The Peevery

The Stuff Conundrum

(This peeve is from February 4, but Typepad's been having issues)

We had a housewarming party for our new digs on January 28 (1 short week ago). I spent all of January getting the house in order, unpacking and cleaning and made it with a few hours to spare. In seven days, our house has gone back to looking just as messy and disorganised and unpacked as it did before the party. Where did all this stuff come from? Is my attic leaking boxes back into the house through some secret passageway?

So, how much does he get an hour?

It really makes me want to slap a woman when she says, "My husband is babysitting the kids."

Isn't that called being a father?

I can't wrap my head around why a woman would ever say this.

Apparently, I'm a moron.

My dad said to me today, "Do you know what epiphany means? I just had an epiphany! Do you understand epiphany?"

Yeah, Dad. I've had an epiphany that you're losing your mind.

Snot Rag

My three-year old likes to use me as a human tissue. She'll go in for a hug and wipe her nose across my sleeve or pants in the process. With her perpetual winter cold this goes on daily, and between her snot and my other child's spit up I am not a pretty sight. By the time I get to work in the morning I'm already in need of another change of clothes.

Just say no.

If I ask you for a favor, and you either can't or don't want to do it, then just tell me. Don't ignore four phone calls, two emails, and several texts. It is also irritating when you miraculously pick up your phone the day after said favor is needed and claim you didn't know. It is called "being a grown up" and you should join us here in the real world sometime.

Pin(e)s and Needles

When will the cats finally knock over the Christmas tree? The waiting is driving me crazy.

Family Party at the Hospital!

Not only did my daughter have a trip to the ER on a night when my husband was working late and totally unavailable to be around, but my mom (who stepped in to help by picking up the boys) fell and broke her wrist at the school. I think that bouncing around from pediatric ER to adult ER to waiting room/triage to playroom accounted for a few miles of walking, though, so I got my requisite exercise for the day.

Christmas Shopping is Hard!

My girl friend said she couldn't think of anything to give me for Christmas.  So, in order to help her out here are some excerpts of conversations over the last few days.

Me:  Here is a web site with several lightweight and inexpensive backpacks

She: You already have too many, so I'm not buying you another one.

Okay.

Me: Here is a catalogue called Territory Ahead that has several sweaters that look nice.

She:  No, all their stuff looks lumpy.

Okay.

Me:  Here is an Orvis catalogue.  They have some cool things in there.

She:  No, their stuff is all frumpy and old man like a potato sack.

Okay.

Me:  Here is a circular pizza oven on Amazon.com.  It looks rather infomercially but according to all the good reviews it is a legit product.

She:  No, I don't want to further clutter up the counter space.

If It's Yellow Let Me Gag

Our monthly water bills have increased because of the mind-boggling amount of laundry that the baby produces. Normal people would search for and repair leaky pipes and dripping faucets, adjust water consumption behavior, or install water-saving hardware. Rather than do any of those things, my husband has decided that the best way to conserve water is to adopt the "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" philosophy when it comes disposing of bodily waste. It's just as gross as you'd imagine so I've begun flushing every toilet I walk past, regardless of content.

Fourth time is a charm?

I have lived in my current split-level home for ten years.  Yesterday marks the fourth time my family room has flooded. Not just a tiny amount of water either, no it is  squish up between your toes, splashing-as-you-walk-through-full-on standing water.  In previous situations, our homeowners insurance was no help.  In fact, I am still paying for the last time this happened, when I had to replace a wall and the carpet. (The carpet for the THIRD time).  Thankfully, I was smart enough to change insurance companies, and this time all I have to fork out is my deductible.  The smell of wet carpet is one of the worst smells there is, and I'm stuck until Friday when the disaster clean up people get here.  In addition, there seems to be no rational reason this keeps happening. The sump is working fine. It is as if the water just comes up from the floor.  I need more wine to deal with this.  

Who's The Turkey Now?

Friday night with my family, and my sister was going to meet a friend for drinks at a bar around the corner. She asked if I had any money she could borrow. Being a good sister for once, I gave her ten bucks.

The next day, we're on our way to a craft fair. I ask my sister if she has my money, and am told she "can get it" for me.

Ooookay. We had another 24 hours together, no biggie.

Except when she bought herself earrings at the craft fair. With my money. And didn't thank me. Or offer to pay me back.

Guess we know who won that round.  

Whoa is me.

The dreadlocked cute hippie tile installer guy said that the leak in our brand new shower in our newly renovated and decorated bathroom is strange and unusual. Instead of freaking out as I watched him rip up the new tile, I immediately thought of Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. "I, myself, am strange and unusual." I'm not, really, but it helped.

Je Suis en Désaccord

She: What is on your head?

Me: It is my new beret. Favored headgear of artistic types and intellectuals. I think it looks rather jaunty.

S:No, it looks silly. You are neither artistic nor intellectual. I will not appear in public with you if you are wearing that thing.

Too Many Boys

I have to clean the house for my soon to be six year old's birthday party tomorrow. I just sent a friend home so I could get my two boys settled for the night. The oldest walked his friend home and came home with a different friend.  Now, boys are running and screaming and not making my cleaning chores any easier.  At least there is wine. 

Tiptoe through the tulips.

You know who's an asshole? The person who walked their dog and let it lay a huge steaming dump in my flowers around my mailbox.

Be a responsible pet owner and pick up their shit!

Sleepless in Bowling Green

I have been up since 4 am. The oldest needed his sheets changed and I still lie here awake. It's going to be a long day.

Jesus Candles

My Cuban husband likes to light these candles for good luck.  He also likes to leave them lit when he goes to work, which is completely unacceptable. I've pleaded with him to stop trying to burn the house down but he doesn't listen.  Therefore, I've been forced to mess with his "santeria" superstition by collecting all Jesus candles and hiding them in the kitchen cupboard as I'm too afraid to throw them out.

Done Means Done, Sort Of

I guess I need to explain to my eight year old daughter what "done" means.  When I ask her if her homework is "done" before she goes to bed, she says yes.  Every time.  Then, every morning, she needs to "finish this one thing" and finish filling in her reading journal and oops, she forgot her spelling.  I guess I should be happy that she actually reads every single night for at least an hour, but I'm not a morning person to begin with and having to deal with her last minute things makes me want to replace my morning coffee with Xanax.

It's For Fun, Damn It!

I am a very opinionated person. I was getting into way too many nasty debates on Facebook over topics near and dear to me.  So, I decided for my own sanity I would stop getting into fights on Facebook. I would leave things alone on other people's posts and I would refrain from posting controversial things. I stick to song lyrics, made up haikus or statements about how I live for wine.  I even posted a Facebook note saying I would not debate.  Until today.  I posted I had signed a petition put forth my my favorite Senator.  Then, a snarky response came.  I saw it first thing this morning. I stewed about it all day.  I came home and responded with a factual short rebuttal and now I feel better.  Facebook, it's fun, right?  

Spousal Support

I am utterly peeved that we don't have a garage. Not because we have a car to store, but because my husband has developed a horrible streaming cold and I have no place to exile him until he recovers.

(Baby) Shit Happens

Dear Husband:

 

You don't get a trophy for changing a shitty diaper so stop talking about it like you just won the Superbowl.

 

Sincerely,

kayteadee

Little House On The Parkway

The other day, I ran into my wife in the kitchen of our house. By which I mean I actually bumped into her as she was walking by me. She kept going, muttering "I hate this house" along the way. On the way back through she muttered "this house is too small."

That marked approximately the 8,222,467th and 8,222,468th time she bitched about the size of OUR SMALL 972 SQUARE FOOT HOUSE. I know it's small. Either deal with it or get two more jobs so we can afford a bigger one, but in any case don't bitch about it again or I swear to God that I'll move out to the garage.

Oh, wait, we don't have a garage. Shit.

Slip Sliding Away

My bathtub is the slipperiest surface I've ever experienced. I originally put down cute little fish decals.  Those slid off. I bought boring parrallelograms thinking the fish shapes were the problem.  Nope. the boring parallelograms are also slipping off the tub. Next I'm going to start showering in cleats.   

At least it was dead!

Some people (Jen14221?) may think it harsh of me to yell at my husband for dropping crumbs on the floor, but there is a reason for my OCD insanity. Not only do I hate the feeling of day old food stuck to the bottom of my feet, but I also despise having to sweep up dead cockroaches as I did this morning. Totally gross!!

I don't like cock(roaches).

Cockroaches are a way of life in the South, whether you're the cleanest person in the world or the dirtiest. Martha Stewart would have cockroaches in her house if she lived in Georgia.

I will never get used to these nasty assholes, especially when they fly. They're disgusting, large, and if you step on them, you have quite a mess to clean up. Opening my shower door and seeing one inside it, belly up on the floor, is enough to make me want to run away screaming.

I Cannot RTFM

My long-awaited Espresso Oyster Mushroom growing kit arrived last night!

Without instructions!

 

Lucy's Italian Movie 2: Now with Kittens

Whenever we have grapes as an after-dinner snack, my husband gives the kitten one to play with.

It's so adorable when he bats the grape around like a tiny soccer ball!

It's so much less adorable when I step on it in the dark with my bare feet.

Don't do the crime if your mama can't do the time.

My ten-year-old son got a three-day suspension from the before and afterschool daycare program. What he did was totally wrong and he totally deserves punishment, and I understand the reasoning for a specified suspension length when physical altercations occur. He's very sorry for his inappropriate behavior, but has long since gotten over what caused his own outburst (his ADHD makes it easy to avoid holding grudges) and will not do it again.

Unfortunately, him being out of the program for three days causes much more trouble for me (what with having to go to work late after dropping him at school, and leaving early to pick him up) than it does for him (he can do his homework, read his books and draw in the quiet of our house instead of in a noisy cafeteria).

Just gnarly

First, I come home to a dead rat in the bushes next to my porch.  Now, it looks like some sort of small animal has vomited in my driveway.  It's the remnants of another animal, no less.  

When will the disgusting surpises end?!?  

Also, did I mention that the FedEx guy put a package from P&G (compliments of Blogher '11) right where the dead rat had been laying?  

I'm running out of Lysol.

Seriously.

The water company just came around to say that the water would be off in half an hour and off most of the day. Three of us have to poop and shower.  Looks like someone is going to be stinky today.

Unhappy Friday

Today is our annual happy hour to celebrate everyone's promotions, raises and bonuses. (In our organization, a bonus payment goes to everyone, not just upper management, so we peons use it as an excuse to party.) I've already gotten phone calls from both schools about issues the kids are having today, with promises to update me through the day if anything else goes wrong. I need my children to keep their mood disorders in check today, otherwise I will lose my opportunity for inappropriate coping mechanisms for my own stress!

A Dried Up Old Prune: Plumper Edition

Me: "Blah, blah, blah, because I am still losing weight."

My 13-year-old cousin: "What? You're skinny."

Me: "Um, no. Not really."

My 13-year-old cousin: "Well, for your age, you are."

Bound to Happen Sooner or Later

While unloading the groceries from my car a bag broke and down went the milk and a jar of pizza sauce.  The pizza sauce, of course, broke. After lugging the groceries upstairs, I went back outside to clean up the glass. Then I nearly died of overheating because it is still a bazillion degrees outside and I had gone up and down my apartment stairs several times.

Can't you smell that smell?

Maybe I just have really cheap face cloths and towels, because after about two days of using the same one, it has that smell. That musty, moldy, make-me-gag smell. You know that smell, right?

On the Night Shift

How many pissy little spiders were weaving all fucking night long to create these webs I've been walking into this morning?

All By Myself

My sister who lived in London for a year moved back to Canada this past week. Today, my Facebook feed was full of all three of my sisters discussing their fun and exciting plans for hanging out at our family's lakefront cottage. The whole family will be there except for me and they'll be having a blast.  This is the first time I've felt lonely and left out since moving to England last Fall.

On the other hand, I don't have to worry about leeches, snakes and the crappy septic system at the cottage which will surely buckle under the stress of 10 people all weekend. I may not be with my family, but I don't have to poop in the woods tonight!

How could I not love military life?

While I'm excited to move to Texas, knowing that we'll only be there for 10 months and then moving again to who-knows-where is making me stressed, even though it's not until next summer. I need to chill.

If everything really is bigger in Texas, they better have some fishbowl-sized margaritas ready for me.

Potty Humor

I just found out that while the new toilet was installed in my aforementioned bathroom renovation project, the seat ordered for it is the wrong shape. I will have to wait two more days for the new seat to arrive.

My husband was so excited to poop in the new toilet and he is extremely disappointed and impatient now.

I'm putting him on the punch list!

The contractor on my bathroom renovation project is starting to piss me off.

Holy Walls

My wife was kind enough to inform me this morning that she wants shelves for the living room. She wants to display things without the kids getting hold of them and turning them into sticky pieces of what used to be displayed.  Fair enough. 

The problem is that she rearranges the furniture every three months, and I would then have to move the shelves to new spots and drill new holes for the anchors. At that rate, I'm guessing it will be about a year before my living room will look like Scarface used it for target practice with his "little friend". I'm not sure how this argument will end, other than in my defeat.

Boy Germs!

Low toilet + tall, nearsighted husband = a bathroom floor which will live in infamy.

Think Again

Dear Housemate,

I imagine that you think you are being helpful by taking clothes from the dryer and stuffing them into a basket leaving me to deal with the wrinkled mess, but alas, you are not.

Sincerely,

Hazel, the maid.

 

We Interrupt Your Workday With This Breaking News!

My husband just called from the mall to tell me about the great "As Seen on TV" store he saw. I guess that tidbit of information couldn't have waited for me to come home after work; I needed to break away from completing the materials for the board member orientation session I have to conduct in less than a week for him to talk about a store that has been there for years without him ever noticing it before.

Lady of the Flies

There is seemingly always one fly buzzing around my house. As soon as I kill it, I swear another one appears out of nowhere just to piss me off.

When it rains...

One room in my house is being renovated. Meanwhile, other areas of my house are starting to piss me off. First, the shower broke. Then, the furnace broke. At this point, I have the shower back but not the hot water. I guess I should be grateful that I don't have to do a cold whore's bath in the morning.

I am not efficient.

The bottles of laundry detergent were buy-one-get-one-free. Score.

I got home and noticed that the detergent is HE detergent, specially formulated for the new high efficiency washers. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Fail.

Favouritism

The baby only likes to sleep through the night on the nights when it's my husband's turn to get up with her.

Bad Plant Mommy

I know it's almost impossible to avoid when growing members of the squash family, especially in a coastal region, but I still feel horribly incompetent and irresponsible when my zucchini leaves show even the smallest spot of powdery mildew.

A Method to their madness?

I feel like every time I need new dish soap, Method has yet again changed the packaging. They are very concerned with aesthetics, which I understand and appreciate but they have yet to perfect the functionality of their dishwashing liquid packaging.

Thank You Please

I do not live near anyone right now so when a birthday or Christmas or other gift requiring event comes around, I am sending them or ordering online to be sent directly to the person. Since Christmas I don't think I've gotten a thank you for anything I've sent to anyone (including my parents for their respective days!).  This peeves me on two levels. 1 - It's just rude.  2 - I can't tell if what I ordered actually arrived to the recipient so then I have to ask and then it looks like I'm just asking for a Thank You.