The Peevery

Just say no.

If I ask you for a favor, and you either can't or don't want to do it, then just tell me. Don't ignore four phone calls, two emails, and several texts. It is also irritating when you miraculously pick up your phone the day after said favor is needed and claim you didn't know. It is called "being a grown up" and you should join us here in the real world sometime.

Peeves of Yore: A Very Juicy January

Well, another year has come and almost gone. I'll be honest, the first part of my year pretty much sucked balls. Sure, a few highlights in there from time to time, but nothing worth writing home about. My year really started to improve greatly toward the end of the summer months. Since then, I have to say that I am pretty blissfully happy. Don't you worry though, that sure didn't stop me from finding peeves to chuck out into the world through my lovely Peevery outlet. Thank goodness, for The Peevery! 

I thought about doing this weeks PoY all about New Years Eve parties, New Years Resolutions, New Years Admissions, etc. Then I thought, "why?" While I am supremely excited about my NYE plans for tomorrow evening (including the little get-up i'll be sporting...totally outside of my box), I really haven't had anything exciting years past. Do I make NY Resolutions? Nope. Do I have anthing to admit as the New Year rears its ugly head? Not a thing! Therefore, I will be skipping to Peeves from the lovely months of January. Let's take a walk through our past January's and see what we find? I'm guessing there will be some pretty juicy stuff. Winter months typically bring out the hostility in people. Hell, we should all just be required to purchase neon lights for the long winter months...especially in the midwest. 

January 2011: Okay, Max. I may have to disagree with the Aeron chair comment. If, in fact, the Aeron chair has movable arm rests that allows the user to, in some sense, "flap their wings like a bird (horizontally, of course)," I would totally put it in the Euro sports car category. I've seen the Aeron chair sans the movable arm rests, and well, those poor souls are missing out. Those are the ones wearing Peppermint Pattie shoes. Seriously?! Anyone who complains about any Aeron chair is just a silly person...I think they are the Rolls Royce of chairs. Can you tell I've run into this type of conversation before? 

January 2010: Don't worry, Joanne! The movie Bridesmaids does a fine job of displaying appropriate puking etiquette. Since the gal is puking in the proper receptacle, they offer us another solution, should one have a problem with the "other opening."

January 2009: I feel you Jen14221. Seriously, I truly believe it's "those people" who refuse to just sit their ass down on the can. Instead, they hover over it like a freaking UFO. Look what happens?! Trust me, they see what they've done. I am willing to wager that they haul ass out of there as fast as possible (with out washing their hands) so nobody knows who did it. 

January 2008: Just let it rip, Michael. Besides, trying to temper it down to a more appropriate word, such as, "roostersucker" just doesn't have the same effect, you know?

January 2011: I agree, Nikki. There is a similar thought in the real estate industry. When you see a property advertised as "charming," steer clear! Nothing whimsical or charming about that, I promise.

Well, there you have it, my friends. The last Peeves of Yore for 2011. May your holiday be full of fun and laughter. Also, be sure to take pictures of weird people doing weird things, since we are pushing for pictures peeves in 2012! Juice, out.

If I Had a Gun for Every Ace I've Drawn,

Why do people say "I can't win for losing?"

I understand the point is to communicate abject failure not due to the fault of the speaker, but this expression makes no sense.  If you are constantly losing, then of course you would not win so why would that even be an expectation?  Why waste breath saying that then?

Can you hear me now?

Through out the past couple of months I have been taking note of things people say out loud. Especially things I'm guessing they think nobody else can hear? These are things I've heard at work, the gas station, grocery store, Target, etc. I have decided that today is the day that I will educate the masses on what I have heard. It's a good thing too, because I've been overflowing with excitement to get these out, as I have been hiding them in my little brain for quite some time. 

Woman yelling on the phone at Target: "Stop licking your sister there!"

Overheard at the gas station: "My bag ain't ghetto. Ghetto is a noun, not adjective. My bag is from the ghetto, fool."

Passing by two college age guys: "Dude, would you rather be burned alive, or forced to eat human crap?" (I'm guessing someone just play the game 'Would You Rather'?)

Two college-age girls in the feminine product aisle at the grocery store: "I really don't want to have sex with him anymore. Should I just, like, tell him I have "herps" or something?"

Mom to (soon to be fat) kid at mall: "Just eat another taco. We'll look for a McDonalds for you as soon as we leave."

Overheard man on cell at Walgreens: "Just had my vasectomy reversed. Shit, the things we do for love, right?"

Two young college-age looking guys: Guy #1: "Give it back to me, or I'll cut you motherf*cker. Guy #2: "Cut me? I'll kill you, bitch. I'm motherf*cking dolomite, yo."

I have a few more, but I'll save those for a rainy day. Happy Thursday, everyone. You're welcome.

Things I Hate Right Now

• Any song by Genesis
• My personal training sessions
• Christmas cookies
• My wide feet
• Christina Applegate's character in Up All Night
• Thinking about going back to work after holiday break

Marco? Polo!

Looking for my self-confidence, has anyone seen it? Oh, wait... I have to find it myself, don't I?

Bittersweet Traffic

On the one hand, I love my morning commute this week each year because it takes me about 15 minutes to get to work when usually it takes me 30.  On the other hand, it makes me sad because that means I'm one of the few saps actually going to work and everyone else is happy and cozy in bed.

Peeves of Yore: Holiday Special on Juice

The countdown to the end of my day began the moment I walked in the door this morning. As I drove to work this morning, I kept thinking that the commute was so easy and light. Then it dawned on me - I must be the only dumb ass going to the office today. I mean really. Do employers really think any amount of reasonable work will be completed today? It doesn't matter if you're 15 or 55, when the whispers of "long weekend" become bellowing screams, you drop your shit and run like hell toward all the noise.

I attended my anal annual office Christmas party on Tuesday. It was at a winery. On a dirt road. In the middle of nowhereville. It reminded me of the movie Deliverance. All in all, it was a pretty successful event. It was quite the surprise to all of us that our employers were actually picking up the bar tab for the evening. Never happens. Needless to say, we drank like fish simply to spite them. Just kidding. We would have ingested that much no matter what. When you have 60+ people  (not including the "plus ones"), what is the best game to play? Oh, yes! Everyone bring a white elephant gift! Holy balls, it took forever to get through that damn game. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I brought the best gift. Do you agree?

Tis the season! What better way to end this week than with some Christmas peeves? Happy Holidays, and enjoy a look back at the things that piss us off the most during "the most wonderful time of the year."

You'd think my cat would have learned her lesson from last year. Nope. And the fun began again last night. P.S. The only light option this year was colored.

Blaugra, ever notice how the fruit stand alone in almost every case? I mean seriously, if you're going to put some fruit in a holiday basket, at least douse it with chocolate or some sweet shit like that. The fruit just reminds me of how much I'm eating like a heffer lately.

Peeved Michelle, I wonder if they had this training during the office holiday party season in hopes it would keep people from touching no-no areas after they've had a wee bit too much yuletide egg nog?

Joanne, fast forward to this year. May I add to your list? I will either way. I'd like to include Lindsay Lohan, Suri Cruise, Angelina Jolie (sorry, but true), and anyone who has the last name of Kardashian. In fact, anyone with the initials K.K.. Wait! I have one more. Anyone named Kris Jenner (She doesn't deserve a video). That is all.

Seriously, Joanne? You just tell that little niece of yours to suck it up and appreciate the gift she received. If she doesn't, just knock her down and take the game back so you can play it until your eyes are red and swollen from staring at the screen.

Well, I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, at least it's a few days off from the depths of hell we call our offices. Now, take it away New Kids on the Block - Funky, Funky Christmas!

Drive Me Crazy

Looking forward to spending Christmas in Buffalo.

Not looking forward to the 7-8 hour drive and having to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to beat the NYC traffic...with two small (sometimes screaming) children.

Cocky

The past several years, when I sent Christmas presents I also enclosed an envelope that had all the receipts in case they wanted to return anything.  This year I got cocky. For my niece's birthday I bought her what I considered to be a rather gruesome video game, figuring she'd love it since she loves scary movies and Six Flags Scream and haunted houses and all that stuff. She says it might be too scary for her. I threw away the receipt two weeks ago. Oops.

Overkill

Groupon. I like to see the daily deals for my city.  What I'm already tired of (and have unsubscribed from but apparently it can take a little while) is Grouponicus, Groupon goods, Groupon travel, Groupon everything except Groupon Fort Worth.  It is too much. They're drowning me in Groupons! Also the word "Grouponicus" makes me want to punch someone.

Shut Up, Keep It Down Now

There are several Christmas songs that I think the addition of lyrics sounds hokey and contrived.  Way better as instrumental compositions. These include the following.

• Sleigh Ride
• Carol of the Bells
• theme from Chariots of Fire.  Not Christmas but so lame when sung by I believe it was Melissa Manchester.

Attn: Sam the Butcher

Dear Sam:

Stop tucking pieces of fat underneath the slabs of beef I buy on occasion. I know you're trying to get more bang for your brisket, more ching for your chuck roast, but I'm on to you and pissed off. I'm withholding all sexual favors.

Signed,

Alice*

*from The Brady Bunch, remember?

Gastronomic Justification

I firmly contend that breaking cookies in half before I eat them will cause some of the calories to leak out. Also, oatmeal-toffee chip cookies (as well as oatmeal molasses bread) are healthy because they have oatmeal in them, and everyone knows that oatmeal is good for your heart. Forget about the butter and sugar I used to make them; the oatmeal cancels it all out.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh my vagina!

There are some things you shouldn't share on Facebook. Namely, the fact that your uterus is tilted and that sometimes sex is painful.

I think someone Long Mis-Counted

By the way, you have a year left until the Mayan Apocalypse, so start shopping now!

Do I have to really tell people that the world isn't going to end on a neatly numerical day like 12/21/2012. Plus, how do you even know the math is correct. Has anyone checked their work against the answer sheet?

So now do we get to party like it's 2012 or are people just going to stockpile crap like they allegedly did in 1999?

Either way, everyone just calm down. I would hate to think that this is my last Christmas and that I might die a spinster. I need to get some more dating experience under my belt before we're all blown to kingdom come.

And that's the other problem I have with this end of the world stuff. How the hell does anyone know how the world's going to end? Has it happened before? No. It's all just speculation. Why can't the world end in fluffy bunny slippers for all? Does it have to be so horrific?

Pin(e)s and Needles

When will the cats finally knock over the Christmas tree? The waiting is driving me crazy.

It's My Mouth And I'll Cry If I Want To

I was in the dentist's office for over 2 hours yesterday, getting a filling and a crown done in the same quarter of my mouth. And I cried.

In my defense, I only cried because the dentist LEFT ME with a ton of mold-making goopy stuff in my mouth and told me to bite down, breathe through my nose, and hold it for 7 minutes.

Know what happens when you start dry heaving and retching while trying to keep your mouth closed?

Yeah. You choke. I thought I was going to die. So I hopped up out of that chair, found the dentist, had him take the shit out of my mouth, and commenced with full-body shaking.

I can't believe I'm going to end up paying money for this shit, either.

Mele Kalikimaka

Somehow this song has entered through my ears and implanted itself in my brain. What makes it even worse is that I only know the first line and keep humming or singing the ONE line over and over again like a crazy person. Help!

Family Party at the Hospital!

Not only did my daughter have a trip to the ER on a night when my husband was working late and totally unavailable to be around, but my mom (who stepped in to help by picking up the boys) fell and broke her wrist at the school. I think that bouncing around from pediatric ER to adult ER to waiting room/triage to playroom accounted for a few miles of walking, though, so I got my requisite exercise for the day.

Hats Off!

No, seriously. Take 'em off. I know it's winter, but your choice in headgear is absolutely ridiculous. Once one reaches thirty-five or so, it's time to stop buying hats that look like a panda trying to devour one's head.

Poo-mergency

Rain + dog poo + slick sidewalk = me slipping and almost breaking my neck. I'd like to find the irresponsible dog owner and rub his/her nose in it. I'm glad I didn't sustain a poo-cussion. Or have to go to the poo-spital.

Time for a Brain Transplant

If 2:00 PM is the designated time of our conference call, why would you call me at 1:40 PM and say, "I know our call is set up for 2:00, but I wasn't sure when you wanted me to call in."?  Yeah, um, the answer is 2:00.

 

The Itchy Phase

The six stitches in my hand have reached that phase where they ITCH. I can't scratch them. Oh holy cow they itch. Seriously with the itching.

Christmas Shopping is Hard!

My girl friend said she couldn't think of anything to give me for Christmas.  So, in order to help her out here are some excerpts of conversations over the last few days.

Me:  Here is a web site with several lightweight and inexpensive backpacks

She: You already have too many, so I'm not buying you another one.

Okay.

Me: Here is a catalogue called Territory Ahead that has several sweaters that look nice.

She:  No, all their stuff looks lumpy.

Okay.

Me:  Here is an Orvis catalogue.  They have some cool things in there.

She:  No, their stuff is all frumpy and old man like a potato sack.

Okay.

Me:  Here is a circular pizza oven on Amazon.com.  It looks rather infomercially but according to all the good reviews it is a legit product.

She:  No, I don't want to further clutter up the counter space.

Ripping Off the BandAid

I should have kept my mouth quiet about wanting to hear Christmas songs. My boss has just declared that "Do They Know It's Christmas Time at All?" is her favourite Christmas song and now has it blasting from her computer. If there's one song that I absolutely cannot stand, it's that one. What an anthropologically misguided, condescending and plain ignorant song that is. They don't have snow in Africa, so they don't know it's Christmas, and they're all probably going to die tonight, so buy this album. Who knows if most people in the depths of Ethiopia even give a flying frack about Christmas? So now I get to hear that as often as she can hit "replay".

Peeves of Yore: Let the Juice Breath Before Another Serving

As much as I couldn't wait to release my little interns into the world, and into the hands of someone else, who I'm sure will absolutely LOVE them... It was also kind of sad. Now, I'm stuck doing stuff that I really don't want to do. I have to wait until January for the new truckload to arrive. I do feel bad for those kids, as I will be extremely cranky by then due to the lack of "help" for a month. May the digestive gods have mercy on their souls, so they don't crap their pants when they first meet me. Anyone who craps their pants is automatically told to kick rocks.

Anyway, I have decided to take a walk down memory lane this week for the PoV. This week, the PoV is dedicated to my interns. I love them, I hate them, I hate to love them... If they have chosen not to love me back, well, they'll see my love in the grade I have given them for the semester. Sadly, some failed to remember who actually holds who by the balls for three months. Suckers.

August 31: The semester started less than a week ago. Apparently, this crop of newbies doesn't think I'll remember the mysterious "flu" they both had come time to grade their performance for the semester. Think again, dipshits. Think again. You've met your match.

September 7: I really hope their next boss has the pleasure of experiencing an intimate moment such as this. Make Momma proud! Spread your 'awesomeness' to your next internship (or I dare say, real world job...<shudder>).

September 12: If you're looking for a lesson in class, read this. Then do the exact opposite. If you have a laugh that sounds like a hyena, I am very sorry for you.

March 11: Fiddling with things while you look down at your crotch does not win you any points in...well...anything. Giggling while you do it, does not help one little bit either.

January 17: I would have never thought that interns love to stuff envelopes so much! At least two of them are on envelope duty each week! My colleagues love me for it, and all I tell them is that I have these crazy bird interns who screw up on purpose so they can stuff envelopes all day long. I am so lucky!

Goodness, this PoV sure brought back some darn good memories over the past year. If I were forced to choose between perfectly behaved, and quiet interns or The Breakfast Club interns that came wrapped in a bright red bow to me this year... Without a doubt in my mind, I would choose The Breakfast Club clowns. They may have taken a few decades off of my life, but damn it, it was worth it. Just don't ever let them know that. They are still scared shitless of me.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Friday is Canceled

I normally work from home on Fridays. Occasionally, my monthly meeting with senior execs is scheduled on a Friday. I come in for that. I don't ask the CEO the reschedule so that I can work in my jammies. Today is one of those Fridays. Since I knew I'd be in the office, I accepted a couple other meeting requests. So, when my senior exec meeting was canceled yesterday afternoon, I was still on the hook for coming in today. An hour before one of the other meetings was set to start, when I was already so close to the office it would be ridiculous to turn around and go home, it was canceled. Now, the only meeting I have left is a 30-minute meeting at noon for which I could have called in.

Perfect Fatality

The word flawed is already way overused by talentless hacks of varieties both political and news reporter. 

But can't they come up with some adverb, any one, other than deeply to modify this poor, undeniably irreparably defenseless, severely unresuscitably beaten down adjective?

Second-Hand Peeve, misplaced variety

I went out to dinner and the next table over was about a dozen people on happy hour.  Judging by their appearance and conversation, I'd say they were first year staffers at a Big 4 consultancy.

One of the especially loud girls said she was at work that day and had been remarking to the whole room how much she hated sweater vests, only to find her manager wearing one, and much embarrassment ensued.  Apparently this article of clothing is sufficiently loathsome that she continued her rant at the happy hour.

I am not a huge fan of the sweater vest, but I have a couple in my closet.  They are fine if you want to wear a jacket, and want to be able to move your arms too.  Why the hatred for the friendly sweater vest, whose only shortcoming is to obligingly try to keep the chill off of a frozen nerd?  This was one of the sillier peeves I have heard in a long time.  Especially considering that several of this girl's dinner companions belong on HCWD

Perfect Timing

It's only when I'm feeling gassy that someone decides to enter my work cubicle.

Doubting My Commitment to Sparkle Motion

If you're going to send me a glitter-filled card, the next gift you send had better be a Dyson vacuum. I'm going to need the proper amount of suction to get that glitter off my floors, my hands, and my husband.

Too Much Tuna

I like tuna fish, and inevitably end up with tuna juice on my hands when I drain it from the can.

But ... my hands end up smelling like dead fish for the rest of the day, regardless of how many times I wash my hands.

Let's Hear Those Sleighbells Jingling

Normally, I get frustrated at the fact that Christmas music on the radio begins on November 1st (at least it does in Canada). Two months ahead is ridiculous. But the UK doesn't seem to follow that silly practice. Instead, it is now December 7, less than three weeks to Christmas, and I have yet to hear anything other than the occasional Mariah Carey "All I Want for Christmas Is You" or "Dominic the Donkey". Where is the Christmas music?!

ABCDWTH

I wish my co-workers could alphabetize.

I Would Say My Biggest Weakness is that I Am Too Much of a Perfectionist

Every once in a while I come across an article on How To Manage Millennials or Generation Y In the Work Place.

These are generally total dreck that appear to be written by someone in his 20s who has never held a job, managed a company, or performed a service for which he hopes someone will pay some money.

They are chock full of personality and behavior traits that are exceedingly stupid and meaningless.  Some gems: 

•  "Millennials are used to working in teams and want to make friends with people at work. Millennials work well with diverse coworkers." [Ed-This is in sharp contrast to other generations who were raised as hermits and who have never seen a person of another race.]
• "Computer experts, millennials are connected all over the world by email, instant messages, text messages, and the Internet." [In my experience, unless your business relies on an X Box or Wii, you are out of luck.  These people, while adept in the art of the text message, are unable to perform basic data manipulation or analysis and the Microsoft Office titles are a total mystery to them]
• "Millennials want to enjoy their work. They want to enjoy their workplace. They want to make friends in their workplace. Worry if your millennial employees aren’t laughing, going out with workplace friends for lunch, and helping plan the next company event or committee. Help your long-term employees make room for the millennials." [Translation - Don't expect much productivity from these guys]
• “Listen to the millennial employee. Your millennial employees are used to loving parents who have scheduled their lives around the activities and events of their children. These young adults have ideas and opinions, and don't take kindly to having their thoughts ignored. After all, they had the best listening, most child-centric audience in history.” [This is in contrast to previous generations who obey every command mindlessly and are incapable of putting into words their ideas or thoughts about a given matter. Or, put another way, these 20-something guys already figure that they know everything]
• “[They are] Achievement-oriented with greater emphasis on outcome and results rather than the process used; uninterested in putting in the years for a promotion; prefers hard work and merit to determine success.”  [Translation - these guys come in the door expecting to be the boss without any performance, track record, or skills to back it up. Wow, these are radical ideas that have never been tried before:  I have always preferred to ignore the outcomes of my efforts in order to adhere to some rigid checklist of tasks. What kind of dumb statement is this? ]

All these articles seem to stress how hard working, knowledgeable, eager, adaptive, and valuable are the people of this age group.  In my experience it is quite the opposite.  They are incapable of writing a coherent, grammatically correct sentence yet expect to be praised for their efforts as though they had just produced the Magna Carta.  They don't want to put in the hours, and deadlines are made to be missed, yet they expect to be on the fast track to the executive suite. 

Tip - Keep your expectations of them low and you won't be disappointed.  And stay off my lawn!

Premium Services

Somehow I keep getting signed up for premium services for my cell phone. I don't recall signing up for anything. This is the THIRD time.  So now I've had a block put on, except this means I can't download new apps. That's fine. Obviously they are all just pissing me off anyway.

If It's Yellow Let Me Gag

Our monthly water bills have increased because of the mind-boggling amount of laundry that the baby produces. Normal people would search for and repair leaky pipes and dripping faucets, adjust water consumption behavior, or install water-saving hardware. Rather than do any of those things, my husband has decided that the best way to conserve water is to adopt the "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" philosophy when it comes disposing of bodily waste. It's just as gross as you'd imagine so I've begun flushing every toilet I walk past, regardless of content.

Vrrr Vrrr Vrrr

Happy Monday after Super Fun Girl's Weekend! The car won't start.

No Space

At the risk of insulting the parents of small children, I have to say I find it extremely annoying when in a small space, parents insist on using a damn stroller. While at the Empire State Building today, the walkway is MAYBE 5 feet wide and crammed with people and yet two different people were trying to push through with a stroller. Worse, they were holding their kids. Leave the stroller in the observation room.

Peeves of Yore: Juice Cocktail

So, did everyone enjoy a wonderful day of gluttonous eating? I did. Did I feel guilty for the next few days? Meh, not really. Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday, and this year was very special. My parents came to visit me - this is the first year in many they have not gone to my relatives house. In addition to giving my moms side of the family the finger, and coming out to visit their lovely daughter, they got to meet someone important in my life. We all had a great time. Okay, enough of the "feel good rambling." Let's get down to business.

My apologies, it's been a long week and I seem to be ending it on a slightly low note. I had to go to the doctor today, and I came out with some antibiotics. Don't worry, I don't have the skeevies or anything. Just your normal, everyday, yucky not feeling great. I shall overcome. Due to me feeling the need to "milk" this yucky feeling, I've decided that one of my side effects is going to be 'lack of focus.' Therefore, this weeks PoV is dedicated to variety. No rhyme or reason to the Peeves I chose to highlight. Well, for those of you who I do highlight - you're very welcome. Obviously, you caught my eye with your hilarious cynicism.

Erin, anything is better than a shart. You should be thankful it's just a little dribble.

Hazel, your classmate is either turning this activity into a sport or has just found himself/herself a new hobby. Either way, it's gross and one should never reveal that information.

Not where I'm from, Blaugra. It is the very first snow that turns them all into assholes. And were talking zero accumilation, more like rain - and it's too "warm" for it to turn to ice. They're all assholes when this happens where I'm from. I could shank a bitch.

Nothing better than having your heart pound so hard it feels like it's going to pop out...all while you're taking a dump due to the insane amount of energy liquid you ingested. Kate the Peon, what is your take on this?

Max, blame it on "Fiddy Cent" or "Fitty Cent" or whatever the hell he's calling himself nowadays.

Enjoy your weekend, all. Now, I'm outta here like a boner in sweatpants. Peace.