The Peevery

Juice's Cork Gets Popped!

Happy New Year, everyone! Okay, okay, okay... I don't really have a peeve today. I just wanted to show that Juice has a "sparkly" side. Yep, it's a new thing. I actually decided to go outside my box, and wear a little sequin number for New Years Eve. Never did I think I had it in me, but I do. I really do! And just to make this even more annoying of a post to some people... The guy next to me just makes me look and feel that much better. Yep, I said that. Feel free to vomit, if you must. 

Can you hear me now?

Through out the past couple of months I have been taking note of things people say out loud. Especially things I'm guessing they think nobody else can hear? These are things I've heard at work, the gas station, grocery store, Target, etc. I have decided that today is the day that I will educate the masses on what I have heard. It's a good thing too, because I've been overflowing with excitement to get these out, as I have been hiding them in my little brain for quite some time. 

Woman yelling on the phone at Target: "Stop licking your sister there!"

Overheard at the gas station: "My bag ain't ghetto. Ghetto is a noun, not adjective. My bag is from the ghetto, fool."

Passing by two college age guys: "Dude, would you rather be burned alive, or forced to eat human crap?" (I'm guessing someone just play the game 'Would You Rather'?)

Two college-age girls in the feminine product aisle at the grocery store: "I really don't want to have sex with him anymore. Should I just, like, tell him I have "herps" or something?"

Mom to (soon to be fat) kid at mall: "Just eat another taco. We'll look for a McDonalds for you as soon as we leave."

Overheard man on cell at Walgreens: "Just had my vasectomy reversed. Shit, the things we do for love, right?"

Two young college-age looking guys: Guy #1: "Give it back to me, or I'll cut you motherf*cker. Guy #2: "Cut me? I'll kill you, bitch. I'm motherf*cking dolomite, yo."

I have a few more, but I'll save those for a rainy day. Happy Thursday, everyone. You're welcome.

Marco? Polo!

Looking for my self-confidence, has anyone seen it? Oh, wait... I have to find it myself, don't I?

Second-Hand Peeve, misplaced variety

I went out to dinner and the next table over was about a dozen people on happy hour.  Judging by their appearance and conversation, I'd say they were first year staffers at a Big 4 consultancy.

One of the especially loud girls said she was at work that day and had been remarking to the whole room how much she hated sweater vests, only to find her manager wearing one, and much embarrassment ensued.  Apparently this article of clothing is sufficiently loathsome that she continued her rant at the happy hour.

I am not a huge fan of the sweater vest, but I have a couple in my closet.  They are fine if you want to wear a jacket, and want to be able to move your arms too.  Why the hatred for the friendly sweater vest, whose only shortcoming is to obligingly try to keep the chill off of a frozen nerd?  This was one of the sillier peeves I have heard in a long time.  Especially considering that several of this girl's dinner companions belong on HCWD

I do believe this is worse than 'Curl Up & Dye'

It's Monday, and I have had a few moments where I have wanted to drop kick someone in the neck. However, I'm guessing I'm having a better day than 99% of the people who voluntarily entered this establishment...

Happy Birthday!

To our fearless leader, Peeved Michelle!  Have some fun today!

Game Over. Before it even starts.

Two more words that can suck it: Dry. July.

After much thought, consideration, soul-searching, and tallying up the number of social events on my calendar, I just don't think it's possible. Maybe something will change in me by next Friday? Yeah, no, who am I kidding? Maybe next year...

We Win!

We found a wonderful rental owned by a nice responsible person. It's an entire house, with twice the room as our present nightmare shack. It's also less than a mile away, so packing and moving will be relatively easy, and it's on the same transit line I now take to work. Functioning and attractive appliances! A front yard I can landscape myself! We're moving in gradually over this month, shuttling back and forth. By March 31, we'll be free.

Suck it, former landlady, evil realtors, and clueless new owners - we're movin' on up.

Time Marches Too Darned Fast

How did we go from this

 
to this

 
in the blink of an eye? Happy 10th birthday, Hoss.

 

A Peeving Silence?

I haven't heard a peep from my in-laws since the end of December and they live five minutes away. It's been eerily quiet. I'm not sure whether to peeve about this or not.

Oh, no she didn't? Yep, she sure did.

I can't believe this happened today. Never, in a million years, did I think it would happen. It's one of those things you don't want to happen, but kind of do. Just because you never think it will. In my 6:00am yoga class, about half way through, the woman in front of me ripped ass. Not a little squeak, not a "silent but deadly." An actual take no prisoners, no holds bar ass rip. I desperately tried to keep it together. I couldn't. Once I got the giggles, I couldn't stop. I got "the look" from my instructor, and had to leave early.

Spirit of the Season

Every  year my department adopts a few soldiers for the holidays instead of exchanging gifts among ourselves. We just got a letter from one of our soldiers talking about how much he and his guys liked all of the goodies and he included a picture and a bit of information about himself. We don't usually know anything about the soldiers we are assigned, so it's nice to be able to put a face and some background with the name. What we send is pretty generic stuff, (lots of drink mixes and magazines and snacks and stuff) since we don't know the soliders, but we are able to pack a lot into the boxes and it makes me feel better to know that the things are going to good use.

I was having one of my annual stress attacks about how much I have to get done before the week is out, and how perfect I want everything to be because of all of the crap we've faced all year, what with the hospitalizations and the school changes and the work stuff. This just made me stop and put it all back into perspective.

Tis the season!

I got home from work yesterday, only to find that my Christmas tree had been knocked down. The strands of lights had been pulled from the study, all the way to the living room. Various ornaments were found in the kitchen, bedroom, closet, litter box #1, and my personal favorite...the toilet (Yes, I forgot to put the lid down). Accompanying the ornament placement design work were several "branches" from the faux tree itself. I had two possible suspects, my cats. Maggie was quickely ruled out, as she has never done something like this. Rook, well, first of all she's the butch of the two. And secondly, she was sleeping with an ornament around her neck, and glitter all over her fur.

The tree has since been dismantled and packed away for the season. Way to go Rook, you ruined it for everyone!

PETA would not be proud

As I am gathering my belongings from the security x-ray belt at the airport, I hear a very stern voice from the x-ray man. I hear, "Miss, you should never put your dog through the x-ray machine." This was followed by excruciating screams and tears from the owner of the yippy dog. After she was finished crying, I heard her yell, "If my dog turns green or grows extra limbs or his eyes pop out, I'm going to have your ass!" I am a total animal lover, and felt horrible for the dog, but I almost shit my pants from laughing so hard.

This Is Not a Halloween Peeve

Last night my husband and I participated in a parental right of passage: Stealing the kids' Halloween candy after they go to bed.

But, It was worth the wait...

There is a 'Retirement Community for Active Seniors' near my voting location. So, I had this great idea to go vote mid-afternoon with the hopes that the oldies had voted in the morning, or would be cat-napping before the Early Bird Specials. The parking lot of my voting location looked pretty quiet so I thought in and out no problem! What I failed to see were the two buses parked in the back of the lot. I walked into a zoo of silverbacks (oldies), hustling and bustling, talking and laughing like teenagers with reckless abandon ready to take on the world! Don't get me wrong, I love older people. However, waiting in line for approximately 80+ people to vote, many of whom needed help reading the names because "it's just so dark in here!", was a real lesson in patience. But, I made it through and exercised my priviledge to vote!

The Miracles of Modern Therapy

After almost a month in various outpatient programs and medication adjustments, my 7th grade daughter returned to school last week on a partial basis. She seems to have had no signficant issues adjusting back to the school routine, and will increase her time in class this week. If all goes well, she will return to school full time on November 3.

My 4th grade son decided that he was willing to learn to play the trumpet (his dad's instrument) after the band recruitment period had passed. We signed him up for the in-school program and my husband did some lessons at home to catch him up. Apparently Hoss had not been willing to go to the lessons or rehearsals, though, and told the school staff that his dad was making him do it. Today he went to the beginner trumpet lesson, participated fully (even though he was given the option to only observe if he felt uncomfortable taking part) and informed the teacher that he was having fun and was glad he'd joined.

It's just nice to know that some the work we're doing to socialize and monitor our bipolar children is finally paying off.

Wanted: New Brain

I ran into a street lamp post today. I wasn't texing, talking on the phone, conversating with a person walking with me, or even looking down. I even remember looking at the pole while I walked towards it. What the shit is wrong with me? Now, I have a cut lip and large goose egg on my forehead (not to mention my favorite black Chanel sunglasses are now jacked up). I don't even have a cool story to go along with it. No secret fight club, no bar brawl, no nothing! Just me. Walking into a pole. Way to go Juice, way to effing go!

I Got My Visa!

There's a link in the notification email to a survey on dealing with the UK Visa process.  I plan to give them a piece of my mind, now that I know I HAVE MY VISA!

Gone Too Soon

On Thursday, a dear friend of mine was taken away from many people. On Monday, 300+ mourned our loss, yet celebrated his birthday. There were tears. There was laughter. There were tears from laughter. Either way, a healthy 30-yr old man should not be dying from a heart attack. FU HEART ATTACK.

Who Said Computer Geeks Aren't Cute?

I was furious when I found out my computer problem came down to calling Microsoft. Not only do I hate calling customer service, but knowing that I could be on this call for hours really chapped my ass. When I was finally transferred to the right person, I was in a horrible mood, and rather rude. However, Amrik was very polite to me, even when he knew I was too dumb, and therefore had to "take control over my computer." After several minutes of awkward silence, we began to talk about where we were calling from. He is from India. Being that he had I had to share my computer with him, he had to send me an email confirming. This email included Amrik's last name. So naturally, I attempt to look him up on Facebook. I almost fell out of my effing chair - he is probably one of the most attractive men I have ever seen. His profile is public, so I got to see everything. Shit, my frown turned upside down quickly. Sadly, flirting on the phone with a tech from India isn't very glamorous. So, I'm thinking about stalking friending him on FB. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be my 'Eat Pray Love' adventure someday.

Love Your Boobies

My parents have never come to understand that I work during the day. Therefore, I finally gave in and began answering their calls after their excessive use of re-dial. Since I'm at work, I attempt to multi-task during conversations, resulting in me using speakerphone. Nothing too extreme has come out of their mouths. That is, until today. I was talking to my mom on speakerphone this morning while my boss was signing a few documents on my desk. All of a sudden, my mom says, "Well I have to go now, I'm off to get my mamms grammed! Get it? Mamms grammed....Mammogram?!" Luckily, my boss and I have experienced awkward moments before. While I am so proud that my mom is religious about getting her "mamms grammed," I will no longer be using speakerphone. 

To my mom:  
I know you'll be reading this today. I love you very much and am so proud to say that you're a breast cancer survivor! 

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Peeved Michelle!

A Drought of Peeves

What's wrong with me? I haven't had a thing to peeve about in days. Is it possible to be peevish about not having any peeves to share? 

The lube was clearly visible, too.

Instead of being mortified that my landlady saw my vibrator on my coffee table yesterday, I'm just trying to imagine her facial expression and wondering whether she'll call 24 hours in advance next time.

FML: Updated FTW!

I ordered business cards for BlogHer since Peeved Michelle told me to, and I follow most of her orders. I used Zazzle.com since she passed along a discount code for them.

The first order was reportedly delivered on 7.19 to my front door. Except I don't live in imaginary land and never received them.

I emailed Zazzle.com and got a personal response back offering helpful tips on how to track my package down. One of their tips was to talk to my UPS driver. I didn't know how to do that so I filed a claim with UPS.com.

I got a call from UPS. The woman was super nice and told me they'd follow-up with Zazzle.com and help me out. Zazzle.com asked if I wanted a reprint or refund. I chose reprint and specified that was only if I could get the reprints on or before TODAY, as I leave for BlogHer tomorrow.

UPS then left a hanger on my front door, asking for some info and stating they would come back the next day to pick up the hanger. They never came back for it.

A new person from UPS called me. I told them all of the above. They told me nothing useful and weren't aware that I had already received a call, or that the door-hanger had been left, or that any of this was happening.

And as of this morning, I have not yet received my reprint.

I'm still hopeful that Zazzle.com and UPS will get it together and I'll find pretty shiny business cards waiting for me when I get home...but I may bring a stack of post-its with just in case.

Update: Both Zazzle.com and UPS came through. My cards were delivered about 30 min ago - and they frigging rock. Yay for peeves with happy endings!

I Definitely Married the Right Man

Tiny Husband and I were watching TV when a commercial promoting some Tru-TV detective or forensics or serial-killer documentary show came on.  At the line "discovery of an eyeless corpse," Tiny Husband and I simultaneously and independently chirped, "Yay!"  It's good that we're together, keeping each other off the streets.

Red and Jen say Suck It

So go ahead and Suck It.
 

Too bad. Not really.

The fact that I forgot that my husband and I had an important meeting today and I couldn't score a last-minute babysitter to watch the boy was kind of a bummer.

But it was kind of awesome that I got to skip our appointment and stay home and play the Wii and not have to talk about my feelings.

The Peevery + 8

The new masthead looks very Ed Hardy. Will Jon be the next guest Peever? Rumor is he's hard up for money.

The Peever Principles?

Nearly all Peeves fit one or more of the following categories:

1)  The Peever gives an example of why other people suck;
2)  The Peever illustrates why he/she is a clueless dork;
3)  The Peever is annoyed/confused/made stabby over an object, a rule or regulation, or a force of nature.

"Listen, bitch!"

I don't have anything interesting happening to me this week so I'm going to let this guy speak for me. Video peeves = brilliant.

You Know Me

Dear Readers of the Peevery,

I love you. I'm not just saying that because I'm drunk and I want to make out with you. I'm saying it because I want a favor from you.

I will be speaking on a panel about running a group blog at BlogHer '10 in New York City in August. I need to submit a speaker bio on the BlogHer site and I really don't want to write about myself. (Shocking, I know) so, I am asking each of you to write one sentence about me and I will put them altogether and submit them as my bio. Here is what my Twitter followers have given me so far:

Surely you can top that.

-PM

BlogHer '10 Planning

It's never too early to start planning. That is my motto. Not really, but I do think that occasionally, when I feel like it.

BlogHer '10 is in New York City, August 6-7.

Who is Going

Last year, Joanne, Jen14221, Blaugra and I all attended the conference. Kate the Peon met up with us while we there since she lived close by. We had a blast. It was great to see Katey and Joanne again, and to meet Jen and Laura for the first time.

This year, I know that Joanne, Jen14221, Blaugra and I are planning to go for sure. I think Red said he might go. Peevery readers, Leah (Daily Piglet) and Tammie are also planning to go. Is anyone else planning to go?

Peevery Tees

I am going to do awesome Peevery t-shirts this year. They will be embroidered or screenprinted depending on who will charge me less, my MIL or my friend from high school. If you are going and if you want to have a Peevery t-shirt, I will be asking you to send me your own black t-shirt and I will take care of the rest. This applies to Peevers and Peevery readers, as well.

Tickets

Early bird pricing ends this month, so if you are planning on going, you'll want to buy your ticket now. Last year, there were lots of people who wanted to buy tickets after they were sold out so, if you are thinking you might want to go, you might want to buy your ticket now and sell it later if you change your mind. BlogHer even facilitates the re-sale.

"Reply to all" FAIL

Here is a non-peeve from a teacher friend who shall remain anonymous. Hilarity!

I freaking love our work email. Check out this morning's back and forth.
 
1. This lady at my school site, (we’ll call her Barbara) sends an ALL DISTRICT (not just all staff, but all district) email about some Google number you can call for free. Here is the email:
 
“This is an awesome new service from Google, and it's free - great when you're driving on the road with no pen, pencil or paper handy. Don't waste your money on information calls and don't waste your time manually dialing the number. Here's how it works:

 

I am driving along in my car and I need to call the golf course and I don't know the number.

So I hit my speed dial for Google info (You have to add it to your list.)                                                                 
The voice at the other end says, "City & State." I say, "Garland, Texas."

He says, "Business, Name or Type of Service." I say, "Garland Golf Course."

He says, "Connecting" and Garland Golf Course answers the phone.  
                                                                            
How great is that? This is nationwide and it is absolutely free!”                      

 

2. The next email comes from a teacher at my school (responding all):

“What is your handicap? Or are you asking them if they found the driver that you threw into the water hole?”

 

3. The next email comes from a computer lab tech at a different school (still responding all):

“Are you advocating driving while talking on a cell phone in Texas?”

 

4. The next email comes from a kindergarten teacher at an elementary school:

“Barbara is being helpful.  Some cars, like mine, are Bluetooth enabled, so this is a great tip for me.  Thanks, Barbara!”

 

5. The next email comes from the fiscal dept at the DO:

“This is information for responsible adults.  Thanks for your help Barbara!” 

 

6. The last email comes from one of the custodians at the DO:

“Please do not send me any of this stuff.”

 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO rad!

 

 

My friends really get me.

My friend and former Peever, David, posted a link to this on Twitter for me. There has never been a more accurate depiction of my personality and my ideal world. For god's sake, she even has the same hair I do.

You can find this comic and 1,500 others by Natalie Dee at www.nataliedee.com. This one is titled, "MW i don't care what you eat tell me about it again I will eat YOU." Am I in love with Natalie Dee? I think I might be.

Really?

Someone told me that today is the busiest day in the U.S.

I must be a total loser because I'm not really busy. Then again, I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year, I'm not traveling any distance, I don't have kids, I don't have school, I don't have much shopping to do, I probably won't go out for Thanksdrinking Eve, and work lets out early (at least I have a job and for that I am thankful!)

WOW. I really AM a total loser!

Bumpin'

At the suggestion of a friend who is addicted to As Seen On TV products, I bought the incredible Bumpits.

If you don't know what Bumpits are, watch the quick video on the site, it's HILARIOUS.

Incredibly, these things really work. I'm not even getting paid to say so. My hair is not too big because a giant bouffant on my head is not appropriate for work as I am not a 1971 rockin' diner waitress or Amy Winehouse or a go-go dancer. But if I wanted to...

My issue is this:  I just discovered my Bumpit is crooked. I have a lopsided hair bump.  I don't have my teasing comb and extra-strength hairspray to fix it, though. So much for looking fabulous.

New Tights!

I am happy to report that I bought a few new pairs of tights (at WalMart, no less) this past weekend, and they are significantly less douchey than my old tights.

You Might See Me on the Dr. Phil Show on Wednesday

Awhile back, I was in the studio audience on the Dr. Phil Show. It is about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms. One stay-at-home mom said that if you can't stay home with your kids, you shouldn't have them.

If you watch Wednesday's show, you may see me in the audience. I sat in "the pit" in the Working Moms section. I was in the second to last row in that section, wearing a green shirt, sitting next to my sister who was wearing a brown shirt and tweed jacket. We both have wavy hair; mine is dark brown and hers is light brown.

Watch for me. I will post more about the show on my opinions blog tomorrow night.

Plug It Up

This is a shameless plug for my other blog, Opinions for Nothing, where I post mostly reviews and advice and other unsolicited opinions. I unintentionally took a maternity leave from that blog. To get it going again, I am posting something new every day in October. Today's post is about a project I have been working on for two years at my real job. My project finally went live today.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to you, Michelle!  I hope it is a great day!

In case you were wondering...

Here's what the new baby looks like.

Shopping Queen

This weekend, once we got Kenna moved out of the nursery and into her new room, I went shopping with my mom to get the rest of the baby supplies I want to have on hand before the baby arrives (in 23 days!).

Here is a rundown of my shopping success:

$50 saved with coupons
$180 worth of gift cards
$140 spent out of pocket

I was giddy when looking at those totals. So nerdy. I won't be quite so giddy when I go shopping next weekend and spend about $750 out of pocket for a new glider, ottoman, and crib mattress, even with the $120 I will save using even more coupons.

Cobra Yawn!

Urban Dictionary sent this as their word of the day. 

"The involuntary spraying of saliva while yawning. Much like the venom spray from a cobra. In most cases the yawner doesn't realize it has happened only finding the aftermath once the yawn is over."

 

"I just cobra yawned all over my keyboard five minutes prior to writing this definition."

You know you do this, too!  Or, you should know.

I've always wondered how we lose control of jets of saliva.  I have been laughing my ass off all morning about this.

Resume Dirty Talk

Hey look!  It started working!

Sweet Relief

Have you ever accidentally broken a dish and for half a second you're pissed off because now you have to clean up the mess and take care that you don't jam a piece of glass into your toe and then you're secretly glad because it's an ugly serving dish you got as a gift and it never fit in your cabinets anyway? 

Friday morning thoughts

• I'd go for a jog, but my boobs are too big
• My husband is a real douchebag
• If that cat pukes on the sofa one more time, it's curtains for him
• Can I skip taking a shower today?
• There is not enough money in our account to fix everthing that needs fixing on this built-in-1932 house
• If it snows this weekend, I will cry
• If this kid does not eat his breakfast, it's curtains for him
• Matt Lauer is kind of hot

Peeve Void Today!

I guess I'll look forward to all the post-St.-Patty's-party peeves about jackholes and green beer.

Help Me Decide

I can't decide if I dig this guy or detest him.  He's a hot mess.  First he annoyed the shit out of me, then I found him to be kind of charming, but now he's popping up everywhere and it's overkill.  Or maybe it's just that squirrels are nesting on his head.