The Peevery

I've turned into a monkey!

Driving in my car, I wondered what that smell was. 

In the back seat I found a plastic bag of black banana peels. Lots of them. Then I realized I ate an unusually large bunch of bananas this week.

Saving the Earth and My Thighs

Bravo, Frito Lay, for making a 100% compostable bag for my beloved French Onion Sun Chips. Not only will it save the Earth, but, seeing as any light touch on the bag makes it sound like the grand finale of a fireworks show, this will curb my eating in bed so as not to wake the husband - and the entire neighborhood.

Kinda Rubbery

I don't like it when I microwave soft corn tortillas.  I think they get weirdly rubbery. 

(I had to microwave them, I'm at work.  We don't have a stove.)

Food Injury

I had the most delicious Vietnamese style sandwich for lunch yesterday but the baguette it was made with was so crusty that it cut up the roof of my mouth. I thoroughly enjoyed the sandwich but now I am sad that my mouth hurts.

Dry Like the Sonora

I am parched.

I could drink a gallon of water right now. 

But I would find the constant pee breaks annoying. 

This Looks Unlucky

I like frosting possibly more than the next person, but this looks disgusting:

Lenten Reflection

The biggest cheeseburger craving in the whole world always strikes me on Ash Wednesday. 

Too Sticky

Usually when making muffins I use the foil muffin liners.  On Sunday when I made them I was at a friend's house and used her paper liners.  Fast forward to today when I was trying to take the paper off the muffins and leaving 1/2 of it stuck to the muffin.  Stupid gluten-free muffins.

Just One at a Time, Please

Individually wrapped prunes.

Bulleted peeve list about individually wrapped prunes:

• Don't try to tell me these are "dried plums." I know they are prunes.
• Children will still not think prunes are "nature's candy." They will be ridiculed if you put them in their lunchboxes.
• Am I going to throw a handful of individually wrapped prunes in my bag?
• Will one prune make me farty?
• Does the environment really need us to wrap each prune individually?
• Will old people eat individually wrapped prunes during movie matinees, causing even more crinkling-wrapper sounds during hot sex scenes? Will they need to make a choice between either a butterscotch lozenge or a prune in a movie theatre?

Cafe Douche

A couple of us Peevers had an annoying restaurant experience on our recent weekend getaway. Some of us Yelped it, some of us Tweeted it, and I sent the restaurant an email. Below is the diplomatic message I sent to them, followed by my translation.

Dear Cafe Douche,
 
I hope you have weathered the ice storms well. I was fortunate to visit your fair city during nice winter weather, and my friends and I enjoyed dinner at the Cafe. The food and drinks were delicious. However, I just checked with my credit card company and my account was not charged for my bill which was split among my party.
 
Since I signed the receipt and the agreement for payment wasn't followed I am very concerned. What you did, erroneously, was charge one member of my party for the entire bill. This amount was debited from her checking account. This isn't the amount she agreed to pay either. Imagine the problems this is causing for us! 

I am not sure how to remedy this situation. I believe you have been contacted by phone about this confusion.  Thank you for addressing it.

Translation:

Dear Cafe Douche:

So what, you had an ice storm, get over it. Why aren't you open? I was there about two weeks ago. The food and drink were good but the service sucked. And you screwed up the bill.

I'm pissed off because you screwed up the bill. You're idiots. You could have caused a lot of problems for my new friend.

This isn't the way to manage a business. I will not be ignored. Are your phone lines down, too?  Thank you for fucking off.

It's Not A Hangover!

I went out last night to watch the Buffalo Sabres lose to the Pittsburgh Penguins, and drank six or seven non-alcoholic beers.  I was in bed before midnight, and got a fairly decent night's rest.  So why do I feel like absolute shit today?  I feel just like I used to after a twelve hour "Sports Saturday" drinking fest.  THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

Give Up the Funk

Something in my refrigerator smells terrible and I can't figure out what it is.  I tossed out all the old and sad looking vegetables, and any left overs.  Even a few things in sealed jars.

Not really green at all.

I don't think that using reusable dishes instead of disposable dishes is a greener alternative at work. To support my hypothesis, I present two scenarios:

Scenario 1

My husband makes me scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach and puts them on a (recycled) paper plate. I don't have time to eat them. I put some plastic wrap over them and take them with me to reheat and eat at work. I eat the eggs. I throw away the plate and the plastic wrap.

Scenario 2 (which really happened)

My husband makes me scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach and puts them in a microwave-safe ceramic bowl. I don't have time to eat them. I put some plastic wrap over them and take them with me to reheat and eat at work. I eat the eggs. I throw away the plastic wrap. I wash the bowl in the sink. The cheese is really stuck on. I use more water than necessary because there is no drain plug in the sink. I use three paper towels to dry the bowl because there is no dish rack and the paper towels are the useless, 100% recycled brand.

It appears to me that Scenario 1 is actually the greener scenario because I wouldn't have wasted so much water. I also wouldn't have wasted so much of my time, so I will ask my husband to put my eggs on a paper plate from now on.

Same damn thing

It irritates me when restaurants charge more for the same lunch menu items at dinner time. I've had the exact same burger in the exact same restaurant at both lunch and dinner and they charge $6 more for it at dinner. The portion isn't any bigger, it's exactly the same. Annoying.

Suck It, Duncan Hines

These are the directions on the Duncan Hines Chocolate Lover's Brownies box:

* Preheat oven to 350 degrees for metal pan, 325 degrees for dark or coated pan.

I have a glass pan. Where are the directions for that? And what if I had a dark metal pan?

All Gone

I used to order gluten-free granola bars from Canada.  Apparently they are no longer gluten-free.  How sad for me.

Dunkin Downer!

Both of the Dunkin Donuts within walking distance to my home and my work suck ass.

The donuts are stale, the coffee is yucky, and the staff is inexperienced.  So if I want to get fresh DD donuts and yummy DD coffee, I have to drive to the Dunkin that is totally out of the way for either destination.

Not that I eat many donuts, but I brought Munchkins to a Munchkin-lover and they tasted like styrofoam. Not that I eat styrofoam, but what I'd imagine styrofoam would taste like.

Taco-Flavored Sushi?

My son was sleeping over at his friend's house, so I decided the husband and myself would go out and do something. I hadn't had Japanese food in a long time, so I found a restaurant and we went.

I didn't mind that we waited 45 minutes to be seated, it was a Saturday night. I didn't even care our waiter was on drugs and shook like a dog shitting razor blades.

What got my goat was when our chef came over to our table with his cart to prepare our Japanese cuisine, he was not Japanese. He was Hispanic.

This has nothing to do with anyone's race. I guess I figured if I was eating at a Japanese restaurant, it would be cooked by a Japanese chef. My bad.

My friends really get me.

My friend and former Peever, David, posted a link to this on Twitter for me. There has never been a more accurate depiction of my personality and my ideal world. For god's sake, she even has the same hair I do.

You can find this comic and 1,500 others by Natalie Dee at www.nataliedee.com. This one is titled, "MW i don't care what you eat tell me about it again I will eat YOU." Am I in love with Natalie Dee? I think I might be.

Mmm.. Salmonella. Taste's Like Chicken!

I bought "fresh" chicken at the grocery store today.  The "fresh" chicken was frozen.  This wouldn't be a real problem for me since I was buying the chicken to put in the freezer for future use anyway, HOWEVER, I needed to break down the packages because each one held four breasts.  In package one I could totally pull the chicken breasts apart and package them individually for future use.  In package two I could not.  I had to partially thaw the chicken in order to get them apart for individual packaging.  If I'm suddenly ill sometime next week or the following y'all will know why. 

Good plans gone bad

I'm back at work after almost two-and-a-half weeks away.  In my time at home, I sat on my ass, watched a lot of bad TV, drank like a fish and ate a ton of shit.  I was dying to get back to Philadelphia, to my hotel room, to a gym, to a place where there are not plates and plates of cookies and bottles of Malbec calling my name from the other room.

And today I came back to work and I ate candy and drank soda and when someone asked me to go out or drinks tonight I said "Hell Yes!"

Christmas Gift Baskets: Discuss.

Do you like receiving Christmas gift baskets? Not the really good ones full of maple syrup and big yummy sausages, but the ones that have little boxes of peanut brittle, table water crackers, weird flavors of hot chocolate mix, room temperature processed cheese food spread, and lots of hard candies? And the items are all held together with that booger-glue?

You know the first thing you do is paw through the box and make judgments on each item. This is crap, I want that, where's the sausage...

If you're in an office receiving a big shared basket you probably hear the following:

• I'm opening those cheese crackers right now! Nom nom nom
• Isn't there any GOOD chocolate in there?
• Awesome, now I don't have to go to lunch, I'll just eat this peppermint bark!
• I call the basket! I want the basket when it's empty!

My dining room table is covered with gift basket detritus. My husband insists on keeping everything, even the peanut brittle. I know the lame gift basket goodies will just sit around half-eaten until January.

Malaise

Or, as I like to call it, the boo-fucking-hoos.

• My stomach hurts.
• My head hurts.
• I can't eat.
• I'm not sleeping.
• My bariatric surgeon is moving to New Orleans.  And he appears to have put on about 50 pounds.
• All my grandparents are dead.
• I'm old.
• I'm mad at my husband.
• My kid wet the bed last night.

Poor me!

Green

I do not like green peppers. They do not taste good to me.

That's Not What I Want

This morning I took some hamburger out of the freezer thinking I would have sloppy joes for dinner tonight.  Just now I looked at the hamburger and thought, 'I totally don't want this for dinner tonight.'  I hate it when I do that.  Think I will make shephard's pie instead.

What Kind of Idiot...

Thinks, 'oh I'll go to the Student Center for lunch and have a salad,' even though they close down for the holiday starting at 1:45 today and are probably trying to get rid of the last of stuff?

This kind of idiot.  My lunch was distinctly not good.

Minty Not-So-Fresh

Pro:  Gift basket full of holiday candy!

Con: The candy canes have tainted the chocolate.  Now everything tastes minty.  Mint-scented caramel and cappucino truffles are very, very wrong. 

Does This Look Edible, Honey?

It's been five days since my husband returned from overseas, so it's kind of hard to find anything to be peeved about. Everything is sunshine and kittens.

BUT, since he's been home,I've been tapping into my domestic side again, and cooking real meals instead of hitting the buttons on the microwave. That said, I've been using the Deen brothers cookbook (Paula's sons) and have a hard time cooking anything without the picture of what it's supposed to look like when all is said and done. I'm a sucky cook as it is, and without a picture on every recipe, I'm flying blind.

Gee, my hair smells terrific!

I don't wash my hair every day.

Therefore, my hair smells like my mother-in-law's kitchen last evening: fried potato pancake grease and vapors. 

And, therefore, my hair smells DELICIOUS and I want to eat it.

Reader Peeves

Jamie has some holiday peeves. Did you know that the prolific Reader Peever, Jamie, is the same person as commenter SquiggleJay? Me neither, until today.

1. If I hear that god-awful “Christmas Shoes” song one more time, I’m converting to some religion with no Christmas OR shoes.
2. I got roped into baking Christmas cookies with mom-in-law and possibly-future-sis-in-law (bro-in-law’s girlfriend). I hate baking cookies. And I suck at it.
3. Still “need” to decorate/put up tree/shop for gifts. Or just move across the country.
4. No matter what I do, Christmas will disappoint me and crush my inner child a little more this year. Never fails.

Have peeves? Send them to peevedmichelle at yahoo dot come

Balls!

While at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, I made brandy balls (which should be ready in time for Christmas) and this inspired me to make another batch when I got home to San Diego. I made them on Saturday and was soooo proud of myself until yesterday, when I noticed the unopened bag of powdered sugar I had bought. Yes, I made the entire double batch but forgot to put in the required two cups of powdered sugar. What is wrong with me???

*Side Note: When you make brandy balls, you have to let them sit for a few weeks in a cookie tin to "merry up." I don't know exactly what that means, but it has something to do with the alcohol. Thus, I have not tasted my balls and I don't know yet how foul they will taste without sugar. OK, really I just wanted to type "I have not tasted my balls."

Me Soul on Fire

How the hell do Asian restaurants make the soup so hot?

Last night I went and bought some soup to bring home.  It was about 10 minutes to get home, then I put the soup on the counter for about another 10 minutes. Finally I sat down to eat it and burned the crap out of my tongue.  Now everything tastes like that Red Rooibos tea.

Crunch, Crunch, Kill

One of my nearby coworkers is eating chips.

Reader Peeves

Bachamer has a peeve:

Economy must be getting to dentists

Today at work, we were given a huge plate with lots of yummy cookies.  This in itself isn’t much of a surprise since we always have plenty of food here.  What did surprise me was the fact that this was from a local dentist.  Hmmmmh ….   Later I discover a toothbrush, tooth paste, floss and a business card in my inbox (along with all other employees) from the same dentist.

Is the economy so bad that they have to send out sugary treats to recruit patients?

What’s next?   An Orthopaedic Surgeon going around with a steel bar breaking knees to get more patients for knee replacements?

Jamie has a peeve:

I always organize my stuff on the conveyor belt dealie at Walmart . That way I can just take the bags containing kitchen stuff to the kitchen, bathroom stuff upstairs to the bathroom, laundry stuff downstairs, etc. The stupid girl bagging my stuff this weekend was obviously oblivious to the neat little collections of items I’d arranged and started randomly throwing stuff in bags while whirling that stupid little lazy susan bag caddy thing around. There were plastic containers in with dog toys, toilet paper in with fabric softener. I had to take everything out of the bags and re-bag it all in the car. Goddammit. Plus I’d gotten this shoe rack thing so when I have my 32 (!!!) guests over on Thanksgiving, there’s somewhere for them to put their shoes. The stupid cashier wasn’t paying attention to the conveyor thing and didn’t move it forward so my shoe rack would fit. I tried to balance it up there anyway because I needed to walk forward (the a-holes behind me were creeping up and I hate people standing behind me). It fell off the conveyor and made a loud noise, waking up the baby in cart of said a-holes. They glared at me like it was my fault. I hate holidays/ stores/ people/everything.

Picky Picky

I don't know why it peeves me so but I really hate when people have a zillion special requests for their $1 cheeseburger at fast food restaurants. Unless you're going to keel over dead if your lips touch a pickle, just pick the damn things off.

I'm sensitive to people with food allergies and restrictions but some of the random ordering at fast food places is just ridiculous.

Three things I need

• Rum, for hot mulled cider
• Birthday wrapping paper
• To take a shower, since I have a girly-parts doctor's appointment in about an hour

PTSD: Post-Thanksgiving Stress Discussions

Please share your Thanksgiving peeves.  And yes, it's a given, coming back to work today (especially when it's a gross rainy Monday) just sucks. 

Erin, I know your post-Thanksgiving peeve already (turkey farts.)  That's pretty good, but here's mine:

My in-laws hosted Thanksgiving dinner. Their kitchen sink and dishwasher broke down right before we arrived. Also, their coffee maker exploded, splattering coffee grounds everywhere.  Thankfully, Mother-in-law asked us all to leave instead of helping with clean-up. I think because she was close to having a nervous breakdown about having to wash dirty turkey dishes in the bathtub and she wanted to do it privately.  Oh yeah, and the water pressure in the bathrooms wasn't so great either. Ew.

I've challenged you. Give it your best shot. I'm sure you can beat me.

Two Words

Turkey farts

Miso Crazy

I often eat lunch at the same, mellow, quiet sushi restaurant each week. The staff plays music that they probably think is soothing. However, it's the new-age-muzak-instrumental version of George Michael's Faith album, and it's on the same time cycle every day.

I kid you not.

I often sing "I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet got no rhythm..." during the soup course.  That's Careless Whisper. The song Faith comes up during the sushi combination plate. "Well I think it would be nice, if I could touch your body..." 

After the 23rd time hearing this, I'm about to lose my faith in the place.

Cheap > Service

I had crappy service today at Dominicks. The cashier was distracted and kept looking at the lane behind her, which made her forget what she was doing in her own aisle. The bagger didn't seem to realize what she was there to do. And though that's my primary grocery store and I recognize the workers there, I always feel somewhat slighted that they never seem to remember me. Also, the manager/guy in charge actually had the following conversation with me:

KtP: Why do you sometimes carry Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper but not all the time?

Guy: Well, if there's a shelf tag, we carry it. Everything needs a shelf tag.

KtP: Okay, (nods), but sometimes you have the product and sometimes you don't. I'm just wondering why, so I know when to come and buy it.

Guy: Well, it needs a shelf tag. I can check and see if there's one up.

After that, I rolled my eyes and left, with approximately one dozen orange, round, "Thank you for shopping at Dominicks" sticker on everything conceivable. It's like they think someone was actually looking to see whether I thieved a 12-pack.

One Good Turn deserves another

Last night I went out to a local joint to get some food for takeout, and I had a beer while waiting.  The waitress/bartender gave me the tab showing $15.  After she took my credit card and handed me the slip to sign, the total was $8.75.  I asked her if that was right, and she apologized, and went and swiped my card again to charge the correct $15.   When I got home, I realized they stiffed me and left out the chips and queso from my order (that were paid for).  I was too hungry to go back and fix it.   I kind of regret leaving a large tip though.

Coffee Douchery

Hi!

My name is Naomi!  I just spent $169.95 on this new platinum Keurig brewing system. Now I can brew my own delicious robust rich single cups of gourmet coffee all by myself without having to converse with those annoying baristas. I just buy like a hundred little cups of single serving sized coffee and I have here a cute little countertop stand to hold the cute little coffee cups. I just love it, don't you?  Keurig's competitors advertise through BlogHer's network here on this very site you are reading. Really, if you don't have a Keurig or a similar model sold by another manufacturer, you don't know what you're missing. Or, maybe you do know, but you're puzzled by this hugely popular coffee trend and you don't really give a shit.  Drink up!

Funny!

I have complained about this before, but it keeps happening, and now I have visual evidence to present.

Every week I have to clean up garbage that drifts into my yard. Every week I find an empty Funyuns bag.  Never Doritos, Fritos or Cheetos -- Funyuns.  We don't eat Funyuns.  Who eats Funyuns?  And why is the Funyun-eater such a litterbug?

Emotional Dumping

For the first week my boyfriend is out of town for work, I cannot stop eating. And we're not talking carrot sticks, folks.  Unfortunately, Halloween fell smack in the middle of that first week and I've been inhaling all of the left-over chocolate candy.  I've eaten so much chocolate in the last 3 days that my poop has turned brown.  Oh, wait....

What a Waste!

I just cleaned out my fridge and freezer and threw out at least four boneless skinless chicken breasts that I had cooked and never ate, three jars of pizza sauce and two cartons of milk from the fridge.  From the freezer I threw out some hamburger meat, a sausage, more chicken, some ham, three different packages of taquitos and quite a bit of frozen baked goods.  Clearly I need to eat at home more often.   

Commencing boring lunch in 3...2...1...

I finished my lastest book on the Kindle last night. I haven't bought the next book I'm planning to read yet, so I left the Kindle at home. So dumb. Half the point of the Kindle is that you can buy books wirelessly from Amazon. It takes like 20 seconds from start to finish. Now what am I going to do at lunch time? Talk to someone?

Related: The Kindle is my husband's and I do love it, but now I am thinking maybe I need a Nook.

Is It Really Worth It?

I have a cool new coffee maker with a built-in bean grinder and program mode that allows me to have coffee from freshly-ground beans when I get up in the morning.  So far, I've had hot water in the morning, coffee ready to drink at 6 pm and coffee all over my kitchen. 

I need my red curry chicken!!!

I'd been craving my favorite Thai food, Siamese Basil in Encinitas. I planned to meet my friend for dinner. Then she texted me that they are CLOSED and will be CLOSED for the next four Tuesdays. There was just a sign on the front window, no reason given. WHYYYYYYY? We ate at the place next door, but my heart is still weeping.

Baby's Got Sauce

Do you know what happens when your wife doesn't rinse the spaghetti sauce out the sauce pan before placing it into the dishwasher?  All of your nice new plastic baby bottles turn orange and it makes the formula contained therein look pretty sick.  Seriously, I'm going to have to buy new bottles, because these look like crap now.   

Do you know me at all?

My husband and daughter walked around Beverly Hills while I was getting my hair cut. When they picked me up, my husband told me that they saw a cupcake place owned my Kim Kardashian. I looked around, but I did not see any cupcakes in the car. I was incredulous. "You didn't get me a Kim Kardashian cupcake?! After ten years together, do you even know me at all?" He gave me some blah blah hooplah about being all hot and sweaty. Apparently, male vanity got in the way of my Kim Kardashian cupcake.