The Peevery

Cotton, 1 - Erin, 0

The humongous wad of cotton I have to dig out of my prescription bottle kicks my ass. I have small fingers yet it still takes me a good amount of time to fish it all out. Is there really not an easier way to do this?

Living MadTV

There's an old MadTV skit with Mo Collins playing an older woman who clears her throat A LOT. That is my boss, all day long. It is very annoying.

Gym Judge!

To the people who are slowly pedaling a stationary recumbent bike while reading back issues of InStyle and Popular Mechanics:  you are not working out. You are barely moving.

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

Waiting for the incipient head cold to hit full force, that is. Right now I've got the low-grade fever with accompanying chills, the slight body aches, and the beginning of pain behind the sinuses. Not sick enough to miss work, and not well enough to get much done. Apparently also not well enough to post a Peeve that is actually interesting.

Some Like It Hot

While washing dishes I seem to have made the water a little warm. In fact, it's scalding.  You would think I would have just added some cool water, but instead I just kept putting my hands in it.  Like a moron.  Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get some skin grafts.  

You're Gross: That's What WebMD Is For

Dear lady working out next to me at the gym...who I DO NOT KNOW,

It is not appropriate to turn to the person next to you (especially if they are a stranger) and ask, "So, like, do you think it's okay for me to be, like, doing such a strenuous workout when I have a yeast infection? It'll be okay, right?"

How the eff would I know if it will be alright? Do I look like a panelist on the talk show, "The Doctors"? Yeah, I didn't think so. Face forward, and shut your trap, lady. You're gross. Now all I can think about is your cottage cheese issue. Thanks, you ruined my workout. And, my love of cottage cheese.

No Swapping Spit Zone

My boyfriend and I both have Sonic toothbrushes. Though we have separate bathrooms, I put a dot of pink nailpolish on mine so that they wouldn't get mixed up.

Except that this morning, in his 4:45ish am funk, on his first day back on day shift, he grabbed my brush.

I'm grossed out by that and will be putting a new brush head on my toothbrush ASAP. As in, tonight.

I'll willingly kiss the hell out of him, but please oh please don't make me share his toothbrush.

Beauty Buzzkill

At the salon, I was flipping through a "Short Hairstyles" magazine while my stylist was starting to cut my hair. She decided that it was time for me to go really short. I didn't really approve that decision before she started to cut all the hair off, but the outcome was good. I felt very chic and different.

A couple of days later, I went to the grocery store, where I saw this fuddy-duddy old dumpy lady with the SAME HAIRCUT. I mean, she was old, at least 50!

Then I realized that I'm not that far from 50. I hoped I wasn't looking into a mirror. I suddenly didn't feel very chic and different.

The Twitch of Doom

For the last three days, I've had the looming feeling that I might suddenly get a wicked leg cramp. I don't know what's more irritating: the uncomfortable twitchy sensation in my legs or the anticipation of the cramp that never comes.

It's My Mouth And I'll Cry If I Want To

I was in the dentist's office for over 2 hours yesterday, getting a filling and a crown done in the same quarter of my mouth. And I cried.

In my defense, I only cried because the dentist LEFT ME with a ton of mold-making goopy stuff in my mouth and told me to bite down, breathe through my nose, and hold it for 7 minutes.

Know what happens when you start dry heaving and retching while trying to keep your mouth closed?

Yeah. You choke. I thought I was going to die. So I hopped up out of that chair, found the dentist, had him take the shit out of my mouth, and commenced with full-body shaking.

I can't believe I'm going to end up paying money for this shit, either.

Family Party at the Hospital!

Not only did my daughter have a trip to the ER on a night when my husband was working late and totally unavailable to be around, but my mom (who stepped in to help by picking up the boys) fell and broke her wrist at the school. I think that bouncing around from pediatric ER to adult ER to waiting room/triage to playroom accounted for a few miles of walking, though, so I got my requisite exercise for the day.

The Itchy Phase

The six stitches in my hand have reached that phase where they ITCH. I can't scratch them. Oh holy cow they itch. Seriously with the itching.

The new term is annual "pissed-off woman" exam.

I had my well woman exam this morning. I got to tromp through the rainy parking lot for the privilege of being poked, prodded, squeezed and scraped (and, because I am 40, given a referral for a mammogram!) For a "well" woman exam, it sure causes some unwell feelings.

Discombobulated

Every once in awhile I have a dream where I'm crying. I spend the whole dream just sobbing. That's already annoying enough. But usually the next day I spend the whole day feeling not quite right. Today, as a result of the crying dream, I've got the wickedest headache and am just generally feeling off. Thank goodness I'm on vacation starting at 5!

You're So Vain

I woke up this morning with only one contact lens in my eye. The other somehow fell out during Slumbertime.

I called the BF in to help me look and neither of us could find it, so the second my eye place opened, I called for a replacement.

Three hours later, I found my lens. The eye place doesn't know if they can cancel my order since it's already been placed and I've already been charged (the $140 it costs for one freaking lens).

They're going to call me back and let me know for sure, but I'm really not holding my breath.

It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

I used the last bit of a bottle of shower gel this morning. I'll be using the remnants of the bottle of similarly scented lotion for the foreseeable future. Why? Because Bath and Body Works can't package their products so that you finish the bottle of shower gel and lotion in the same decade. 

Paging Dr. Kegel

If I have an ounce of urine in my bladder, it will always, always escape when I sneeze.

Our team name is "Two runners and a slackass."

I joined a holiday fitness challenge at work in which we form teams of 2-3 people and each person commits to (a) exercise at least 30 continuous minutes on at least 3 days each week and (b) gain no more than 2 pounds by the end of the challenge in mid-January. My two team consists of my boss and my sister, both of whom are big weekend runners and take spin classes and work with personal trainers and such. The most exercise I get these days is walking half a block when the cupcake truck comes to the office.

The good news is that these fit folks are on my team, not working against me. Three days into the challenge, however, they've already made me look back by fullfilling their exercise requirements for the whole week.

Are my eyebrows really that unruly?

This has happened to every single eybrow brush I have ever owned. WHY???

View this photo

I'm Too Young To Lose My Mind!

I finally remembered the date of an event I've been trying to remember.

But now I've forgotten why I wanted to remember it in the first place.

 

And Leon's Getting Larger...*

My weight is pretty stable but I'm almost positive my FUPA is growing.

*

Combo Platter

Most people with combination skin have a little bit of oil on their nose and forehead (the infamous "T-zone") and a little dryness on their cheeks. My particular skin's combination is bacon-grease slick plus #50-grit sandpaper.

Leave it to me to have a bipolar face.

I do believe this is worse than 'Curl Up & Dye'

It's Monday, and I have had a few moments where I have wanted to drop kick someone in the neck. However, I'm guessing I'm having a better day than 99% of the people who voluntarily entered this establishment...

Stumpiness

To paraphrase what the late great Mr. Blackwell once said about Helena Bonham Carter, I find my lack of a neck disturbing.

Oil Slick

My skin has gone from normal to oily and greasey in the T-zone in the last week. I haven't had a pimple since I was 15 and now I've got two. Having an effective, reliable skin care regimine in place has been suddenly undone. There are certain things you count on mostly staying the same in like, like your overall complexion.  I don't even know what to do with this oily mug of mine. 

Fix Your Face

If I look at your LinkedIn profile pic and think, "Dude, why are you so mad at me," you need to do two things. First, get botox on your ||. Second, change your damn picture.

Spousal Support

I am utterly peeved that we don't have a garage. Not because we have a car to store, but because my husband has developed a horrible streaming cold and I have no place to exile him until he recovers.

It wasn't on my bucket list.

I made it 37 years and 4 months without getting stitches - until yesterday. While helping the husband lift a stove off the back of his truck, I unwittingly grabbed the metal lip of the underside, thus causing what the doctor deemed a "deep and jagged cut." Six stitches on the underside of my middle finger and a tetanus shot later, I'm pretty sure I'm going to live.

Typing this took me a LONG time, FYI.

Painful Consequences of Forgetting Tape/Band-aids/Bodyglide

Red elevens.

Bellyaching

I was so excited about my bellydancing class. I went to my third class only to find the class was cancelled. Not just one class, the entire future of the class. I'm glad I didn't rush out to buy a little jingly hip scarf thingy. I'm so pissed off.

Toe Tag

I get regular pedicures. The only time my toenails are polish-less is for the few minutes between polishes during the pedicure. Recently, I haven't had time to go in to my regular nail peeps and I refuse to polish my own nails for various reasons, including my FUPA. No wonder I always wear polish! I realized that when my nails are naked, my feet look exactly like those of a corpse. Seriously, open-toed show are not an option until I get this situation under control.

Mulattoe

I did a lot of walking while in San Diego. And because I'm an idiot, I came home with a fanTAStic blister on my pinky toe.

That blister turned into a patch of darker colored, probably cancerous skin. So not only do I have two webbed toes (on the same foot, even), but now it looks like my pinky toe got beat to death on its way home from the market.

I'm changing my name to Methuselah

I hit a landmark birthday this year. It, however, is a few decades too early for me to get e-mails from the mobility experts at The Scooter Store or special deals for arthritis drugs. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to chase some whippersnappers off my lawn so I can make it to the early bird special at the local diner.

NOT Healthy

Have you seen the cover of Women's Health?

 
I'm willing to accept that she might be naturally skinny, and/or that she's been photoshopped to death, but I have no desire to look like that.

Have you seen the cover of Men's Health?

 
He looks like a vampire. Or a zombie. Or some other pasty-faced creature whose name escapes me.

So Many Reasons

I would have called in sick and wallowed in bed all day except for two reasons. First, it is my boss's last day. Second, my new boss scheduled a meeting with me to discuss the transition to her team.

Shortly after I came in, the new boss told me the meeting is postponed until Monday. Pretty soon after that, the old boss told me he extended his last day until next Wednesday.

Oh, and the air conditioning is out and my office is sweltering.

Quitting time is at noon today.

Good Weight, Bad Farts

I'm doing Weight Watchers because I put on an embarassing amount of weight while pregant that didn't miraculously melt away. The good news is that I'm within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. The bad news? Healthy eating habits make me fart like a monkey at the zoo. I nearly asphixiated myself driving to work this morning. 

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel

My GP is much more excited about me getting a cervical smear than I am about making the appointment for it. I have received three reminder letters so far. Strangely, they have yet to send me a "come in for a regular check-up" letter, despite the fact that the only time I ever set foot in their office was to register with them. I'm not sure how I feel about someone I've never met so vigourously attempting to get into my business.

On the Current State of Jogging

Noted from recent trips to the park:

• I-Pod + ear buds
• Aerodynamic sunglasses
• Belt with water bottles
• GPS watch
• Shorts with multiple pockets containing energy gels
• Nylon cap
• Compression sleeves for the calves
• Vibram Five Fingers

This is called "minimalist running".

So, that's where all those nachos went!

I just joined a gym. Again. Yeah, we'll see how long this lasts. In the meantime, I'm trying to get the hang of the elliptical machine, in a room where I'm surrounded by mirrors that show every angle of my body working that elliptical.

I am shocked to see my big square ass in motion. It's motivating but kind of disgusting.

Nature is Overrated

I went hiking on Saturday. I got bitten THREE times by what google has revealed to me to be deer flies. I now have three itchy, yellow oozing spots on my arms.  They are gross! Next time I will be sporting Deet.

Get a life, lady.

There's a new commercial for toilet paper that shows a woman with binoculars, looking into her neighbor's bathroom window. She's upset because the toilet paper has no cover on it. Here's what irks me about this commercial:

1. Why the hell is she peering into her neighbor's bathroom window? That's creepy and disgusting.

2. Is a toilet paper cover/box really necessary? Do people really keep a spare roll right on top of the tank?

3. And if they do, who cares?

It's a stupid commercial.

I can't feel my chonch

My skin is very easily irritated from shaving. So my sister, said, "Duh, use Bikini Zone." "Oh yeah," I thought. I had forgotten it existed. So I bought some and went to use it today post-shave. First of all, it has a child-proof-type cap where you have to push down and twist to open and I struggled with that for a moment. When I finally opened it, I set the tube down on the counter for a minute to grab something. It says "medicated cream" so I thought it would be the consistency of, say, Cortisone. Imagine my horror when I discovered it was actually a thin, clear liquid that immediately spilled all over the counter. In a moment of panic, I tried to salvage as much as I could, smearing it all over my "bikini zone" since it was way too thin and runny to try to get any back in the tube. That is quite a numbing agent. I hope I will one day regain sensation in my Erykah Ba-dooosh.

Sometimes it's just too easy

To the young lady who is parked in front of my office window:

I always pass judgement on people, and you are no different. However, you just made it a bit more easy than victims past. The structure you are standing with in 2 inches from is not a mirror. It is, in fact, a window. On the other side of this window is me. Juice. In a meeting. Sadly, we are unable to conduct a proper and productive meeting since you are adjusting your bra while flashing your nasty cigarette teeth, wiping last nights "working girl red" lipstick off of your grill. Feel free to grow any sort of brain and realize we can see you.

Sincerely,

Juice

P.S. Your two-toned FORD PROBE is the ugliest piece of metalic shit I've ever seen. And take that nasty sequined garter belt off of your mirror. Gross.

Call Me Huffing-ton

I sprayed dry shampoo in my hair and most of it landed on my face and then I inhaled a big mouthful of it. I don't know what chemicals are in this shit to make it work, but huffing it is way worse than breathing in regular hair spray.

Wet Wet Wet

Rest in peace, beloved hairdryer. I'll always remember your beauty, your spirit, and your amazingly-timed demise, right before I had to go to work this morning. Well done!

A Dried Up Old Prune: Plumper Edition

Me: "Blah, blah, blah, because I am still losing weight."

My 13-year-old cousin: "What? You're skinny."

Me: "Um, no. Not really."

My 13-year-old cousin: "Well, for your age, you are."

Tubular Boobular

The good news: I've lost 20 pounds!

The bad news: now none of my bras fit, and I must enter the circle of Hell reserved for bra shopping.

Bra shopping at Lame Giant, no less.

A Dried Up Old Prune

You know that part in When Harry Met Sally where Sally freaks out about turning 40, except she's only 37? I turn 37 in this month. Sally, I totally get it.

Squinty McOw

Damn farm country. The harvesting that's taking place is stirring up all sorts of shit that is aggravating my allergies.

I really only get allergy symptoms in my eyes, which means I am rubbing them all the time, even though I know rubbing my eyes just dislodges eye lashes (which may still be wearing vestiges of Saturday night's mascara), which disrupts my contacts, which makes me hurt.

Ow. Sniff. Ow. Sniff. Is it winter yet?

Stick it where the sun don't shine.

Is there really a need for advertisers to show women's feminine products in all their blazing white glory (besides those new colored tampons ... really?) on commercials and in magazines? Like we don't all know what they look like?

I'm getting sick of listening to my 12-year-old son proclaim "Ewwww" every time a commercial comes on.