The Peevery

Guess What My Husband Did on His Lunch Hour

I drove the two youngest to the grocery store today right before lunch. It was chilly outside, so I cranked the heat up full blast and thought I'd let them sit in the car with the warm heat while I walked ten feet away to grab a shopping cart.

I locked my keys in the car.

With my children.

And the heat cranked on high.

Mother of the year?

Yeah, Right

Scrub-Free products?  Totally bogus.

A Peeved Marriage

Peeved Wife and Husband are watching TV and hear a conversation about how most people these days have starter marriages. Peeved Wife coincidentally sighs.

Peeved Husband: Is this a starter marriage?

Peeved Wife pauses to contemplate the question, perhaps a little too long for Peeved Husband's comfort.

Peeved Wife: Look, here's the thing. You're lazy. I'm lazy. Neither one of us is going to go through the effort to do this all again.

Peeved Husband: Yeah, you're probably right.

The romance? It is not gone.

Are you kidding me? Part II

Yet again the elevator in my building is broken. 

As if I kept a clean house.

I live so far into suburbia, that if my house were threatened by the wildfires here in Southern California, it would be world news due to the level of devastation. The worst part about these fires for me is that my house is not airtight. The winds are so fierce that there is soot on every windowsill and in front of every door to my house. If this weren't my last week of maternity leave, I would also be complaining about the road closures doubling my commute time.

Furnace Frustration

I'm sitting at home waiting for the freakin' furnace guy to come and "fix my unit" (because the service people call it a unit and not a furnace which of course I find very funny.)   

You can show up any time you're ready, furnace guy.  I've only been sitting here waiting on your ass.  Not like I don't have other things to do. 

P.S.  I wrote the above at 1:19 PM.  The freakin' furnace guy showed up at 3:15.  He is now welding something in my basement.  Guess I'm not going back to work.

p.p.s. If you ask a service company to call you on your cell phone just before the service people are ready to go to your house, but they keep ignoring your request so you have to sit at home and wait like I did, how stupid is the service company?

Are you kidding me?

One thousand and fifty dollars a month for rent and they can't fix the fucking elevator in a reasonable amount of time?!

Suck, suck, suck

1. Strep throat in little kids is no fun.
2. I loathe Play-Doh.
3. Potty training?  I'm ready to kill myself now.

Eight Words

Potty training is going to fucking kill me.

I'm Too Old For This

At one of my  best friend's camp this weekend, I was taken out by my dog and her dog.  I now have a beautiful case of gravel road rash the size of my palm on the very tender skin just below my ass.  I wonder if that will temporarily camouflage my cottage cheese thighs?

Not Worth It

I got a letter in the mail today.  Apparently my rent is going up again in December.  This is the 2nd rent increase this year.  Sadly, doing a vague apartment rental search indicates that the management company isn't too far off about fair market value. 

Taking Inconsideration to a New Level

Dear Family Member,

I don't expect you to be as excited about our big news as we are, but when I send out a family and friend email announcing the big event, maybe you could have responded with a congratulations or even an acknowledgment instead of a stupid FWD about naked men dressed up as angels. Have a little class.

Officially Taking You Out of the Contacts List,
JuJu

Honey!

If I could change one thing about my beloved husband, it would be the way he loads the dishwasher.

Honey, PUT THE DAMN PLATES IN THE LITTLE SLOTS DIRECTLY ADJACENT TO ONE ANOTHER, NOT SCATTERED ALL OVER THE FUCKING LOWER RACK!  The dishwasher only looks full to you because you have seven plates in various tilting positions all over the fucking place.  But if you load them properly and efficiently, you can fit like 20 plates and it takes much less time because I don't have to rearrange the fuck out of it.  How hard can it be?

Sheesh!

Best News Ever

We got Kenna into the best home daycare ever. It was the one place referred to us by a friend. My mom's friend's kid was there from babyhood to kindergarten and they all became great friends and lived happily ever after.

My laundry woes, part 2

My fucking dryer died.  I have damp clothes spead all over the fucking house, including hanging from all the ceiling fans.  The real bitch is that the weather here has decided to be damp and cold, so I anticipate it will take the entire weekend for my underwear to air dry.  Never mind the towels!

I am currently too busy and stressed out, therefore unable to deal with the chore of having the dryer fixed, looking for a new dryer to purchase, or driving to my parent's house with all my wet laundry.  Also, my husband is out of town so he is no help at all.  AT ALL.

The Downside of Teen Pregnancy

For the most part, I like having really young parents, but sometimes, like now, it kind of sucks. My mom is only 50 and not exactly ready to retire to grandmotherly adventures like taking care of my baby when I go back to work. Interviewing daycare providers is nerve-wracking.

There is a basement in Western New York that is kind of toxic

I threw in a load of laundry to wash on Monday evening, and then went out of town for work until last night.  Today is Friday.  Guess what was waiting for me this morning in the washing machine?  Not a pretty sight.  Or smell.

How Convenient

Four years in this house and I am still the only one who knows where the stamps/cling wrap/paper plates are kept? Open your eyes, people!

I'm 33, not 73!

My mother seems to be operating under the belief that I'm a 73 year old retiree who lives in Miami Beach and plays shuffleboard on the weekends.  Why else would she keep offering me giant (3 - 4") pendants described as "Chinese characters inlayed in Jade that means either prostitute or love"  and "a fish, you know a fancy type gold fish"? 

Is He Darth Vadar to My Luke Skywalker?

Why on earth does my father start his voicemail messages at work with "...this is your father" in a peculiar, formal way, even when the message is something frivolous like wishing me a happy birthday? He doesn't do that when he calls me on my mobile or at home, and I've never had a voicemail that anyone else would be listening to.  Sometimes he even calls me by an embarrassing childhood nickname in the message, but he still feels the need to identify himself as my father.

Cleanliness is Next to Laziness

Someone in my house has found a new way to avoid filling ice cube trays.  I'm constantly finding them in the dishwasher.

Lazy asses.

Incapable of Coherant Sentences

My head wants to explode.  Allergies=sinus headache.  Kids fighting=tension headache.  Dog barking and SpongeBob Squarepants theme song=aggrevating existing headache symptoms. MamaKaren=wants a mojito, but fearful of additional headache.

Peeved Baby Says Suck It

More pics are on Flickr.

My Way

You know how a typical argument between an eleven-year-old girl and her mother usually ends with some variation of this statement: "Well, when you're the grown up and have your own house you can do it your way." Fast foward twenty years and you'll find this is only true if you live alone. Otherwise you're just wiping someone else's ass and filling ice cube trays all day long.

Hello. Goodbye.

Hello to my boys, home from their fishing trip.

Goodbye amazingly clean house. I'll miss you.

I Swing Both Ways

Do you have to sleep on a particular side of the bed? I have never really cared. I just need the side closest to the bathroom since I get up to pee at night (once a night when not pregnant... every one to two hours right now). I always thought my husband didn't care either, but when I suggested switching sides (for nighttime baby-getting convenience), he said, "Fine by me. I like that side better anyway."

What other insidious, potentially relationship-damaging secrets is he keeping? Would he prefer to park on the left side of the driveway? Does he wish I would not put the cheese and lunch meat in the fruit drawer instead of fruit? Would he like me to move the medications from the bottom drawer to the middle drawer in the bathroom? Clearly, our marriage is on the rocks. (Note to singles: Marriage is EXCITING.)

Color Me White

I had paint on my eyelid.

I took my contacts out and a paint chip came with one.

I showered and shampooed and paint is still on me and in my hair.

Can anyone tell me why this shit clings to a person like a crackhead to their pipe?

Dirty, but Not in a Good Way

Okay, I get it. Being a garbage man must totally suck ass. In my area, the garbage men still have to get out of the truck and manually dump the garbage into the back. They aren't as lucky as those garbage men with the claw trucks that grab the can and dump it without human assistance. I feel for them, I REALLY do. That being said, how fucking hard is it to place the garbage can back down on the earth in an appropriate location? Appropriate locations are anywhere that is not A) the middle of my driveway B) the middle of the street and C) in my neighbor's front yard. Next week I might just load the can full of dirty diapers and let it sit in the sun for a couple days.

Spelling Bee

While my friends get a chuckle out of me spelling my various profanities over the phone, it's a little more embarassing to spell out "cookie" to a colleague when your child is nowhere in sight.

Dumbass. D-U-M-B-A-S-S. Dumbass.

Thanks, Mom.

As much as I like to think that I am not physically inconvenienced by my condition, I finally had to admit that I am nine months pregnant and can only do things in ten minute increments. My mom came over and spent the whole day helping me organize and clean my master bedroom and bathroom. For the first time in the history of having a master bedroom, it is cleaner than the rest of my house.

On a related note, I am about 90% sure that I am simply going to throw away the bathroom rugs and buy new ones instead of cleaning them.

Moving Peeves Part 1

The packing? It sucks.

Expect to see this as a common theme throughout the upcoming 20 days, to then be replaced by unpacking peeves.

Painting Faux Pas

Martha Stewart I am not. However, I firmly believe there is a special place in hell for the type of people that paint over outlet covers, hinges and metal widow treatment fixtures. The previous owner of our current home has committed the trifecta.

Fe-Lined

I am not a cat person.  In fact, there is only one show I hate more than Cats.  I would love to get a dog, but having no yard I feel it is unfair to keep a dog cooped up all day.  So, people say I should get a cat instead.  I don't dislike cats, per se.  I just don't want them in my house.  Especially ones with claws.  To me, the only advantage to having cats is you don't have to clean up their poop everywhere. 

Now I have someone staying with me who has two cats.  I hate these cats.  Well, one of them anyway.  The smell aside (which I am disguising with Plug-Ins), one of them claws at my carpets and I'm seeing carpet threads.  Black hair everywhere.  I have had to hide anything breakable that is valuable.  That 100-year old decanter?  In the pantry.  I cannot wait until they are gone.  Two weeks to go.

Healthy As A Horse's Ass

Dear Family Member,

Health insurance is not for you.  It is something you buy to insurance that your family doesn't go broke trying to cure the injury or sickness that you stupidly thought you would never get.

Get better soon, 'cause I can't wait to beat the crap of out you.

Your Worried, Exhausted, Pissed-Off, and Money-Hemorrhaging Relative.

Worthless Crap

Dear Mother,

I appreciate that you send me the things I ask for periodically.  I'm cool with the fact that they usually come from yard sales.  BUT If you are going to purchase things from yard sales will you at least ensure it isn't freakin' broken? 

Thanks!
Your Frustrated Daughter,

Joanne

Steak and a Blow Job

My mother-in-law has now asked, twice, what "we're all planning" for her son's birthday this year. Her son is celebrating a birthday which ends in neither a zero nor a five. Her son was also the recipient of the best surprise party ever last year, including a brand new grill delivered to the door. If she asks again I will have to tell her the truth which, as married women everywhere know, is "steak and a blow job."

Not What I Was Going For

I bought a huge amount of white carnations because A) I love having fresh flowers in the house  B) I love white flowers and C) they were cheap...BUT....now my entire house stinks like carnations. I forgot how bad they smell AND my cat was eating them...anyone know if they are posionous?

Inappropriate Touching

I want to take the baby out and snuggle it and then put it back in so that it can finish cooking.

How Martha Stewart Spends Her Day Off

Whoever invented the sleep shade eye mask thing is a freaking genius. I slept in until the sound of cars driving by in the rain woke me up. The dog was getting antsy to go outside. I couldn't find my robe so I just threw on a second nightgown.

When we got downstairs and the dog saw that it was raining she was like, "What the shit? I'm not going out there." I put out her food and water, pushed her out the door and locked it. I came back upstairs to get the load of laundry and found my robe. It was chilly in here so I just threw it on over my double nightgown. I put the laundry in and poured myself a bowl of cereal (Graham Bumpers, which contain no high fructose corn syrup). As I sat on the couch, I spilled a little of the milk from my cereal and wiped it up with the edge of the second nightgown.

I watched about ten baby shows in a row, doing the laundry in between. Finally, around 2 PM, I came back upstairs, took a shower and wrote this inspiring story. Now, I am wondering where my husband is because he said he would be home from his business trip around 1 PM, but I can't call him because he forgot to take his cell phone.

The afternoon will prove to be just as exciting as the morning. I am going to Babies R Us to buy one piece from our baby bedding set then going to the paint store to choose a new color for the baby room. I will also be going to Linens N Things to get a body pillow since the pregnancy pillow I bought isn't cutting it anymore. Whenever my husband gets home, he is going to take me out for a steak, probably not a fancy steak, maybe just to Black Angus or Wood Ranch.

Oh, and I have to pay the bills and deliver some free behavior modification therapies.

Two Reasons Why My Grandma Can't Spend the Night at My House Ever Again

Reason 1:

Michelle: My morning sickness was only in my fourth month.
Grandma: You weren't sick. You have a healthy pregnancy. That was all in your head.

Reason 2:

Grandma: I don't think you are really pregnant. Your belly is too round this way. [Makes side-to-side motions with her hands] Pregnant women get round bellies this way. [Makes up and down motions with her hands]
Michelle: Pregnant fat ladies don't.
Grandma: Hrmph. And I don't think that other girl at the party was pregnant either. She didn't look pregnant.
[ My cousin is about a month behind me and has the perfect, cute little pregnant belly that all pregnant women wish they had.]

Baby Bits

It's a girl! I bought nine million cute little baby girl things today!

Blogging From the Basement

I am NEVER going to get unpacked. It seems as though for every box I get unpacked and put away, another three grow in it's place.

Also, I'm NEVER going to get the time I need to blog at my other place...so carry on. Stop checking. I suck.

Sung to the Tune of "My Humps"

This is our ultrasound pep song for tomorrow:

Gonna look at your junk
Your junk, your junk, your junk
Your little baby junk
Spread those little baby legs

Inappropriate? Maybe, but I want to know if it is a boy or a girl!

Daddy Dearest

Between my husband and myself, we have one good step-father, one loser of a step-father, one live deadbeat dad, and one dead deadbeat dad. At least we have two good moms.

Praying It's Shampoo

How does so much shampoo end up on the bottom of the shower curtain? I can't remember the last time I lathered, rinsed or repeated on my toes.

Forget it

Mommy dearest,

You "forgot" you agreed to babysit for us on one of the most important nights in my husband's life? Forgot? Clearly you also "forgot" who will be choosing your adult daycare some day.

Smooches,

Dr. Kevorkian's new best friend

A Plague Upon My House -- Updated

Sunday: I am washing my hair in the shower. I turn around to rinse out the shampoo and feel something under my foot. I am careful not get any shampoo in my eyes as I take a peek at what it is. I immediately yelp because there, in the shower, is a GIANT dead cricket. The husband calmly tells me to wash it down the drain once he finds out what the yelping was about.

Monday: The husband is showering and says, "I found your cricket. It's not that big." I tell him that must be a different cricket because the one I washed down the drain was dead.

Tuesday: I turn on the water for the shower and inspect every corner of the shower and shake the curtain to make sure there are no lurking crickets. I am nearly done with my shower, about to embark upon the washing the body phase. I grab the shower puff hanging from the rack and there, on my arm, is a black cricket. I scream or yelp or otherwise raise a ruckus, waking the husband from a dead sleep and scaring the dog, slipping a little but not falling. The husband is a little irritated to find out that it was only a cricket and not me dying in the shower from a fractured skull. I turn off the water and make him come kill the cricket. I tell him that I don't care if it was just a cricket, it was a GIANT BLACK BUG ON MY ARM. I also tell him that, from now on, he showers first.

Wednesday: Is it any wonder I had a nightmare about a cricket infestation last night?

*Please note that our shower is in the back of our bedroom on the second floor. How the hell are all these crickets getting up there?

Cinderella

I drove two hours in the pouring rain and crazy fog Friday night to get to my sister and BIL's place. When I got there, I found that BIL was sick so, instead of hanging out with him as planned while sister was off doing her things, I vacuumed and Swiffered their downstairs, cleaned their kitchen, and shoveled part of their walkway.

In addition, I had to pay for my sister's play ticket.

Then, on Sunday, I drove back.

I am either the best sister ever or the biggest sucker in the world.

This is why I like spiders!

(Unless of course it was a spider that did it; I may have to rethink my position)  I got bit on Friday night by something.  I still haven't figured out what kind of insect it was but it got me 3 times.  I've had a ton of mosquito bites and I don't think that is what these are.  But they itch and are weepy and are swollen and warm to the touch and pissing me off!

Update:  A cursory investigation of the bed reveals no bedbug evidence.  I could be missing it but I'm going with my initial theory that it is probably a spider bite.  Although probably not a serious type of spider, more like the "Help, I got trapped in this shirt and I can't get out and now I'm pissed so I'm going to bite this person to express my frustration" type.  The weepy has stopped finally.

My Ears Are Still Ringing

Why I thought it would be a good idea to shower with my daughter, who is deathly afraid of RAIN, would be a good idea is beyond me.