The Peevery

Peeves of Yore: Have some Juice, even if it is past the expiration date. It's still good - I promise!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know it's not Friday. Don't you all get your panties in a wad as you look at the Peeves of Yore on a Monday. It's my fault, people. So, sue me. For those of you who can handle a bit of change for the week, please enjoy my Peeves of Yore Friday, on Monday...

It has been unseasonably warm the past few days here. While I shouldn't complain about my floor to ceiling windows (and door) to the outside world, I do have a major gripe. It gets hotter than the devil's undies up in this mug during the day. I can't wait until mid-August when it's so hot the meth heads are feigning for ice. Complaining about the nice weather in February seems a bit dramatic, I know. Which is a great lead into my weekly PoY introduction...

Drama, drama, drama. Do you know friends or acquaintances who thrive and feign and scrape their claws as they pretend to fall off of a cliff, all in an effort to always be in a state of drama and/or chaos? I don't know about you, but I just can't deal with that monkey business. I'm already busy enough being a (for the most part) normal, contributing member of society. To me, it takes too much time, energy, frowns, furrowing of the brow (resulting in wrinkles), negative thoughts, words, etc... I'm already exhausted just writing about it! Well, as I sit here and contemplate on the past week (oh hell, the past couple of months), I realize that even though I have not been directly involved in the drama of someones bat shit crazy life, I am exhausted from being indirectly involved! Seriously, those who had to deal with it on a daily basis must have aged two-fold. Truth be told, while there are a million things per day that I could peeve about, I'd rather find the humorous side of negativity, than pour a thick layer of constant bat shit crazy chaos on my friends and family. To those of you who may or may not be reading this, who find enjoyment out of spinning out of control...this peeve's for you, sucka! Hey, smile! Because we're all laughing at your silliness...

That being said, I would like to dedicate this weeks PoY to <drum roll> <gong> <snare drum> <cow bell> <Mariah Carey hitting the high note> Oh, sorry, that was probably a wee bit of a chaotic and dramatic introduction to... BIGGEST PEEVE EVER - Crazy people! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yahooooooooooooooo(Oops, overboard again?)

Well, well, well... Karla Kay seems to think contracting a VD would be less painful than mosh pitting with a bunch of horned up women wishing and hoping and thinkin' and praying for their chance at being the next in line for marital bliss! You know what? You're right. I'd rather piss my pants from a UTI while someone is kicking me in the FUPA, than go through that hot mess of a "tradition." Single ladies unite!

 Looky, looky, it looks like Nursepez has run into one of those "drama queens." Thankfully, now-a-days, if the only interaction with that person is on Facebook or Twitter or Google+ or the other million social media sites they subscribe to so they reach the maximum number of "well wishers," I have one word (thank God, too - what would we do without this word?): DEFRIEND. Or in ancient world terms, "Sayonara, sucka!"

My PoY excerpts have been a bit longer than usual. Nikki reminded me that they can be short, simple, and to the point - no dramatization needed. This one needs no introduction, and is definitely the cherry on a drama filled chaos sandwich (sam-itch *wink).

 We've all heard they exist, most of us have experienced an encounter with one, and some of us acutally listen to what they have to say. But, very very few of us actually take action and kick them in the FUPA and tell them to shut the hell up and share the oxygen with the rest of the people on the effing planet. Pretty sure Blaugra has envisioned herself kicking one in the FUPA before. Hell, I wouldn't put it past her to kick, turn around, and run like hell laughing hysterically. I know I have (one can only dream) would.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we have found our peevery chatty Cathy. That award goes to none other than a former Peever - Putnawa! Seriously, I'm totally with you on the situation in general, but I wanted to kick myself in the FUPA when I got done reading it. I kid, I kid - I'd want to kick Sprint in the FUPA for causing you to be dubbed chatty windbag for the day!

 I hope this PoY made you forget that it is Monday. Acutally, I really hope you get done reading this and think, "Hell yes, bitches! It's Frrrriiiiiidaayyyyyyyyy, and i'm out like a boner in sweat pants!" If that's what you thought after reading this, I'm not sorry. I'd actually think that was pretty funny. Sucka! Peace.

Peeves of Yore: Poisoned Juice

I'm pretty sure I have hepatitis. Yes, you read that right. Hepa-fucking-titis. Just in case you're wondering how in the heck I managed to contract this lovely little thing, let me tell you. So, I totally forgot to renew my vehicle tags on time, so I no longer had the option to do it online. Therefore, I had the pleasure of going downtown to the Treasurer's office to do it in person. So what, right? Wrong. As you make your way to the renewal room you begin to smell something that just seems "off." Now, as soon as you step over the threshold to the renewal room, the smell hits you like a tsunami. The room smells like processed cheese and sweat. And, that is just the room. You add in the people who are occupying this room and you have a potpourri of rank. For example...

The gentleman who sat down next to me smelled of booze and cigarettes. Additionally, he must have a sleeping problem because not only did he yawn, but it was continuous. Yawn after yawn. These weren't quiet little yawns either, they were a big deep breath in, and a dragon sized breath out. Also, there must be a rule that you are NOT allowed to cover your mouth when you yawn, cough, or even hack up a lung. There's more. On top of all of this, he couldn't stop "fanning" his legs in and out. Gross. Between the smells and the symphony of noises, I am absolutely convinced I caught something - like hepatitis. Never again will I forget to renew my registration on time. I promise you that.

So, with out further adieu I have decided to dedicate this PoY to people. People are gross, nasty, raunchy, rank specimens. But, such a great tool for Peeves! Enjoy my friends!

Unfortunately, Erin, Facebook is a cesspool of chuckie talk. I mean, it's too gross and inappropriate to discuss vag's on, like, the actual news. Oh wait...

 I have a 4th one, Blaugra. KIM KARDASHIAN. Go away, you nasty rank troll with a whiny voice. Oh, and that little number you were wearing in the porn video you shot with nasty Ray-J...the one you can see when the media uses the video to embarass you(no, I did not see the actual video), it was downright fugly. You're gross. That is all.

I'm right with you, Joanne. However, I just kick them. Do I care if a kid is in it? Hell no. Seriously, ask my boyfriend. I mean, those kid leashes disguised as animal backpacks would be better than a stroller. Park that shit outside in the corral.

You may be missing one, Max. Everyone is insanely DEPRESSING. What a bunch of fucking fun haters on that website! Debbie Downer central. Wow.

I think it's time for Max to grow some balls! Put your foot down, my friend. Show her who wears the hats pants. Personally, I think it makes people look much smarter. A great disguise.

Well, if you don't hear from me again, it's obvious that I have succumb to the Heps. All we can do is hope that I live to see another day. Happy weekend, and stay clean!

 

We want your peeves!

I always get the winter doldrums in February. Even though I live in the South, the days are still short and by that time I'm dreaming of sitting my can in the sand in a month or two.

We at The Peevery don't want you to get the blues, so we've got something special planned for February ... starting Feb. 11, we will have at least one peeve per day, up until Feb. 29. Each Peever has been assigned a day, so be watching for your favorite Peever.

That said, we want to hear your peeves also! Email them to me at redsoxfan529@gmail.com by Feb. 3, and your peeves will precede ours, with a reader peeve per day also.

We will all still be peeving throughout the month, don't worry!

Peeves of Yore: Plug it in. Give it some Juice!

Today is Friday. Friday, the 13th. Oooo.... No offense, but I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of this Friday the 13th crap? Did you know, in Spanish-speaking countries, Tuesday the 13th is considered a bad luck day? I'm guessing now that I've said something, I'm screwed. I'll get puked on by a baby while I stand in a checkout line. Stuck behind someone who has not entered the modern ages and still writes a check for groceries...after they provide the cashier with 3,000 coupons. Choose a cart that has one wheel that squeals like a baby pig and violently shimmies back and forth, resulting in a very rough ride. Whatever may happen to me, I stand by my opinion that Friday the 13th is a bunch of phooey.

I always considered myself to be somewhat on the "up and up" with technology. I mean, really... if all else fails - Ctrl/Alt/Delete, bitches! Right? Wrong. Through out the past few months I have learned that I don't know shit about technology. How do I know this? Well, the strapping gentleman standing next to me in the NYE picture is, what one would call, a computer genius. Coding, systems, networking, switches, etc... Hello, I have no idea what any of that means. As most of you know, my mind tends to pick up on words and phrases only if I can make something dirty out of it in my little brain. Well, I really didn't feel like paying attention to my conference call yesterday so my mind drifted to how I can better connect myself to my computer genius of a boyfriend. Jackpot! Do you know how many computer terms he uses that sound dirty? I didn't either. But, holy hell, there are a ton. I truly believe this will bring us closer together. Even if I still never understand what he's saying, when I hear these key words, my eyes will light up and he'll totally think I know exactly what he's talking about. Little does he know...

Hard (Drive), Ram, Spreadsheet, Joystick, Load, Core Dump, (External) Floppy, Backdoor, Weblog, Probe, Back Orfice, Log, Unzip, Firmware, NUM LOCK, Plug and Play, (Hot) Sync, my favorite...Dirty Cache. Pretty awesome, don't you agree?

With that said, there really is only category that I could possible dedicate this PoY to. Duh. Technology! Happy Reading...

The reason I am choosing MsChick74's Technology Peeve this week is because of two words used in her post: Donkey. Balls. Ummm...Hilarious. 

What kind of Technology Peeves of Yore would it be with out some sort of salute to those insanely techy Asians? Thanks, Peeved Michelle!

My take on it is that they're always hot. Drop it like it's hot, yo.

Best advance in technology. However, you're right Michael...total Peeve killer.

So, I would totally have one more Peeve, however, I some how deleted it and lost everything and had to re-write this whole PoV over again. Therefore, my last PoV for this week is mine. Right now. This very second. I HATE TECHNOLOGY! Ugh...I need a drink.

Have a lovely weekend, my friends!

 

Peeves of Yore: Juice Talks Doody

It is January 6th today. Living in the midwest, one expects to be shivering to the bones, snot running downtheir nose, coughing up a lung from the sorest throat imaginable, and seeing your breath freeze right in front of your face the moment a door is cracked. It was 67 degrees outside yesterday. Yes, 67 degrees and sunny, folks. Mother Nature was taunting me yesterday with the weather. It took everything in my power not to run outside campaigning for a competitive game of Red Rover or Dodgeball with my colleagues. I must stay strong, however. If I allow myself to fall into the temptation of loving this weather in January too much, Mother Earth will feel my weakness and punch me in the face with an Arctic Winter.

What shall we focus on today? Eureka! I've got it. I do believe it's been quite a while since I dedicated PoY to something that always gets a laugh (out of me, at least)...Doody! Some people never talk about it, and some (mostly teen girls) swear up and down they never doody. Phooey! Maybe if we talk about it a little more often, people would stop looking at doody talk as something taboo? Even if they don't, and they still get grossed out, all of us peevers and most of the peeve lovers will get a giggle or two out of my doody talk!

 Blaugra, I do believe we could use this advertisementfor another purpose. We should cater the message to pretty girls (like the one shown) to prove that, yes, they too, doody!

Personally, Erin, I wholeheartadley believe that a stall needs to be set up with an alarm system. Instead of forcing the victim of running out of "shit tickets"to ass scoot to get more TP, the person who only leaves you a few shit tickets will be tazered or tortured or locked in the bathroom until they resupply the roll.

My advice to you, Unknown Peever... Don't laugh. Don't cough. Don't do anything that may put pressure on the rectal area. Otherwise, you'll have a real situation on your hands.

Joanne, it almost feels like your body is being violated, doesn't it? It's a sneak attack you were definitely not prepared for.

Easy solution, Unknown Peever. Simply add two step before Rinse. Lather, Bend, Spread, Rinse, Repeat. Wa la! Works every time.

And so ends my PoY Doody Diary for the week. Have a good weekend, and don't neglect your rectum!

Peeves of Yore: A Very Juicy January

Well, another year has come and almost gone. I'll be honest, the first part of my year pretty much sucked balls. Sure, a few highlights in there from time to time, but nothing worth writing home about. My year really started to improve greatly toward the end of the summer months. Since then, I have to say that I am pretty blissfully happy. Don't you worry though, that sure didn't stop me from finding peeves to chuck out into the world through my lovely Peevery outlet. Thank goodness, for The Peevery! 

I thought about doing this weeks PoY all about New Years Eve parties, New Years Resolutions, New Years Admissions, etc. Then I thought, "why?" While I am supremely excited about my NYE plans for tomorrow evening (including the little get-up i'll be sporting...totally outside of my box), I really haven't had anything exciting years past. Do I make NY Resolutions? Nope. Do I have anthing to admit as the New Year rears its ugly head? Not a thing! Therefore, I will be skipping to Peeves from the lovely months of January. Let's take a walk through our past January's and see what we find? I'm guessing there will be some pretty juicy stuff. Winter months typically bring out the hostility in people. Hell, we should all just be required to purchase neon lights for the long winter months...especially in the midwest. 

January 2011: Okay, Max. I may have to disagree with the Aeron chair comment. If, in fact, the Aeron chair has movable arm rests that allows the user to, in some sense, "flap their wings like a bird (horizontally, of course)," I would totally put it in the Euro sports car category. I've seen the Aeron chair sans the movable arm rests, and well, those poor souls are missing out. Those are the ones wearing Peppermint Pattie shoes. Seriously?! Anyone who complains about any Aeron chair is just a silly person...I think they are the Rolls Royce of chairs. Can you tell I've run into this type of conversation before? 

January 2010: Don't worry, Joanne! The movie Bridesmaids does a fine job of displaying appropriate puking etiquette. Since the gal is puking in the proper receptacle, they offer us another solution, should one have a problem with the "other opening."

January 2009: I feel you Jen14221. Seriously, I truly believe it's "those people" who refuse to just sit their ass down on the can. Instead, they hover over it like a freaking UFO. Look what happens?! Trust me, they see what they've done. I am willing to wager that they haul ass out of there as fast as possible (with out washing their hands) so nobody knows who did it. 

January 2008: Just let it rip, Michael. Besides, trying to temper it down to a more appropriate word, such as, "roostersucker" just doesn't have the same effect, you know?

January 2011: I agree, Nikki. There is a similar thought in the real estate industry. When you see a property advertised as "charming," steer clear! Nothing whimsical or charming about that, I promise.

Well, there you have it, my friends. The last Peeves of Yore for 2011. May your holiday be full of fun and laughter. Also, be sure to take pictures of weird people doing weird things, since we are pushing for pictures peeves in 2012! Juice, out.

Peeves of Yore: Holiday Special on Juice

The countdown to the end of my day began the moment I walked in the door this morning. As I drove to work this morning, I kept thinking that the commute was so easy and light. Then it dawned on me - I must be the only dumb ass going to the office today. I mean really. Do employers really think any amount of reasonable work will be completed today? It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 55, when the whispers of "long weekend" become bellowing screams, you drop your shit and run like hell toward all the noise.

I attended my anal annual office Christmas party on Tuesday. It was at a winery. On a dirt road. In the middle of nowhereville. It reminded me of the movie Deliverance. All in all, it was a pretty successful event. It was quite the surprise to all of us that our employers were actually picking up the bar tab for the evening. Never happens. Needless to say, we drank like fish simply to spite them. Just kidding. We would have ingested that much no matter what. When you have 60+ people  (not including the "plus ones"), what is the best game to play? Oh, yes! Everyone bring a white elephant gift! Holy balls, it took forever to get through that damn game. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I brought the best gift. Do you agree?

Tis the season! What better way to end this week than with some Christmas peeves? Happy Holidays, and enjoy a look back at the things that piss us off the most during "the most wonderful time of the year."

You'd think my cat would have learned her lesson from last year. Nope. And the fun began again last night. P.S. The only light option this year was colored.

Blaugra, ever notice how the fruit stand alone in almost every case? I mean seriously, if you're going to put some fruit in a holiday basket, at least douse it with chocolate or some sweet shit like that. The fruit just reminds me of how much I'm eating like a heffer lately.

Peeved Michelle, I wonder if they had this training during the office holiday party season in hopes it would keep people from touching no-no areas after they've had a wee bit too much yuletide egg nog?

Joanne, fast forward to this year. May I add to your list? I will either way. I'd like to include Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise, Angelina Jolie (sorry, but true), and anyone who has the last name of Kardashian. In fact, anyone with the initials K.K.. Wait! I have one more. Anyone named Kris Jenner (She doesn't deserve a video). That is all.

Seriously, Joanne? You just tell that little niece of yours to suck it up and appreciate the gift she received. If she doesn't, just knock her down and take the game back so you can play it until your eyes are red and swollen from staring at the screen.

Well, I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, at least it's a few days off from the depths of hell we call our offices. Now, take it away New Kids on the Block - Funky, Funky Christmas!

Peeves of Yore: Let the Juice Breath Before Another Serving

As much as I couldn't wait to release my little interns into the world, and into the hands of someone else, who I'm sure will absolutely LOVE them... It was also kind of sad. Now, I'm stuck doing stuff that I really don't want to do. I have to wait until January for the new truckload to arrive. I do feel bad for those kids, as I will be extremely cranky by then due to the lack of "help" for a month. May the digestive gods have mercy on their souls, so they don't crap their pants when they first meet me. Anyone who craps their pants is automatically told to kick rocks.

Anyway, I have decided to take a walk down memory lane this week for the PoV. This week, the PoV is dedicated to my interns. I love them, I hate them, I hate to love them... If they have chosen not to love me back, well, they'll see my love in the grade I have given them for the semester. Sadly, some failed to remember who actually holds who by the balls for three months. Suckers.

August 31: The semester started less than a week ago. Apparently, this crop of newbies doesn't think I'll remember the mysterious "flu" they both had come time to grade their performance for the semester. Think again, dipshits. Think again. You've met your match.

September 7: I really hope their next boss has the pleasure of experiencing an intimate moment such as this. Make Momma proud! Spread your 'awesomeness' to your next internship (or I dare say, real world job...<shudder>).

September 12: If you're looking for a lesson in class, read this. Then do the exact opposite. If you have a laugh that sounds like a hyena, I am very sorry for you.

March 11: Fiddling with things while you look down at your crotch does not win you any points in...well...anything. Giggling while you do it, does not help one little bit either.

January 17: I would have never thought that interns love to stuff envelopes so much! At least two of them are on envelope duty each week! My colleagues love me for it, and all I tell them is that I have these crazy bird interns who screw up on purpose so they can stuff envelopes all day long. I am so lucky!

Goodness, this PoV sure brought back some darn good memories over the past year. If I were forced to choose between perfectly behaved, and quiet interns or The Breakfast Club interns that came wrapped in a bright red bow to me this year... Without a doubt in my mind, I would choose The Breakfast Club clowns. They may have taken a few decades off of my life, but damn it, it was worth it. Just don't ever let them know that. They are still scared shitless of me.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Peeves of Yore: Juice Cocktail

So, did everyone enjoy a wonderful day of gluttonous eating? I did. Did I feel guilty for the next few days? Meh, not really. Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday, and this year was very special. My parents came to visit me - this is the first year in many they have not gone to my relatives house. In addition to giving my moms side of the family the finger, and coming out to visit their lovely daughter, they got to meet someone important in my life. We all had a great time. Okay, enough of the "feel good rambling." Let's get down to business.

My apologies, it's been a long week and I seem to be ending it on a slightly low note. I had to go to the doctor today, and I came out with some antibiotics. Don't worry, I don't have the skeevies or anything. Just your normal, everyday, yucky not feeling great. I shall overcome. Due to me feeling the need to "milk" this yucky feeling, I've decided that one of my side effects is going to be 'lack of focus.' Therefore, this weeks PoV is dedicated to variety. No rhyme or reason to the Peeves I chose to highlight. Well, for those of you who I do highlight - you're very welcome. Obviously, you caught my eye with your hilarious cynicism.

Erin, anything is better than a shart. You should be thankful it's just a little dribble.

Hazel, your classmate is either turning this activity into a sport or has just found himself/herself a new hobby. Either way, it's gross and one should never reveal that information.

Not where I'm from, Blaugra. It is the very first snow that turns them all into assholes. And were talking zero accumilation, more like rain - and it's too "warm" for it to turn to ice. They're all assholes when this happens where I'm from. I could shank a bitch.

Nothing better than having your heart pound so hard it feels like it's going to pop out...all while you're taking a dump due to the insane amount of energy liquid you ingested. Kate the Peon, what is your take on this?

Max, blame it on "Fiddy Cent" or "Fitty Cent" or whatever the hell he's calling himself nowadays.

Enjoy your weekend, all. Now, I'm outta here like a boner in sweatpants. Peace.

Peeves of Yore: The Juice Stands Alone...With an iPhone

Nothing exciting really to report about this week. Sorry. The good news is that it's Friday, and freedom will be mine in a few hours. Yay. It's been a long week, and I foresee myself finding a good place to sit my ass down and drink a bottle of wine. Hell, after much thought and consideration, I may even get myself all gussied up and go to dinner. There was a period of time when I would go to some nice restaurant and eat dinner by myself. Personally, I didn't see the issue with this. However, I started to notice people looking at me with sympathetic eyes, almost like they felt sorry for me? Really? Is it that pitiful looking to see a relatively normal young gal dining by herself? Apparently. Well, to all the people who may stare at me this evening, I will be giving you a mental middle finger. Since it will be a relatively nice restaurant, I'll refrain from the hysterics of yelling, screaming, and throwing food at people.

Where to go from here... Food and drink, maybe? Sure, why the hell not. Ladies and gentlemen, this weeks PoY will be dedicated to items that dictate how much our digestive system loves or hates us.

 Creamy, Pickle, and Hand should NEVER be on any type of product that one is meant to ingest. Congratulations to you Blaugra for not ralphing all of the place.

Don't worry, Max. I believe people would consider this just fine. Just think of it as "roughage."

I totally agree with you, Nikki. What's next? People going all crazy, spending every penny they have to their name because some old guy said the world was going to end on... Oh, wait...

Jen14221! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Newest FAD DIET!

Now, just match that up with your other major Peeved Michelle Peeve... Chewing with your mouth open. These two together would have me in prison, on deathrow.

On a totally unrelated note: I feel like my life will be changed forever in a couple of hours. Why? Because my number was picked, and I received a phone call from Sprint letting me know that my iPhone 4s is anxiously waiting for me to pick it up after work. Hopefully, it will make me taller and prettier and smarter and...there is an app for that, right?

Peeves of Yore: The Sweetest Juice You'll Ever Experience. Never Again.

Today is not only Peeves or Yore day, but a day much more important. It is Veterans Day. I'll be the first to admit that my knowledge has never been close to stellar when it comes to Americas War history. Since I'm being honest here, I will also say that the history of war was actually something that didn't interest me in the slightest. Until recently...

Throughout the past couple of months I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone who has really opened my eyes to the importance of knowing and understanding how we, as Americans, got to be exactly where we are today. Per a census that was conducted in 2010, we celebrate the lives of 21.8 million Veterans. So, today, I raise my glass to all of the Veterans, as well as, active members of duty. Each of your names should be listed in the Dictionary as the definition of Hero.

Today is a good day. A day that we, as a country, celebrate together. Therefore, I have decided to dedicate this weeks PoY to Not A Peeve! Happy Friday, my friends.

Mama Karen reminds us that even though we may bitch and moan about our in-laws, or loud neighbors whose dog craps in our yard, or the unending amount of extra curricular activities we are forced to go to for our kids, or the rank diaper we have to change because our significant other wouldn't dare go near it, and all the other crazy things that ultimately make it on the pages of The Peevery... None of that matters, once we put it all into perspective.

This is probably the one and only time Peeved Michelle is happy that her daughter didn't keep her legs closed. Never, ever again. Never. Must remain a lady.

This just isn't right. No way. There is absolutely no reason or way to explain this. Seriously, could it be? Could it really be that Kayteadee is....happy? No. Seriously. Get it together, Kayteadee. Otherwise, The Peevery is going to go downhill quick.

There's not much to say here, Amy. Happy you and your lovely husband are keeping the crack pipes out of eachothers mouths, the smack out of eachothers arms, the coke out of eachothers noses... Sharing the love of psycho crazy people does wonders for a marriage.

Sorry, I must plug myself into this PoY. For the simple reason that it makes me lose my shit every time I look at it. Looking at this picture can brighten anybody's day.

Before I leave you all today, I have one more trick up my sleeve. Actually, it's a Christmas present idea I'd like to share with you. Trust me, I'm sure you can find someone who would fall on the floor and thank you over and over and over again, if you bought this for them. Enjoy!

Peeves of Yore: Juice with a side of shit talking, please!

Friday. It could not have come any sooner. I mean that to be a question. Why the hell could today, Friday, not come any bloody sooner? Looking back on my last two PofY, as well as, my last couple of Peeves, I've noticed that I have been increasingly cynical. I really need to wipe the angry girl music sludge off of me, pull myself up by the boot straps, and get my shit together. Someone told me recently, should I happen to see the sky turn pink and fill with unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course), my days will begin to brighten up. Well, damn it, I saw it. And if the fucking pink sky and unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course) don't cheer up this little cup-o-juice, I know what will...

Peeves of Yore shall be dedicated to bathroom peeves today! Shit makes everyone laugh. Well, maybe not everyone. It makes me laugh, so if you don't want to laugh along with me today - eat shit.

Jenn4221, anytime you start to feel like you have a "case of the Monday's," you just keep your chin held high and keep your eyes on the head prize!

This is genius, Peeved Michelle. There are simply no words to describe how awesome this is. All in favor of a Caca Castle? Me! Me! Me! Me! Those who are not...exit to the rear please (tee hee hee), and go fuck yourself.

Dearest Unknown Peever, My advice to you is this.... Never, ever trust a fart. Period. You gambled and lost, my friend.

If this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will. All hope is lost if Heather's peeve doesn't enourage even a little giggle.

Wow, this Unknown Peever gambled and won. Winner, winner chicken dinner!

My goodness, this shit talking really put me in one hell of a better mood. I'm so freaking happy now, I could just shit! Enjoy your weekend, my friends.

 

 

 

Peeves of Yore: Happy October!

It's already October, and thankfully, the temperature has fallen to a non-sizzling one here in Georgia. Some of you have already seen snow ... no thank you! Here's to a great month, and here are peeves from October from years past.

Joanne's dogs were barking after buying new shoes. Her poor, poor feet were not happy.

Peeved Michelle had a secret. She hates keeping secrets. I wonder what it was?

Amy didn't like the dark. She didn't like it in the morning, she didn't like it at night.

Despite being a dental hygienist's dream, Meribon continued to have weak teeth.

MamaKaren wanted liposuction on her calves so she could wear sassy high-heeled boots.

Suit Yourself

I have a total of five suits and they are all different sizes. I've only worn the suits once for the purpose of interviewing. I have an interview tomorrow and I can either squeeze into a suit, or buy a sixth suit of another (larger) size.

-Jobless Peever

Tomorrow is the day!

Readers,

Tomorrow is our 24-hour Peeve-a-Thon. There will be a new peeve posted on the hour, every hour, from 12 a.m. to 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, for your reading enjoyment. Don't forget to check back throughout the entire day! Thank you to our readers who submitted peeves to be included in this inaugural event!

HEY, Readers of The Peevery...

Time is running out to be part of The Peevery's Peeve-A-Thon, scheduled for this Saturday, Oct. 1. All you have to do is send me your peeve to redsoxfan529@gmail.com, and you're in! It costs less than a dollar a day (because it's free) and you'll feel that much better for doing it.

Email me your peeve by Wednesday for inclusion to this amazingly awesome event.

Peeves of Yore: Desperately Seeking Orange Juice

Happy Friday, my friends! Oh, the joys of the changing weather. It's official. I'm sick. Death is not necessarily knocking on my front door, however, I do feel like a raging pile of cow dung today. The best part? Our company has a "team building event" today. We like to call it, "office olympics." Outside in the cool crisp fall air, running around like the ADD kids on the elementary school playgrounds during recess. This will do my sickness well, I think! My raging pile of cow dung will most certainly grow to a pile of shit from a much larger animal. I. Can't. Wait.

With that said, I find it only appropriate that we dedicate today's PoY to Health and Beauty. Happy reading!

I do believe it is Juice's turn to go back to this joint and spread my sicknesslike this nasty broad did to me!

Dear Erin, A few chomps on some orangeTic Tac's and you'll be free of your orange scurvy nose, I promise. Gross.

I've never been a fan of Emily Proctor, but Kate the Peon just made me never want to eat another marshmallow. Ever again. Or get pregnant.

Hey Erin, It's so big it could be a the small caterpillars vagina?

They may be mocking you, Hazel, but they sure sound damn funny doing so. I giggle at the Chinese language (I can say that, because I'm part Asian).

<Sneeze> Happy Weekend! <Sneeze>

Peeves of Yore: Mid-September Edition

Juice is out of juice in the Internet way, so here are POY from mid-September from years past. Enjoy!

Joanne had a hole in her ass back in '06. Make that two holes. Don't believe me? Click here.

In 2007, Blaugra proved the theory that men suck at loading the dishwasher.

Hazel had it with the stickers that come on fruit in 2008. She doesn't need THAT much fiber, ya hear?

While Hazel was battling fruit, Red was looking for his pears in 2009.

In 2010, a visitor to Meribon's office used her pre-determined stall, and left her a special present.

You can do it!

Dear Lovely Peevery Readers,

Won't you please send your peeves to me at redsoxfan529@gmail.com to be included in our Peeve-A-Thon on Oct. 1? Pretty please? You know you want to. We want you to. The Tooth Fairy is practically begging you to. We have open slots available at various times. Please don't make me beg more.

Send them to me by Sept. 28 for inclusion in our awesome blog.

Peeves of Yore: Family Size Juice

Happy Friday, yo! Don't you just love short weeks? Did you all enjoy your Labor Day festivities? I did. Had a chance to get the hell out of Dodge overnight, and had the pleasure of visiting a lovely zoo. The animals and the company I was with were fantastic. The people who decided to visit the zoo on the same day...that's a whole different situation. I admit, I am not the most patient person in the whole entire world. Children, they have a small tendency to creep me out. Adults who wander in the middle of pathways and stop without warning make me want to punch someone in the face. Strollers? Don't get me started on strollers. Do they really belong in small confined spaces? No. If you decide to bring a stroller into a confined space, please know how to maneuver it. Practice before you arrive, maybe? We made it out alive, and the person I was with (I think) has an untarnished view of me.

Guess what, y'all? It will be another shorty for Juice next week. Hip hip hooray, bitches! Juice will be exercising a hop, skip, and a jump over to Cape Cod next Thursday. Going to spend a few days with my parents. The great thing about my parents is that no matter what my chronological age is, I will forever be 12 years old in their head. Hell, that is absolutely nothing to complain about either. Who the hell had their own money when they were 12 years old? Not this kid. What does this mean? Milk them for all it's worth! Put my wallet away for the weekend, and enjoy the free ride. Terrible of me, isn't it? I really do love those two crazy kids. Long overdue visit with them.

With that said, I have decided to dedicate this weeks PoV to Home/Family/Pets. You can't live with them, but also you can't live without them. However, if they're not yours, you can kick them out of your mutha effin' way.

Who needs couple's therapy? All you really need to do is move to a new home. Just ask Amy. She may be beaten, battered, and bruised...but damn it, her fire breathing hate speech has definitely diminished.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Nikki's husband's friend will need to start growing his own set of new balls very soon. Because, Nikki is about to reach in, grab, twist, and yank that junk right off of his body. Balls.

Goodness, we sure have come a long way from these days. I haven't come across any lost poo anywhere, and no danglers to deal with either. Instead, we've moved on to bindging and purging. Damn it, I sure do love those little bastards, though.

Don't worry, Peeved Michelle. He'll be back humping your leg before you know it. Now, that's unconditional love.

Hey Red, Maybe Nikki will give you the balls she rips off of her husband's friend. Sounds like you may be in need of a pair? Balls. (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

While I've used this before, I'll end with a lovely little "tip of the hat" to Friday. Compliments of Mr. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon. Happy weekend, everyone!

 

 

Peeves of Yore: Jungle Juice: A little bit of this and a little bit of that

September 2, 2011. It's effing 100 degrees outside today. I have a date this evening, and I was planning on wearing this cute little number I recently purchased. Well, that plan is shot to hell now. Of course, I guess I could wear it and risk boob and ass sweat. Dear Mother Nature: I'm sick of this shit!

Happy Friday, everyone! My work has kept me on my toes and away from you lovely people for the last couple of weeks. While there is no end in sight, I have decided to say, "Screw you, Friday! I'm done working today!" As soon as I said that (which was approximately 6:30am), I became much less agitated, and ready to take on the world! As unproductively as possible.

Today's PoV have no rhyme or reason... Just a jumbled up hot mess of glorious peeves!

Wow, I do believe Amy and I must have the same neighbors. They sure are creative with their words, aren't they?

Would it be considered inappropriate to use the note Joanne wrote to her cat, to a child? I don't have children, but from the rumblings I hear through friends about those little people, this note could work for kids too.

DEAR HUSBAND OF BLAUGRA: I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY AS YOU DO TODAY I HAVE A DATE AND THE DAMN WEATHER IS GOING TO RUIN MY CHANCES OF WEARING MY NEW OUTFIT I EVEN SKIPPED LUNCH BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED IM NOT ANYMORE MY LIFE SUCKS

This is the only reason I like to attend meetings. Kate the Peon and I seem to think the same way. Love taking those notes!

I just experienced this about 20 minutes ago! Glad I'm not the only one who had this thought.

Happy Labor Day weekend, everyone! Grill up some good shit on the BBQ!

It's a Peeve-A-Thon!

Attention readers of our fine blog - I'm proud to announce our inaugural Peeve-A-Thon, happening on Oct. 1. Every hour, on the hour, a new peeve will appear for 24 hours.

Since there aren't enough Peevers to fill those hours, we'd like you to contribute. Send your peeves to me at redsoxfan529@gmail.com by Sept. 28. See, I just helped you out right there - Yankees fans can peeve about trailing the Red Sox in the standings. Or how they wish they were Red Sox fans.

What's not to like about being a part of The Peevery's Peeve-A-Thon? It makes a wonderful Christmas gift for loved ones, all printed up and framed.

Peeves of Yore: Weather Edition

With Juice out of town, I'm taking over this week's duties for POY. I've decided to go with the obvious, the weather, because you can't escape the hurricane that is Irene anywhere on the news. We've had a lot of wind down here in Savannah, but it's nothing like what the rest of the East Coast will be enduring later this weekend. Batten down the hatches, people, and stay safe!

Amy lost one of her trash cans to gale-force winds, and wasn't looking forward to lugging a new one home on the bus. I bet that looked hot!

Blaugra let us know she's a xenophobe. How genius is she for using a big word when talking about snow? Awesome.

Winter came early for Hazel. As in, two days after the beginning of Fall early.

Jen14221 wrote a letter to God because she wasn't down with the temperature being 45 degrees in late May.

Peeves of Yore: Juice Will Give You the Squirts

Welcome to August, folks! It's only August 5th and our country has experienced more in the past five days than we have in a long time. Between the bitchin' hot temperatures, an economy on the edge of armageddon, and the stock market taking a big dump, I'm pretty sure we have all experienced some kind of diarrhea-like symptoms. I know I have. Well, for me it's probably a combination of those factors, and the fact that I have indulged in excessive amounts of beer consumption this week. Beer shits. Not attractive.

It's been quite a while since I have dedicated the Peeves of Yore to any type of bathroom topic, so I do believe that's where we're headed today! Anything that involves inappropriate bathroom talk/humor always puts me into such a great mood. So, let's flush all of our dignity down the pooper today and let the shit fly!

Some people need to turn the faucet on in the bathroom in order to taunt their bladder out of stage fright. Lucky for Rachel, she doesn't have to do any thing like that in order for her to think about, or feel like taking a dump. She has a company paid helper 4 short feet away from her to provide her with any assistance she may need.

I have always told people you can never over communicate. Communication is the key to understanding exactly what is going on. If there is an issue, it is so much easier to assist in helping if I know what exaxtly is going on. I do, however, believe Nikki has found the one instance in which overly clear communication is not necessary.

Via Peeved Michelle: The good news for Peeved Husband and his co-workers is, whenever they see "no pants pooper" get up from his desk with shower shoes in hand, they automatically know that their bathroom breaks may need to be re-routed to a different bathroom location for a little while. In a way, they should thank Mr. Shower Shoes for the "heads" up.

Oh, Shart! Don't worry, Unknown, we've all done it.

Dear Blaugra, Some people are just Naughty By Nature.

Enjoy your weekend! Should you have a "shitty" weekend, we would love to hear all about it next week!

Peeves of Yore: Hot Juice in the Summer Sucks

Not sure where you are all at, but the average heat index for my section of the world this week was 103-105. Seriously? I do believe we are all being punished for something. Mother nature has decided to go ape shit, and give us all the finger. Hot weather makes for a very grouchy Juice, too. And, nobody wants that in their path. Total destruction. We are, however, supposed to get a little bit of relief here for a few days. My family, friends, colleagues, and most of all, innocent strangers will be very happy. With the lower temperatures, will come a lower temper from Juice.

I would like to dedicate this Peeves of Yore to the diggity dog days of summer. Love it, hate it, we have to deal with it. So, why don't we go down memory lane and visit some peeves from summers past!

Apparently, Bailey never tuned into anything with Paris Hilton. Actually, Paris Hilton and Asian girls. Paris and the Asian girls love the pussy!

At that point, you are at the climax of your situation, Joanne. It may be better to spit than swallow?

I'm pretty sure AAA has a sabatour following Hazel around. They hook you, reel you in, and give you the big 'fuck you!' That's how they make their money, I'm sure of it.

Just a hunch, I'm guessing Jen14221 is experiencing a bit of deja vu' right now? Suck it, weather!

I'm pretty sure Kate the Peon has been saved from her potential trip to hell. Well, as long as, she refrained from giving her friend a spelling lesson.

Peeves of Yore: Interns Who Drank The Juice

My sincere apologies, my fellow Peevers and Peever lovers. I had my parents in town last week, and that caused me to miss last weeks Peeves of Yore. I'm guessing most of you could give two shits. However, for those of you who look forward to the weekly PoV, I shall do my best to redeem myself.

I really enjoy having my parents come to visit me. They always ask me to put together a list of things I'd like to accomplish while they are in town. This is awesome. Not only is it free labor, but they buy the beer, wine, and food too. Nothing like having my cake, and drinking the booze for free too!

So, today I would like to dedicate the Peeves of Yore to my interns. I have loved them all, hated them all, and most of all... Got them the hell out of my life, and sent them off into the world. And it seems they may have ended up in some of yours! Lucky you.

Seems that Joanne must have hired one of my lovely interns!

Oh, my goodness! Kayteadee hired one of my interns, too!

Well, there seems to be a theme forming, here. Peeved Michelle has the pleasure of working with one of my little babies too. I teach them so well!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Looks like Max is the proud owner of one (or a few) too.

Last, but certainly not least. Congratulations, Blaugra! You definitely have encountered one of my idiots. Pretty awesome.

Have a lovely weekend, all!

Peeves of Yore: Red, White, and Blue(berry) Juice

Happy (almost) Birthday, America! Bring on the sparklers, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, beer, bbq, nasty little ants and those shit for brains, mosquito's! Hopefully, you all have a nice holiday weekend planned. Those of you from various foreign lands, sucks to be you this weekend! Us Americans, will be whooping it up long past midnight on Sunday! There's nothing better than a little All-American patriotic music, complimented with some major fist-pumping.

I had originally planned on dedicating the PoV this week to July 4th entries. Then, I remembered that not all of our peevers (and peeve followers) are from the land of Lady Liberty. I am all about equality (please recall the major ass kissing last week to make sure Amy felt included), so I have decided to keep this PoV to the month of July from years past. Happy Reading, 'yall!

I'm going to go ahead and guess that Peeved Michelle's favorite movies list does not include 'Powder.' Look, I am in total agreement. White on (white) rice, is never a good look.

Hey, Blaugra... Any chance you can give me a quick update on foreign politics or oil reserves in Alaska? Shit, me either. But, I bet we could trade awesome notes on what Lindsay Lohan is shoving up her nose, spewing out of her mouth, or hiding in her pursey purse! I'm damn proud I know that, too!

The perfect bumper sticker for Hazel: Honk and I'll fucking mow your ass down, mother fucker! Beep! Beep!

Kate the Peon, meet Amy. Amy, meet Kate the Peon. Amy loves Pussy. Kate the Peon is a pussy. Match made in pussy heaven!

Joanne, that's even worse than having 'Juicy' or 'Pink' on your ass. The real question is, whether or not said shorts were tie-dye? Please, tell me there wasn't a fanny pack involved? In the words of Rachel Zoe: "That is BUH-NAN-UHSSSSS!" (and not in a good way).

Well, my fellow Peevers and Peeve followers, have a wonderful weekend! Whether you live in the United States or not, do America proud this weekend. Crack open a few cold ones, stir up some sangria, squeeze the bag inside the box wine until is completely empty... Have a safe and happy holiday!

Peeves of Yore: Juice Loves Amy

Happy freaking Friday, my friends! If you were to look up the word unproductive in the dictionary today, you would see my name in big bold letters. My morning was spent surfing all of the online trash magazines, blogs, funny videos, and Facebook. It is now the afternoon, and I don't see my productivity level rising whatsoever. Do I feel guilty about this? No. Go ahead, you have my permission to do this too. It's quite liberating. Sometimes, we just need a day like that! I am very much looking forward to the end of this day, and my weekend of FREEDOM! 

It was brought to my attention last week that I have neglected to include Amy in any of my Peeves of Yore thus far. Well, an unhappy peever is not something that makes me very happy. Therefore, to make it up to Amy, I have decided that this week, my PoV is dedicated to her!

It's been almost three years since Amy has actually slept. Why? She's pussy-whipped. The pussy keeps her up. But, I bet if you asked if this bothers her, she'd say, "Hello no! I love my pussy!"

You may want to check your computer for any potential viruses. My guess (I always think in the negative) is maintainance was kickin' their feet up on your desk, eatin' some M&Ms, and watchin' some porn.

BUT... Can you see Russia from your house? Maybe it's Tina Fey who's copying you? That would be flattering! But, I do see your point.

Well, at least you have eyes (even if they are raisin eyes). I'm a quarter Asian, and that quarter some how ended up being my eyes. Growing up, whenever someone would take a picture of me, you would with out a doubt, hear my mother saying, "Juice, open your eyes nice and big! They're a little squinty right now!" Mascara or no mascara, all of the photo memories I have make me look like everything is a surprise!

Dearest Amy, Between being completely pussy-whipped, and pondering the potential elephatitis of the balls the man on the bus has, you may never fall asleep!

While I do hope you all enjoyed this weeks Peeves of Yore, my wish is that this makes Amy an especially happy little pussy-whipped peever!

Peeves of Yore: Weiners Sauteed in Juice

Wow, it sure has been an exciting week in the world of politics, hasn't it? From Newt and his entire staff essentially giving him the finger and completely abandoning ship, to Andrew Weiner. Oh, Weiner. Weiner. Weiner. Weiner. His last name is one of those words you just want to sporadically scream out in a crowed and quiet lecture hall or board meeting. Blah, blah, blah....WEINER!...blah, blah....WEEEINERRRS! I do actually have weiners on my mind today. It's our company wiffle ball tournament today, and before the big game we're having a nice little cookout. My contribution? Oscar Meyer WEINERS! I did have a nice little exchange at the market with my cashier as I was checking out with my Weiners. It went exactly like this:

Cashier: Well, hi there! I just ran out of paper bags, is plastic okay?

Juice: Oh, no problem! You may actually just put my stuff in my 'green bag.'

Cashier: Oh yeah, I see it. But, I ran out of paper bags so is it okay to put your stuff in plastic for you to carry in your 'green bag?'

Juice: ?

There were no words. That being said, I think today's PoV will be dedicated to people. There are just so many types of people in the world we live in, and it's time for them to get Juiced!

What Jen14221's co-workers do not know is that with in days, she will be morphed into Patrick Bateman. Business cards, and all. Watch out, bitches! She'll cut you.

You'll know when Rachel is done being bored, and transitions into being completely raging shit pissed. How? Because your front end will be completely up her ass - and she'll be happy. Because, you will be buying her a new car.

Shit, this bitch was lucky Peeved Michelle wasn't 'P to the Motherfucking MS' today. Otherwise, the shit would have hit the fan.

Dear Blaugra, Guess what? Just received my new crop of interns! And you hit the nail on the head, sister. It's going to be a loooong summer. I'm guessing my new mission statement will read something like Peeved Michelle's 'P to the Motherfucking MS' very soon.

Rachel, Always check with the ladies from accounting. Those sneaky ladies always seem to find their way to cake whether they know the person it's for, or have any clue what the occasion is. They can smell butter cream two miles away.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Peeves of Yore: Juice Sweating Technology

I've come to realize that I piss and moan about the weather quite a bit, and today is no different. The only way I can describe the weather today: Hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof. Hotter than a four balled tomcat. Hotter than hell's waiting room. Hotter than a whore house on nickle night. It's that hot around here. All I can think about is the moment I step out of my office, I will have boob sweat, cleave sweat, ass sweat, inner thigh sweat, total body sweat. Sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat. Totally hot blooded.

So, I have been hearing alot about online hacking, stealing, and cheating lately. Therefore, I would like to dedicate this wonderful PoY to technology and the world wide web, otherwise referred to (in the early 90's) as the Information Super Highway.

Have a headache? Stare at the computer screen for as long as possible. The blaring light to the pupils, mixed with the radiation, definitely does a body good! Hey, it worked for Peeved Michelle.

I love #Wednesday #BoobieWednesday! Shit just got real up in this bitch #winning. Can't wait until next #BoobieWednesday so shit can get real up in here again #winning#CharlieSheen#winning. #EpicTwitterFail. Love, kayteadee

Might I suggest two computers, Blaugra? This is why I have two in my office. So I can pretend to multi-task, when I'm actually just farting around on the internet. Like I'm doing at this very moment (Seriously, who schedules a webinar on a Friday afternoon?).

Well said, Nikki! If you don't want yo mama to see your teet-teets wobbling around like a Martini shaker, you have two options. 1. Don't do it! 2. If you do it, you are not to "friend" yo mama! Shake, rattle, and roll all you want, people. However, if JLo can't keep her ex-hubby from publishing her naughty-naughty moments, trust me, you won't be able to either.

 

Peeves of Yore: Juice Variety Pack

Well, it's that day again! Happy Friday, everyone! I hope everyone had a lovely week, and have some great plans put into place for this Memorial Day Weekend. Most of which are spent with amazingly awesome friends out by the BBQ with a bunch of cold beer and wine by the case! The flip-side is you are stuck with your drunk uncles, crazy aunts, disapproving parents, brothers and sisters (psst...one of my dearest friends, Kate Reinders, is the princess!) who will forever act an age no older than 12. Or, you have the pleasure of being in my Teva flip flops this weekend. Going to a graduation, followed by a graduation party. It wouldn't be so incredibly horrible, except, it's spread over two days! That shit eats up my whole weekend! I know, I know, we are all forced to do things we don't enjoy. I just need to buck up, show my pearly whites, be supportive, and bring my own 2-3 bottles of wine. This graduation party is also outside. And unless I'm at the beach/pool where I can feel a breeze and cool off in the water if need be, I'm a crabby cathy. Otherwise, give me some air conditioning STAT! As I have previously mentioned, I tend to sweat like a guy. Apparently, there is a remedy for this, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready to take that step. Juice for a Juicehead! Hopefully, while I sweat my tee-tees off, all of you will be basking in some great weather!

I have to admit, this week was actually a pretty good one! Not that everyother week sucks balls or anything. I just had so many after work activities going on, that it made the week fly by! It could have had something to do with the fact that all of my after work activites involved food and lots-o-booze, but who knows. OR, it could also have something to do with the day I went to the gas station and some asshole gunned it to the last open pump, almost killing me. My response to his absurd actions? I got out of my car, gave him the finger and said, "eat shit and die, asshole!" Oh, my goodness, did that ever feel amazing!

On that note...Since this weekend is one usually filled with good food, good fun, and a variety of yummy adult beverages, I thought I would just do a nice little Peeves of Yore Variety Pack. Happy reading!

I think Kate the Peon needs to give her trainer a little math lesson. March him over to the scale, stand on it and ask, "X number minus 30. What is that number? Now, shut the eff up! Do your job, encourage my ass, and yell at me like Jillian Michaels until I get to that number! And then??? Shut the hell up and yell at someone else!" I think that will take care of your little Juicehead problem.

I'm not quite sure what the worst part of this experience is, Blaugra? The actual product chosen by this "woman who is of similar age," the fact that the chosen counting method was one by one by one by one, or the odd total number of said product? Either way, after three I'd want to kick her in the shins. Dummy. Count before you come to the counter!

May I offer a suggestion, Kayteadee? Should this happen again, you just tell those bitches that you have a hardline to Al Gore. And, can they imagine how shit pissed he would be if he knew your garbage was outside rotting and spewing pollution into the air? Okay, maybe it's not much better than sitting in a landfill. However, atleast they cover they shit up, and try to plant trees on the garbage.

I've been in this same situation, Red. Sounds like you were much more classy than I ever was. I decided a little bumper-carts was in order. Attempting to cut in line in front of me is a big no-no. I'll take you down, down to Chinatown. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't believe I have ever lost, either.

If only everyone listened to Peeved Michelle's instructions on how to eat and chew your food in a normal and civilized manner, I would definitely have fewer homicidal thoughts

Peeves of Yore: It's the end of the world as Juice knows it.

Happy Friday! How's the weather by you? It's a steady piss stream of rain here by me. Gloomy and rainy, but it is warm. So, I'm not going to bitch and moan too much about that. Besides, with less than one day left before the world is engulfed in armageddon and rapture my birthday, I should really focus on the positive things in life! I was never one to get too jacked up about my Birthday. Another day, another dollar...another year gone by. However, I've been told that I should be incredibly fearful of the numero 30? It's like once I hit the age of 30, my life is over and the world will end. Oh, wait... Truthfully, the only real difference I see, is that I get tired so much earlier. I mean, sometimes, we're talking about 8:00pm bedtime for me. Shit, by the time I hit 40, I'm sure I'll be begging for early entry to the restaurant 'early bird specials,' and driving around in a Cadillac DTS. I'm so lame.

Moving along! In honor of my day of birth, the arrival of spring, and the end of the world, I have decided to dedicate this PoY to the month of May. Happy reading!

While Stacey "SHUT UP!" London would certainly not approve, Nikki is suggesting that should you not know how to haul ass in your sky high heels, buy some sneaks and get a move on. Otherwise, she'll run you over with her car. Seriously.

Looking to 'class up' your event? Call Blaugra. She'll drink like a fish, swear like piss drunk Sailor, and look fabulous the whole entire time. Money can't buy you class, but Blaugra will give it to you for a box-o-wine and a few pieces of food on a stick!

Dear Peeved Michelle, This happened to me a few times too. Guess what I did? Never happened again.

No dieting, expensive weight loss programs, or even laxitives are needed in the event Jen14221 is looking to ever shed a few pounds. Just switch on the boob tube, DVR the commercial, and watch when needed. Now, that's what I'm talking about!

It takes quite a long time for bordem to set in for Rachel. Therefore, back that ass up. Otherwise, she may just switch things up a bit, and decide she'd like her back bumper replaced.

Peeves of Yore: Juice. It does a body good. Not really, it'll probably give you the shits.

I got my hairs cut on Tuesday. Every time, prior to my appointment, you would think I just walked into the Emerald City. All ready to be spiffed up and beautified. This feeling lasts all the way through the consultation, wash, scalp massage, rinse, cut, dry and style. Actually, I think it's fair to say I feel this elation until I wake up the next morning and look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea what the hell happened in the 16 hours after my haircut, but it sure as shit doesn't look anywhere close to what it did after I skipped out of the salon in haircut bliss. This is not the first, second, third, or 100th time I have felt like this. Every freaking time! This period of embarrassment with a side of fury and self-loathing typically lasts about 4 days. It's even worse when colleagues and friends come up to you and say, "Wow! Did you get a hair cut?" Yes, shit for brains, I did. While 99.999% of the time, they will say something like, "Oh, yeah! I can tell! It looks...great!" They're lying. What the fuck ever, asshole. We both know it looks like booty. Fuck my life. Well, atleast until Sunday morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Then the whole process will start all over in approximately 6-7 weeks. Awesome.

It is only appropriate to dedicate this edition of PoY to Health and Beauty, right? Ok, then! Alex, I'll take Health & Beauty for $10,000. Oh, and go ahead and throw a Daily Double in there for shits and giggles!

The next time any of you asshole employees try to occupy the quiet rooms to sleep off last nights unofficial "team building event," leading to a walk of shame this morning, is going to get a lovely surprise from Peeved Michelle. A lesson in dumping syndrome - including pictures and a video. Get the fuck out of that room.

Dear Kate the Peon, Never EVER be ashamed of poops, farts, diarrheas, smelly asparagus pees, or anything else that has to do with bathroom exercises. Sharting is just a way of life, it happens to all of us. It's all in your ability to have a lightening fast ass cheek clenching reaction (and a sexy truffle shuffle back to the can). Black licorice or black beans, it will happen to all of us. No need to be an unknown peeve! Loud and proud mama! Loud and effing proud!

Back in high school, when a girl wanted to get out of class for an extended period of time she would simply raise her hand and let the teacher (worked better on males) know; Aunt Flo is in town, It's Maitainance Week, It's Shark Week, TOM's in town, etc... If you're a male, and want to excuse yourself from being in the office, do what Rachel's co-worker did. Let people know you got your balls snipped. That'll shut 'em up, no questions asked!

I wonder if we could invent a bb sized pez dispenser? I think that would be a great option. What do you think, Blaugra?

 

Peeves of Yore: Sick of Frozen Juice

Happy effing May, everyone! Is it warm where you live? If it is, you are one lucky bastard. I'm sitting here in my office freezing my teets off. I have nobody to blame but myself for accepting a job in the MidWest, where you're lucky to see 3-1/2 months of warm weather. Look, I'm not a huge fan of 90 degree weather, I sweat like a whore in Church. However, this 55 degree weather is for the fucking birds. Now, as soon as the clock struck May, the Accounting broads pulled out their mothball smelling spring/summer wardrobe. Being forced to have a meeting with the Queen Bee, I was subjected to her sleevless see-through cotton number. I honestly don't remember much of our conversation, because I was too busy watching her bat wings swing back and forth, hoping they wouldn't knock over the Coca Cola Classic she had on the desk. As I am leaving our unproductive meeting, I am confronted with our mid-life crises, recently divorced, loves the "barely there" fashion from Pretty Woman (pre-Richard Gere jackpot) Marketing Admin. I have to say, I'm not quite sure which is worse. Either way, I did not receive the "full clothing starting May 1st is optional" memo.

I digress. I assume it is partially due to our "three martini lunch" Friday. Anyway, seeing how I need to warm up some how, I would like to dedicate this PoY to the dog days of summer peeves. A random mix of peeves from the summer months. Enjoy!

Save the pre-owned Zack Morris phone for someone else. It may be good enough for AC Slater (especially with his preferred clothing options), but Rachel has patiently waited 5 long years for this glorious day to arrive. Suck it, Zach Morris phone! She's getting a new one.

Dear Douchebag Neighbor and your friends Larry and Lindsay, You may recall a certain late night spectical last summer that involved blowing chunks in Kate the Peon's yard? Sitting in the car with your brights on facing her window? Well, guess what buttercups? Kate "The Karma" Peon is coming out swinging. Not only will she puke all over your porch, she her dog may poop all over it, and your backyard too.

Having a 4 hour window for a delivery to Blaugra is absurd. And, don't go asking her to pull a Lisa "I wore diapers" Nowak, because that's just sick.

Please keep all snacking to items such as jello, pudding, yogurt, cream of wheat, and cheerios that sat in milk too long leaving you nothing but a mushy mess in your mouth. Should you choose something that causes a 'crunch' in your mouth, and Peeved Michelle is within earshot, she will punch you in the neck.

Jen14221 is now well aware of two words that most certainly do not belong in the same sentence. Can you guess which ones?

Peeves of Yore: No Juice(y) Couture around these parts...

Well, I'm glad we all made it through the biggest and most exciting day of the whole entire year! Scratch that, the decade. Maybe even the Century. Happy Freaking Royal Wedding Day! When you really break it down, it's a story that's been told a million times over. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy courts girl, boy and girl do a little rumble in the jungle between sheets, and then they get married. In front of 2 billion people. They go on a little honeymoon, and finally settle into their $76 million dollar home. That is, until they decide to set up shop in one of the other 9 properties they have. Truth be told, I think the bride and groom were terribly upstaged by the brigade of, "what the fuck?!" hats. Look, I love me some hats, but if I have to sit through a Royal Wedding, I'd prefer to have a view of the bride and groom. Instead, most were forced to bob and weave to see anything since the broad in front of them had a hat as big and obnoxious as Trump Tower. I did think Kate Middleton looked beautiful, and wish them a very healthy and happy life together!

With all this talk about fashion and accessories, I think it's only appropriate to dedicate this POV to clothes/shopping. Happy Friday!

Look, Joanne does not discriminate. To all the fat chicks and non-fat chicks: Before you leave the house, please make sure you don't mistake a belt as a boob restricter. Also, sausages are meant for eating. Don't try and encase your entire body in what makes you look like summer sausage.

I'd like to thank Blaugra for teaching us about the different ways to put on a titsling! So, to all of you slightly post-pubescent who fear the booby apparatus, just print off the peeve and tape it on your closet door. You'll be wearin' and burnin' your bras before you know it!

Lady Gaga's got nothing on Kayteadee. Sure, she towers in her mile high heels, but is she also with child? I think not. To her male colleagues: What's up now, bitches?!

Dear Clinton and Stacy "SHUT UP!" London, Peeved Michelle has done her best to abide by your wardrobe rules. However, if the shoe fits, Peeved Michelle will wear it. Now, shut the fuck up and and bring her some Dr. Scholls and cushy sneakers.

Let's be honest with ourselves. Karla Kay's co-workers were really blowing navy colored smoke up her bum. Sure, wearing the wrong color socks is quite the pisser. However, look on the bright side! You get to go home and take part in some crater crushing (aka zit popping)! Hopefully, I'm not the only one who finds that to be great fun. 

Peeves of Yore: Juices from the boobs...tube

I used to love Friday's. The last day of the week, the first day of the weekend, the thought of pissing off work for two whole days. Everything was fine and dandy until one Friday a few weeks ago. I got to work, turned on my computer, got ready for my 45 minues to an hour of absolutely nothing but surfing trash news. It seemed like every website I arrived at was head over heels about this song called 'Friday.' Hell to the no. Some wannabe stage mom dropped a shit load of money to produce a music video for her daughter with the hopes of becoming Lindsay Lohan famous. This ruined my day, and essentially how I viewed Friday's. However, my love for Friday was re-established this week! I'd like to thank Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, The Roots, Taylor Hicks, some cheerleading dancers, and a Yeti. TGI 'FRIDAY,' yo!

Let's get down to business. I have decided to dedicate this Peeves of Yore edition to songs, movies, tv shows, and movies. With an unlimited supply of mindless entertainment, it's quite easy to to come up with fightin' words. Let the show begin...

Blaugra would rather be knee deep in a Monte Cristo from Bennigans and risk immediate diarrhea during happy hour, than watch Hoda and Kathie Lee. Blaugra, might I suggest a frosted beer mug and a box of wine the next time you tune in to those broads? Apparently, that's how they can stand eachother!

For Kate the Peon, commercials using mouth watering adjectives for shave gel, American Idol-like audition rejects for foot longs, and anything having to do with Drop Dead Fred Diva are complete and utter shit. However, she draws the line at anything wand-like vibrating near her eye lashes. That, my dear, is for south of the border on a rainy cold and lonely night.

Dear Readers, Slap some Jergens on that shit and call it a day. Seriously. What the fuck? Sincerely, Joanne

Let's just get down to brasstacks. Give me the quick and dirty. In and out, one and done, up and out. Seriously, just give it so me straight. At the end of the day. Look, the bottom line is. These phrases all represent how MamaKaren would like to see erectile dysfuction commercials erected (hehe). This bathub, rainforest with benches, romantic gazing with rainbows and unicorns just isn't getting anyone's shit up.

So, I would have gotten this out a lot sooner. However, my review went on for 4 1/2 hours. What the fuck?! Well, atleast is was positive, right? My mind is now the same consistency as cream of wheat. With that said, I shall leave you with this. I wish I could put my dicks (aka bosses) in a box for completely wasting my Friday afternoon!

Peeves of Yore: Shooting the Shit with Juice

I'm just going to shoot straight with all of you today. I was on the can all night. I'm exhausted and don't want to join my fellow co-workers for our Friday cocktails ritual. I'm sure I'll perk up once the closing bell sounds, but right now I'm tired, cranky, and still have the runs. Every time I go into the bathroom to ease my gnarly stomach pains, somebody is taking their sweet old time, causing me to suck it up and wait. I have also had to do the "faux flush" (aka courtesy flush). The one great thing that came out of this situation is that I remembered this great office game to play with your fellow co-workers!

When my life isn't consumed by trying not to shit my pants, I really do enjoy bathroom humor. Why? Who the hell knows! With that said, I would like to dedicate this Peeves of Yore edition to bathroom shenanigans.

Joanne had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting the ghost of poo. That bastard just shows up with out warning and quite literally scares the shit right out of you.

Due to Peeved Michelle's extreme attention to oral hygiene (which I applaud), she quite possibly caused someone to seek out an Enima to help with their poo evacuation. But really, if the pooper would have just held out another minute, any pent up blockage would be free and clear. P.S She's not really sorry.

Dear Blaugra:

I'm guessing Kate the Peon had already "marked her territory" at the Hilton. I believe one territory per person is sufficient. You can't just go around like a rabid animal pooping everywhere, and attempting to take over someone elses territory.

To Michael, shit is shit. Period. Plain and simple. So, shut the hell up.

Irish Chick may have just inadvertently come up with the universal sign for, "where's the shitter?"

Peeves of Yore: Shaken, Not Stirred (by) Juice

It's Friday. Usually, I am extremely busy on Friday. Racing off to meetings, busy with worthless conference calls, putting out fires that I know will be starting at 4:55pm, etc. Today, I have decided to do no more than one hour of actual work. Why? Damn it, I feel like it. I'm sick and tired of dealing with crazy colleagues, mindless interns, and most of all, the new accountant lady who won't stop signing Amy Grant. I've shut my office door and put on my (never been used because I think it makes you look and act like a douche-bag) blue-tooth to make it appear like I'm on the phone (all day). I have even gone so far as to simply look up when people knock on my window, point at the bluetooth and shrug my shoulders and mouth "sorry!" This is really the only way I can keep myself from going Jerry Maguire on these freaks. That said, I have decided to dedicate this week to those who have also been blessed to work with such lovely asswipes too! Happy Friday.

Meribon is lucky enough to have reserved parking at her place of employment. Needless to say, she was pretty pissed when someone parked their ass in her spot. Especially since they dirtied her spot by leaving skid marks.

Kate the peon was quite the unhappy employee when she was apparently left out of a memo delivery regarding the new self-service nail salon in the employee bathroom.

Max should be the posterchild for saying everything we are all thinking when it comes to work elevators. Pay attention assholes, otherwise he'll force you to stay in the elevator and take a ride with him. As far as women go, you better haul ass the last 30 yards because Max is furiously pushing the door close button.

Peeved Michelle would like to ban all idiots from any further meetings. She will be standing in the doorway to the meeting room, and if she sees or feels one iota of shit for brains, you will sacrificed and burned at the stake not be allowed to attend.

No words can describe the love and dedication Peeved Michelle and Joanne have for their jobs.

Peeves of Yore: Freshly Squeezed (by) Juice

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit nervous about my first POY contribution. I'd first like to thank Michelle and Erin for passing the torch on to me. Hopefully, I don't screw it up. Anyway, the first day of spring has come and gone. So far, my spring has consisted of 68 degree weather to hail the size of Titleist golf balls to tornado sirens. Get your shit together, Mother Nature! This weather roller coaster just so happens to be going on while my "lady in red" friend from hell has decdied to visit. Not to mention, my cats can apparently sense changes in weather, which result in them performing Parkour all over the house. Leaving a path of destruction behind them, of course. Moving right along... I have decided to pay homage to to random peeves from from September 2010, as that is the month I was welcomed with such open arms into this lovely group.

Kayteadee was struggling with fear that she would soon be dealing with a technologically contracted venereal disease.

Apparently, Red never hopped on the New Kids on the Block bus. Unfortunately, his children are forced to, even though they may be a little late.

Making fun of nerdy kids who are involved in speed walking, and demanding crab soccer be labeled a sport, hopefully helped Max achieve a superb lap time at the track.

Blaugra is helping bring to light the lack of proper instruction when teaching grade school children how to spell slang words. Between you and Max, I think we could rid the world of nerds and slang illiterate dummies.

Joanne would prefer her pants size decrease, versus her bra size. It's not just about the "how much" but it's also about the "where from." Right on, sister!

Peeves of Yore: Mid-to-Late-March Edition

I'm dashing this week's POY off early, because in Savannah, St. Patrick's Day is celebrated for a whole week, and I'm lagging behind in my partying. I feel extra pressure because my name is Erin, which means "Ireland." I don't really feel more pressure, I just felt like being a jerk. Mission accomplished.

Here are the peeves from this time in March from years past.

Click here to find out why Jen14221 had five bottles rattling around in her trunk. (Surprisingly, they weren't wine bottles.)

Peeved Michelle updated her peeve about the plague on her house.

Blaugra forgot one little snip, leading to a bubble butt. Blaugra's got back.

Amy appreciated several traits inherited from her Italian grandmother, just not so much these.

All it took was a trip to the bathroom to inspire Kate the Peon to compose this skeevy peeve.

Peeves of Yore: Mid-March Edition

Maybe it's just me, but 2011 seems to be flying by. It seems like we were just welcoming in the New Year and now St. Patrick's Day is creeping up on us.  If you've never experienced a St. Patrick's Day in Savannah, Georgia, I highly recommend putting on your bucket list.  The party has already started, and lasts more a week before March 17th and many days after.  My husband, being in an Army unit stationed in Savannah, gets to march in the parade.  The tradition is for women to put on red lipstick and jump out into the street, kiss the soldiers, and give them beads.  I did it last year, and it was a major highlight of my life.  Now that I've bored you with my personal story, here are peeves from the mid-March timeframe.

Jen14221 didn't like the weather fluctuations, especially without her socks.

Kate the Peon is either a really good sister or a really big sucker.

The Peevery found out that we do indeed have a complaint department courtesy of a very irritable reader.

Blaugra couldn't decide if she liked or despised Mr. Katy Perry. Of course back then he was just Russell Brand.

Max's cheese meter was pinging on dudes who carry LV computer bags.

Peeves On Delay

I wrote the notes for this peeve in a meeting Tuesday morning and have forgotten about it every time I'm on my personal computer. Apparently I was trying to make my notes look like meeting notes from afar: 

Worst. Meeting. Ever. Why?

• White guy nodder/hummer. Bobs his head frequently and every word is "mmm," or maybe "mmm hmmm."
• Girl across from me is making faces and IM'ng girl next to me. Rude. Pay attention.
• Girl across from me is so not wearing the right bra for her sweater. Dumbass.
• There is never a need for anyone to say "undershtanding."

Peeves of Yore: Hi March! Edition

March certainly came in like a lion here in the Southeast, with wind and thunderstorms galore. Thunderstorms still scare me, especially at night.  Here are peeves from the beginning of March from the last few years.

Peeved Michelle was live blogging on her MySpace blog about American Idol even way back when. And she was not amused by Ryan Seacrest.

Joanne wanted a price. Just give her a price and do NOT put her on a mailing list.

Kate the Peon learned to always take Peeved Michelle's advice. This seems to be a common Peevery thread.

Amy wasn't digging her neighbors' incorporation of "faux" flowers into their landscaping.

Max felt left out because he wasn't carrying around a huge sleep machine thing.

Peeves of Yore: End-of-February Edition

I don't know about y'all, but I have a really bad case of Spring Fever. The warm weather has shown up pretty early in Southeast Georgia. Trees are budding, daffodils have bloomed, and the grass is getting green. If you're still getting snow, buck up ... before long you'll catch the fever too.

Here are peeves from late February from previous years.

Peeved Michelle told her hot chocolate to cool down already. She doesn't have all day. 

Blaugra spent her time obsessively checking her e-mail as an avoidance to working.

Nikki started out being peeved because of a co-worker. Then the peeve had babies. Sort of like how Nikki did. (She just had one, though.) Congratulations!

A car-less and environmentally-friendly Joanne really could have used a vehicle for just a day.

Hazel was thinking the manicurists were thinking she was a-lookin' like Kim Kardashian. Wait, that's a peeve?

Peeves of Yore: February's Almost Over Edition

Valentine's Day is over and one of my most favorite holidays ever is just a few short weeks away. That would be St. Patrick's Day, and living in Savannah, well, we do it up right here. Plus it's pretty cool to be named Erin during this time.

That said, here are peeves from the cold, dark days of late Februarys of the past.

Kate the Peon was not digging on the furry cuffs or collars on her pointy-nippled co-worker.

Back in 2007, Joanne was sent an alarming bulletin about the change to Daylight Savings Time.

Blaugra took snacking to a whole new level with her Dorito-encrusted fingernails and stank breath.

Amy didn't have time to blow dry her hair. She ended up looking like a Russian pretzel hawker.

Turning 40 and a long-ass winter sucked for Jen14221. She might have gotten her shit back though.

 

Peeves of Yore: It's Still February Edition

For such a short month, February seems to be going by pretty sluggishly. Or maybe because I usually have no idea what day it is it seems longer. All I know is that baseball season is not as far off as it was yesterday. Bring on Spring!

Here are peeves from mid-February from past years.

Poor Peeved Michelle. Way back in 2005, the flu was kicking her ass.

In 2006, Jen14221 let us know how easy it is for her to cry.

Just in time for the Hallmark Holiday, Kate the Peon was telling those lovebirds to slow it down.

Nikki was treated to a party in her mouth. It wasn't a good kind of party unless you like Colin Farrell and cigarettes.

Karla Kay was angry with Russia and their cats. Screw the pooches, she wanted to see the cats.

While watching the Olympics, Red wanted to scream at Bob Costas and his inane chatter.

Peeves of Yore: Early February Edition

This is my second attempt at this P.O.Y. My laptop was being a punkass, and when I was halfway done, I had to restart the bitch. Now I'm cranky and using the husband's laptop, so I guess this is a peeve within peeves from years past.

Blaugra composed a very detailed letter to her eyes, who were not cooperating with her.

I dare you to read the Unknown Peever's post and NOT laugh.

Peeved Michelle had a farty co-worker. She hated on boys, open workspaces and methane gas.

Kate the Peon was hating on herself. Bejeweled is not a waste of time! (Plus going to the gym and eating a healthy dinner is pretty awesome too.)

Hey, bitch, Max isn't an IT guy, so just do it yourself, okay?

Peeves of Yore: Helloooo February Edition

Technically, this will be published the last few days of January. But really, it's time to look ahead to the beginning of February, in just a few short days. Why? Because it's that much closer to Spring, that's why.

Here are peeves from the beginning of February from years gone by.

Jen14221 was liking all of her new underwear, except for this pair that kept riding up her butt.

Joanne was chlorinated from head to toe after her class.

Blaugra gave photojournalists a nose up with this advice.

The Unknown Peever was serious about boogers and nose picking.

Ahhh, Nikki had a timeless peeve about stupid people and stopping.

Peeves of Yore: Late January Edition

Phew, January's almost done. It seems to be a depressing month - no more holiday lights, presents, family gatherings, etc. It's cold and gray and snowy or rainy, or warm and sunny, depending upon where you live. I like winter, mostly because I am an indoors sort of girl.

Let's see what the peeves were like years ago in late January:

Jen14221 was hatin' on her new co-workers choices of ringtones.

Peeved Michelle's smugness turned into a teeth-brushing punishment.

Joanne didn't like the T-shirts that got shorter with each wash.

Nikki wasn't able to speaky the English while being accosted for causes.

Max couldn't figure out what the funk the bad smell was inside the fridge.

Peeves of Yore: Mid-January Edition

Ahhh, winter. It's been nice and cold so far. Even living in Georgia, I could use a nice, warm vacation somewhere tropical right about now. Oh well, let's suck it up and drive on. No whining allowed.

Here are peeves from mid-January from years past.

Jen14221 watched Open Water and had bad dreams about it.

Kate the Peon was letting the wannabes know what exactly umbrellas are used for.

Hazel's house did not have electrical outlets in the bathrooms. Dude...

Blaugra's sphincter was set ablaze by some delicious soup.

Max was wondering why Fox used the stupid Transformer guy during football games. They need to get this memo. It's still around.