The Peevery

That's Not the Reason

My period is about a week late. I told the husband that maybe he should have gone back to the doctor for that final test that his vasectomy actually worked instead of just assuming it did. He reminded me that we haven't had sex since my last period anyway, so there was no need to worry about an unplanned pregnancy.

Great news.

Veruca Salt & I Want It Now!

I live in a townhouse that has an association to which we pay money every month. Today we got the monthly (bi-monthly? I don't pay attention) newsletter, which actually had some useful info in it.

Among the tidbits of trash and landscaping was the news that the company is FINALLY "on the web!"

However, I can't tell if their new site is better than the old, which was basically a shell and nothing else, because I submitted a request for login and password OVER AN HOUR AGO and have not yet receive a reply.

Are you kidding me? How is that not automated? Are they actually verifying that I'm a resident? And what the hell does their bullshit "remember to respect the privacy of your Board Members who volunteer their time to the Association" disclaimer-type statement mean?

This site better be fucking fabulous and let me rat out my law-breaking neighbor, or I'll be really pissed.

One Thing Leads To Another

My wife thoroughly cleaned the boy's bedroom today.  Took everything out, sorted through clothes, got rid of some of the things we don't need anymore for a tiny newborn, that sort of thing. 

Here's my peeve.  Every single time she does this, it involves moving everything into another room to sort.  So today, for instance, the boy's room is spic and span, but the living room is now a disaster area. 

Take a wild guess who's going to clean that up if he wants to relax tonight?

I'm Going to Curl Up and Hibernate

So, my house is coming off the market. That sucks, but it's also kind of okay. Whatev.

I've decided to put some money into the place - get better light fixtures for all the ceiling lights, get a new over-the-range microwave, get the carpets professionally cleaned, and maybe a few other minor-ish things.

The problem is that I can't handle too much choice. I have no ability to pick shit that looks good together and matches but isn't matchy-matchy. If I knew a designer I trusted I might go that route, but I don't, and after all, I'm still pretty cheap.

Ack. Who wants to come be the boss of me for a bit?

Send In Reinforcements

So far palatial apartment rocks, except for one thing.  The drawers are only set up with one track.  On average twice a week I pull a drawer out in just the right way to pull the back wheel off the track.   Then I get to struggle trying to hook it back on without dumping the contents into the cupboard below.

Summer Schmutz!

No matter how many times a day I wipe down my kitchen counter, it still have a film of schmutz. This seems to only happen during the summertime. Do I need a special summer countertop cleaner?  Or should I just forget about cleaning it altogether?  (Please say yes to that last question.)

BP's Training Academy

My two younger girls - Sammi, who is six; and Erin, who is four - have very different skills, strengths, and aptitudes.  Sammi is disconcertingly intelligent, high-strung, and very girly-girl in appearance and demeanor.  Erin is easy going, loves to get dirty and messy with the boys, and has more athletic ability than all of her siblings combined.  There is, however, one thing they both do with accuracy, consistency, and regularity.

They spill things.

Their drinks hit the floor more often than my feet.  You could bolt their cup to the table and make them drink from a straw, and it wouldn't matter.  If their cup - or whatever container you can contrive that you think is spill proof - has liquid in it, that liquid will find the floor.  They're experts in spilling, and I can't figure out how to stop them.

Maybe when BP gets done with that spill in the Gulf Of Mexico they can run over to my house and give me a hand.

Damn Vampiric Genes

Due to the ridiculously pale people in my gene pool, I can't spend lots of time out in the sun without getting sunsick.  The drive home from Six Flags was miserable as I was nauseous and headachy.  A hour and a half nap in my overly air conditioned apartment helped.

Deadbeats

How is it I always get the phone number of a deadbeat?  When I moved to Seattle, for over a year I'd get calls from collection agencies and King County.  I've been in Fort Worth 8 weeks and I keep getting calls from a law office and a debt place as well as a cable company who isn't mine about owing equipment and money. 

Leave the Possum, Take the Planters

The two cute little urns planted with "Dusty Miller" and purple alyssum were stolen from my front porch!  Kids looking for a late Mother's Day gift, perhaps?  Is there a horticultural trafficking ring in my neighborhood?  Will the thieving bastards remember to give the plants diluted fish emulsion regularly?  I am bereft.

The Source of my Apathy

I'm visiting my parents.  In Arizona.*  Upon greeting my father said something to the effect of don't tell anybody I'm here because all Arizonan's are racist at the top of his fucking lungs.  Here's the deal.  I'm fairly liberal.  My parents are not.  I'd rather not talk politics because even if I happen to agree with them on a specific issue, I don't want to be lectured on it (which any discussion always becomes).  It becomes much easier to just say "Mhmm... " and then change the subject.

*I also don't care what YOUR opinion on AZ's law is. 

I hate birds

I really detest birds. I don't mind images or graphics of birds but real live birds creep me out.

We currently have a family of birds living in the tree outside of our apartment. They chirp and squawk and make a LOT of noise at all hours of the day and night. They are some kind of magical bird who also know how to mimic the sound of car alarms.

I am contemplating ways to kill these birds.

Too bad. Not really.

The fact that I forgot that my husband and I had an important meeting today and I couldn't score a last-minute babysitter to watch the boy was kind of a bummer.

But it was kind of awesome that I got to skip our appointment and stay home and play the Wii and not have to talk about my feelings.

Road Crap

Just a few days ago, as I was driving down my street on the way home, I saw a ridiculous sight.  A woman was walking an absolutely gorgeous boxer down the street.  Not on the sidewalk, of course, which is flat and wide and level right there.  In the street.  As I got closer, I saw the woman pull on the dog's leash as the dog tried to stop, and it was obvious the dog was ready to shit.  Sure enough, the dog tried stopping again, the woman pulled it along, and the dog just let the shit fly right there in the road as she was dragging him.  At that point, I had just driven past them, and saw in my rear-view mirror that the woman had actually stopped and dragged the poor dog over to the grassy strip between the sidewalk and road and he was shitting again.  That was the last I saw.

An hour later, I left the house to go to my brother's place, and saw that the bitch never even cleaned up after her dog!  Shit was all over the road where it had been run over, and I saw a nice pile in the grass, too.  I hope she doesn't have kids.

Bushel o' Peeves

*Last night's rain made the cats very buggy.  They turned the house into an obstacle course and kept waking me up.  I don't think I got more than an hour of unbroken sleep all night, and I had a nightmare as well.  Today my eyes sport rings that rival Saturn's.

*Later this morning I have to go to a meeting chaired by a 26-year-old wunderkind whom I can't stand.

*My good tights are all dirty, so I pulled on a pair from the back of the drawer.  Apparently I put them there because the elastic is shot.  Either I must run out to Walgreens later and buy a decent pair, or I must staple the waistband of this pair directly to my flesh.

*Someone de-friended me on Facebook because they misunderstood a comment I made to another friend (who was NOT offended by said comment). 

*That pink mildew is back in the shower.

*I have hit a weight-loss plateau.  Actually, since I have been at this weight for at least two weeks, it's more of a prairie.

*I know my problems won't be solved by eating large amounts of cheese, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Come on in, I'm all alone!

I've lived in my apartment 9 days.  I've forgotten to lock the front door overnight for 4 of those days.  Why don't I just hang a sign on the front door that says "Come on in would be rapists and thieves, I'm too dumb to remember to lock the door!" 

Always a Fucking Yard Sale

I get peeved enough that half my Christmas or Birthday presents from my mother come from yard sales, but I am so over her buying fucking electronics at yard sales. She loaned me a GPS.  I turn it on.  It has a picture of a computer so I figure out what that means.  I go to the website.  I download the update software.  I try to update software - "Call customer service."  This is the price I pay for not going down to the Wal Mart and just buying one... which I will do in approximately 10 minutes.

Easter Weekend Peeves

1. The Easter Bunny brought my daughter jelly beans that taste like old people.

2. The Google Maps app for the Blackberry is useless. I might as well be looking at traffic conditions in India. From three years ago. Spreaking of Google, I feel like they couldn't care less about whether their products are any good anymore. They're like the Tom Cruise of tech companies.

3. My daughter slept through the night both nights that we were at my in-laws. We got home and she was back to her usual tricks. I wonder if she is allergic to her room.

No More HGTV For Me

My husband left last week for a week of training. I decided it would keep me busy to paint most of the walls in my house. I'm really, really stupid.

I'm sore, have a huge bruise (don't ask me how I got it while painting, I have no idea) and had the brilliant idea of spring cleaning while painting (getting the inches of dust off the top of the kitchen cabinets, taking down all the blinds and cleaning them, etc.)

The next time my husband goes away for any amount of time, I need someone to tell me to NOT tackle ANY projects.

Sounds Of Spring

There's one sure sign of spring around my house, and it is most noticeable in my back yard.  That sign is an audible one.  It's the sound of my neighbor calling for her goddam cat to come in the house.  This generally happens in the afternoon but can happen at any hour, every single day, from late March until Thanksgiving.  "Whitey!  Whitey!  Whitey!  Whitey!!!" can be heard all the live long fucking day.  I don't mind too much, except that I'm half deaf and she's far enough away that if I'm not paying attention I could swear she's yelling "Brian!  Brian!  Brian!  Brian!" and I go half insane trying to figure out why the hell someone I can't see is yelling my name.

Fore!

My husband parked his golf clubs by the window in our bedroom and every time I walk past the room, I jump out of my skin a little thinking that there is someone staring in the window.

Related peeve: My husband parked his golf clubs in our bedroom.

Goodwill Wins!

I was checking out The Salvation Army's page to find out when their donation center was open so I could bring* a few things down tomorrow after work.  I could not find their hours online anywhere, found their site difficult to navigate and ultimately find that I need to call the store to find the hours.  I call and get a busy signal.  In a fit of pique, I look up Goodwill.  Not only is their site easy to navigate, but the exact piece of information I needed was prominent and easy to find.  Suck it Salvation Army!

*Salvation Army will not pick up from my zip code.  That was probably the first sign.

I was bitchy to a stranger

Occasionally, the phone rings twice and then stops ringing. Yesterday, I picked up the phone just after the second ring and said, "Hello." A recording was in progress, but I heard someone say, "Hello," back, then nothing. I said, "Hello," again, heard, "Hello," again, then nothing. I thought maybe it was like that weird thing that happens on the cell phone sometimes where my call doesn't really go through and I just hear an echo of myself. Then I heard, "Hello, are you there?" The whole time the Verizon recording was still going on, so I thought a Verizon operator was trying to talk to me over the recording. I said, "Hello, yes, what?" Then we got into a, "You called me/No I didn't," discussion that was not productive. I chalked it up to a random occurrence and told the lady I was hanging up.

A couple times this morning, the phone rang twice and stopped. The last time, I picked up right after the second ring and said, "Hello." There was a Verizon guy and the same lady from yesterday on the phone. I told the Verizon guy that calls keep going to both of us and explained about yesterday and earlier this morning.

Me: "Verizon, please hold on. Other person on the line, are you still there?"

Lady: "Yes. Are they calling you or are they calling me?"

Me: "Verizon is calling me, but for some reason, they end up calling both of us."

Lady: "But they are calling me first."

Me: "I think you just get to the phone faster. What's your number?"

Lady: "What's YOUR number? I don't give out MY number."

Me: "Why don't you just hang up then so that I can talk to Verizon if you don't want to give me your number so that we can sort this out later."

Lady: "Ok, then."

Yes, I was a little snotty but only because she was snotty first. Also, maybe because I had just cleaned up dog shit from the living room carpet. The dog shit right on the spot where the former's tenants dogs liked to pee and which we had just saturated with Nature's Motherfucking Miracle in an attempt to rid the living room of the stench.

Broken

Thanks to my packing and cleaning I've broken half my fingernails and two of my toenails down to the quick. 

Things that have bothered me this week

• 70 degrees one day, 40 the next.
• Shoes that used to be my favourites now pinch my feet.
• My brand-new gorgeous Calvin Klein trench coat has already lost two buttons.  I've worn it only twice.
• I can't 100% remember everything I did on St. Patrick's Day.
• The minutes I took at a meeting this week are gone.  No idea where they went.  They might be at a bar somewhere in mid-Philadelphia.
• Random dude chatting it up with me on the plane while I was trying to sleep.
• Nose hairs.

Happy Birthday, Here's Some Gum

I have absolutely no idea what to get my husband for his birthday (April 3).

Nasty.

My damn container nasturtium seeds are refusing to come up.  I blame recent torrential rains.  And maybe Satan.

Home Improvement Joke

Know how you can tell a paint manufacturer is lying?

The product label says "One Coat."

I Made It

I kept my shit together through a month of escrow, a few weeks of hellish events surrounding the move, all happening during the final weeks of a tough MBA class, and (hopefully) anomalous workplace shenanigans. Fuck, I'm tired. And, have sympathy for the poor soul who fucks with me next. My well of patience is bone dry.

Two Days

I just have to keep my shit together for two more days until my class is over and everything in my life magically falls back into place.

Fuhgeddaboudit Already!

It has taken 5 people approximately 10 days (and counting) to determine where we will gather for dad's birthday celebration this weekend:

• Sister has a cancer-stricken dog and doesn't want to bring him to mom & dad's

• If the location is, indeed, mom & dad's, then brother-in-law will stay at home with sick dog and miss the gathering

• Mom, in winter, "is unwilling to state she will be somewhere" at any given time, so that puts a wrench in the "go to sister's house so BIL can join in" idea

• Dad doesn't want to celebrate his birthday at all and thinks "us kids" would have a better time without him, so that's another wrench in the "go to sister's house" idea

• Sister & BIL didn't clean their house this weekend, so that's another wrench in the "go to sister's house" idea

Sister & I decided yesterday we would all convene at mom & dad's house and say fuck the dog and the BIL, but I don't know that mom & dad are aware of this change.

I just want someone to tell me when and where to show up. JFC.

I'm back. I think.

I lost my mind a few months ago, in mid-December.  I think it's come back.  Welcome, brain!

By the way, turning 40 SUCKS and so does this long-ass winter.

#FML

I never use the acronym FML or use the #FML hashtag on Twitter (it stands for Fuck My Life) because I have a pretty good life, even if things aren't going very well, but god damn this last month has been trying.

Pace Billy Mays

I thought the Oxy Clean powder would be good to try out on my workout clothes to help remove/reduce the funk, so I have been using it for the past several weeks.

The problem is that once I have jogged about one mile, my whole torso starts itching like crazy.  I wind up scratching like a monkey for the next mile or two, and I think the Oxy Clean is to blame since I never had this happen before.

I think I will go back to baking soda.

Sometimes I Hate Myself

I have a lot of things I should do tonight (dishes, more dishes, laundry, cleaning, shopping for dad's bday present, shopping for bf's Valentine's present, taxes, etc) but I won't do any of them.

Instead, I went to the gym, I ate a healthy dinner, and I will probably sit on my ass for the rest of the night playing Bejeweled.

A decision I've had to make before

Do I go get a pregnancy test kit at lunch time or do I give it a couple more days?

More Trash Talk!

One of our outdoor garbage cans blew away in the recent California gale-force windstorms.  We are now down to one can.  This is especially irksome, because the downstairs neighbors moved out in a hurry this week and left bags and bags of their trash in the driveway.  I now have to go to the nearest non-Home Creepo hardware store and try to haul a new trash can back on the bus.  Not-so-quietly seething at the very thought.

Reader Peeves

Anonymous has a peeve:

When people that are very near and dear to my heart see that I post on Facebook, they think it means they can actually reach me on the phone (since I'm obviously not doing anything important by posting things to Facebook). 

It's become such that I'm afraid to actually interact with anything on Facebook because I know you'll be calling me shortly after.  Part of my joy of social networking VIA THE INTERNET is so that I can come and go as I please.  Back the FUCK OFF already.

Have a peeve? I want it. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

And They're Cuddly, Too

Do you think if I traded my husband in for a trained chimp that it would do more around here than he does? I'm willing to take a chance.

This question needs an answer, STAT.

Let's say your trash can, which is six years old and costs $100 to replace, smells so foul that you put it outside and want to cry and wretch every time you think about cleaning it out. It's ok just to trash the trash can, right? If not, will you please come clean my trash can. You can probably smell it from where you are.

My Landlady, She Also Sucks in 2010

A few weeks ago, the tenants in the lower half of our duplex were burglarized during the night.  The perps went right up on the front porch and opened the living room window, making off with a bike and a laptop.

My landlady's response?  Installing a padlock for the inside of the back gate, because it's apparently very important that nobody can get into the double-locked steel doors in the windowless back of the house.  The beauty part is that she only gave keys to the downstairs neighbors, who have never used the back gate to my knowledge.  Who uses the back gate?  That's right.  Yours truly, the one who does all the backyard maintenance. 

When we got the downstairs neighbors' key and attempted to have it copied by an actual locksmith, we found out that no blanks for this particular key exist anywhere.  Time to remove the lock entirely and replace it with a hellbeast who only eats burglars and landladies.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

I really enjoy learning on Friday evening that the week end will be spent prepping the bathrooms for painting.

This is after I agreed to pay some one to paint them.  If you want to try to go the cheapo route and trim the costs, why don't we pay some guy to scrape and sand, and then I will do the painting.  That's the fun and easy part.  Sanding and scraping are for sucks.

That's Why It Has Burners

The stove is not an auxiliary kitchen work surface. 

Especially not for dishing up messy food while using a too-small spoon. 

Double-especially after I just cleaned and polished said stove.

Why me?

Two words: Potty regression.

Panic Button

Ladies, please take my advice if you like your husband or male significant other. If you want to play the "we need to talk" card, don't play it early in the day and plan the talk for the evening.  Most men are not capable of handling that, and will invariably become defensive, angry, and scared to death.  Better to just hit us with it than to give us a while to think about it.  Unless you're a sadist, in which case go for it!

Also, when "the talk" happens and it only involves planning house cleaning and home improvement projects better, don't be surprised or offended if we breathe a HUGE sigh of relief and act like it's no big deal.  Trust me, we were mentally preparing for a night or seven on the couch.  Or in the backyard.

Today is AWESOME! Not.

I only got 6 hours of sleep when I have I been trying to get 8. I really need 9.

I got to work an hour late.

My Starbucks cup is dirty and at home, not with me at work.

I forgot to do something really important last night which could affect the sale of our house. (It probably won't, but still.)

My foot hurts because I have plantar fasciitis because I am fat and tried to wear only fancy shoes to work upon my return from maternity leave in September. I am now back to wearing only these to work.

But, on the plus side, today is housekeeper day. (You have to follow me on Twitter if you want to see that last link. Why aren't you already following me on Twitter? And, speaking of Twitter, why not follow The Peevery on Twitter and all the other Peevers on Twitter?)

Get Down on It

With the onset of winter coldness I finally put the big fluffy down comforter on the bed. It's so wonderful to crawl under the covers and get instant toasty warmth. The problem is that I wake up in the morning bathed in sweat, and not from any hot and steamy dreams. Prettiness. Down just gets too darn hot. 

Potential upside: I could lose weight in my sleep?

Good plans gone bad

I'm back at work after almost two-and-a-half weeks away.  In my time at home, I sat on my ass, watched a lot of bad TV, drank like a fish and ate a ton of shit.  I was dying to get back to Philadelphia, to my hotel room, to a gym, to a place where there are not plates and plates of cookies and bottles of Malbec calling my name from the other room.

And today I came back to work and I ate candy and drank soda and when someone asked me to go out or drinks tonight I said "Hell Yes!"

I Can't Take It Anymore!

My father loves crime tv shows, not like Bones although he does love CSI, but like Cops, or like anything on TruTv.  Currently he is watching Real Cops of Broward County (or something like that.)  I've been visiting with my family off and on since Christmas and this is killing me. 

Reader Peeves

Sara has a peeve:

My in-laws Christmas gift to my kids each year are always of a bit off..  This year they got them each a snow suit (jacket and pants set).  We live in New England.. we have already had over a foot of snow... does my MIL not think i don't already have snow suits for each of my kids?  So, i ask my husband to ask his mother if we can return them. He says "Are you sure you want me to do that? You realize if i do she will give me an attitude and never buy them anything again (just gift certificates)"  ARE YOU SERIOUS!  Come on lady.. Maybe I will just make the kids wear two snow suits at once... double warmth right?
 
And a side Peeve for my husband.. since i know he would never be the one to complain about this... my in-laws gave their only child a ski helmet for Chrsitmas... and that is it!  If it were me... i would be seriously peeved but maybe i am just selfish!