a relaxing train ride around Dollywood. At the start of the ride, the conductor told everyone to give the seat in front of you a big push to get the train started. Seriously?

My next ride was on a wooden roller coaster. Before take-off the announcer asked us if we were ready for the ride of our lives. I guess our response wasn't ecstatic or loud enough for him. He then stated he wasn't going to let us go until we screamed louder. "The louder y'all scream; the faster the roller coaster."

I paid my admission dammit; let me ride without the cheese please!

Audition post #2 by Irishchick.

Morning Routine Revisions

I just started living with my boyfriend, and have yet to get used to him being there all the time. Part of my morning routine includes taking a poop prior to jumping in the shower. I wait until after I shower to flush, because for some damn reason if I flush, I have cold shower water for the next half hour. Anyway, I get out of the shower, towel off and away I go to get dressed. The next thing I know, the door to the bathroom shuts and up goes the toilet seat. There it was, the remnants of my horrible stomach ache, and the Mexican leftovers that caused it, staring at him. Not a word was spoken as we both got ready for work, but I knew we both had one thing on our minds. My gigantic morning dump.

Audition post #1 from Juice.

Don't Wanna Be Your Dumping Ground

Dear Blaugra:

It is NOT COOL that you stopped by my room (Hilton #3037) to hang out, then dumped in my bathroom, then ran away, leaving me with the aftermath.

Love you anyway,

Kate the Peon

Bacon Peeve

I make the best bacon.  I line a cookie sheet with sides with foil, and then I put a cooling rack over the cookie sheet.  Then I lay the bacon slices on the cooling rack, and drizzle it all with maple syrup and then sprinkle the bacon slices with brown sugar.  Bake it in a 425 degree oven for about 20 minutes and you have a delicious bunch of bacon-y goodness. It's like meat candy.  It's really very good.

So what's my peeve?  The fact that I ate five pieces in less than two minutes and then had explosive diarrhea which basically ruined my evening.

To Flush, or Not to Flush?

When you finish peeing into an auto-flush toilet, do you flush it yourself, or just exit the stall, knowing that it will (should!) flush itself?

I'll let you comment and then tell you what I do. Based on your comments, I may have to lie about my strategy.

Also, is it weird that I prefer the handicap stall because the toilet is a tiny bit higher than in the non-handicapped stalls?

Am I a Tyrant?

One of my employees emailed me to tell me that she wouldn't be in to work because she had bad diarrhea. Seriously, a simple "I'm not feeling well" would have been just fine.

That's Just Creepy

In the middle of a lengthy workout yesterday I was running fairly hard and passed a guy who gave me a wave and a "looking good" type comment.  In response I gave a thumbs up and said, "You too," even though that wasn't the case, but I figured it's helpful to share encouragements.

Later, about halfway through the workout, I stopped for a pit stop in the park's men's room.  Apparently that thumbs up qualifies me for membership in the Senator Larry Craig Lonely Bros Club. 

Malaise

Or, as I like to call it, the boo-fucking-hoos.

• My stomach hurts.
• My head hurts.
• I can't eat.
• I'm not sleeping.
• My bariatric surgeon is moving to New Orleans.  And he appears to have put on about 50 pounds.
• All my grandparents are dead.
• I'm old.
• I'm mad at my husband.
• My kid wet the bed last night.

Poor me!

Are You Listening Scott Tissue?

Exactly twice this morning, I chanced it with the end of the toilet paper roll in each bathroom. One roll provided me enough for a wipe, the other faked me out, and I had to do the ass scoot to the cabinet to get a new roll.

It would be great if toilet paper told you, "You have exactly 10 shit tickets left until you need to change the roll - good for one butt wipe."

I've been stinkbombed!

I left my office for 20 minutes and returned to the aftermath of a giant fart - not mine. I had to open the windows and it still smells.  Even worse, ground zero of the giant fart is right in front of my computer. That ain't right. I need a gas mask.

The Poop Pagoda Revisited

I wish that there was a single-stall bathroom anywhere in this building. Sometimes I would simply like to poop in peace.

Which reminds me of this thing I wrote a long time ago with some ideas about how to improve workplace pooping.

From The Poop Pagoda:

Why is it that floating some logs at work has to be so fraught with tension? Why has no one yet conceived of an easier way to pinch off a loaf while on the clock?

I have found a better way. The fundamental requirement for a place to poop in peace is that one must be free from the fear that another person will walk in mid-poop. Everyone poops but no one wants to know about it.

There should be a separate bathroom for pooping. A doody den. A caca castle. A poop pagoda.

Keep reading

THE WORST NEWS EVER

When I switched roles at work a couple months ago, I switched desks as well. The best part about that was moving away from the farter. (I complained about him much more on Twitter than I did here.) I just heard the worst news ever. Not only is that foul creature moving over here, but he will be sitting even closer to me than before. I seriously want to cry.

What is God's truth?

According to the sign at the church down the street, they have it and I need it.

This too shall pass.

I'm not sure that big bowl of chili with beans for lunch was such a good idea.

What's that noise in the background?

If you are going to take a cell phone call in the bathroom, you should know that I am going to try harder to fart it up real good in there.

Reader Peeves: Bodily Functions Edition

Have a peeve? Send it in. peevedmichelle@yahoo.com

RFK has a peeve:

When making duece in the toilet and you realize your nose is running, make sure to blow the nose before the wipe. This is important.

Jamie has a peeve:*

I’ve had a bladder infection for a goddam week. If I go to the doctor she’ll give me antibiotics which will make me sick to my stomach and render my birth control pills less effective. So my options are “hurts to pee” or “puking and possibly getting pregnant”.

Guess I’ll stick with the bladder infection. :p

*I already told her to get her pee-pee to the doctor.

Urinetown

What's worse than having to step over a huge lake of urine in front of my office door?

Having to step over the urinator.