The Peevery

Bah Humbug the Song

I love Christmas music, but I will never understand the songs that are sad.  Seriously, Amy Grant, your song Grown Up Christmas makes me want to start bawling three notes in.

If I hear Judy Garland singing Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas, I wonder if she's being ironic.  Same thing with I'll Be Home for Christmas.  Really?  Will you?  No matter who sings that song, I don't believe them.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year?  

Fourth time is a charm?

I have lived in my current split-level home for ten years.  Yesterday marks the fourth time my family room has flooded. Not just a tiny amount of water either, no it is  squish up between your toes, splashing-as-you-walk-through-full-on standing water.  In previous situations, our homeowners insurance was no help.  In fact, I am still paying for the last time this happened, when I had to replace a wall and the carpet. (The carpet for the THIRD time).  Thankfully, I was smart enough to change insurance companies, and this time all I have to fork out is my deductible.  The smell of wet carpet is one of the worst smells there is, and I'm stuck until Friday when the disaster clean up people get here.  In addition, there seems to be no rational reason this keeps happening. The sump is working fine. It is as if the water just comes up from the floor.  I need more wine to deal with this.  

It's a lie. Size really does matter.

Dear Douchey Colleague,

Thank you so much for clogging up my email by sending a 45MB file. Really, I have nothing better to do than watch my send/receive creep up 1KB at a time. My boobs will be sagging down to my knees by the time your email finally comes through.

Sincerely,

Juice

Lips Like Jagger

What's with all the whistling in Top 40 radio songs these days? And why are you suddenly peeving me out, Maroon 5?

That's just fine.

I should just walk into a library, pay a fine and leave instead of bothering to search for a book, check it out, take it home, neglect to read it, and keep it past its due date. It would be more efficient.

Who's The Turkey Now?

Friday night with my family, and my sister was going to meet a friend for drinks at a bar around the corner. She asked if I had any money she could borrow. Being a good sister for once, I gave her ten bucks.

The next day, we're on our way to a craft fair. I ask my sister if she has my money, and am told she "can get it" for me.

Ooookay. We had another 24 hours together, no biggie.

Except when she bought herself earrings at the craft fair. With my money. And didn't thank me. Or offer to pay me back.

Guess we know who won that round.  

My New password is "$uck!t"

For security purposes, we are all having to change our network passwords to ones that meet new criteria, including at least three of the following: uppercase letter, lowercase letter, numerical character and non-alphanumeric character. Passwords can only be changed once within a day, must be at least eight characters long and cannot have been used as one of the previous ten passwords.

When I was prompted to change my password, the system rejected my first three attempts, saying they did not meet the criteria (although each was a password I have never used and contained all four of the required elements). The password that was finally accepted worked until my computer went into sleep mode. At that point, the system rejected my password as incorrect. My IT department issued a temporary password and I had to wait a day to change it. The following day I repeated the process (i.e., multiple viable passwords rejected, new password accepted, new password rejected upon computer locking, IT issued temporary password). Yesterday I tried to fill out two forms on our intranet, only to get messages saying the password was incorrect. I called IT to report the problem. Their advice was to change my network password again. The online forms didn't accept the new password, and this morning I could not log in to the network, so IT advised me to change my password again.

The good news is that I will soon be able to re-use the password I created two weeks ago, since I am already on my sixth password and the restriction only applies to reusing the past ten. 

 

Where I Come From, It's Called "Doin' the Hibbity Dibbity"

The new people who just moved into the in-law behind our house already have three strikes against them:

1) The inability to close a door quietly, rather than slamming it;

2) A large dog they like to "walk" in the alley next to the trash cans and my compost bin;

3) The compulsion to do laundry at all hours. Their household consists of two adults and one toddler, as far as I can tell, yet they seem to do more laundry than the Duggars. (We know how much they wash and when because the shared laundry shed is built onto the back wall of our bedroom, and the spin cycle makes everything shake. Also, they leave hair in the washer gasket and never clean the dryer lint filter.)

And it's only Monday

It's bad enough that it's Monday. It's even worse that it is a Monday after a glorious 4-day weekend. It's depressing that the minutes in the day seem to be crawling slower than rush hour traffic on the day of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting when President Obama is in town (that day being Wednesday). However, I can deal with all of those if I must. I can take a few deep breaths, find my center, and relax. Unfortunately, I've reached my limit for the day - probably week. Having the floor drop from under me and losing my shit on a project I've been working on for approximately 3 months makes me want to throw the hugest temper tantrum known to man. Really? Seriously? Why? Why did this crap happen on the day after vacation. The next person to walk into my office is getting a major case of the stink eye, with a side of my middle finger <while I spit on the floor in their direction>.

 

Jim Cantore would call bullshit.

It really irks me when it's pouring rain, thundering and lightning on a TV show or movie, yet it's sunny and there's not a cloud in the sky.

I'd rather catch an STD than your bouquet

Dear Brides

I'm genuinely happy that you found the love of your life. Thank you for inviting me to the wedding. I had a great time! And I support your decision to have all the traditional moments, including the bouquet toss. But the part where the DJ calls me BY NAME on to the dance floor to catch that bouquet? Such a depressing moment that makes me want to end my pathetic single life. OK, perhaps that's a bit dramatic. At the very least it makes me want to kick someone in the FUPA. Future brides: please take note. Thanks!

You Go to Hugo. Me? No.

Normally, I would gladly see any Martin Scorsese movie. But I'm out on Hugo. Don't get me wrong, I love Chloe Grace Moretz and the film looks like it will have great special effects. But that scene with the boy holding on to the minute hand of a clock on the side of a building that's about to be 12:25? Seriously? How many times have I seen that bit? I feel like it's been countless times, including the current season of Bored to Death.  Note to writers and directors: there has to be a a more original way to show imminent danger. I might be just shallow and stubborn enough that this will cause me to boycott this movie entirely.

Cart Rage

I’m not sure what the reason is behind the grocery store cashier patiently waiting until I load up all of my groceries on the conveyor belt before starting to scan any of them through, but when I’m piling items 3 and 4 deep because I’m buying more than can fit on a single layer on the belt, it might be nice for said cashier to get the frack on with it already.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Yesterday I was out jogging and I saw a few guys wearing wool caps.  I figured they were just hipsters.

Then I saw a girl wearing earmuffs.

I checked the temperature on the way home. 

62 degrees F.

The Wheels on The Car Go Ha Ha Ha

I got a freaking flat tire. Luckily, my BF noticed it in our garage and put my donut on. I had already let him convince me I need all-season tires, so I wasn't too concerned about the flat. Until finding out the all-season tires that fit my low-profile car (and are BF approved) cost $700. And won't be in until Friday, when we're out of town. And now I feel stuck at home for 2 days, not comfortable driving around town on my donut. That is a shitty feeling.

This Stinks

If you’re going to bother to spray the bathroom so heavily with “jasmine” air freshener that the scent hits me in the face when I open the door, could you also both to take the toilet brush to task on the bowl which is almost completely covered in skidmarks? I don’t need two reminders of what the person just before me was up to (or “up two”, as the case may be).

The new term is annual "pissed-off woman" exam.

I had my well woman exam this morning. I got to tromp through the rainy parking lot for the privilege of being poked, prodded, squeezed and scraped (and, because I am 40, given a referral for a mammogram!) For a "well" woman exam, it sure causes some unwell feelings.

Whoa is me.

The dreadlocked cute hippie tile installer guy said that the leak in our brand new shower in our newly renovated and decorated bathroom is strange and unusual. Instead of freaking out as I watched him rip up the new tile, I immediately thought of Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. "I, myself, am strange and unusual." I'm not, really, but it helped.

Hung Up

Turtleneck sweaters do not belong on hangers! The hanger is practically poking through the shoulders. No more hangers!

Mandatory Vacation

I'm hourly at my new gig, which is nothing new for me, but the IT Department where I now work basically shuts down for Thanksgiving week and I can't bill for 'working from home', which I did for the last four years in a row at my last gig.

On the plus side, I am home for a week and I am slowly eating through the contents of my pantry, freezer and fridge!  Mooooooooooo.

No More Series Books

I hate it when I begin a series whose books have not all been published already so I have to WAIT for the next one.  I have about three or four series that I'm impatiently waiting on the next novel for. I think none of them are coming out until at the earliest 2012. From now on I'm only going to be super late to the party.

Peeves of Yore: The Juice Stands Alone...With an iPhone

Nothing exciting really to report about this week. Sorry. The good news is that it's Friday, and freedom will be mine in a few hours. Yay. It's been a long week, and I foresee myself finding a good place to sit my ass down and drink a bottle of wine. Hell, after much thought and consideration, I may even get myself all gussied up and go to dinner. There was a period of time when I would go to some nice restaurant and eat dinner by myself. Personally, I didn't see the issue with this. However, I started to notice people looking at me with sympathetic eyes, almost like they felt sorry for me? Really? Is it that pitiful looking to see a relatively normal young gal dining by herself? Apparently. Well, to all the people who may stare at me this evening, I will be giving you a mental middle finger. Since it will be a relatively nice restaurant, I'll refrain from the hysterics of yelling, screaming, and throwing food at people.

Where to go from here... Food and drink, maybe? Sure, why the hell not. Ladies and gentlemen, this weeks PoY will be dedicated to items that dictate how much our digestive system loves or hates us.

 Creamy, Pickle, and Hand should NEVER be on any type of product that one is meant to ingest. Congratulations to you Blaugra for not ralphing all of the place.

Don't worry, Max. I believe people would consider this just fine. Just think of it as "roughage."

I totally agree with you, Nikki. What's next? People going all crazy, spending every penny they have to their name because some old guy said the world was going to end on... Oh, wait...

Jen14221! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Newest FAD DIET!

Now, just match that up with your other major Peeved Michelle Peeve... Chewing with your mouth open. These two together would have me in prison, on deathrow.

On a totally unrelated note: I feel like my life will be changed forever in a couple of hours. Why? Because my number was picked, and I received a phone call from Sprint letting me know that my iPhone 4s is anxiously waiting for me to pick it up after work. Hopefully, it will make me taller and prettier and smarter and...there is an app for that, right?

Discombobulated

Every once in awhile I have a dream where I'm crying. I spend the whole dream just sobbing. That's already annoying enough. But usually the next day I spend the whole day feeling not quite right. Today, as a result of the crying dream, I've got the wickedest headache and am just generally feeling off. Thank goodness I'm on vacation starting at 5!

The Extra B is for BYOBB

Last night was the second night in a row that I had to change my pyjamas before going to bed. 

Both times I had barbecue sauce on my shirt.

Passive aggressive much?

I work with someone who is a master at the art of passive aggressive bullshit.  I am a provider at a busy practice and now she conveniently does not get vitals on my patients, take their histories or much of anything for me really. Which are all part of her job duties. But for my boss, a physician, she pretty much sucks his ass.  I am about at the limit for what I can take before the snarky me takes over.  Beware passive aggressive beyotch.  You are about to meet surly, saucy, tired-of-your-crap nursepez.   

Welcome Wagon

Today is the birthday of a close friend of mine who passed away in 2009.  He is really my first close friend who has died, and honestly, it is not easy. Every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, our little group of friends gather to raise a glass and remember him.  Some people were trying to organize a gathering for this year. I was asked to attend, but this also happens to be a night when my husband has an event he is was commited to be a volunteer, and I was not able to secure a sitter. A friend suggested a gathering at her house so that my two boys could come with me. That would have been awesome. A different friend, who does not have children, offered to have people at her house, which is great too.  (She has a really nice bar in her basement.)  She placed an announcement on Facebook announcing the details then added "...children in tow, if necessary".  Needless to say, I am not attending.  

You're So Vain

I woke up this morning with only one contact lens in my eye. The other somehow fell out during Slumbertime.

I called the BF in to help me look and neither of us could find it, so the second my eye place opened, I called for a replacement.

Three hours later, I found my lens. The eye place doesn't know if they can cancel my order since it's already been placed and I've already been charged (the $140 it costs for one freaking lens).

They're going to call me back and let me know for sure, but I'm really not holding my breath.

Work Schmurk Jerk

Shortly before 11am, I emailed a coworker with some questions about a work document of his. There were some items that were completely incorrect: the cart was literally put before the horse, for example.

Said coworker has emailed me once and called me twice since then about my email, asking what document I was looking at, he doesn't see anything wrong, blah blah.

Yes, well, he updated his document 15 minutes after my email went out and is now playing dumb.

This is why I hate people. And I won't be returning his calls.

What I Learned from Reading Post Secret.com

Everyone is gay.

Everyone is on drugs.

Crash & Burn Marketing

There was an awesome band playing at the Carnaval Bar in Vegas this weekend. They had a backdrop that was lit up with their Facebook page url and their Twitter name. They were encouraging the crowd to tweet requests.

So I did - twice - asking for a birthday shout out for my friend with me. Too bad they never got to it, or any other fan requests.

The next day I had two tweets from them, saying "sorry hun" and "I didn't get to check my Twitter in time."

Always, always think through your marketing ploy before going public with it. Failed marketing gimmicks are worse than no marketing gimmicks at all.

Our Not-So-Friends

Today Facebook suggested I befriend a former work nemesis, the ex-boyfriend I charitably call "Creepy Little Icky Guy," and my husband's ex-wife. How does it know me so well?

Mature, Well-Reasoned Critique

Middle-aged guys on Razor scooters look STUPID!

'Tis the season to recycle.

I get retailers are trying to make a buck this holiday season, but really, I don't need four catalogs in my mailbox every day.
Last night my husband said, "Why do you have this?" It was an American Girls catalog. I don't have a daughter nor have I ever bought anything related to American Girls.

I would have cut you

Dear Dipshit D-Bag Cashier,

While I appreciate the fact that I was able to check out quicker because the woman in front of me furiously ejected herself from your line, and moved to a different one... I really wish it would have been under different circumstances.

In the future, when the only two items a woman has to purchase in your checkout line is Chocolate Ice Cream and Tampons, DO NOT say, "Wow! Must be a bad day, huh?"

Sincerely,

Every woman on the whole entire planet

Is this by design?

The type is covering up the product they are selling. Pisses me off.

I don't feel tardy

Being late and not calling me is probably one of the worst things you can do to me. OK, that's obviously not true, but it's something so easily avoidable in this day and age that it's unacceptable.

Now, if you have a valid reason for being late like your car almost exploded on I-80 or your foot fell off on the way to the garage, that's fine.  But, you need to call, text or otherwise contact me as soon as you realize you are going to be more than 10 minutes late.

Also, I shouldn't have to call you to find out what happened.  Especially, if you live within 2 blocks walking distance of our meeting spot and it's a beautiful day out. I'm not your mother.  You are an adult. Figure it out. Millions of other people do it on a regular basis.

Just about everyone and their children has a cell phone strapped to their person 99% of the time. Be courteous and let me know you are going to flake or are running late because a rabid marmoset got into your house while you were leaving... So I don't look like an angry dumbass while waiting for you in public.

What's really sad? I've been stood up more by friends than dates.  In fact, I've never been stood up by a date. (Knocks on wood).  I could understand if a total stranger flaked on me.  There are tons of weirdos out there and I barely know the guys I find online.  But when a friend flakes, I begin to question my choices.  Am I that forgettable?  Am I a total bitch? 

Peeves of Yore: The Sweetest Juice You'll Ever Experience. Never Again.

Today is not only Peeves or Yore day, but a day much more important. It is Veterans Day. I'll be the first to admit that my knowledge has never been close to stellar when it comes to Americas War history. Since I'm being honest here, I will also say that the history of war was actually something that didn't interest me in the slightest. Until recently...

Throughout the past couple of months I have had the pleasure of getting to know someone who has really opened my eyes to the importance of knowing and understanding how we, as Americans, got to be exactly where we are today. Per a census that was conducted in 2010, we celebrate the lives of 21.8 million Veterans. So, today, I raise my glass to all of the Veterans, as well as, active members of duty. Each of your names should be listed in the Dictionary as the definition of Hero.

Today is a good day. A day that we, as a country, celebrate together. Therefore, I have decided to dedicate this weeks PoY to Not A Peeve! Happy Friday, my friends.

Mama Karen reminds us that even though we may bitch and moan about our in-laws, or loud neighbors whose dog craps in our yard, or the unending amount of extra curricular activities we are forced to go to for our kids, or the rank diaper we have to change because our significant other wouldn't dare go near it, and all the other crazy things that ultimately make it on the pages of The Peevery... None of that matters, once we put it all into perspective.

This is probably the one and only time Peeved Michelle is happy that her daughter didn't keep her legs closed. Never, ever again. Never. Must remain a lady.

This just isn't right. No way. There is absolutely no reason or way to explain this. Seriously, could it be? Could it really be that Kayteadee is....happy? No. Seriously. Get it together, Kayteadee. Otherwise, The Peevery is going to go downhill quick.

There's not much to say here, Amy. Happy you and your lovely husband are keeping the crack pipes out of eachothers mouths, the smack out of eachothers arms, the coke out of eachothers noses... Sharing the love of psycho crazy people does wonders for a marriage.

Sorry, I must plug myself into this PoY. For the simple reason that it makes me lose my shit every time I look at it. Looking at this picture can brighten anybody's day.

Before I leave you all today, I have one more trick up my sleeve. Actually, it's a Christmas present idea I'd like to share with you. Trust me, I'm sure you can find someone who would fall on the floor and thank you over and over and over again, if you bought this for them. Enjoy!

It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

I used the last bit of a bottle of shower gel this morning. I'll be using the remnants of the bottle of similarly scented lotion for the foreseeable future. Why? Because Bath and Body Works can't package their products so that you finish the bottle of shower gel and lotion in the same decade. 

Just Like Being There!

I'm so lucky that I get to participate in every single meeting held in our hallway conference room!

Not that I'm invited, of course. But my workspace is six feet away from said room, and because the speaker phone is at permanent jackhammer volume, I get the benefit of my co-workers' shared wisdom and ideas every time they're in there.

Wisdom and ideas that manage to filter through even the densest headphones.

Paging Dr. Kegel

If I have an ounce of urine in my bladder, it will always, always escape when I sneeze.

Je Suis en Désaccord

She: What is on your head?

Me: It is my new beret. Favored headgear of artistic types and intellectuals. I think it looks rather jaunty.

S:No, it looks silly. You are neither artistic nor intellectual. I will not appear in public with you if you are wearing that thing.

No Heart?

I don't give a crap about this whole Kardashian joke of a marriage thing, and when I heard Andy Rooney died I was not moved.  Am I getting jaded in my ripe age of 41? 

No Complaining

I do not feel that Mama Kardashian has any right to complain how her daughter is being viewed for her 72 day marriage when said daughter wouldn't be in the limelight except for Mama Kardashian's machinations. She set out to make them reality TV stars and so now she has to reap the benefits.

Your phone priviliges have been revoked

I hate when our admin is gone.

Juice: Hello?

Stupid woman: Hi! I'm just returning a call from this number.

Juice: Oh, okay. Who called you?

Stupid woman: Um, I don't know. I just told you that I'm returning a call from this number.

Juice: I'm very sorry, but we have several people in our office and unless you know who it was who called you, I won't be able to help you.

Stupid woman: <loud sigh> Fine. They left a message, but I just didn't want to waste my time listening to it.

Juice: You stupid woman. Why the fuck are you wasting one iota of my time? Do you think I have all the time in the effing world to figure out who the hell called you? Wait, let me put you on hold for just a moment while I run around to all of my colleagues to see who it was who called you. Listen to your damn voice mail, you stupid cow.

Juice: <click> <lost connection> Oops. I think I hung up on you, ma'am.

Peeves of Yore: Juice with a side of shit talking, please!

Friday. It could not have come any sooner. I mean that to be a question. Why the hell could today, Friday, not come any bloody sooner? Looking back on my last two PofY, as well as, my last couple of Peeves, I've noticed that I have been increasingly cynical. I really need to wipe the angry girl music sludge off of me, pull myself up by the boot straps, and get my shit together. Someone told me recently, should I happen to see the sky turn pink and fill with unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course), my days will begin to brighten up. Well, damn it, I saw it. And if the fucking pink sky and unicorns (pissing rainbows, of course) don't cheer up this little cup-o-juice, I know what will...

Peeves of Yore shall be dedicated to bathroom peeves today! Shit makes everyone laugh. Well, maybe not everyone. It makes me laugh, so if you don't want to laugh along with me today - eat shit.

Jenn4221, anytime you start to feel like you have a "case of the Monday's," you just keep your chin held high and keep your eyes on the head prize!

This is genius, Peeved Michelle. There are simply no words to describe how awesome this is. All in favor of a Caca Castle? Me! Me! Me! Me! Those who are not...exit to the rear please (tee hee hee), and go fuck yourself.

Dearest Unknown Peever, My advice to you is this.... Never, ever trust a fart. Period. You gambled and lost, my friend.

If this doesn't make you laugh, I don't know what will. All hope is lost if Heather's peeve doesn't enourage even a little giggle.

Wow, this Unknown Peever gambled and won. Winner, winner chicken dinner!

My goodness, this shit talking really put me in one hell of a better mood. I'm so freaking happy now, I could just shit! Enjoy your weekend, my friends.

 

 

 

Clogged Up

Two years ago, WalMart built a Super Center a couple miles from my house. I loved shopping there because the aisles were really wide; wide enough that even three old ladies congregating to talk about stool softeners and parking their carts sideways still left enough room to leisurely walk around them.

Now, every wide aisle is crammed with some pallets of sale crap right in the middle of it.  Hell, it's like there's a law against shopping without contact. Those three old ladies now bring the entire store to a standstill. You'd think their stool would have softened up by now.

Representation Without Taxation

In light of the increasing anticipation of the 2012 United States federal election, I am reminded that:

1. I cannot vote in the UK because I am not a citizen, so I pay taxes but have no representation.

2. I cannot vote in Canada because, though I am a citizen and have only recently emigrated, I have no plans to return in the next 4 years and apparently that invalidates my basic rights as a citizen.

3. I CAN vote in the United States, despite the fact that I haven't lived there since I was 11 years old (19 years ago) and have never paid a dime of tax.

All of this makes absolutely no sense to me, but I vote in US elections anyway because I want to vote for something somewhere, damn it!

Our team name is "Two runners and a slackass."

I joined a holiday fitness challenge at work in which we form teams of 2-3 people and each person commits to (a) exercise at least 30 continuous minutes on at least 3 days each week and (b) gain no more than 2 pounds by the end of the challenge in mid-January. My two team consists of my boss and my sister, both of whom are big weekend runners and take spin classes and work with personal trainers and such. The most exercise I get these days is walking half a block when the cupcake truck comes to the office.

The good news is that these fit folks are on my team, not working against me. Three days into the challenge, however, they've already made me look back by fullfilling their exercise requirements for the whole week.

Save it!

Politicians...you want me to vote for you in the Presidential election next year?  There is an issue that everyone has lived with for too long that needs to be addressed.  

That's right, you need to END DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.  Or maybe keep it.  

Either way, if you can get Congress to stop making me change the damn clock twice a year, I will vote for you.  

Let's be honest, we're not actually saving any time when the clocks move around.  If we are, we spend it just as quickly as it accumulates...kind of like the cash in my savings account.

 

Lip Service, Celebrity Style

Why does every "celebrity" (I use that term loosely) couple always say they'll remain friends when they are splitting up? Do they really expect a person with half a brain to believe that?

I'm sure there are the few that actually do, but I'm willing to bet most just like the sound of it.