The Peevery

Pick One. Not That One.

Yes, you twee food blogger, there is a difference between "macaroon" and "macaron." And yes, you've been using the wrong one since the day you became the very first person in the whole world to decide that macarons are OMGthe new cupcakes.

I would sentence you to a lifetime of Velveeta and Oreos, but I fear you'd only turn them into some kind of ironic cobbler. With bacon.

You're not fooling anybody

Dear Colleague,

Just because an actual sound doesn't come barreling out of your mouth, I can still smell your rank ass tuna fish sandwich burp. Seriously, who do you think you're fooling? It's tuna fish! You're gross, and I feel sorry for your wife, who...actually, I don't feel sorry for your wife. It was her decision to marry a tuna fish silent burp machine.

Sincerely,

Grossed out Juice

P.S. Fingering the tuna that falls onto your plate from the bread makes me want to throw up. Use a fucking fork, man!

Things I Hate Right Now

• Any song by Genesis
• My personal training sessions
• Christmas cookies
• My wide feet
• Christina Applegate's character in Up All Night
• Thinking about going back to work after holiday break

Attn: Sam the Butcher

Dear Sam:

Stop tucking pieces of fat underneath the slabs of beef I buy on occasion. I know you're trying to get more bang for your brisket, more ching for your chuck roast, but I'm on to you and pissed off. I'm withholding all sexual favors.

Signed,

Alice*

*from The Brady Bunch, remember?

Gastronomic Justification

I firmly contend that breaking cookies in half before I eat them will cause some of the calories to leak out. Also, oatmeal-toffee chip cookies (as well as oatmeal molasses bread) are healthy because they have oatmeal in them, and everyone knows that oatmeal is good for your heart. Forget about the butter and sugar I used to make them; the oatmeal cancels it all out.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Too Much Tuna

I like tuna fish, and inevitably end up with tuna juice on my hands when I drain it from the can.

But ... my hands end up smelling like dead fish for the rest of the day, regardless of how many times I wash my hands.

Mandatory Vacation

I'm hourly at my new gig, which is nothing new for me, but the IT Department where I now work basically shuts down for Thanksgiving week and I can't bill for 'working from home', which I did for the last four years in a row at my last gig.

On the plus side, I am home for a week and I am slowly eating through the contents of my pantry, freezer and fridge!  Mooooooooooo.

The Extra B is for BYOBB

Last night was the second night in a row that I had to change my pyjamas before going to bed. 

Both times I had barbecue sauce on my shirt.

I would have cut you

Dear Dipshit D-Bag Cashier,

While I appreciate the fact that I was able to check out quicker because the woman in front of me furiously ejected herself from your line, and moved to a different one... I really wish it would have been under different circumstances.

In the future, when the only two items a woman has to purchase in your checkout line is Chocolate Ice Cream and Tampons, DO NOT say, "Wow! Must be a bad day, huh?"

Sincerely,

Every woman on the whole entire planet

No Cuts

Dear Sneaky Bitch:

I've been standing in this horrifically long, slow coffee line playing with my phone but my peripheral vision works just fine. That's why I told you to go to the back of the line and rolled my eyes when you said that you had been there the whole time. You weren't so suck it up and wait like the rest of us.

Sincerely,

kayteadee 

 

 

Sobering Calculations

Possible reasons why a 250mL glass of a particular wine is £5, but the whole bottle (750mL) is £15.85:

1. The bottle is actually more than 750mL, but the restaurant failed to note this on the menu (not likely)
2. Drunk people can't do math

Teacycling - a Poem for Novotel Bristol

Weekend away in celebration, anniversary vacation

Breakfast buffet at the hotel, the 4-star Bristol Novotel

"Coffee, tea or juice?", ask they, "Tea for me, please!", "Right away!"

So far so good, the food is nice, my tea arrives... something's not right

The 2-cup pot is just half-full, and strangely is not hot, but cool

Also, it's quite overbrewed, a British no-no, nearly rude

There we have strikes one, two, three - this was someone else's tea!

Gross.

Drawn and Quartered

The drink machine in our office has apparently decided not to recognize quarters. I put in my $1.25 and it only registered that I'd put in $1, so I hit the return button to get my money back; it gave me four quarters. A friend loaned me $.25 to try again, but as soon as I put a quarter in, it dropped with no indication that I'd entered any money. Now that I've walked back up to my 4th floor desk, I am too damned lazy to walk back downstairs with dimes and nickels.

All I wanted was a bottle of lemonade! Is that so much to hope for?

No Me Gusta

Damn, alfalfa sprouts are hard to pick off a sandwich.

Especially a cheese sandwich.

The Worst Food Deal Ever

25 freshly baked delicious Philly soft pretzels for 5 bucks.

I bought them for a bunch of people but that didn't stop me from inhaling one of my favorite food items. And then another one.

Shouldn't They Have a Plan For This?

Two weeks ago I went to a food expo where I entered a drawing for a variety of baskets they had out. I did not need to be present to win. Trying to make arrangements with the woman from the event to get said basket from her is proving to be ridiculous. They can't possibly have thought that only people who lived within 4 miles of them would enter could they?

So that's why it's called a gastropub.

I ate lunch at a trendy new "gastropub." A not-so-basic grilled cheese sandwich with gourmet cheese and special bacon and roasted tomato on a seasoned baguette, accompanied by tater tots. Yum!

But all afternoon I was gassy.

At least it was dead!

Some people (Jen14221?) may think it harsh of me to yell at my husband for dropping crumbs on the floor, but there is a reason for my OCD insanity. Not only do I hate the feeling of day old food stuck to the bottom of my feet, but I also despise having to sweep up dead cockroaches as I did this morning. Totally gross!!

Nessie, I'd Like You to Meet My Good Friend Sasquatch

Here are some things I have heard about.  I do not think they exist.

• Cold pizza that is actually tasty
• Make up sex
• Ben Stiller comedies
• Brief trips to IKEA

One is one too many, one more is never enough.

Cuervo Gold premixed margaritas go down very smoothly on a Friday night. Early Saturday morning alarms are not nearly so pleasant.

Good Weight, Bad Farts

I'm doing Weight Watchers because I put on an embarassing amount of weight while pregant that didn't miraculously melt away. The good news is that I'm within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. The bad news? Healthy eating habits make me fart like a monkey at the zoo. I nearly asphixiated myself driving to work this morning. 

Dummy

I have not yet learned that eating grapes until I feel pukey is a bad idea.

Less Salt = More Oil?

I bought lightly salted peanuts because I don't like fully salted peanuts but I do like a little bit of salt.  I am pretty sure these are the greasiest peanuts ever.

Discomfort Food

Memo to new restaurant chef:

There's no need to heavily salt a grilled cheese sandwich.

Where's the beef? No really, where the hell is it?

I placed an order from Nature's Prime Organics in June. It hasn't arrived yet. However, they are still offering all kinds of promotions to bring in the new customers.

Unfortunately it was a Groupon deal so it's pre-paid, no refunds. I want my organic meat and coffee, dammit!

Ooh that smell, can't you smell that smell?

Throwing away your half eaten tuna fish sandwich in the garbage I have in my office just because you were done eating it while we were talking, is going in the 'unacceptable' category. Knowing that you'll be out of the office until next week just gives me more of a reason to put half eaten fruit in your wastebasket. Being that it is fruit fly season, I think that is a fair revenge strategy.

Intern Update #9028234: A Lesson in Class

Intern #1: Wud up? Did you have a good weekend, Juice?

Juice: I did, thanks. You? What did you do?

Intern #1: Ugh, my girlfriend's been bitchin' about taking her out to a nice place to eat. Finally caved and brought her to PF Chang.

Juice: Errr...Lovely. I'm sure she liked it.

Intern #1: Yeah, it was okay. Since I drove, I made her pay. <hysterical hyena laughter>

Juice: Go away.

Intern #2: (Who is typically the bigger idiot) Dude, that's bad. Not cool at all.

 

It's going to be a good day...

I hit someone with my car this morning. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Some douche bag crossing the street drinking coffee out of the biggest bucket-o-coffee while texting on their medieval cell phone walked right into my car. Dumping their entire supply of morning caffeine onto the hood of my car. Apparently, their stupidity was my fault, seeing how he yelled profanities at me while hitting the hood of my car with his hand. He is quite fortunate the light remained red until he passed my car, otherwise he would be missing more than his cheap gas station coffee.

Spoon Man

You pour yourself a cup of coffee, add sugar, stir with a spoon, and then place the spoon in the sink hoping that someone else will rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. How fucking hard is it to put your own spoon in the dishwasher?

Meanwhile, I put my spoon in the dishwasher and deliberately ignore your spoon, because I'm almost as bratty as you are.

It's the devil in me.

I want a frozen Devil Dog so badly right now.

But I don't have any, and I'm not going to go out and buy a box, and I know they're bad. I still want one though.

These bananas are shit.

I only like to eat bananas that are pure yellow. As soon as their peels get spotty brown, bananas repulse me. So I only buy green bananas so I can eat them when they're perfectly yellow. Now what's with the rapidly ripening shitty bananas?

Weather Related Starvation

I look forward to Tuesdays because the delicious food trucks come to my office. (Sometimes they come on other days, but Tuesday is their regular day.) Today it is raining, so the sub truck is not coming and I don't have any emergency back up food in my desk.

Oh, Hell, the Cooders Have Been Carnies Ever Since We Came Here In 1620 Clinging to the Side of the Mayflower.

Why does Guy Fieri sport the bleached spiky hair?  I believe a mullet is much more his style.  I am surprised that David Spade beat him out for the title role in Joe Dirt. 

I presume there are health regulations that require him to wear sweat bands in the kitchen so that he does not drip Guy Grease all over the other patrons' food.  However, wouldn't those same regulations require him to ditch the flip flops?  I don't think I will ever go to any place that has been featured on one of his shows.

More Like Eat Frozen

While watching the Little League World Series over the weekend, they kept showing a Subway commercial for their new sub, the oven crisp chicken. It looked awesome, but I figured I'd wait a few days to see if the craving for it would go away. It didn't.

Both my son and I were looking forward to trying it last night. Lo and behold, we didn't get them. Why? Because the chicken was thawing, and had to for 24 hours. Thanks, Subway, for killing that craving. I guess that's someone's way of telling me to actually eat better.

Cheater!

I have friends who own a deli. I often lunch there. However, I decided to try the new crispy oven-baked chicken sandwich at Subway. The Subway is one block from the friends' deli.

As I was walking out of the Subway with my sandwich, one of the deli-owning friends drove by and spotted me. They immediately had their kid call me to bust me for not supporting the little independently-owned delis. It was like getting caught for cheating. I felt kind of guilty.

But, the guilty sandwich wasn't half bad and it took less than 5 minutes for me to pick up lunch as opposed to 30 minutes.

Can You Get Diabetes From Watching TV?

Our TV recently informed us that it found some new freeview channels (we refuse to pay for cable or satellite). Lo and behold, we now get the Food Network! I love the Food Network because I love food. This Food Network, however, seems to only broadcast from 6pm to 10pm, and consists entirely of dessert-oriented programs. Not a speck of nutrition anywhere to be found. I love me some sweets, but even one episode of Kid in a Candy Store is enough to make me want to vomit sprinkles.

Those Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer

Due to the extreme heat I am feeling a bit irritable these days.  Here are the most recent annoyances.

1.  I can't watch the news any more because of the incessant hurricane hyperventilation.  Please let me know if NY washes out to sea.

2.  There is a new Whole Foods near by that sells beer on tap.  They have a tiny bar back near the wine/deli area.  I tried to buy some the other day and it took forever for the poor girl working there to get to me because some guy with a pony tail and tiny round glasses kept wanting to have a free sample of each beer.  Really?  Look, tool, it's mostly Anchor Steam beer or Shiner Bock, either of which has been widely available for many years and is nothing unusual.  Cough up the $3 for a glass and stop cadging free samples.

Also, they sell beer to take home but I feel like a dirty hipster saying, "growler" so I can't bring myself to buy the jug.

3.  I had not noticed it before, but since Food Network has switched to an all-Guy-Fieri format, I really think this guy is a total chafe for the following reasons, among others:

• He totally overpronounces his name as Fee-eddie.  It's not as though you just arrived at Ellis Island from the Old Country.  In general you sound like Bill and Ted, so why the exaggerated pronunciation of your name?
• Sunglasses on the back of the head is a distinguishing mark of the genus douchebag.
• The flip-flops in a restaurant kitchen, along with the capri pants.

 

Down In The Boondocks

Today I took my massive stack of BlogHer food coupons to the grocery store...

...the same grocery store that doesn't carry Dove bars OR Michel Angelo's products.

What kind of state do I live in where you have to hunt for Dove bars? Sigh. Woe is me.

And then I forgot to use the Trop50 coupons on the juice I bought.

 

Martha Stewart's Dumb Cousin

I made dinner tonight: ginger curry meatballs, cooked in a curry/coconut sauce with brown rice and green beans. It took me a little over an hour, because I can't ever do anything simple and I had to make white cheddar/black pepper biscuits AT THE EXACT SAME TIME.

And then I burned my tongue on the first few bites, like a jackass, so I'm not even sure how the meal turned out.

And then I realized I forgot to add the almonds. For shame.

Grossest Chip Flavor Ever

 

"Creamy"  +  "Dill Pickle"  x  hand touching a floating chip = inclination to vomit

Beef-O-Rama

Sunday I made a pot roast in the crock pot.  I have enough to last me all week for lunch as well.  Usually this means I eat chicken for dinner since I don't like to eat THAT much beef in a week. Unfortunately Monday night I was digging in the freezer and pulled out a roast beef and left it on the counter overnight. I had to cook it because it couldn't be refrozen. This now means for the rest of the week it is all beef all the time.

Feel like crap? Feed your face.

It never worked in the past and it's not working now.

I have gained six pounds in two weeks.

A true PEAve

Although one of my previous peeves was about spelling the word "peave" it is actually fitting for this post. I just heated what I thought would be a delightful Trader Joe's dish with scallops and mushrooms. Only to discover it is full of peas, my most hated vege-nemesis! Ugh!! I should have read the package more carefully.

This is Why I'm Fat

Damn you, office snack shop and your 25 pence chocolate bars!

Lunchtime Fabulousness Thwarted

My plans for lunch today were to get my hair blown out at Drybar, grab my favorite skirt steak salad from the nearby Daily Grill, and return to work. That's a nice lunch hour, right?

The girl at Drybar asked if I like the ends to curl out or in. IN. She asked how much height I wanted on top. GIANT. She asked if I wanted hair spray. A LOT.

By the time I ordered a skirt steak salad, no blue cheese, from the restaurant upstairs, my hair was flat, the ends were flipping out, and I was pulling fly-aways out of my mouth.

HAIR FAIL.

I arrived back at work, sat down at my desk, and eagerly opened my salad only to find big fricking chunks of blue cheese all over the damn thing. I called the manager and asked him to refund my credit card, which he said he would do, because I was not driving all the way across town to get their mistake corrected.

LUNCH FAIL.

Moo.

Why isn't organic milk sold in containers smaller than a half gallon? I can never drink the whole container before it turns sour.

Don't Stop Until You Get Enough

I was jogging at the park yesterday and I was drinking from the water fountain.

Then, some lady came up to use the fountain.

I had never before seen anyone bend at the waist and drink while continuing to jog in place.

Really?  The 5-10 seconds it takes to stop for a snootful would so disrupt your work out?

Starving Ethiopians Made Me Fat

I'm not a huge ice cream fan, and no, that doesn't make me unAmerican. The BF, however, is in favor of this melty mush. To remind him that I do have a nice side, I bought him a package of Magnum ice cream bars. I heard through a reliable source (i.e, Facebook) that they were the ish and only very recently sold in the US. What would he like better than immigrant ice cream?

Turns out, a lot. The bars were "too sweet" for him. So the options were to either let the two remaining bars languish in the freezer, where I had to concede defeat every time I saw them, or...to eat them.

I'm going to let you guess which option I chose.

Jerky

A couple of months ago, I bought a Groupon for Nature's Prime Organic Foods. Great deal, right? 

Well, I know that organic foods are more expensive than conventional. But some of the items are ridiculously priced. $16 for 12 ounces of coffee. So, my Groupon isn't taking me as far as I would have liked.

Then, they were sold out of at least half of the Groupon-specific items, and the only things left for me to buy, besides coffee, were sausages and these things called snackers. WTF are "snackers?"

Are these like just pieces of cooked meat you eat out of the bag? Are they jerky? I don't like jerky.

I ended up with $75 worth of overpriced organic coffee and sausages that I didn't need.

To top it off, delivery time is expected to be something like 4 weeks so when it finally shows up on my porch and hopefully the neighborhood dogs won't get to it first, I'll be all, "WTH is THIS?"

Game Over. Before it even starts.

Two more words that can suck it: Dry. July.

After much thought, consideration, soul-searching, and tallying up the number of social events on my calendar, I just don't think it's possible. Maybe something will change in me by next Friday? Yeah, no, who am I kidding? Maybe next year...