The Peevery

The Family that Stews Together

I was at a Super Bowl party and a co-worker informed me that both he and his wife were bent out of shape because I did not greet his wife with a hug at the company Christmas party.  Several thoughts sprang to mind but the only one I managed to put into words is that's a long time to nurture such a perceived slight.  In addition, I am a man. I don't go around hugging people willy nilly.  What's more, if that's the kind of thing that you're mad about for months, what other grievances are percolating? 

Other thoughts from the Super Bowl:

• I stopped watching at half time.  I couldn't take any more of Al Michaels pronouncing the name "Bradshaw" in three syllables (e.g., brad' -sho - wah).
• The new Chevy Sonic looks just like a VW Golf from ten years ago.  All our taxpayer money and this is the best they can come up with, along with the pansy assed slogan of "Let's Do This"? 
• I tried watching the Madonna concert at half time but left after a minute or two.  I am not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to remake/homage to the 1980's Flash Gordon movie.  The title song is the most memorable thing about that movie, that was dumb even to an elementary schooler.
• The further I get from high school the stupider I find professional sport.

All The Birds Sing Words and The Flowers Croon

The other day I saw a newspaper article that quoted Newt Gingrich as saying, "I speak pigeon Spanish." 

I don't think anyone speaks pigeon Spanish unless maybe you are talking about the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room.

(Since corrected at the Atlanta news rag, bunch of hacks).

 

Proud of you! Now go away...

I think it's great you lost a lot of weight, Jennifer Hudson, and you do look fabulous, but come on ... I can't read a magazine or watch an hour of TV without you popping up.

Get Down!

There's a commercial for the Citi credit card where a woman buys a bunch of stuff to go rock climbing. At the end, she is shown on a tiny piece of the rock, up WAY too high, and the camera pans around her.

I can't even watch this dizzyingly display - I get vertigo just thinking about it.

That Path Is For Your Steps Alone

I decided to clear off some of the many DVD's that are hogging shelf space. Step 1: Buy a 1 TB hard drive. Check. Step 2: Download a DVD ripper. Check. I started to rip the DVDs to the hard drive. Holy cow, it takes forever! Like 10-15 minutes for one episode of Rockford, and about 20 minutes for a Columbo. This is a colossal pain in the behind. I thought I would simply load the DVD, push a button, and just like dragging a file in Windows, it would be saved on my hard drive. Yikes. Might have to re-think this plan.

Things I Hate Right Now

• Any song by Genesis
• My personal training sessions
• Christmas cookies
• My wide feet
• Christina Applegate's character in Up All Night
• Thinking about going back to work after holiday break

Shut Up, Keep It Down Now

There are several Christmas songs that I think the addition of lyrics sounds hokey and contrived.  Way better as instrumental compositions. These include the following.

• Sleigh Ride
• Carol of the Bells
• theme from Chariots of Fire.  Not Christmas but so lame when sung by I believe it was Melissa Manchester.

Attn: Sam the Butcher

Dear Sam:

Stop tucking pieces of fat underneath the slabs of beef I buy on occasion. I know you're trying to get more bang for your brisket, more ching for your chuck roast, but I'm on to you and pissed off. I'm withholding all sexual favors.

Signed,

Alice*

*from The Brady Bunch, remember?

Mele Kalikimaka

Somehow this song has entered through my ears and implanted itself in my brain. What makes it even worse is that I only know the first line and keep humming or singing the ONE line over and over again like a crazy person. Help!

Ripping Off the BandAid

I should have kept my mouth quiet about wanting to hear Christmas songs. My boss has just declared that "Do They Know It's Christmas Time at All?" is her favourite Christmas song and now has it blasting from her computer. If there's one song that I absolutely cannot stand, it's that one. What an anthropologically misguided, condescending and plain ignorant song that is. They don't have snow in Africa, so they don't know it's Christmas, and they're all probably going to die tonight, so buy this album. Who knows if most people in the depths of Ethiopia even give a flying frack about Christmas? So now I get to hear that as often as she can hit "replay".

Let's Hear Those Sleighbells Jingling

Normally, I get frustrated at the fact that Christmas music on the radio begins on November 1st (at least it does in Canada). Two months ahead is ridiculous. But the UK doesn't seem to follow that silly practice. Instead, it is now December 7, less than three weeks to Christmas, and I have yet to hear anything other than the occasional Mariah Carey "All I Want for Christmas Is You" or "Dominic the Donkey". Where is the Christmas music?!

Bah Humbug the Song

I love Christmas music, but I will never understand the songs that are sad.  Seriously, Amy Grant, your song Grown Up Christmas makes me want to start bawling three notes in.

If I hear Judy Garland singing Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas, I wonder if she's being ironic.  Same thing with I'll Be Home for Christmas.  Really?  Will you?  No matter who sings that song, I don't believe them.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year?  

Lips Like Jagger

What's with all the whistling in Top 40 radio songs these days? And why are you suddenly peeving me out, Maroon 5?

Jim Cantore would call bullshit.

It really irks me when it's pouring rain, thundering and lightning on a TV show or movie, yet it's sunny and there's not a cloud in the sky.

You Go to Hugo. Me? No.

Normally, I would gladly see any Martin Scorsese movie. But I'm out on Hugo. Don't get me wrong, I love Chloe Grace Moretz and the film looks like it will have great special effects. But that scene with the boy holding on to the minute hand of a clock on the side of a building that's about to be 12:25? Seriously? How many times have I seen that bit? I feel like it's been countless times, including the current season of Bored to Death.  Note to writers and directors: there has to be a a more original way to show imminent danger. I might be just shallow and stubborn enough that this will cause me to boycott this movie entirely.

Crash & Burn Marketing

There was an awesome band playing at the Carnaval Bar in Vegas this weekend. They had a backdrop that was lit up with their Facebook page url and their Twitter name. They were encouraging the crowd to tweet requests.

So I did - twice - asking for a birthday shout out for my friend with me. Too bad they never got to it, or any other fan requests.

The next day I had two tweets from them, saying "sorry hun" and "I didn't get to check my Twitter in time."

Always, always think through your marketing ploy before going public with it. Failed marketing gimmicks are worse than no marketing gimmicks at all.

No Heart?

I don't give a crap about this whole Kardashian joke of a marriage thing, and when I heard Andy Rooney died I was not moved.  Am I getting jaded in my ripe age of 41? 

No Complaining

I do not feel that Mama Kardashian has any right to complain how her daughter is being viewed for her 72 day marriage when said daughter wouldn't be in the limelight except for Mama Kardashian's machinations. She set out to make them reality TV stars and so now she has to reap the benefits.

Lip Service, Celebrity Style

Why does every "celebrity" (I use that term loosely) couple always say they'll remain friends when they are splitting up? Do they really expect a person with half a brain to believe that?

I'm sure there are the few that actually do, but I'm willing to bet most just like the sound of it.

Hoarders

There are some TV shows that shouldn't be watched while sitting down for a meal. I've now lost my lunchtime appetite.

Location, Location, Location

I wish commercials were filtered by region. I'm tired of seeing commercials for Sonic Drive-in or Cici's Pizza when neither exist within the state lines. And I may be stereotyping, but I'm pretty sure no one in Bismarck needs anything from Rastagroup.com

Peeves of Yore: Getting Juiced Up for the Season

Hello my fellow peevers and peever lovers! The fall season is in full swing, just ask my neighbors. They love fall...because all of their damn leaves fall onto my yard. I have often pondered what response I would get if I marched over to their house and demanded they get their shit off of my lawn. Pretty sure it wouldn't go over all too well. So, the annual ritual of raking and bagging shall commence. Honestly, it really wouldn't be all too horrible, except I always seem to get blisters on my hands. Damn the man.

One thing I do relish in through out the fall season is college football! Watching football with me can be somewhat exhausting. I yell at the tv, throw things at the tv, pace back and forth, and refuse to use the ladies room until there is a commercial break (that can get slightly difficult depending on beer intake). I have to admit, I am an extremely poor loser. However, I sure as hell have no problem rubbing a lose in somebody's face.

Since we are on the topic of watching jail bait aged boys run around in tight pants, wiping the sweat off of their brows on the boob tube... I thought I would dedicate this PofY to movies/tv/music. Happy reading!

I can only imagine how difficult it was for Nikki to explain The Smurfs to her four-year-old. That's why, if I ever become a parent, I will keep a stash of mushrooms/acid/peyote for any questions about weird little creatures on television shows. And, of course, if they ever ask about Pink Floyd. Let them experience it all first-hand.

The spin off name of Amy's new television show would be so simple, and probably rake in a whole lot of Greenbacks. "...while competing against them during pagent season." I smell scandal!

I, like, totally agree with you Erin! It's like the worst thing in the world. Like, why would anyone, you know, like, say anything so stupid. I mean, like, who talks like that. Where did they, like, go to school to get, like, an education. Like? <All said while one hand is on the hip and the head is tilted sharply to one side>

I mean absolutely no disrespect, Nikki... I would have to be experiencing the following to endure that much....

1. The official countdown to menopause has begun

2. Menopause is in full swing and the hot flashes are causing raging cravings for Meredith Baxter movies

3. Anything from puppies and rainbows to a run in my stockings, making me want to throw the nearest object at the wall and sit on the floor and cry.

Thanks, Karla Kay! You just reminded me of another thing that would have to happen for me to endure large amounts of Lifetime Movie Network. Jane Seymour. I'd close that heart and smash it on the ground...and blame it on Menopause.

Happy weekend, all!

I'll Stick With My Hyundai

Why is no one else peeving about the HORRENDOUSLY ridiculous Prius commercial, where all the people climb on top of everyone else to form one giant person?

Apparently the point of the commercial is to introduce the Prius family. Not only does the premise pass me by, but I find the whole commercial hard to watch.

Any advertising idea that is admittedly "really hard to describe" should perhaps be rethunk. (You can view a video of the making of said commercial here. Kudos to the director for his pants.)

Masturbatory Disturber

I never thought I'd say this, but, the scene in the pilot of American Horror Story where hunky Dylan McDermott gets naked and rubs one out totally rubbed me the wrong way.

Peevery, what was your opinion of that show?

"Sometimes it hurts"

I really like Adele's voice and look and eyelashes and everything, but her songs make me want to slit my wrists.

Nessie, I'd Like You to Meet My Good Friend Sasquatch

Here are some things I have heard about.  I do not think they exist.

• Cold pizza that is actually tasty
• Make up sex
• Ben Stiller comedies
• Brief trips to IKEA

Grammatically Correct but Still Jarring

I was about to peeve about the Seether song "Fake It" which has a line that according to my radio goes like this: "Fake it... you're such an hypocrite," which is grammatically correct, but sounds painful to my ears.  However, in searching for the title of the song I discovered that the line is "Fake it... you're such a fucking hypocrite" which is far less peeving. 

Jingle it

Old Navy, I thought I already warned you about using song parodies from the 80s.  Now I've got that God awful Tiffany song stuck in my head.  Yes, I know that's a cover of a song from the 60's, but your version had that bubble gum princess all over it.

I really miss jingles.  They might have been annoying, but at least they didn't ruin songs from my childhood.  I'm looking at you, Macys!

For a limited time only, act now!

First I was confused by the anthropomorphic hamsters featured in the Kia Soul commercials.  Now they are dancing in what seems to be an apocalyptic gaming landscape with robot warriors.  

Are they just throwing random stuff together that their target demographic likes?  I'm shocked the hamsters aren't wearing bikinis and washing hot rods.

Oh, Hell, the Cooders Have Been Carnies Ever Since We Came Here In 1620 Clinging to the Side of the Mayflower.

Why does Guy Fieri sport the bleached spiky hair?  I believe a mullet is much more his style.  I am surprised that David Spade beat him out for the title role in Joe Dirt. 

I presume there are health regulations that require him to wear sweat bands in the kitchen so that he does not drip Guy Grease all over the other patrons' food.  However, wouldn't those same regulations require him to ditch the flip flops?  I don't think I will ever go to any place that has been featured on one of his shows.

If it's too loud, you're too old!

I have not heard a noise so annoying, so deafening, as the wall of sound of screaming little girls at the Big Time Rush show.

A Dried Up Old Prune

You know that part in When Harry Met Sally where Sally freaks out about turning 40, except she's only 37? I turn 37 in this month. Sally, I totally get it.

It's My Peeve and I Need It Now!

The J.G. Wentworth commercials that are on morning cable news channels have got to fucking stop. 

Can You Get Diabetes From Watching TV?

Our TV recently informed us that it found some new freeview channels (we refuse to pay for cable or satellite). Lo and behold, we now get the Food Network! I love the Food Network because I love food. This Food Network, however, seems to only broadcast from 6pm to 10pm, and consists entirely of dessert-oriented programs. Not a speck of nutrition anywhere to be found. I love me some sweets, but even one episode of Kid in a Candy Store is enough to make me want to vomit sprinkles.

Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer

Due to the extreme heat I am feeling a bit irritable these days.  Here are the most recent annoyances.

1.  I can't watch the news any more because of the incessant hurricane hyperventilation.  Please let me know if NY washes out to sea.

2.  There is a new Whole Foods near by that sells beer on tap.  They have a tiny bar back near the wine/deli area.  I tried to buy some the other day and it took forever for the poor girl working there to get to me because some guy with a pony tail and tiny round glasses kept wanting to have a free sample of each beer.  Really?  Look, tool, it's mostly Anchor Steam beer or Shiner Bock, either of which has been widely available for many years and is nothing unusual.  Cough up the $3 for a glass and stop cadging free samples.

Also, they sell beer to take home but I feel like a dirty hipster saying, "growler" so I can't bring myself to buy the jug.

3.  I had not noticed it before, but since Food Network has switched to an all-Guy-Fieri format, I really think this guy is a total chafe for the following reasons, among others:

• He totally overpronounces his name as Fee-eddie.  It's not as though you just arrived at Ellis Island from the Old Country.  In general you sound like Bill and Ted, so why the exaggerated pronunciation of your name?
• Sunglasses on the back of the head is a distinguishing mark of the genus douchebag.
• The flip-flops in a restaurant kitchen, along with the capri pants.

 

Only Pretty People Count

It annoys me pretty blond women who make bad choices and disappear are featured in magazines and media and yet males, people of color, people of size, brunettes, uggos and old people are rarely, if ever, featured when they vanish.

We Are All Originals

And to prove it we all wear the same Adidas dreck.

Don't do it!

Please, Hollywood people, do NOT remake Dirty Dancing. There are some movies (okay, most) that don't need a remake. Is there really such a dearth of ideas for new movies?

WFT?

Have you seen these Exfinity commercials with Neal Patrick Harris?  I don't know why they always show his monogram as nPh, with the big P in the middle where your last initial goes.

London Bridge is Falling Down

Hello world! We're hosting the Olympics next year, but we can't even control a few hundred thugs smashing windows and burning stuff. The police have even admitted on television's most popular morning news show that we don't have the resources to fight back against the rioters and the situation is a bit hopeless! So next July, remember to bring your machete and take home all the free shit you can fit in your luggage, and don't forget to burn something!

I'm so glad that we decided to stay the hell away from London when we moved to the UK.

Little. Blue. Creepy.

My four-year-old asked me what a smurf was and I could not come up with a decent description that wouldn't scare her. "They are little blue guys who wear white pants and no shirt but one of them wears red pants and there was only one girl smurf until they expanded the franchise after they ran out of clever adventures and there's a mean guy and a mean cat and I think some mushrooms and stuff." Try it, it's not easy.

I Need a Literary Transfusion, Stat!

On the radio in the mornings I have been hearing McDonald's commercials for their smoothies.

Some dizzy whiney girl says something like this:

It's like a Catch-22 of beverages.  I want to drink this delicious McDonald's smoothie but if I do I will be hastening the end of the thing I love the most.

Miss, I am not sure what this bug you've got is but we can definitely rule out Catch-22.  I'm going to give you a referral to Doc Daneeka.  Please call his office to set up an appointment.

Beauty and the Bentley. Both are questionable.

I'm addicted to The Bachelorette. However, I've realized that I my addiction is fueled by the need to be completely annoyed by the show, and the bachelorette herself. There is a medium sized part of me that is also sickly amused by watching a 20-something girl "fall in love" in a matter of mere weeks. Here are the things I am most annoyed with:

1. What's up with her hair? I'm not just talking about the color either (which I think is dull). I'm talking about the bangs that hang partially over her eyes. I'm not a hairstylist, but I think it looks damn silly. Plus, it would annoy me everytime I blinked.

2. So far, ever episode has had some sort of dance date involved. Look, we know you're a dancer! Sometimes, I wonder if it's actually Ashley who is promoting herself, with the hopes of landing dancing gig. Stick with Dentist gig, Ashley.

3. For the love of... STOP chewing on the inside of your top lip! It doesn't make you look cute or innocent or virginal. Who wants to kiss someone who gnaws and tears up the inside of their mouth? Gross.

Funniest moment of the episode:

So, I may receive some (or alot) of nasty comments for what I'm about to admit. Sadly, I'm not sorry for saying it. Last night's episode included the exit of one of the "villian" guys named, Bentley. I about shart my pants from laughter when he said to the camera, "I'm about to make Ashley cry. But, I hope my hair looks okay." (Comment is at 1:03)

Do Women Not Listen to Hard Rock?

I've been listening to the local hard rock station since shortly after I moved here. They've run several contests now that make me think about dropping the station.  They have had two "Seat for seats" contests where women take a photo of their butts and listeners can vote on them to win concert tickets.  They had one "show us your rack" contest, and now they are running a "hand bra" contest, think Janet Jackson on that magazine cover once upon a time.  They've never had a contest that in any way objectified men like that. I think the hand bra contest has pushed me over the edge and I'm going back to the alternative station.

I should just stay away from TV message boards.

Peek= to look at quickly

Peak= the highest point

Pique= to arouse or provoke

I will not take a peak at the promo that peeked your interest in the finale episode of your favorite CBS drama.

Mr Sinatra, Please Pick up the Nearest White Courtesy Phone for a Message

The other day I was on a very long flight and I was too tired to sleep.  Unfortunately, there was no boozy dying gambler to offer me folksy wisdom so I watched the movies instead. 

I saw a movie with Owen Wilson playing a baseball player, Reese Witherspoon playing a softball player, Jack Nicholson playing a guy playing Jack Nicholson, and some guy who looks kind of like Van Wilder.

It was pretty dreary stuff.  I watched Owen Wilson and the Van Wilder guy flounce around as much as Reese flounced around.  I kept trying to imagine Steve McQueen or George Peppard in these roles, and I couldn't do it.  I would much rather watch the Chairman of the Board's clunking performances than see these guys prance and emote.

Six! Six Remote Controls!

These are the remote controls in regular use in my home. Apparently remote controls should be regarded as having the same uniqueness as snowflakes. They must be used and respected for their appropriate function. So don't you even think about using the television remote control to adjust the volume when that is the job of the remote control for the receiver.

 

It's shit like this that makes me miss physically having to get up and change the channel. 

Sweet Valley Whatever

I waited all these years to find out that Elizabeth is still painfully earnest, Jessica is still a hosebeast, and Todd is still a wuss?

May you drop your diamond lavaliere down the bidet, Francine Pascal.

Life Ain't Nothing but a Funny Funny Riddle

I was in a karaoke bar [don't ask] the other night and there were but very few songs in a language I understand.  One of the few I had heard of was Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road by Elton John. 

As I looked at the lyrics, I was kind of struck by how a struggle for meter and rhyme results in some farmly activities as imagined by a person who has never been more than ten feet from pavement. 

"Howlin' old owl in the woods"?  I wouldn't say owls howl.  Coyotes?  Check.  Wolves?  Check.  Basset hound?  Check.  Owl?  Sure, whatever.

"Hunting the horny back toad"? I am mostly a city guy these days, and even my local Orvis doesn't have any gear for such an expedition.  I have seen a few horny toads but I have never been on a horny toad hunt.  Maybe it's an English thing. 

Then Comes The BabyWatch

I cannot wait for this Royal Wedding hype to be over and done with. I get that it's an important event in the largely-irrelevant monarchy, but I am more interested in real world news than the fact that Samantha Cameron is baking cakes for a royal wedding street party. Unless they're chocolate cakes and I'm invited to that street party.