The Peevery

Tooth and Nail

Yesterday was terrible. I went by my usual nail salon, where I've been going for pedicures for 15 years. They are gone. No "we've moved" sign, no forwarding address. Their phone number was disconnected. They were simply gone. They were old school. They didn't give you their cell phone numbers or have a website or keep an email list of clients so I don't know how to find them. I was there a month ago and it was business as usual so this must have been sudden and unexpected. And they were THE BEST. And cheap. They only raised their prices once in 15 years, by $1 per service.

Still reeling with shock, I drove to my dentist appointment. Where they informed me I will need dental surgery. AGAIN. My copay would be about $400, but $650 if I want sedation. YES I WANT SEDATION, MOTHER F'ERS!! Who gets a bone graft with no sedation? Not this wimp. So yes, it was a bad day.

Waiting by the Phone

Dear Person Who Said She Would Call Me Yesterday,

Now it is today. FYI.

Still waiting,
Unknown Peever

Peeves of Yore: Not Donkey Schlong Juice

I am still alive and kicking, I did not succumb to the Heps! Woo hoo! Happy Friday, my friends. For those of you who have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about, please refer back to last weeks PoY. It's too painful for me to write about again. Moving along...

So, I was reading NY Daily news today and read an article about the show 'Fear Factor.' First of all, I didn't realize that it was back on television. The shit this show put people through for a skimpy $50k prize was the saddest display of desperation I'd ever witnessed. Anyway, it's back on television and I actually threw up in my throat when I read about their latest "stunt." The sickos at Fear Factor have decided that it will be amusing for viewers to watch contestants chug-a-lug Donkey jiz, served up with a side of Donkey piss. Who knows if they'll actually allow the episode to air, but that is so not the point. The point is, people actually did it. They actually drank Donkey population paste! And, for $50k?! I don't believe there is any amount of money in the world that would lure me into that kind of stunt. People are stupid. Stupid, silly, desperate, money whoring people. What will they think of next?

In other stupid people related news... Remember the show Family Feud? Did you know that show is back on the boob tube, also? Well, look what happened this week. Priceless. Yet another fine display of human stupidity - actually it could be a fine display of one really genius intern. I'm hoping for the intern
(hopefully one of mine).

Ladies and gentlemen, for your reading pleasure, this week's PoY will be a mixed bag-o-fun! May it be just as much fun as a barrel of monkeys. If you don't think so, suck it.

I would have told the nurse to go fuck herself if all I heard was "push hard" too, Kayteadee. However, it would have been for a whole different reason. I would be afraid of shitting myself. Then again, it would probably get her to shut the hell up, right? Child birth scares the shit out of me - probably literally.

If you have yet to locate it, Blaugra, I suggest you blame the theft on this crazy Beverly Hills Housewife. As Erin put it, "she's got enough for a third world country of upper lips." She's got a stiff...a stiff upper lip.

The only reason I am posting this, is because it took me over a half hour to actually "get it." The "ah ha" moment came when I was in the ladies room too. I actually said, "Oh! I get it!" The woman in the stall next to me said, "Do you need a tampon?" <Insert totally confused Juice pee racing to hightail it out of that weird situation> SANTALS! Kate the Peon is so clever. Yes, I did stop to wash my hands. But I chose to air dry.

Jen14221, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I really don't think FULL GLASS OF WINE represents this amazing spill. The mammoth amount of spillage you've got there leads me to believe that you're drinking a bucket-o-wine. My kind of lady!

Enjoy your weekend, my friends! If you get bored, I'm sure there's a place that will have a glass or two full of Donkey spunk for you to play drinking games with! Take pictures, please!

 

 

No Blessing For You!

I know people can't help it, but, when someone sneezes over and over and over again, I really want to punch them in the face. A few minutes ago, I had a nine sneeze stint. About a minute ago, I added five more sneezes. I desperately want to punch myself in the face.

Pen me in, dammit!

Here's the thing. If I make plans with you, those are the plans.

The negotiation took place days ago. The terms have been agreed upon and are not subject to change with less than 24 hours notice.    

OK, emergencies are an exception, but that's it. Illness is included, obviously.

You cannot just call me up in the morning and expect me to be all excited that the plans we made are now changing for no reason whatsoever. I need logic. I need manners.

To paraphrase George Costanza, "We're living in a society here!"

I'd rather catch an STD than your bouquet

Dear Brides

I'm genuinely happy that you found the love of your life. Thank you for inviting me to the wedding. I had a great time! And I support your decision to have all the traditional moments, including the bouquet toss. But the part where the DJ calls me BY NAME on to the dance floor to catch that bouquet? Such a depressing moment that makes me want to end my pathetic single life. OK, perhaps that's a bit dramatic. At the very least it makes me want to kick someone in the FUPA. Future brides: please take note. Thanks!

I don't feel tardy

Being late and not calling me is probably one of the worst things you can do to me. OK, that's obviously not true, but it's something so easily avoidable in this day and age that it's unacceptable.

Now, if you have a valid reason for being late like your car almost exploded on I-80 or your foot fell off on the way to the garage, that's fine.  But, you need to call, text or otherwise contact me as soon as you realize you are going to be more than 10 minutes late.

Also, I shouldn't have to call you to find out what happened.  Especially, if you live within 2 blocks walking distance of our meeting spot and it's a beautiful day out. I'm not your mother.  You are an adult. Figure it out. Millions of other people do it on a regular basis.

Just about everyone and their children has a cell phone strapped to their person 99% of the time. Be courteous and let me know you are going to flake or are running late because a rabid marmoset got into your house while you were leaving... So I don't look like an angry dumbass while waiting for you in public.

What's really sad? I've been stood up more by friends than dates.  In fact, I've never been stood up by a date. (Knocks on wood).  I could understand if a total stranger flaked on me.  There are tons of weirdos out there and I barely know the guys I find online.  But when a friend flakes, I begin to question my choices.  Am I that forgettable?  Am I a total bitch? 

Clogged Up

Two years ago, WalMart built a Super Center a couple miles from my house. I loved shopping there because the aisles were really wide; wide enough that even three old ladies congregating to talk about stool softeners and parking their carts sideways still left enough room to leisurely walk around them.

Now, every wide aisle is crammed with some pallets of sale crap right in the middle of it.  Hell, it's like there's a law against shopping without contact. Those three old ladies now bring the entire store to a standstill. You'd think their stool would have softened up by now.

Representation Without Taxation

In light of the increasing anticipation of the 2012 United States federal election, I am reminded that:

1. I cannot vote in the UK because I am not a citizen, so I pay taxes but have no representation.

2. I cannot vote in Canada because, though I am a citizen and have only recently emigrated, I have no plans to return in the next 4 years and apparently that invalidates my basic rights as a citizen.

3. I CAN vote in the United States, despite the fact that I haven't lived there since I was 11 years old (19 years ago) and have never paid a dime of tax.

All of this makes absolutely no sense to me, but I vote in US elections anyway because I want to vote for something somewhere, damn it!

Save it!

Politicians...you want me to vote for you in the Presidential election next year?  There is an issue that everyone has lived with for too long that needs to be addressed.  

That's right, you need to END DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.  Or maybe keep it.  

Either way, if you can get Congress to stop making me change the damn clock twice a year, I will vote for you.  

Let's be honest, we're not actually saving any time when the clocks move around.  If we are, we spend it just as quickly as it accumulates...kind of like the cash in my savings account.

 

Debbie Downer

I have a Facebook friend who likes to post about how hard she has it.  Her posts are always "woe is me" and really over the top with self pity. I can only tolerate this victim shit for so long. The worst part is, her so-called "tragic" life is not nearly as dramatically bad as she thinks it is.  I am close to de-friending her.  

I make plans, and God (or my Board) laughs

I've spent the past month putting together a face-to-face meeting for one of my committees; the meeting kicks off with dinner tonight and ends around 3:00 tomorrow afternoon based on multiple exchanges confirming everyone's availability. I did catering, hotel reservations for the three people who needed them, compiled the materials, the whole shebang.

The one local member shot one of the execs an email today "...just giving you a heads-up that I won't be there on Wednesday." Now I'm back to square one, because I need to have the full committee take part in the discussions, and the decisions being made are long overdue.

Little House On The Parkway

The other day, I ran into my wife in the kitchen of our house. By which I mean I actually bumped into her as she was walking by me. She kept going, muttering "I hate this house" along the way. On the way back through she muttered "this house is too small."

That marked approximately the 8,222,467th and 8,222,468th time she bitched about the size of OUR SMALL 972 SQUARE FOOT HOUSE. I know it's small. Either deal with it or get two more jobs so we can afford a bigger one, but in any case don't bitch about it again or I swear to God that I'll move out to the garage.

Oh, wait, we don't have a garage. Shit.

Just gnarly

First, I come home to a dead rat in the bushes next to my porch.  Now, it looks like some sort of small animal has vomited in my driveway.  It's the remnants of another animal, no less.  

When will the disgusting surpises end?!?  

Also, did I mention that the FedEx guy put a package from P&G (compliments of Blogher '11) right where the dead rat had been laying?  

I'm running out of Lysol.

How is this better, Bill Gates?

For about 20 years or so, I've been using MS Word. There are only a few functions I don't know how to use.  Why the "geniuses" at Microsoft decided to fuck around with the software is beyond me.* 

Hey, your entire industry uses the form toolbar?  Guess what? Not anymore, bitch!  You know where everything is on the menus?  Think again, sucker!

What used to take me 10 minutes to do, now takes me 30 because I have to spend time trying to figure out how to see the goddamn gridlines in a table!  

Oh, and that Calibri font makes my eye twitch. 

 

*Yes I know I'm 4 years late in this peeve, but there's obviously a reason I've resisted the upgrade for so long. It sucks donkey balls.

But not you!

I hate everyone.

Call Me Crazy

Dear Self,

Every day for the past 15 years you've ingested some kind of little pill in order to keep you from going bonkers. How hard is it to remember that? Perhaps you'll remember feeling like this giant pile of shit and won't ever forget the little pill again.

Love,
You

Game Over

Two words that can suck it: Vacation. Over.

Neighborhood Coneheads

One thing that REALLY peeves me off is when neighbors place cones or garbage cans on the street in front of their homes to save parking space. Not only is it illegal, but some of these people have driveways which makes it that much more obnoxious. The rowdy teenager in me wants to troll around the neighborhood and steal or kick them all down.

Too Airheaded to Peeve

I've had at least five instances in the past week during which something peeve-worthy happened when I had no access to any of my reminder techniques (computer, notepad, voicemail) and I got so distracted by the other crap that I had to take care of that I'd forgotten what I was planning to peeve about.

I blame my CEO, my children and my middle-aged brain.

Regrets Only

Where: Every busy gas station in the greater Pittsburgh area

When: Any time of the day or night    

What: Move your damn ass car to a parking spot when you are done filling up and before you go inside to pay, buy your chew, order a 4-course meal, or drop a log. 

Totally Inconvenient

My favorite Wawa convenience store changed overnight to a crappy-ass shitty-coffee-making bad-hoagie Pantry 1.

Wawa has a cult following. Their coffee bar rocks my world. And it's fun to say.

I walked up to the door, saw the new sign, noticed that all my favorite Wawa workers who sing to me and call me "Hon" were gone and I exclaimed, "NOOOOOOOO!" loudly enough for the manager to hear me. Bad start to my day.

Not Funny. Seriously.

I have a close friend who just found out she has stage 4 cancer. I have no idea what to do for her or for her primary caregiver. "Just being there" feels lame. Peevery readers, what would you do?

This is Why Health Premiums are High

My 50 year old coworker spent yesterday moving boxes around in our department's storage space. Today she is sore. This is normal. Anyone would be sore after moving boxes for 6 hours. She has decided to go to the doctor.  I desperately want to say to her - seriously?  SERIOUSLY? People like you are why insurance premiums are so high.

Not again!

Words most often spoken by my professor:

"I'm not saying it's good, bad or otherwise, it just IS WHAT IT IS."

IS IT? Aaargh!

The Cold Truth

Our company participates in some energy curtailment project, which rewards our company for reducing electricity usage during times of peak demand.  We usually get a day's advance warning, and the reduction is temporary, usually lasting either an hour or occasionally an afternoon. 

We received an e-mail yesterday informing us of a curtailment event from 11:00 AM to 12:00 PM today.  Promptly at 11:00 AM we received a reminder e-mail, and I went on battery power for my laptop and unplugged my cell phone.  The Facilities guys then turned the heat off.  The whole place got deathly quiet.  About 20 minutes later, half the fucking people in the area were complaining and calling facilites to report that the heat must be broken.  One of these people went so far as to dramatically sigh, "Well, I cooooould put my sweater on."  I think the temperature in the place went down 4 degrees. 

I'd hate to pay these peoples' heating bills.  They must keep their houses at 80 degrees!  And would it kill them to read a fucking e-mail?  GET OFF MY LAWN!

If they knew, they wouldn't be asking you.

You know what really, really, you know, peeves me? When someone is being, you know, interviewed on television, and you know, every other word is, you know.

I usually have to change the channel or go crazy listening to, you know.

Quality is Job 1! Or Maybe Job 2. Or Whatever.

After multiple instances of having my briefing book printed in house with less than stellar results (missing pages, inconsistent fonts on tabs, words mis-spelled on tabs, etc.), I informed the director that I would be outsourcing my books for this meeting. The VP in charge has finally gotten wind of my decision and wants to know what needs to happen for me to come back to using our internal printing service.

Here's a novel idea- do the job right the first time. QC check your work and don't act as though it's up to the customer to make sure you actually followed the most basic steps that go into your daily work.

Yes, I Can Control Time

When I call to order a pizza, have tech support come to the classroom, or have an electrician come out to the house, I am given a timeframe when the food/nerd/butt crack will arrive. If said food/nerd/butt crack hasn't shown up 3-5 minutes after the scheduled time do not look to me to make the person magically appear. I have no control over other people or the time-space continuum. If it bothers you that much, then you should handle it.    

Chewing 101: A Refresher Course

Step 1: Open mouth.

Step 2: Bite apple.

Step 3: CLOSE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH.

Step 4: Chew.

Anyone who skips Step 3, or begins Step 4 without completing Step 3, is a disgusting cow who should not be allowed to work in an office.

Seriously?

I help grant money to charities. We just passed one of our grant deadlines. I over-explicitly, even kind of bitchily (hard to believe, I know,) instruct grant applicants that their application materials must be in my hands by 5:00 PM on the deadline date.

So, if you were asking for money, would you say any of the following to the person making the grants?

• "But I didn't read your letter, so I didn't notice the deadline. Can't I get it in later?"
• "I didn't see an email [sent three months ago] about your grant opportunity until today! Why didn't I know about it sooner?"
• "I'm sending you my grant application, but only half of the required materials will be included. I'll send the other half later, OK?"
• "We don't really have any of that required financial information stuff about our organization, so I'm not providing any."

Seriously.

Just flush, please

My life is seriously in the toilet.

Spam Spam Spam Spam Cheese Eggs and Spam

I appreciate you taking the time to advertise your product on this website with a completely irrelevant response to my peeve post.  Given the captcha system for posting comments, I assume you are personally posting each piece of spam, and therefore send my deepest (non)sympathy for the lack of anything better for you to do than spend all day attempting to direct people to your website with stupid comments on random websites.

Real comments welcome.  Spammers can go to hell.

I advocate a low tech lunch.

12:30 in the afternoon is not an appropriate time to be sitting alone at a 4 seater at the cafe, tapping away on a laptop. This guy had no food and no one came to sit with him the whole time I was there, so I consider him just a waste of space. The cafe doesn't even have WiFi.

Chill Out

If one more driver honks at me when I am stopped at a pedestrian crosswalk waiting for someone to cross, I am going to put a curse on their entire family.

Never buy a microwave off Craigslist.

I didn't buy mine off Craigslist, but it's something that I learned recently after discovering that cockroaches were living in my microwave. You see, roaches are at the very top of my list of fears, which makes me OCD about cleaning the house. So you can imagine my distress upon realizing that the vermin were residing in one of my appliances, the one that I use to heat up food everyday. Holy shhh...I almost had a heart attack. I never knew this sort of thing could happen, but after googling my issue I found out that people have this problem all the time. Apparently, roaches like to live in electronics such as microwaves, rice cookers, TVs, computers, etc...

I don't know what pisses me off more, the fact that I had to trash a perfectly good microwave or the idea that there are more roaches crawling around my kicthen in search of another appliance to invade.

Oh, and heed my warning - it turns out that there are tons of people who not only invest their money in a used microwave but also end up adopting the cockroaches that come with it. eek!

It Really Is Very Important Information

That line on the information packet you receive when you refilled your prescription?  The one that says do not discontinue use without first consulting your physician?  Yeah, that's a pretty important little tidbit.  You think you would take that seriously because the last four times you discontinued use without first consulting your physician it didn't go so well.  And since you're not the only person affected by the consequences of discontinuing use without first consulting your physician, I hope you learn your lesson this time. 

Mood Disorders Can Suck It

My daughter is back in the hospital. Her brother missed her terribly and almost cried before we even left the ER. The non-peeve part of this peeve is that, unlike her last inpatient experience, we were on our way to said facility at a decent hour (7:30ish instead of midnight) and my tire did not blow out on the highway. It's a sad state of affairs when the best I can do for finding a bright side is "I didn't almost lose control of my vehicle in the wee hours of morning while on my way to committing my offspring."

Can you hear my blood boiling?

For the second time in less than a week, I've seen toddlers on the laps of passengers in vehicles. There are no seatbelts being used.

Yes, I will judge you for this. There are no excuses for this to which I would ever say, "Oh, okay, that makes sense."

A Little Bit Cranky

It's been over a month since I last had sex, and even longer before that time.  I am not a Catholic priest nor locked up in a convent, though being committed to an institution might be an option if this keeps up much longer.

Home Alone

I have not been alone in my house for longer than two hours since my son was born on October 8th, 2009.  This means that I have not been able to paint or do any other home improvement task other than changing a light bulb for at least a year.  This also explains why the next time someone else in my household over the age of thirty complains about the half-painted cupboards, I may just lose it.

Fw:Info you requested again

I've gotten two phone calls today from work people wondering about some information that I was supposed to send them. If they would ever check their goddamn work email they would find that information in their inbox.

I'm so upset I can't even formulate a pithy title.

It would be very helpful if hospital people would indicate that, "Yes, a space is available in the program tomorrow as long as you get the paperwork to us by 4:00," really means, "Yes, a space is available right now, but if we feel like giving it to someone else in the next couple hours, jumping through hoops to meet our 4:00 deadline will be a moot point."

Are there any educational psychologists out there who would like to come homeschool my daughter so that she won't end up missing so much of seventh grade that she has to repeat it?

One-Note Peeving

When a single big horrid issue is basically controlling one's life, it is difficult to find new and exciting things about which to Peeve.

On the bright side, this creates a Peeve all its own.

Dead Zone

I received an exciting offer in the mail, from a cemetery.  Apparently it's now time for me to reserve my cemetery plot. Fuckers.

Who Uses These Anymore?

This morning as I left for work, I found my FOURTH phonebook on the doorstep of my apartment.  I left it there in a fit of righteous indignation because I've lived in this apartment only five months and I have received four phone book deliveries.  This is the second delivery within two weeks.  It is 2010.  Who even uses phone books anymore?  I hate receiving them and the waste they represent.

My Landlady, She Sucks Beyond Sucks

Remember the last part of "Madame Bovary," where a public notice of foreclosure and sale of property is posted on Emma's door?

Let's just say that the same thing happened to us two days ago, since Landlady has apparently not made a mortgage payment in, oh, probably four years and neglected to tell us anything about it.

Auction is October 6, if anybody wants to buy a house.

What's in a Name?

I work for a company of 800 people. Over 100 of them, when they give me their name, say this is Dr. Soandso without giving me a first name. Why in the hell is our email system set up to search by first name only? I swear 25% of our company don't even go by their given first name.

A Tuesday Grammar Lesson

I cringe when I hear or read someone use the phrase "off of." It is not grammatically correct, according to this website. 

What would Clark Griswold do?

Why do I get such flak for being almost done with my Christmas shopping? I shop throughout the year. If I see something I think someone might like, I buy it, so come the Christmas season, I'm prepared.

I'm not crazy. We're a single-income military family, so waiting until the last minute to buy everything would be hard on the wallet. I have the time, so what's the big fucking deal? I also hate crowds, and refuse to step foot in a major department store after Thanksgiving.

I get to spend the entire Christmas season enjoying my family, not stressing over shopping.