The Peevery

Peeves of Yore: Cleanliness is Overrated Edition

I spent the day not cleaning my apartment like I wanted to but instead struggling with a plugged sink so here are other people's peeves about clean.

Michael has trashy neighbors who let their children leave their toys on his patio.  His cleaning tip: relocate their toys to the trash can.   

Peeved Michelle's cleaning tip is to earn enough money to not only have a housekeeper but a household manager too.  At this moment I would totally love a housekeeper and a household manager.

Jen14221 pondered how clean laundry takes up less space than dirty laundry in one's suitcase. 

Jujubee's secret to a clean house  is sending the boys on a fishing trip. 

KtP recommends to keep a clean fridge, you should not have 4 cartons of bad milk. 

Amy - 1; Squirrels - 0

A layer of small gravel on top of my outdoor container plants' soil has saved my mental health.  Now the neighborhood squirrels aren't digging up my coleus and ipomea and mandrake to store the walnuts they scavenge from the tree next door.  Damn their long tails and stupid twitchy noses!

Reasons Why Bachelors Should Never Host Thanksgiving

1. They don't have ingredients like butter, salt or milk readily available.

2. They will be hungover from a rowdy night before celebration

3. When you point out reasons 1 & 2 they will say things like "Can't you just prep the turkey at my house Wednesday night and I'll toss it in the oven before I go to the game on Thursday morning."

Don't feel sorry for me...

...feel sorry for the turkeys.  Every year around this time, someone asks me if I'm going "home" for the Thanksgiving holidays and every year, I explain that no I'm not because I'm Canadian and Thanksgiving is in October in Canada. And every year, someone says "Oh, I'm sorry" like I just told them that my entire family died. It's not a big deal people. A four day weekend is a sweet deal even if I'm not tryptophaned out on my mother's couch.

Never Fails

My husband and cats are always at their most adorable when it's time for me to haul my ass out of bed in the morning.

Open Peeves

We have a double batch this week because I forgot to post some last week.

A few peeves from Red:

I only got a couple hours sleep last night, mostly on the couch.  It seems that our two-year old has decided that my wife is the only adult allowed to sleep in our bed, and that as the youngest child she is entitled to kick me out.  Then the five-year old must feel left out, so she joins the party.  I wish I would have known that this would happen when we were looking at houses, because the two bedrooms that the kids apparently don't need probably cost me a lot of money that I could have used for a Corvette.  Or at least a sleeper sofa.

---

I think it's hilarious that I can drive about 15 miles down the road from my house, and the gas is 70 cents per gallon cheaper.  This is because our state taxes are not collected by the Native American gas retailers on the Cattaraugus Indian Reservation.  What is not hilarious is that I got a speeding ticket going there last week because the little shit town right before the reservation feels that their patrolmen should set speed traps on a road that changes speed limits 10 times in 10 miles by 10 mph and that at 9:15 pm on a Sunday night they've got nothing better to do than wait for a car to go by doing 56 in a 45.  In the ten minutes I sat there waiting for my ticket, THREE cars went by.  The state will get they're cut one way or another.

---

A message to the owner of that black 1992 piece-of-shit S-10 with bald snow tires, KC Daylighters hanging limply from the roll bar, and a chrome chain-link steering wheel:

Yellow lines about 18 feet long painted parallel about 8 feet apart and perpendicular to another long yellow line on that large area of pavement just outside the front door of our employer outline what are commonly referred to as  “parking spaces”.  So when your POS truck finally stops coughing and the last strains of “Sweet Home Alabama” emanating from your blown speakers finally fade into the distance, the rust falling off of your S-10 should land in only ONE parking space.  Not two or three or four, just ONE.  And if you knew that and you’re just a rebel without a clue, I suggest you go commit a nuisance.  Thanks.

A couple peeves from Erin:

I was ready to run to the ER this morning, convinced I had the advanced stages of colon cancer and was going to die any minute, until the husband called and warned me that we ate red velvet cake last night and that would be the culprit. Crisis averted.

---

Move Along
I can understand if you're driving by your friend or spouse and stop to talk. But if you have somebody behind you (namely, me) and you can't wrap up your conversation within 10 seconds, I will honk my horn at you to keep driving.

This Should Not Be News to Me

Note to self:

30 ounces of Diet Mountain Dew 2 hours before bedtime does not lend  itself to being able to ignore the sound of a snoring/honking bed mate and falling asleep within 90 minutes of getting into bed.

It's the Woman's Job

How come I am the one that is always stuck cleaning the brushes and rollers after painting?  I am tempted to pitch everything and just buy new.

Open Peeves: Why do you celebrate Halloween if you are a Christian?

Just wondering, hyprocrite.

Erin N. has a peeve:

CSI: Georgia style

Dear Husband,

I understand that you are a hunter. I don't like it, but it fuels your machismo, so be it. You crossed the line, though, when you brought home the dead doe on Saturday. While dragging Bambi's mom through the carport, much blood was left on the ground, making it look like a crime scene. I don't appreciate having to step around coagulated deer blood to get in my car.  They make this thing called a hose where water comes out the end - try using it, ok?

Love,
Your overly sensitive wife

Erin F. has a peeve:

I hate toasts at weddings especially when I feel confident to do one, but the english language gets me in such trouble. I just said "Congratulations to Jon and his New Wife.", meaning new in as just married, not new as in I was at his first wedding too. I should have just said her name, now I'm anti-feminist too. UGH.

Red has a few peeves:

Dear Family,

I like to watch sports on TV.  Get over it.  If you average about 3 hockey games per week and 2 football games and throw a couple episodes of "Ghosthunters" and "Dirty Jobs" in there for good measure, that's roughly 16 hours of TV viewership.  That's about 2.5 hours per day.  And usually I go down to the basement to my own little world to do this.

Compare that to 1 hour of Chiller (horror/sci-fi channel) every morning, followed by an hour of cartoons.  Then the hour or two of cartoons after school, followed by a couple hours "Wife Swap" or "Nanny 911" or "You Are What You Eat" or "How Clean Is Your House?" followed by a couple hours of "CSI" or "Law And Order" or "Criminal Minds" or "House" or "Ghost Whisper" or "Bones" or "Eleventh Hour" or what the hell ever.  That's 7 or 8 hours a day.  Turn the thing off once in a while.  And don't act like I'm hogging the TV.

------

I should not be able to identify you by your sneeze from 10 cubicles away.  5 times a day.  Every day.  That's a problem, and I suggest you see a doctor about it.

------

I quit drinking over 4 years ago.  I quit smoking as well.  I have no problem telling people the reasons for that.  I will even agree that the incident that finally galvanized me into quitting those two things may have been a rather painful, embarassing event.  However, I become quite irritated when people quietly intone that it's a gosh darn tragedy that I don't smoke or drink anymore, and they're really sorry it has to be that way.  Like I've been forced into some boring, uneventful life.  Really, it's OK.  I'm not dead, just sober.  It's not bad, just different.

Oh the Injustice!

I have been emailing my sister about Christmas plans and in one of her emails she commented that our dad was mad because I never invite them up here.  Au contraire mon pere!  I have too.  I may not have said "Please come out for Thanksgiving" in those exact words, however on more than one occasion I have said "This is a neat event and you would like it, you should come," to my mother.  She gives me a vague response and that's the end of it. 

Also, it is pretty clear where I get my potential passive-aggressiveness from.  Thanks family!