The Peevery

A Certain Craft Store Sucks Beyond Sucks Beyond Sucks

Oh, Michaels, Michaels, Michaels. You still carry crochet hooks, but you have stopped stocking crochet thread. A curse upon you for thwarting my doily ambitions!

Sloppy Drunk

This used to be a brand-new T-shirt. 

Now it's just a sad reminder of how much I love red wine.  FULL GLASSES of red wine.

Everyday I'm Shufflin'

University students wearing Uggs: pick up your damn feet when you walk!

I Need Some Very Personal Leave

I've had a wardrobe malfunction here at the office, and the only supervisors from whom I could get permission to leave are men. There is no way to deal with this situation in a non-embarrassing way.

Snot Rag

My three-year old likes to use me as a human tissue. She'll go in for a hug and wipe her nose across my sleeve or pants in the process. With her perpetual winter cold this goes on daily, and between her snot and my other child's spit up I am not a pretty sight. By the time I get to work in the morning I'm already in need of another change of clothes.

These pants are "pants," in the most British sense imaginable.

Because of how very dry and sensitive my thighs and mid-section get during cold weather, my trouser fabric is causing a boatload of discomfort. By summer I will be perfectly happy, but for now I can honestly say that these pants are chapping my ass!

40 Euros For This Nonsense

People who do not speak fluent English need to stop making products with "English" on them. Seen in an overpriced hipster fashion store in Essen, Germany: a t-shirt with the phrase "Never stop to dream" on it. That's right, kids: your life is up to fate and nothing you can do will ever make it better, so get back to work and quit fantasizing. (Side peeve: I had a photo of the offending garment on my husband's phone, which he just took back to the store a couple of hours ago before I could transfer it to another medium.)

Riding the Clothes Fence

I'm no fashionista, so I never know if I'm being a total bitch when I see a man obviously in his 50's, wearing American Eagle or Hollister clothing. Maybe he feels young at heart, and doesn't want to wear Velcro sneakers and dark blue jeans with yellow thread.

On the other hand, today I saw two obviously adult women wearing winter hats (the kind with the braided ties that hang down the side, with cartoon characters on the top) that are meant to look cute on KIDS. They just looked stupid.

Cocky

The past several years, when I sent Christmas presents I also enclosed an envelope that had all the receipts in case they wanted to return anything.  This year I got cocky. For my niece's birthday I bought her what I considered to be a rather gruesome video game, figuring she'd love it since she loves scary movies and Six Flags Scream and haunted houses and all that stuff. She says it might be too scary for her. I threw away the receipt two weeks ago. Oops.

Hats Off!

No, seriously. Take 'em off. I know it's winter, but your choice in headgear is absolutely ridiculous. Once one reaches thirty-five or so, it's time to stop buying hats that look like a panda trying to devour one's head.

Christmas Shopping is Hard!

My girl friend said she couldn't think of anything to give me for Christmas.  So, in order to help her out here are some excerpts of conversations over the last few days.

Me:  Here is a web site with several lightweight and inexpensive backpacks

She: You already have too many, so I'm not buying you another one.

Okay.

Me: Here is a catalogue called Territory Ahead that has several sweaters that look nice.

She:  No, all their stuff looks lumpy.

Okay.

Me:  Here is an Orvis catalogue.  They have some cool things in there.

She:  No, their stuff is all frumpy and old man like a potato sack.

Okay.

Me:  Here is a circular pizza oven on Amazon.com.  It looks rather infomercially but according to all the good reviews it is a legit product.

She:  No, I don't want to further clutter up the counter space.

Second-Hand Peeve, misplaced variety

I went out to dinner and the next table over was about a dozen people on happy hour.  Judging by their appearance and conversation, I'd say they were first year staffers at a Big 4 consultancy.

One of the especially loud girls said she was at work that day and had been remarking to the whole room how much she hated sweater vests, only to find her manager wearing one, and much embarrassment ensued.  Apparently this article of clothing is sufficiently loathsome that she continued her rant at the happy hour.

I am not a huge fan of the sweater vest, but I have a couple in my closet.  They are fine if you want to wear a jacket, and want to be able to move your arms too.  Why the hatred for the friendly sweater vest, whose only shortcoming is to obligingly try to keep the chill off of a frozen nerd?  This was one of the sillier peeves I have heard in a long time.  Especially considering that several of this girl's dinner companions belong on HCWD

Cart Rage

I’m not sure what the reason is behind the grocery store cashier patiently waiting until I load up all of my groceries on the conveyor belt before starting to scan any of them through, but when I’m piling items 3 and 4 deep because I’m buying more than can fit on a single layer on the belt, it might be nice for said cashier to get the frack on with it already.

Hung Up

Turtleneck sweaters do not belong on hangers! The hanger is practically poking through the shoulders. No more hangers!

The Extra B is for BYOBB

Last night was the second night in a row that I had to change my pyjamas before going to bed. 

Both times I had barbecue sauce on my shirt.

Is this by design?

The type is covering up the product they are selling. Pisses me off.

Je Suis en Désaccord

She: What is on your head?

Me: It is my new beret. Favored headgear of artistic types and intellectuals. I think it looks rather jaunty.

S:No, it looks silly. You are neither artistic nor intellectual. I will not appear in public with you if you are wearing that thing.

Clogged Up

Two years ago, WalMart built a Super Center a couple miles from my house. I loved shopping there because the aisles were really wide; wide enough that even three old ladies congregating to talk about stool softeners and parking their carts sideways still left enough room to leisurely walk around them.

Now, every wide aisle is crammed with some pallets of sale crap right in the middle of it.  Hell, it's like there's a law against shopping without contact. Those three old ladies now bring the entire store to a standstill. You'd think their stool would have softened up by now.

And Leon's Getting Larger...*

My weight is pretty stable but I'm almost positive my FUPA is growing.

*

Just Begging For A Pig Pun

Hey, Jessica London, I'm not sure the world is ready for plus-size leather jeggings. I know I'm sure not ready to don a pair, and not only because I have doubts that they "flatter every woman."

Peevery StyleWatch

Are white-soled Docksiders/Topsiders trendy again? A nearby college campus is full of them, and there's not a marina around these parts. 

Exacerbating the Condition

When I got to work this morning I noticed a spot on my shirt. I tried a little water in the bathroom and it didn't go away. I tried my Tide Pen and then there was a ring around the spot. I tried some more water to dilute the Tide Pen and got a bigger ring around the spot. I have given up and put my jacket on over the whole mess.

Freak Out!

I have a wedding to go to later this month. Because of where I live, it will a) probably be snowing at that time, and b) the "best" place to look for dresses in town is Kohls. Or, like Deb, if I want to go trashy and shiny.

I really really really want to look awesome at this wedding because it's one of my boyfriend's friends, and all his guy friends will be there, including the ones who knew me when I was dumpy and insecure in high school.

I have scoured the online sites but guess what? Their inventory doesn't update daily. I may be forced to wear an awesomely accessorized paper bag.

No more Mary Jane!

Why are 75% of the shoes offered for wide-width feet in a Mary Jane style? I would look like I am either 6 years old or like I'm wearing tap shoes.

Jingle it

Old Navy, I thought I already warned you about using song parodies from the 80s.  Now I've got that God awful Tiffany song stuck in my head.  Yes, I know that's a cover of a song from the 60's, but your version had that bubble gum princess all over it.

I really miss jingles.  They might have been annoying, but at least they didn't ruin songs from my childhood.  I'm looking at you, Macys!

Life is too short to wear boring clothes

I'm in an outfit rut.  I thinnk I've been wearing the same shit for three years.  My basic work outfit is a short black skirt and a cute top or a cute top and a cardigan.  I also have a bunch of dresses - thank you Target and Ann Taylor outlet - and pants.  Black pants, sometimes grey.  No beige or khaki anymore.  Beige and khaki make my ass look bigger than it is. 

So, last night I hit Macy's in NYC (the largest department store in the world, so they say) and I found exactly two tops and one dress in the three hours I was there.  And they are just like the shit I already wear.  All the really cute stuff was made for tall, skinny girls with no boobs.  One of the tops needs to go back because it's too small.  It's an XL!  What the hell?!

(I didn't even get a change to visit the sixth floor to look at shoes.  I was too discouraged)

For a limited time only, act now!

First I was confused by the anthropomorphic hamsters featured in the Kia Soul commercials.  Now they are dancing in what seems to be an apocalyptic gaming landscape with robot warriors.  

Are they just throwing random stuff together that their target demographic likes?  I'm shocked the hamsters aren't wearing bikinis and washing hot rods.

"It's me or the shoes!"

In reaction to me removing my favorite leopard-print Crocs flats last night, my husband said, "What's that disgusting SMELL?"

"Oh," I replied, "that's just my feet."

"Holy crap, you have GOT to stop wearing those plastic shoes! NASTY!"

Hmmm...I don't think so.

Shoes, Shoes, Everywhere

I have far too many pairs of shoes, but none of them are perfect.  I guess I need to keep shopping.

Bound to Happen Sooner or Later

While unloading the groceries from my car a bag broke and down went the milk and a jar of pizza sauce.  The pizza sauce, of course, broke. After lugging the groceries upstairs, I went back outside to clean up the glass. Then I nearly died of overheating because it is still a bazillion degrees outside and I had gone up and down my apartment stairs several times.

Tubular Boobular

The good news: I've lost 20 pounds!

The bad news: now none of my bras fit, and I must enter the circle of Hell reserved for bra shopping.

Bra shopping at Lame Giant, no less.

Kmart Sucks

The sweaters at Kmart were covered in dust, the bath accessories had been dribbled with some kind of gross looking substance, and the bottles of laundry detergent were coated with dirt.

I don't know what is going on in their distribution centers or what the store staff is doing when they're not standing around bitching about each other, but I shouldn't feel the need to throw myself into a washing machine after shopping.

Holey shirt!

Six of my new-this-summer solid color t-shirts that I always wear to work have little holes through the fronts of them, right near the waist area. I usually don't see the holes until I get to work, then I curse myself for dressing in the dark and looking like poor white trash. Luckily I carry a sparkly cardi* in my bag to throw over the embarrassing shirt.

* saying "cardi" for cardigan is an auxiliary peeve 

Weird Al, you are not.

Old Navy! I hated that Debbie Gibson song when it was popular back in the 80s.  Doing a poor man's version of a Weird Al Yankovic parody of it to sell your jeans only reminds me of that past annoyance.  

And also, Only in My Dreams is now stuck in my head.

We Are All Originals

And to prove it we all wear the same Adidas dreck.

Meeting with the Bobs

One of the three Targets in my town is apparently managed by Lumberg from Office Space.  It doesn't matter what time you shop, the place is a den of chaos in one form or another.

This morning, I got there when the doors opened at 8 thinking it would be less crazy. Silly me.

In every other aisle where the food is displayed, someone was stocking product.  Not to mention the 20 boxes of crap lying on the floor waiting to be put away (in each aisle), which I had to dodge or move in order to navigate my cart.  

Of all the Target employees lining the aisles, only the young guy with the Snidely Whiplash mustache was brave enough to ask me if I needed help.  Apparently through his alleged drug hangover, he remembered some of the customer service training.

Can someone from corporate please audit that place and get it to run more efficiently? What is it you do here?!?

Old Navy needs to get new stock

My son has outgrown all of his old school clothes. They have to wear uniforms (khaki or blue shorts, and white or blue shirts). For years I've been buying them online from Old Navy. Now that he's in a men's size, I went to their website to buy them. Big problem - NONE in stock.

So I had to resort to buying him clothes from American Eagle, which is not nearly as cheap as Old Navy. My wallet has taken a hit just from buying three shirts and four pairs of shorts.

Do you want to go out of business?

Dear Small Store Owner:

If your shop closes at 5 PM, how do you expect to attract the after-work shoppers?  If you don't post your business hours, why would I return to your store?  If you expect to thrive, why do you carry the same exact stuff in your store as four other stores in the same block? 

Sincerely,

Frustrated Small Town Shopper

Titsling Troubles

It's generally a bad idea to go bra shopping after perspiring heavily on a walk in the hot summer sun.

(Before you give me shit about sweating up the merchandise, let me add that I bought the ones that I tried on.)

Celebrating the Art of Shovelling BS

I received in the mail yesterday some real estate agent's glossy magazine touting some million dollar houses.  The caption or slogan or whatever is Celebrating the Art of Living. 

Whoa, that's a whole lot of pretentious crammed into a few words.  I don't think there's much art involved in breathing, as even an uncultured bounder as myself has pretty much mastered that task.

Discontinued

My current favorite pair of shoes is a brand called "Bite" and they are black and casual and have a Croc footbed.  I wanted to replace them with a new pair.  I knew Croc had bought out the company. I am displeased that Croc bought out the company and then promptly discontinued the shoe.

The Worst of Summer Fashion?

It's catching a glimpse of unsightly feet and toes dangling out of sandals. It makes me shudder thinking of all the crustiness I've seen lately.

Lazy, Illiterate, or Both?

To the lady in the Target parking lot:

Want to know why the whole bed of your full-size truck is sticking out into the parking lot? Because you just parked in the COMPACT CAR spot you dumbass. It's clearly marked.

The chick glaring at you,

Erin

Bibliophile Blues

Books are my thing. I am always reading. Every Tuesday I scour the Web for new releases. It seems like every other book out right now is part of either a trilogy or #8 in the series, etc. While it's fun discovering new series, sometimes I just want to read a book not in a series.

Next, Asshat

I really hate when there is a long line at a store and someone opens up another register and calls out "next in line!" and some jackass from the back of the line races to get to the register first. So thoughtless.

Are Highwaters In Now?

I went looking for work pants yesterday. Pants. Not crops or capris or shorts or whatever. I wanted long pants. I bought two pairs of "ankle pants" thinking that was their euphamism for regular length pants. I blame the lack of thought about this on the fact that I had been shopping for HOURS and was tired.  I bought them without trying them on.  Put one pair on, they're highwaters.  Tried the other pair on, also highwaters. Is this a trend now?  People wearing highwaters, I'm sorry ankle pants?  If so, I don't get it.  

Supersize Me

I can't find a nice small cell phone like my old Motorola V-66. 

I don't want a touch screen. 

I don't need to play games or surf the internet or watch videos on my cell phone.

I don't have any apps.

I don't want a smart phone or I-phone the size of a paperback.

I want a small phone that fits easily into my pocket that I can use to make the occasional call.  Text message OK but not required.

Need Miss J Immediately!

Despite the fact that I am wearing cute kitten heel (ugh I hate that phrase) flip flops, I still walk like freaking Frankenstein's monster.  I am going clomp clomp clomp all over the place.  

It's like flames up the side of my boobs.

I don't know what the hell was wrong with the bra I put on this morning but after spending the first hour and a half at work itching and scratching and itching some more until they were red, I went to Kohls and bought a new bra.  The relief is awesome.

Who's laughing now?

The rabid Amy Grant loving accountant in my office walked by a couple of minutes ago after leaving the bathroom. She went in looking normal (white knitted sweater with horses, ankle length cotton light blue skirt, white socks and brown sandals), but left looking quite different. Sadly, she walked out with her skirt tucked into her over-sized (bright pink) underwear. This situation is extreme enough for me to walk up and give her the 411 on the "moons over my hammy" she was offering her co-workers. Sadly, I was in a meeting in one of our conference rooms with floor to ceiling glass. Therefore, I had to watch my shit for brains interns try not to lose their shit when she walked by. Luckily, someone finally helped. While they don't know it yet, my interns will be spending their Thursday in the mail room. Physically licking envelopes. Assholes.