The Peevery

A New Crop of Peevers

Please welcome Meribon, Kayteadee, IrishChick, Juice, and MamaKaren to the web site. I haven't heard back from Bailey or Tara, so I can only assume they are no longer interested in posting on the site. If that is not the case, they are welcome to email me to let me know.

The full list of the Peevers

The Forgotten Peevery Auditions

So, the auditions were over with last week. Before I make my final decision, prospective Peevers should email me with their reasons for wanting to join (or to bow out gracefully for any reason of their choosing).

Congratulations! You are now on my shitlist.

I received this email from the receptionist yesterday.

Hey Unknown Peever,

Can you do me a favor? After your team has a lunch meeting can you just make sure the room is clean? They destroyed it today.

Thanks

Excuse me?! Just because my team left some paper plates on the table and you had to get up off your ass to throw them out does not constitute "destroyed." Anyway, it is YOUR job to clean up after a meeting, even if it means interrupting a phone call with your girlfriend or that good book you've been reading for the past week.

FYI, I know you watch The Bad Girls Club on YouTube and sneak out of the office early EVERY day, so don't eff with me.

I have a time management issue.

While I appreciate that the discharge coordinator at the hospital made an appointment with my daughter's outpatient provider to ensure continuity of care, I would have liked to have been informed. I called the provider to follow up on the next steps, only to have them tell me that the appointment (for tomorrow afternoon) was scheduled almost a week ago. Now I have to scramble for how to get my daughter back home in time for the appointment, since she is scheduled to spend the day with her grandparents and uncle, none of whom will be available to drive her back in time. I suppose I will have to burn half a day's leave so I can drive 90+ minutes to pick her up before backtracking another 45 minutes to the doctor's office.

Jailbreak!

I purchased a cute fall outfit this weekend from Banana Republic (including new heels), to jump start my fall wardrobe. Putting it on this morning, I was actually looking forward to going to work. That was, until, one of my (indoor) cats decided today was the day to attempt a jailbreak out the back door as I left. My immediate reaction was to lunge and attempt a quick pick up. My lunge turned into a slight leg split formation, ending in a complete face plant into the grass. While I did catch the sneaky little fugitive, I saved the best part for last. It was pouring rain outside. Needless to say, I'm back at square one with my Fall 2010 wardrobe.

Don't Let the Bedbugs Bite

Every day there's some news article highlighting bedbugs in New York. There have been thousands of infestation reports, including places such as the midtown movie theatre, Ambercrombie and Fitch, the Grand Hyatt, Elle Magazine headquarters, and even my friend's apartment! It's scary to think that nowhere in NYC is safe these days. Why did I choose to live in the dirtiest city in America?

By the way, if you ever visit NYC (aka the bedbug capital), please do not sit on the wooden benches in the subway stations. They've been tested positive for bedbugs as well.

Back to School with a Backhanded Compliment

Dear Colleague,

On the first day of school when you complimented me in a condescending way with "Wow, you look great; you kept the weight off all summer?" Are you really that shocked that I lost twenty pounds last Spring, and I actually lost a few more over the summer? Did I really look like an elephant before?

Your belittling tone sounds as if you expected me to gain the weight back? What did you think I would sit around on a chaise lounge eating cupcakes all summer? No compliment is better than a backhanded compliment, so suck it!

Yours Truly,

Irishchick

Is it opposite day?

Green means go, people. Green means GO! It's a very simple concept, really. There is no trickery involved. I promise.

iTunes has a new version. Again.

Being that it is, in fact, Thursday and not Friday (which I thought it was up until about 2 PM), I thought I'd come home, relax and pop on some iTunes while I make myself some dinner (and think about how shit canned I'll be in 24 hours). Sadly, I forget that iTunes ALWAYS has a new version to download. Seriously, iTunes! What is so fucking important that (what seems like) every other day you have a new version?! It takes roughly 20-30 minutes to complete your download. By that time, my meal is already digested and I'm almost ready for an after dinner dump.

It's Friday! Psych!

I seriously thought it was Friday today. I was making plans in my head for where I was going to go for my long overdue glass of after work wine. I was all warm and tingly inside, thinking about my long weekend. Suddenly, on the bottom right hand of my computer screen pops up a meeting request for Friday, September 3rd (at 4:30 PM). Needless to say, I am raging shit pissed.

Dear Restaurant on Seamless Web,

I ordered food from you because I was hungry and your estimated delivery time stated between 20 and 35 minutes. It has now been over an hour and I'm about to pass out.

Please get your ass in gear and bring me my beef bowl.

Yours truly,

Pregnant & Starving

This Blows

Do you know what adds an extra bit of spark to a post-midnight ride between the ER and the inpatient hospital? Having a tire blow out on the highway halfway there.

You're So Vain

In my personal opinion vanity plates are stupid, a waste of money, and sometimes quite ridiculous.  I have to admit, I imagine the person at the DMV telling the lady at the counter, "I want it to say BIGGR, or EMYWNR, MRBENZ," and I laugh knowing the lady is thinking, "another jackass." What I want to see is a clunker with a license plate that says, "PZOFSHT." (piece of shit), now that is truth in advertising.

Red Light, Green Light

I'm sure it doesn't matter if you press the pedestrian crosswalk button once, or 20 times (I opt for the 20). However, pressing it over and over seems to make me feel better. Yet, it never fails that the light doesn't turn until another person walks up behind me, presses it once, and ta-da it turns.

I'd Forget My Head....

When you forget to take your birth control pills and then you really fuck up taking them as you try to get back on track, buy lots of tampons.  You'll need them.  Believe me.  Maybe enough to last, oh, let's say, THREE FUCKING WEEKS!!!!!  I'll never do that again.

Silly Interns.

I'd like to thank both of my interns for conveniently calling in "sick" this afternoon when I had planned (for two months) for them to label and stuff 600 marketing pieces. Due to the time line, these must be done today. So, here I am, stuffing and labeling envelopes.

To my interns, I have four little words: End. Of. Semester. Review. (Let's not forget who has 85% say in your final grade. Dipshits.)

Crunchy, Salty, Sweet...Oh My!

Have you ever tried pretzel m&m's? If not, then I sugest you stay away. They are HIGHLY addictive. I just ate two bags in under three minutes, and see this as a new habit in the making.

How Old Are You?

There are certain things we grow out of at different ages, apparently Hello Kitty isn't one of them for some adults.  Yes, Hello Kitty and her friends are cute, but do grown women need to carry purses, wear sunglasses and jewelry with Hello Kitty on them?  The kicker, Hello Kitty condoms and vibrators. Seriously?

What was I thinking?

I like to hear a good song as I make my last few miles into work. It seems to start my day off on the right foot. However, as I pull into my parking spot this morning, I realize I've been in a daze and listening to 'Kokomo' by The Beach Boys. WTF?! For the rest of the day, all I'll hear in my mind is, "...Aruba, Jamaica, ooooo I wanna take ya....Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama..." I have XM for goodness sakes! I had a million and one songs to listen to, and this is what I came up with?

(My apologies to those who enjoy this song. It's just really not my style)

Express Drive Thru Lane Is a Crock

Don't you just love it when you are in the express drive-thru lane at your favorite donut shop and some ignorant S.O.B. gives the person behind the speaker a huge-ass order. This same S.O.B. didn't see the huge sign that states "Limit Three Items, All Others Please Come Inside."

Seriously? Like I have all damn day to wait for you to place your order of carb-loaded bagels, breakfast sandwiches, extra cream in your coffee, and a dozen fat pills (donuts). Ugh!

Please Stop Speaking to Me

If I finish answering your question, turn my back on you and enter a stall, that is your cue that the conversation is over. If I loudly rustle the seat cover and start peeing without regarding to the sound it creates, that should serve as further clue. I'm dealing with something a bit more urgent than small talk about my weekend.

On the Way Home from OBX

I don't care if you drive under the speed limit, but don't do it in the left lane. If you do, I am forced to ride on your bumper and scream profanities.

I'm not your typical leadfoot jerk, but after being on the road for eight hours I just want to get my tired ass home.

Parking Etiquette. Learn It.

Dear Colleague,

I'd like to thank you for parking so close to my car that I was actually forced to enter on the passenger side. I understand that my large SUV takes up the majority of the parking spot, but I am always extremely careful not to overstep the boundaries of my spot. What's worse, is that you have a teeny tiny car that easily fits directly in the middle of the spot, yet you insisted on parking as far right as possible. Happy Freaking Monday!

Yours truly,

Juice

P.S. In case you're wondering, I have absolutely no clue who dumped their entire blueberry yogurt smoothie all over the windshield of your car.

Suck it, Unidentified Coworker.

Somehow, I keep finding unflushed toilets in my office building. Even more puzzlingly, they always have poop in them, and never pee. The shitbandit deems feces a-ok, but it would just be gross to leave pee in the toilet.

WTF?

Weekend? What weekend?

Dearest Boss,

I understand that you don't have a life, and probably sit at home all weekend and work. I, however, tend to exploit my weekend as much as possible (rarely am I seen sans a glass of wine). So, when you come into my office with a huge file and say, "Please read this over, and be ready to discuss at 8:00 AM on Monday." Naturally, I smile and thank you. On the inside I am visualizing ripping your shitty face off. As for my weekend, TGI Fucked.

The lube was clearly visible, too.

Instead of being mortified that my landlady saw my vibrator on my coffee table yesterday, I'm just trying to imagine her facial expression and wondering whether she'll call 24 hours in advance next time.

One Foot, Two Foot...

Red foot, (Navy) Blue foot. Somehow, my dumbass ended up putting a red shoe on my left foot, and a navy shoe on the right. Of course, I don't notice this until I'm already at work. Typical. Freaking typical!

A Note to Auditioning Peevers

For titles, use Title Case or complete sentences. Review the rules for title case. (Irishchick)

Do not copy and paste your post from Word or any similar program. If you must compose in Word or a similar program, copy your post into Notepad or Wordpad first to remove the formating, or copy it into the HTML tab of the post field instead of the Rich Text tab. (KnoxLauren)

Do not choose a font for your post. If you have chosen a font, edit your post to remove it by clicking on the HTML tab and removing all the font tags. (Juice)

Please review the rules for the proper format of written times. (Tara and Putnawa, who is not auditioning)

If you find any mistakes in your post after it is published, go back and fix them. (Every single one of you)

Our Little Secret

Typically, I keep my office door open. That is, unless I have a meeting, conference call, horrible gas, etc. I decided to close my door this morning due to the need to relieve myself of the horrible gas pains I was having. Moments after my most recent release, the door flys open and there stands a new employee. We both knew he smelled it (his cough made it obvious), and struggled through an awkward conversation. As he stood up to leave he said, "I'll just go ahead and shut your door. And, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. It happens to all of us!" If anyone needs me, I'll be under my desk. Mortified.

Check Please!

I was all excited to go to the newest Sushi restaurant last night. I walked in, and immediately walked back out to see if I was in the right place. Apparently, the dress code is rave attire, and not so much little black dress. More curious was the Top 40 pop music remixed into techno. However, the straw that broke the camel’s back was the wait staff wearing replica TGI Friday uniforms…with flair. Fearing a painful midnight bathroom visit, I opted out of the Sushi, and stuck to the booze.

 

Where's The Ladies Room?

I get annoyed when someone asks me what time it is and they point to their wrist.
 
If I ask you where the ladies room is I don’t point to my hoo-hoo, or hold my crotch!

Peeve Wrapped in a Cheer

My organization did an audit of our short-term disability plan, and made some very positive changes (including signficantly improved payouts and direct deposits). Yeah! Too bad they did this after I stopped having a signficant chance of using the plan, what with maternity leave being the only time I ever needed to go on short-term disability. Where was this great plan seven years ago, when the insurance company decided that I wouldn't get paid for those last two weeks that my doctor said I needed for recovery?

It's a .... GIRL!!

Just because my daughter has short hair does not make her a him.

You'd think the pink outfits and pierced ears would tip people off, but as we all know some people are completely clueless.

While You Were Sleeping

For the past few nights, I have woken up to my (recently live-in) boyfriend furiously running while sleeping in bed (visualize a dog having a dream about running). Resulting in me moving to my extra bedroom for half the night. Each morning he wakes up all bright-eyed and bushy tailed, wondering what I’m so pissy about? Well, for one thing, he never did this before he moved in. And secondly, this is MY house. My name is on the deed. Why the hell should I be the one sleeping in the extra bedroom! I’m beginning to re-think this whole living situation.

CYA- School Nurse's Edition

My daughter starts back to school tomorrow, so I took today off to wrap up a few last minutes planning items. One of those tasks includes me delivering a form signed by the pediatrician to allow the health room staff to administer specific over the counter medications to my child. Apparently my parental judgement is not sufficient enough to allow my 12-year old daughter to get some ibuprofen if she has a headache or cramps, or to get some lactase enzyme (provided by me, since it's not a med the nurse keeps in stock) before the class has an ice-cream party.

Say my name, say my name

If you've never met me and are composing an email message asking me to do something for you, please consider a salutation more refined than "Hey."

One at at time, please

Why does everyone like double sinks in the master bathroom? I don't.  I don't want to see my husband brushing his teeth or tweezing his nose hair.  I don't want to see his facial hair floating in nasty sink water while he's shaving. Bathroom time should be private time.  If my next house doesn't have his and her bathrooms, then I want one tiny bathroom with one sink so we are forced to conduct our bathroom routines separately.

Auditions Round 2

Congratulations to those who made it on to Round 2. For this round, you are free to post to the site without intervention from me. There is no minimum or maximum number of posts required. This round lasts for two weeks, starting today. By now, you should have received an email invitation to join the blog. If not, please let me know.

Good luck.

Audition Update

I've let two people know already if they are advancing to the final round of auditions. I was planning to let the rest of you know today, but it might end up being tomorrow. I have some unexpected work to do today.

Nosey, Nosey People

This is a picture of my four-year-old son, and myself. I realize that we have extremely opposite features, but he is mine. Flesh and blood, DNA, you name it. Nine months in the womb and every minute since delivery. Yet it astounds me the number of people, strangers, who openly ask, "Is he yours?" without even knowing us. I've become semi-immune to the question, knowing the next question will be, "Where did the blonde hair come from?". Do they think I'm going to openly say, "I got around back in the day, and he's my illegitame child?" Or I'm going to divulge my fertility past and any assistance I required in getting pregnant? No. My answer is always the same -- from the grandparents. His father is my husband and our parents carry these traits. Think ninth grade biology, punit square? Ya, they still walk away looking lost and confused.

Audition post #6 by Jamie

Nine Lives and a Sixth Sense?

Cats love me!  Do felines have a sixth sense or something?  I swear they know that I am not a fan, and it makes them want to rub up against me, head butt me, roll over on their back for a scritch, and purr like crazy.

The other day I was vacuuming a swimming pool when the homeowner’s two cats were all over me, rubbing around my legs, and marking their territory near my kankles.  They would not leave me alone, and I certainly did not have time for this nonsense!  At one point a cat was under my leg; I didn’t see him/her, I took a step, lost my balance, which resulted in an awkward ungraceful crash into the pool stairwell.  Yes, I felt like clumsy Jerry from an episode of Big Brother 10.  I bruised a shin, banged up my tailbone, and got drenched.

Payback’s a bitch when a cat has the sixth sense.
 
Audition post #6 from irishchick

Baby Etiquette

If I come to your place of business, let's say a restaraunt and you are my server, it is not ok for you to touch my child. Ever.
 
I understand babies are exciting, cute, and tempting to look at, talk to, and hold, but that blanket strategically placed over the carrier? Ya, not there for you to remove. It is a sublimnal message of, "Back up bitch."
 
If my child has a binky or toy, do not touch it, or take it away. Exactly who are you? It's not cute. They don't understand. And you've handled food, money, and other peoples dishes all day. Are you a moron?
 
The appropriate interaction time with a child, especially a nonverbal baby, is less than two minutes. Do not pull up a chair, attempt to talk to them, or ask them what they want to eat, knowing full well they cannot respond. Do your business, and be gone.

And lastly, never, ever try to hold my child's hand and walk them or carry them around the restaraunt. Especially when you ask THEM if they want to go with you, rather than checking with the me. That's weird, you're weird, and your tip is diminishing. Quickly.

Audition post #6 by Jamie

Don't mess with the swagon wagon

Dear driver in the small white Honda civic,

In case you were unaware, the minivan was not designed for speed or agility. It is a family car. Meaning there are children in the back (in case the Diego DVD playing didn't clue you in). The left lane in traffic is for people (assholes) like yourself, to drive in, to pass us slower moving cars. Likewise, the frequent tapping of my brake was NOT me jamming out to the base in your car, rather my polite way of signaling to you to back off. Because you missed this clue, and continued to ride the ass of my vehicle until we coincidentally ended up at the same location, I take no fault for the scene-causing yelling I did at you in the parking lot, and the entire way into the gym facility.

Sincerely yours,

The lady who chewed you out at the gym

Audition post #4 by Jamie

You are a Greedy, Greedy, Money Whore

My supervisor keeps telling me we’re almost done with our "busy period." He tells me that "things are going to get MUCH better after September 1st!"

“HANG IN THERE!” he says.

Bullshit. How does he not realize he’s been on a sales rampage insane enough to ensure we will NEVER HAVE A SLOW PERIOD EVER AGAIN?!

I’m an inch away from clubbing him with a stapler.

Audition post #6 by Tara

Childhood Game?

I liked Foursquare so much better when it was a game played with a rubber ball.  I'm tired of logging onto Facebook and seeing "Joe checked in at Chuck E. Cheese."  I really could give two shits about where "Joe" is, or what badge he's earned, or if he's now the "Mayor" of Pistol Pete's Saloon.  Since I don't use Foursquare, I'm going to start randomly posting things like this on Facebook:
   
              "Bailey checked in at the Target restroom and is now taking a dump."
              "Bailey earned the Huge Bitch Badge."

              "Bailey became the Mayor of I don't give a shit where you're at."

Audition post #6 by Bailey

If You Must Have a Dose of Retail Therapy

I work in retail. I could end this post at that. If you've never worked in retail, consider yourself lucky. I have to put up with bitches everyday that walk up to the register on their phones, snap, wave, or yell across the store to get my attention, want to haggle over a price, want to know why "this" isn't on sale, or are just plain bitches. One day I will snap and tell someone to fuck off and that I don't make the prices, or the policies, or the fact that they are a rude bitch and can't get of the phone.

Audition post #5 by Bailey

Here’s hoping ‘weekends’ don’t go the way of the ‘lunch break.’

I’m trying to remember the point in my career when Friday stopped meaning two days off and started meaning I get to decide what time to come and go for the next two days.

Audition post #5 by Tara

Can I get some knee pads? Stat?

So, I have child gates at ever intersection of my house. Seriously, doorways, hallways, tops and bottoms of stairs -- you name it. Well, someone, whose name shall go unsaid (ahem) happened to have one too many drinky-drinks from the trusty ole "box-o-wine", and now their (my) knees look like a four-year-old child's on the first day of summer with a brand new two-wheel bike. Ouch.

This is audition post #3 from Jamie

It's a dog-eat-dog world

I'm proud of my puppy for standing at the door to be let out when she needs to poop. I'm not proud of my puppy for being lazy and pooping on the deck rather then in the grass.

I'm proud of my puppy for being pro-active and cleaning up her "mess". I'm not proud of my puppy's means of cleaning up her mess, which is eating it.

I'm proud of my  puppy for licking my annoying neighbors face who helps herself into our (gated) backyard whenever she wants to without asking.  Good puppy.

This is audition post #2 by Jamie

Lesson #1 at Cashier School

Dear Cashiers:

When handing back change, please hand the coins back first and THEN the bills. I'm sick and tired of having the coins slide off the bills. It stresses me out.

Thank you.

Audition peeve #6 by KnoxLauren