The Peevery

From My Husband

Dear Blaugra, love of my life:

When you burst into the TV room and jump on the couch while I'm watching my beloved gun show with important dialogue on the Military Channel, then start bitching at me to change the channel while you are eating extra crunchy pretzels from a crinkly bag, don't act all surprised and hurt when I tell you to just go away. Seriously.

Yours,

SALTY D

Living MadTV

There's an old MadTV skit with Mo Collins playing an older woman who clears her throat A LOT. That is my boss, all day long. It is very annoying.

The Family that Stews Together

I was at a Super Bowl party and a co-worker informed me that both he and his wife were bent out of shape because I did not greet his wife with a hug at the company Christmas party.  Several thoughts sprang to mind but the only one I managed to put into words is that's a long time to nurture such a perceived slight.  In addition, I am a man. I don't go around hugging people willy nilly.  What's more, if that's the kind of thing that you're mad about for months, what other grievances are percolating? 

Other thoughts from the Super Bowl:

• I stopped watching at half time.  I couldn't take any more of Al Michaels pronouncing the name "Bradshaw" in three syllables (e.g., brad' -sho - wah).
• The new Chevy Sonic looks just like a VW Golf from ten years ago.  All our taxpayer money and this is the best they can come up with, along with the pansy assed slogan of "Let's Do This"? 
• I tried watching the Madonna concert at half time but left after a minute or two.  I am not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to remake/homage to the 1980's Flash Gordon movie.  The title song is the most memorable thing about that movie, that was dumb even to an elementary schooler.
• The further I get from high school the stupider I find professional sport.

Can You Elaborate?

Today one of my students said, "People who go to college are exposed to different ideas and such." My female students use this phrase at least once a week. It drives me crazy because it makes them sound stupid. To make matters worse, the phrase is nonsensical to me and I don't think they know what it means either. Do they mean to say such as and then fail to elaborate? Do they mean to use the expression such as it is in a shortened way? Or is and such the new yadda yadda yadda? I always ask and I get bland non-answers.

Bus Peeve: I Can Smell Your Coat

It's the perfect olfactory representation of "Wet Chain-Smoking Sheepdog with Fondness for Canned Chili."

Gym Judge!

To the people who are slowly pedaling a stationary recumbent bike while reading back issues of InStyle and Popular Mechanics:  you are not working out. You are barely moving.

Pick One. Not That One.

Yes, you twee food blogger, there is a difference between "macaroon" and "macaron." And yes, you've been using the wrong one since the day you became the very first person in the whole world to decide that macarons are OMGthe new cupcakes.

I would sentence you to a lifetime of Velveeta and Oreos, but I fear you'd only turn them into some kind of ironic cobbler. With bacon.

So, how much does he get an hour?

It really makes me want to slap a woman when she says, "My husband is babysitting the kids."

Isn't that called being a father?

I can't wrap my head around why a woman would ever say this.

Proud of you! Now go away...

I think it's great you lost a lot of weight, Jennifer Hudson, and you do look fabulous, but come on ... I can't read a magazine or watch an hour of TV without you popping up.

An eyeful of what?

Who doesn't look to see if anyone is occupying the bathroom stall before yanking the door-with-the-broken-lock open, only to be greeted by me, pulling up my pants? I hope you got an eyeful, bizzatch. Next time, proceed with caution. We're at the gym so I know you can bend over to check out the feet in the stalls first.

Everyday I'm Shufflin'

University students wearing Uggs: pick up your damn feet when you walk!

You're not fooling anybody

Dear Colleague,

Just because an actual sound doesn't come barreling out of your mouth, I can still smell your rank ass tuna fish sandwich burp. Seriously, who do you think you're fooling? It's tuna fish! You're gross, and I feel sorry for your wife, who...actually, I don't feel sorry for your wife. It was her decision to marry a tuna fish silent burp machine.

Sincerely,

Grossed out Juice

P.S. Fingering the tuna that falls onto your plate from the bread makes me want to throw up. Use a fucking fork, man!

You're Gross: That's What WebMD Is For

Dear lady working out next to me at the gym...who I DO NOT KNOW,

It is not appropriate to turn to the person next to you (especially if they are a stranger) and ask, "So, like, do you think it's okay for me to be, like, doing such a strenuous workout when I have a yeast infection? It'll be okay, right?"

How the eff would I know if it will be alright? Do I look like a panelist on the talk show, "The Doctors"? Yeah, I didn't think so. Face forward, and shut your trap, lady. You're gross. Now all I can think about is your cottage cheese issue. Thanks, you ruined my workout. And, my love of cottage cheese.

Pen me in, dammit!

Here's the thing. If I make plans with you, those are the plans.

The negotiation took place days ago. The terms have been agreed upon and are not subject to change with less than 24 hours notice.    

OK, emergencies are an exception, but that's it. Illness is included, obviously.

You cannot just call me up in the morning and expect me to be all excited that the plans we made are now changing for no reason whatsoever. I need logic. I need manners.

To paraphrase George Costanza, "We're living in a society here!"

Rhymes with "Lame Me"

Dear Husband's Previous Wife:

I agree that being at the same party with you is awkward, and I'm fine with our unspoken agreement to stay on opposite sides of the room. But I am perplexed by your apparent inability to remember my name on the rare occasions where we are forced to interact, especially since I have been married to your ex for ten years. May I suggest gingko biloba?

Love,

That Woman

Just say no.

If I ask you for a favor, and you either can't or don't want to do it, then just tell me. Don't ignore four phone calls, two emails, and several texts. It is also irritating when you miraculously pick up your phone the day after said favor is needed and claim you didn't know. It is called "being a grown up" and you should join us here in the real world sometime.

If I Had a Gun for Every Ace I've Drawn,

Why do people say "I can't win for losing?"

I understand the point is to communicate abject failure not due to the fault of the speaker, but this expression makes no sense.  If you are constantly losing, then of course you would not win so why would that even be an expectation?  Why waste breath saying that then?

Can you hear me now?

Through out the past couple of months I have been taking note of things people say out loud. Especially things I'm guessing they think nobody else can hear? These are things I've heard at work, the gas station, grocery store, Target, etc. I have decided that today is the day that I will educate the masses on what I have heard. It's a good thing too, because I've been overflowing with excitement to get these out, as I have been hiding them in my little brain for quite some time. 

Woman yelling on the phone at Target: "Stop licking your sister there!"

Overheard at the gas station: "My bag ain't ghetto. Ghetto is a noun, not adjective. My bag is from the ghetto, fool."

Passing by two college age guys: "Dude, would you rather be burned alive, or forced to eat human crap?" (I'm guessing someone just play the game 'Would You Rather'?)

Two college-age girls in the feminine product aisle at the grocery store: "I really don't want to have sex with him anymore. Should I just, like, tell him I have "herps" or something?"

Mom to (soon to be fat) kid at mall: "Just eat another taco. We'll look for a McDonalds for you as soon as we leave."

Overheard man on cell at Walgreens: "Just had my vasectomy reversed. Shit, the things we do for love, right?"

Two young college-age looking guys: Guy #1: "Give it back to me, or I'll cut you motherf*cker. Guy #2: "Cut me? I'll kill you, bitch. I'm motherf*cking dolomite, yo."

I have a few more, but I'll save those for a rainy day. Happy Thursday, everyone. You're welcome.

Things I Hate Right Now

• Any song by Genesis
• My personal training sessions
• Christmas cookies
• My wide feet
• Christina Applegate's character in Up All Night
• Thinking about going back to work after holiday break

Cocky

The past several years, when I sent Christmas presents I also enclosed an envelope that had all the receipts in case they wanted to return anything.  This year I got cocky. For my niece's birthday I bought her what I considered to be a rather gruesome video game, figuring she'd love it since she loves scary movies and Six Flags Scream and haunted houses and all that stuff. She says it might be too scary for her. I threw away the receipt two weeks ago. Oops.

Oh my vagina!

There are some things you shouldn't share on Facebook. Namely, the fact that your uterus is tilted and that sometimes sex is painful.

I think someone Long Mis-Counted

By the way, you have a year left until the Mayan Apocalypse, so start shopping now!

Do I have to really tell people that the world isn't going to end on a neatly numerical day like 12/21/2012. Plus, how do you even know the math is correct. Has anyone checked their work against the answer sheet?

So now do we get to party like it's 2012 or are people just going to stockpile crap like they allegedly did in 1999?

Either way, everyone just calm down. I would hate to think that this is my last Christmas and that I might die a spinster. I need to get some more dating experience under my belt before we're all blown to kingdom come.

And that's the other problem I have with this end of the world stuff. How the hell does anyone know how the world's going to end? Has it happened before? No. It's all just speculation. Why can't the world end in fluffy bunny slippers for all? Does it have to be so horrific?

Perfect Fatality

The word flawed is already way overused by talentless hacks of varieties both political and news reporter. 

But can't they come up with some adverb, any one, other than deeply to modify this poor, undeniably irreparably defenseless, severely unresuscitably beaten down adjective?

Second-Hand Peeve, misplaced variety

I went out to dinner and the next table over was about a dozen people on happy hour.  Judging by their appearance and conversation, I'd say they were first year staffers at a Big 4 consultancy.

One of the especially loud girls said she was at work that day and had been remarking to the whole room how much she hated sweater vests, only to find her manager wearing one, and much embarrassment ensued.  Apparently this article of clothing is sufficiently loathsome that she continued her rant at the happy hour.

I am not a huge fan of the sweater vest, but I have a couple in my closet.  They are fine if you want to wear a jacket, and want to be able to move your arms too.  Why the hatred for the friendly sweater vest, whose only shortcoming is to obligingly try to keep the chill off of a frozen nerd?  This was one of the sillier peeves I have heard in a long time.  Especially considering that several of this girl's dinner companions belong on HCWD

I Would Say My Biggest Weakness is that I Am Too Much of a Perfectionist

Every once in a while I come across an article on How To Manage Millennials or Generation Y In the Work Place.

These are generally total dreck that appear to be written by someone in his 20s who has never held a job, managed a company, or performed a service for which he hopes someone will pay some money.

They are chock full of personality and behavior traits that are exceedingly stupid and meaningless.  Some gems: 

•  "Millennials are used to working in teams and want to make friends with people at work. Millennials work well with diverse coworkers." [Ed-This is in sharp contrast to other generations who were raised as hermits and who have never seen a person of another race.]
• "Computer experts, millennials are connected all over the world by email, instant messages, text messages, and the Internet." [In my experience, unless your business relies on an X Box or Wii, you are out of luck.  These people, while adept in the art of the text message, are unable to perform basic data manipulation or analysis and the Microsoft Office titles are a total mystery to them]
• "Millennials want to enjoy their work. They want to enjoy their workplace. They want to make friends in their workplace. Worry if your millennial employees aren’t laughing, going out with workplace friends for lunch, and helping plan the next company event or committee. Help your long-term employees make room for the millennials." [Translation - Don't expect much productivity from these guys]
• “Listen to the millennial employee. Your millennial employees are used to loving parents who have scheduled their lives around the activities and events of their children. These young adults have ideas and opinions, and don't take kindly to having their thoughts ignored. After all, they had the best listening, most child-centric audience in history.” [This is in contrast to previous generations who obey every command mindlessly and are incapable of putting into words their ideas or thoughts about a given matter. Or, put another way, these 20-something guys already figure that they know everything]
• “[They are] Achievement-oriented with greater emphasis on outcome and results rather than the process used; uninterested in putting in the years for a promotion; prefers hard work and merit to determine success.”  [Translation - these guys come in the door expecting to be the boss without any performance, track record, or skills to back it up. Wow, these are radical ideas that have never been tried before:  I have always preferred to ignore the outcomes of my efforts in order to adhere to some rigid checklist of tasks. What kind of dumb statement is this? ]

All these articles seem to stress how hard working, knowledgeable, eager, adaptive, and valuable are the people of this age group.  In my experience it is quite the opposite.  They are incapable of writing a coherent, grammatically correct sentence yet expect to be praised for their efforts as though they had just produced the Magna Carta.  They don't want to put in the hours, and deadlines are made to be missed, yet they expect to be on the fast track to the executive suite. 

Tip - Keep your expectations of them low and you won't be disappointed.  And stay off my lawn!

No Space

At the risk of insulting the parents of small children, I have to say I find it extremely annoying when in a small space, parents insist on using a damn stroller. While at the Empire State Building today, the walkway is MAYBE 5 feet wide and crammed with people and yet two different people were trying to push through with a stroller. Worse, they were holding their kids. Leave the stroller in the observation room.

It's a lie. Size really does matter.

Dear Douchey Colleague,

Thank you so much for clogging up my email by sending a 45MB file. Really, I have nothing better to do than watch my send/receive creep up 1KB at a time. My boobs will be sagging down to my knees by the time your email finally comes through.

Sincerely,

Juice

Where I Come From, It's Called "Doin' the Hibbity Dibbity"

The new people who just moved into the in-law behind our house already have three strikes against them:

1) The inability to close a door quietly, rather than slamming it;

2) A large dog they like to "walk" in the alley next to the trash cans and my compost bin;

3) The compulsion to do laundry at all hours. Their household consists of two adults and one toddler, as far as I can tell, yet they seem to do more laundry than the Duggars. (We know how much they wash and when because the shared laundry shed is built onto the back wall of our bedroom, and the spin cycle makes everything shake. Also, they leave hair in the washer gasket and never clean the dryer lint filter.)

Baby It's Cold Outside

Yesterday I was out jogging and I saw a few guys wearing wool caps.  I figured they were just hipsters.

Then I saw a girl wearing earmuffs.

I checked the temperature on the way home. 

62 degrees F.

Welcome Wagon

Today is the birthday of a close friend of mine who passed away in 2009.  He is really my first close friend who has died, and honestly, it is not easy. Every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, our little group of friends gather to raise a glass and remember him.  Some people were trying to organize a gathering for this year. I was asked to attend, but this also happens to be a night when my husband has an event he is was commited to be a volunteer, and I was not able to secure a sitter. A friend suggested a gathering at her house so that my two boys could come with me. That would have been awesome. A different friend, who does not have children, offered to have people at her house, which is great too.  (She has a really nice bar in her basement.)  She placed an announcement on Facebook announcing the details then added "...children in tow, if necessary".  Needless to say, I am not attending.  

Work Schmurk Jerk

Shortly before 11am, I emailed a coworker with some questions about a work document of his. There were some items that were completely incorrect: the cart was literally put before the horse, for example.

Said coworker has emailed me once and called me twice since then about my email, asking what document I was looking at, he doesn't see anything wrong, blah blah.

Yes, well, he updated his document 15 minutes after my email went out and is now playing dumb.

This is why I hate people. And I won't be returning his calls.

What I Learned from Reading Post Secret.com

Everyone is gay.

Everyone is on drugs.

Mature, Well-Reasoned Critique

Middle-aged guys on Razor scooters look STUPID!

I would have cut you

Dear Dipshit D-Bag Cashier,

While I appreciate the fact that I was able to check out quicker because the woman in front of me furiously ejected herself from your line, and moved to a different one... I really wish it would have been under different circumstances.

In the future, when the only two items a woman has to purchase in your checkout line is Chocolate Ice Cream and Tampons, DO NOT say, "Wow! Must be a bad day, huh?"

Sincerely,

Every woman on the whole entire planet

I don't feel tardy

Being late and not calling me is probably one of the worst things you can do to me. OK, that's obviously not true, but it's something so easily avoidable in this day and age that it's unacceptable.

Now, if you have a valid reason for being late like your car almost exploded on I-80 or your foot fell off on the way to the garage, that's fine.  But, you need to call, text or otherwise contact me as soon as you realize you are going to be more than 10 minutes late.

Also, I shouldn't have to call you to find out what happened.  Especially, if you live within 2 blocks walking distance of our meeting spot and it's a beautiful day out. I'm not your mother.  You are an adult. Figure it out. Millions of other people do it on a regular basis.

Just about everyone and their children has a cell phone strapped to their person 99% of the time. Be courteous and let me know you are going to flake or are running late because a rabid marmoset got into your house while you were leaving... So I don't look like an angry dumbass while waiting for you in public.

What's really sad? I've been stood up more by friends than dates.  In fact, I've never been stood up by a date. (Knocks on wood).  I could understand if a total stranger flaked on me.  There are tons of weirdos out there and I barely know the guys I find online.  But when a friend flakes, I begin to question my choices.  Am I that forgettable?  Am I a total bitch? 

Je Suis en Désaccord

She: What is on your head?

Me: It is my new beret. Favored headgear of artistic types and intellectuals. I think it looks rather jaunty.

S:No, it looks silly. You are neither artistic nor intellectual. I will not appear in public with you if you are wearing that thing.

Your phone priviliges have been revoked

I hate when our admin is gone.

Juice: Hello?

Stupid woman: Hi! I'm just returning a call from this number.

Juice: Oh, okay. Who called you?

Stupid woman: Um, I don't know. I just told you that I'm returning a call from this number.

Juice: I'm very sorry, but we have several people in our office and unless you know who it was who called you, I won't be able to help you.

Stupid woman: <loud sigh> Fine. They left a message, but I just didn't want to waste my time listening to it.

Juice: You stupid woman. Why the fuck are you wasting one iota of my time? Do you think I have all the time in the effing world to figure out who the hell called you? Wait, let me put you on hold for just a moment while I run around to all of my colleagues to see who it was who called you. Listen to your damn voice mail, you stupid cow.

Juice: <click> <lost connection> Oops. I think I hung up on you, ma'am.

Clogged Up

Two years ago, WalMart built a Super Center a couple miles from my house. I loved shopping there because the aisles were really wide; wide enough that even three old ladies congregating to talk about stool softeners and parking their carts sideways still left enough room to leisurely walk around them.

Now, every wide aisle is crammed with some pallets of sale crap right in the middle of it.  Hell, it's like there's a law against shopping without contact. Those three old ladies now bring the entire store to a standstill. You'd think their stool would have softened up by now.

Lip Service, Celebrity Style

Why does every "celebrity" (I use that term loosely) couple always say they'll remain friends when they are splitting up? Do they really expect a person with half a brain to believe that?

I'm sure there are the few that actually do, but I'm willing to bet most just like the sound of it.

Sitting Gym Rats

Every day I see the same people at the gym and naturally they have become excellent inspiration for peeves.

Like, the two skinny girls who sit on weight machines next to each other for 20 minutes and gossip but don't really lift and because they're cute nobody kicks them off. Bitches.

No Cuts

Dear Sneaky Bitch:

I've been standing in this horrifically long, slow coffee line playing with my phone but my peripheral vision works just fine. That's why I told you to go to the back of the line and rolled my eyes when you said that you had been there the whole time. You weren't so suck it up and wait like the rest of us.

Sincerely,

kayteadee 

 

 

Happy Halloween!

As I mentioned last year, Halloween in my neighborhood is a BIG deal.

Please do not ring my bell for candy if you are any of the below:

1. Not dressed up

2. Over the age of 15 and use your backpack as a candy bag.

I'd like my candy supply of 2000+ pieces to last more than two hours this year!!

 

Debbie Downer

I have a Facebook friend who likes to post about how hard she has it.  Her posts are always "woe is me" and really over the top with self pity. I can only tolerate this victim shit for so long. The worst part is, her so-called "tragic" life is not nearly as dramatically bad as she thinks it is.  I am close to de-friending her.  

Too Many Boys

I have to clean the house for my soon to be six year old's birthday party tomorrow. I just sent a friend home so I could get my two boys settled for the night. The oldest walked his friend home and came home with a different friend.  Now, boys are running and screaming and not making my cleaning chores any easier.  At least there is wine. 

The Mother F-ing Gloves Are Coming Off, Bitch!

Dear Colleague,

We are now on day numero dos of our little situation that almost caused me to drop kick you in the face yesterday. Does the fact that I actually have much more importante things I need to be working on simply not matter to you? I guess not. You have clogged my day up, once again, with your stupidity. It's like you just don't know when to stop eating candy, and you throw it up. Over and over and over and over again. Don't worry! Juice will clean your nasty rank smelling stupidity off of the floor, leaving me with the mess all over me. If this carries over through tomorrow, I will no longer handle you with the kid gloves I have been using. The gloves are coming OFF tomorrow. I'm sick of this shit.

Sincerely,

Juice

P.S.

You're still ugly. Actually, I would like to escalate that to "Fugly."

Why? Because I F-ing Said So.

Dear Colleague,

If you ask me a question about something that isn't working, and I respond to your question with examples that provide proof of why said "something" isn't working... Do you really think I want to hear:

1. That just doesn't make sense. I think "we" need to go back and ask the question in a different way.

2. Are you sure? How many times did you check?

3. Well, they need to change their system. I think "we" need to tell them how to change it.

4. Why?

5. Why?

6. Why?

No. I don't want to hear any of this shit. What I want you to do is turn around, get the hell out of my office, and never question my knowledge of this "something" again. Go F yourself.

Sin-fucking-cerely,

Juice.

P.S. You're Ugly

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Dear Webinar Instructor,

The reason why I am late on the "click the green check mark to show you understand" is NOT because I'm busy taking notes on what you're talking about during this ridiculous required continuing ed course. Really, there is absolutely no need to tell me that you're recording this session, so I can just "sit back and pay attention." I simply don't give a shit about what is coming out of your flapping jaw. I am currently writing about you on the Peevery. Suck it.

Sincerely,

Uninterested Juice

Noah must have let morons come onto the Ark.

Despite the fact that it's rained almost constantly for the past zazillion days in Maryland, I am surrounded by people totally inept about how to handle it. It's not hard to remember to leave some extra room between cars because the pavement is slippery. You will not melt if those drops from the sky touch your arm as you walk 10 feet to your car. Umbrellas take up space, so leave some extra room as you pass people on the sidewalk. Most importantly, get the heck out of my orbit if you cannot comprehend these basic facts!

Just Call Me Rube

I have a rotten habit of taking the most convoluted route to accomplish any task. It annoys the crap out of me, time and again.

I think it means I'm just not that bright after all.

Shouldn't They Have a Plan For This?

Two weeks ago I went to a food expo where I entered a drawing for a variety of baskets they had out. I did not need to be present to win. Trying to make arrangements with the woman from the event to get said basket from her is proving to be ridiculous. They can't possibly have thought that only people who lived within 4 miles of them would enter could they?