The Peevery

Are my eyebrows really that unruly?

This has happened to every single eybrow brush I have ever owned. WHY???

View this photo

No Cuts

Dear Sneaky Bitch:

I've been standing in this horrifically long, slow coffee line playing with my phone but my peripheral vision works just fine. That's why I told you to go to the back of the line and rolled my eyes when you said that you had been there the whole time. You weren't so suck it up and wait like the rest of us.

Sincerely,

kayteadee 

 

 

Happy Halloween!

As I mentioned last year, Halloween in my neighborhood is a BIG deal.

Please do not ring my bell for candy if you are any of the below:

1. Not dressed up

2. Over the age of 15 and use your backpack as a candy bag.

I'd like my candy supply of 2000+ pieces to last more than two hours this year!!

 

I'm Too Young To Lose My Mind!

I finally remembered the date of an event I've been trying to remember.

But now I've forgotten why I wanted to remember it in the first place.

 

Forty Five Minutes

While driving back from Austin, traffic randomly slowed down to a complete stop on the highway in the middle of nowhere.  Fourty five minutes later I've managed to move an entire 10 miles to discover there was absolutely NO reason for the stoppage as traffic randomly started moving fast again. WTF?

I should note that I did get amused watching all the cars creating their own exit across the median to the frontage road and then get stuck on the frontage road.

Three Second Rule

Dear Texas Drivers,

That space between me and the car in front of me is not there as an invitation for you to get ahead of me. It is there so that if the car ahead of me slows down, I can just ease my foot off the gas and slow down as well, and NOT stomp on the brake. I've learned that you don't subscribe to this theory. Perhaps it is time for all of you to go back to Driver's Ed which is where I learned the three second rule.

Thanks!
Joanne

Sobering Calculations

Possible reasons why a 250mL glass of a particular wine is £5, but the whole bottle (750mL) is £15.85:

1. The bottle is actually more than 750mL, but the restaurant failed to note this on the menu (not likely)
2. Drunk people can't do math

Teacycling - a Poem for Novotel Bristol

Weekend away in celebration, anniversary vacation

Breakfast buffet at the hotel, the 4-star Bristol Novotel

"Coffee, tea or juice?", ask they, "Tea for me, please!", "Right away!"

So far so good, the food is nice, my tea arrives... something's not right

The 2-cup pot is just half-full, and strangely is not hot, but cool

Also, it's quite overbrewed, a British no-no, nearly rude

There we have strikes one, two, three - this was someone else's tea!

Gross.

Debbie Downer

I have a Facebook friend who likes to post about how hard she has it.  Her posts are always "woe is me" and really over the top with self pity. I can only tolerate this victim shit for so long. The worst part is, her so-called "tragic" life is not nearly as dramatically bad as she thinks it is.  I am close to de-friending her.  

Too Many Boys

I have to clean the house for my soon to be six year old's birthday party tomorrow. I just sent a friend home so I could get my two boys settled for the night. The oldest walked his friend home and came home with a different friend.  Now, boys are running and screaming and not making my cleaning chores any easier.  At least there is wine. 

Peeves of Yore: The Juice Has Boiled Over

Well, it sure has been a long week. A long freaking week. While I am several hours away from breaking free from these chains (I started writing this in the morning), I just keep reminding myself that the end is near. I dare say that I averaged about 1.5 times a day this week when I had the sudden urge to dropkick someone in the face. Actually, it was just one person. But the .5 is due to that certain someone putting me into a bad mood, and making me think bad thoughts about anyone who I would come in contact with for a few hours after my 1-2 hour torture ended. My saving grace was "sucking on the bottle" after I got home from work everyday this week. The consequnce of enduring a slight headache accompanied with with puffy eyes the next morning, was well worth it.

Seeing how I've been in a less than rosey mood this week, I have decided to dedicate this PoV to The Biggest Peeve Ever. Happy reading my lovelies!

Just think of it this way Blaugra... Come back as mutha effin Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.Ta-da. Problemo solved. Fuckers.

For your revenge, MamaKaren, I hope it has something to do with saying, "No! I can't spare a square. I don't have a square to spare!" That will definitely shut her pie hole up from ever speaking to you in the ladies room again.

Melissa, this is quite similar to, what are known as, "Boy Bands." One lead, while the others form a circle jerk. Maybe the name of the project can be, "Juju!"

It's like a pimple. It starts really small, and gradually gets bigger and bigger and bigger until... BOOM!There's shit everything from your explosion. More than the peeve itself, I liked the usage of "fucktard." Not one you hear very often anymore. Thanks, Joanne!

Peeved Michelle, maybe you should suggest that the road commission make a sign that says, "YOU ARE A SLOWASSMOTHERFUCKER IF YOU DRIVE ONE IOTA UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT. MOVE THE FUCK OVER BEFORE YOU GET A GRILL RAMMED UP YOUR ASS-END."

Well, there you have it. Wow, I feel much better after spending a little time peeving about peeves! I do believe I'll do the same thing next week. See you all on the flip-side (aka PoV next Friday).

The Mother F-ing Gloves Are Coming Off, Bitch!

Dear Colleague,

We are now on day numero dos of our little situation that almost caused me to drop kick you in the face yesterday. Does the fact that I actually have much more importante things I need to be working on simply not matter to you? I guess not. You have clogged my day up, once again, with your stupidity. It's like you just don't know when to stop eating candy, and you throw it up. Over and over and over and over again. Don't worry! Juice will clean your nasty rank smelling stupidity off of the floor, leaving me with the mess all over me. If this carries over through tomorrow, I will no longer handle you with the kid gloves I have been using. The gloves are coming OFF tomorrow. I'm sick of this shit.

Sincerely,

Juice

P.S.

You're still ugly. Actually, I would like to escalate that to "Fugly."

And Leon's Getting Larger...*

My weight is pretty stable but I'm almost positive my FUPA is growing.

*

Combo Platter

Most people with combination skin have a little bit of oil on their nose and forehead (the infamous "T-zone") and a little dryness on their cheeks. My particular skin's combination is bacon-grease slick plus #50-grit sandpaper.

Leave it to me to have a bipolar face.

Why? Because I F-ing Said So.

Dear Colleague,

If you ask me a question about something that isn't working, and I respond to your question with examples that provide proof of why said "something" isn't working... Do you really think I want to hear:

1. That just doesn't make sense. I think "we" need to go back and ask the question in a different way.

2. Are you sure? How many times did you check?

3. Well, they need to change their system. I think "we" need to tell them how to change it.

4. Why?

5. Why?

6. Why?

No. I don't want to hear any of this shit. What I want you to do is turn around, get the hell out of my office, and never question my knowledge of this "something" again. Go F yourself.

Sin-fucking-cerely,

Juice.

P.S. You're Ugly

PSA

People of Northwest Ohio: cold, rainy weather is coming. A reminder that the gas pedal, the big one on the right, works in all weather conditions. Thank you.

My office is so cold...

How cold is it?

...I want to wear sheepskin boots in October.

...I have to wear my specially padded bras so as not to overtly demonstrate the chill.

...my hot coffee turns to iced within a matter of minutes.

...my ears are numb enough to be pierced without feeling any pain.

Quack Quack

I want to unfollow everyone in my Twitterstream whose avatar is a photo of herself with a duckface expression. That includes Khloe Kardashian but also some other people whose Tweets are not that annoying.

I do believe this is worse than 'Curl Up & Dye'

It's Monday, and I have had a few moments where I have wanted to drop kick someone in the neck. However, I'm guessing I'm having a better day than 99% of the people who voluntarily entered this establishment...

Error: Incorrect Login

The university that I'm teaching at this semester requires three separate logins and passwords for each of the different information systems on campus. One login is an intuitive, logical combination of my first and last names. The other two are different 16 and 20 digit user IDs and system-generated unchangeable passwords. This doesn't even count the separate login and password to use the campus wireless. I think it would be easier to hack into the CIA than it would be to post exam grades.  

Drawn and Quartered

The drink machine in our office has apparently decided not to recognize quarters. I put in my $1.25 and it only registered that I'd put in $1, so I hit the return button to get my money back; it gave me four quarters. A friend loaned me $.25 to try again, but as soon as I put a quarter in, it dropped with no indication that I'd entered any money. Now that I've walked back up to my 4th floor desk, I am too damned lazy to walk back downstairs with dimes and nickels.

All I wanted was a bottle of lemonade! Is that so much to hope for?

Et Equum Tuum

It irritates me when people on blogs and message boards and suchlike write &c rather than etc.  Maybe they are equally acceptable yet still it bugs me.  Okay, fine, we get that you have cracked the Rosetta Stone of the ampersand and do note that we are sufficiently impressed with the display of erudition.  Seriously, is there any reason other than pure pretentiousness to feel the need to write &c to display that you know the meaning of "et"?  It's not any faster than writing etc.  Thank you, monsieur le pedant, now please beat it.

No Me Gusta

Damn, alfalfa sprouts are hard to pick off a sandwich.

Especially a cheese sandwich.

Peeves of Yore: The Juice has run dry at work

Well, well, well.... Here we are again. It's Friday! I don't know about you, but it's been one helluva week for Juice. Project pile-ups, looming deadlines, shit for brains interns. I have dubbed today, "Fuck You Friday." I am allowed to respond to any question or comment with a simple, "fuck you." How are we on X project? Fuck you. I'd like your team to start working on this. Fuck you. Let me get that door for you. Fuck you! Don't worry, I'm not going to do what you all think I'm going to do... Trust me, it's most certainly not that bad. Hell, just give me a cocktail or five, and I'll be back in the saddle again!

Since I can't seem to shut my face about work, why stop now? Today's PoY shall be dedicated to the workplace. Happy reading, my friends...

Apparently, Blaugra has a little disease we like to call, "The Mondays." Don't worry, I do too. No matter who it is, the first person I see in my office on Monday, I always imagine punching in the face.

Max, do you think of Tony "Banana Hands" Robbins when you hear those words? I do. Others may include: Let me wrap my head around this; Touchpoint; In the know; Working off-site; Thnx

Pretty sure I found the edge and took the plundge earlier today! God bless, GPS.

Now, now, Kate the Peon... This could be something really good! Who knows, you all may end up sitting in a circle holding hands, and singing Kumbaya! You're right. I'd beat the piss out of her too.

Seriously, this one just never gets old!

Well, that's all I have to say about that. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. Fuck you!

Tiptoe through the tulips.

You know who's an asshole? The person who walked their dog and let it lay a huge steaming dump in my flowers around my mailbox.

Be a responsible pet owner and pick up their shit!

Stumpiness

To paraphrase what the late great Mr. Blackwell once said about Helena Bonham Carter, I find my lack of a neck disturbing.

Hoarders

There are some TV shows that shouldn't be watched while sitting down for a meal. I've now lost my lunchtime appetite.

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Dear Webinar Instructor,

The reason why I am late on the "click the green check mark to show you understand" is NOT because I'm busy taking notes on what you're talking about during this ridiculous required continuing ed course. Really, there is absolutely no need to tell me that you're recording this session, so I can just "sit back and pay attention." I simply don't give a shit about what is coming out of your flapping jaw. I am currently writing about you on the Peevery. Suck it.

Sincerely,

Uninterested Juice

Just Begging For A Pig Pun

Hey, Jessica London, I'm not sure the world is ready for plus-size leather jeggings. I know I'm sure not ready to don a pair, and not only because I have doubts that they "flatter every woman."

Women of the 6th Floor

While I try not to take notice of the sounds going on around me in the restroom, I can't help but know that one or more of you regularly DO NOT WASH YOUR HANDS after coming out of a stall.

I don't care what you are doing in there, but do us all a favor and stop the spread of germs...especially if I just heard you flush.

Don't come crying to me when you have a cold.

Noah must have let morons come onto the Ark.

Despite the fact that it's rained almost constantly for the past zazillion days in Maryland, I am surrounded by people totally inept about how to handle it. It's not hard to remember to leave some extra room between cars because the pavement is slippery. You will not melt if those drops from the sky touch your arm as you walk 10 feet to your car. Umbrellas take up space, so leave some extra room as you pass people on the sidewalk. Most importantly, get the heck out of my orbit if you cannot comprehend these basic facts!

Pop it!

A phrase I am hating right now is "on the bubble."

Example: "These students are from a low-to-moderate income family and are below grade level. They are on the bubble." I don't know if this is a national term or not. When I first heard it I thought that being on the bubble meant the kids were on drugs or pregnant.

Is the bubble going to float away and burst? What if you were a bubble kid? If I were, I would dislike knowing that I was considered being on the bubble.

Sleepless in Bowling Green

I have been up since 4 am. The oldest needed his sheets changed and I still lie here awake. It's going to be a long day.

Jesus Candles

My Cuban husband likes to light these candles for good luck.  He also likes to leave them lit when he goes to work, which is completely unacceptable. I've pleaded with him to stop trying to burn the house down but he doesn't listen.  Therefore, I've been forced to mess with his "santeria" superstition by collecting all Jesus candles and hiding them in the kitchen cupboard as I'm too afraid to throw them out.

The Worst Food Deal Ever

25 freshly baked delicious Philly soft pretzels for 5 bucks.

I bought them for a bunch of people but that didn't stop me from inhaling one of my favorite food items. And then another one.

Driving Myself Crazy

I am dealing with a highway anxiety problem. I'm afraid to drive on the expressways. I'm sure I'll get over it soon. It's fucking weird.

But meanwhile, I have absolutely no qualms driving through the obstacle course that is the ghetto, as my alternative to the highways route. I could be randomly shot during a drug deal gone bad, t-boned by a runaway stolen hoopty car or screamed at by an angry teen mom who belongs to a gang, and these scenarios don't produce any anxiety in me whatsoever.

Location, Location, Location

I wish commercials were filtered by region. I'm tired of seeing commercials for Sonic Drive-in or Cici's Pizza when neither exist within the state lines. And I may be stereotyping, but I'm pretty sure no one in Bismarck needs anything from Rastagroup.com

Peevery StyleWatch

Are white-soled Docksiders/Topsiders trendy again? A nearby college campus is full of them, and there's not a marina around these parts. 

Just Call Me Rube

I have a rotten habit of taking the most convoluted route to accomplish any task. It annoys the crap out of me, time and again.

I think it means I'm just not that bright after all.

Oil Slick

My skin has gone from normal to oily and greasey in the T-zone in the last week. I haven't had a pimple since I was 15 and now I've got two. Having an effective, reliable skin care regimine in place has been suddenly undone. There are certain things you count on mostly staying the same in like, like your overall complexion.  I don't even know what to do with this oily mug of mine. 

Batteries not included

I chose the lamest post title ever because I think it was some weird robot movie. Anyway, apparently I cause all batteries to leak acid. First, my Maglite batteries leaked and ruined my flashlight. Then, my silent clock woke me one night making strange staccato ticking sounds. I turned on the light and discovered the battery had leaked acid, causing the interior workings of the clock to go haywire and levers were clicking and clacking and going crazy. Also, I have to change the battery in my computer mouse VERY frequently. I'm beginning to think that my aura has some strange effect on batteries. Oh, and I also shock myself when the weather is dry CONSTANTLY. The other day, I shocked myself on my office chair, which I swear is PLASTIC.

Fix Your Face

If I look at your LinkedIn profile pic and think, "Dude, why are you so mad at me," you need to do two things. First, get botox on your ||. Second, change your damn picture.

Done Means Done, Sort Of

I guess I need to explain to my eight year old daughter what "done" means.  When I ask her if her homework is "done" before she goes to bed, she says yes.  Every time.  Then, every morning, she needs to "finish this one thing" and finish filling in her reading journal and oops, she forgot her spelling.  I guess I should be happy that she actually reads every single night for at least an hour, but I'm not a morning person to begin with and having to deal with her last minute things makes me want to replace my morning coffee with Xanax.

Shouldn't They Have a Plan For This?

Two weeks ago I went to a food expo where I entered a drawing for a variety of baskets they had out. I did not need to be present to win. Trying to make arrangements with the woman from the event to get said basket from her is proving to be ridiculous. They can't possibly have thought that only people who lived within 4 miles of them would enter could they?

It's For Fun, Damn It!

I am a very opinionated person. I was getting into way too many nasty debates on Facebook over topics near and dear to me.  So, I decided for my own sanity I would stop getting into fights on Facebook. I would leave things alone on other people's posts and I would refrain from posting controversial things. I stick to song lyrics, made up haikus or statements about how I live for wine.  I even posted a Facebook note saying I would not debate.  Until today.  I posted I had signed a petition put forth my my favorite Senator.  Then, a snarky response came.  I saw it first thing this morning. I stewed about it all day.  I came home and responded with a factual short rebuttal and now I feel better.  Facebook, it's fun, right?  

Peeves of Yore: Getting Juiced Up for the Season

Hello my fellow peevers and peever lovers! The fall season is in full swing, just ask my neighbors. They love fall...because all of their damn leaves fall onto my yard. I have often pondered what response I would get if I marched over to their house and demanded they get their shit off of my lawn. Pretty sure it wouldn't go over all too well. So, the annual ritual of raking and bagging shall commence. Honestly, it really wouldn't be all too horrible, except I always seem to get blisters on my hands. Damn the man.

One thing I do relish in through out the fall season is college football! Watching football with me can be somewhat exhausting. I yell at the tv, throw things at the tv, pace back and forth, and refuse to use the ladies room until there is a commercial break (that can get slightly difficult depending on beer intake). I have to admit, I am an extremely poor loser. However, I sure as hell have no problem rubbing a lose in somebody's face.

Since we are on the topic of watching jail bait aged boys run around in tight pants, wiping the sweat off of their brows on the boob tube... I thought I would dedicate this PofY to movies/tv/music. Happy reading!

I can only imagine how difficult it was for Nikki to explain The Smurfs to her four-year-old. That's why, if I ever become a parent, I will keep a stash of mushrooms/acid/peyote for any questions about weird little creatures on television shows. And, of course, if they ever ask about Pink Floyd. Let them experience it all first-hand.

The spin off name of Amy's new television show would be so simple, and probably rake in a whole lot of Greenbacks. "...while competing against them during pagent season." I smell scandal!

I, like, totally agree with you Erin! It's like the worst thing in the world. Like, why would anyone, you know, like, say anything so stupid. I mean, like, who talks like that. Where did they, like, go to school to get, like, an education. Like? <All said while one hand is on the hip and the head is tilted sharply to one side>

I mean absolutely no disrespect, Nikki... I would have to be experiencing the following to endure that much....

1. The official countdown to menopause has begun

2. Menopause is in full swing and the hot flashes are causing raging cravings for Meredith Baxter movies

3. Anything from puppies and rainbows to a run in my stockings, making me want to throw the nearest object at the wall and sit on the floor and cry.

Thanks, Karla Kay! You just reminded me of another thing that would have to happen for me to endure large amounts of Lifetime Movie Network. Jane Seymour. I'd close that heart and smash it on the ground...and blame it on Menopause.

Happy weekend, all!

REE-urh, REE-urh, REE-urh

The back end of my car makes the most horribly embarassing squeaking noises while I drive. Clearly, the suspension or some piece thereof needs to be fixed, but we couldn't even afford the repairs we had done to my husband's car this month, so my jalopy has to wait. In the meantime, it sounds like a cheap motel.

Spousal Support

I am utterly peeved that we don't have a garage. Not because we have a car to store, but because my husband has developed a horrible streaming cold and I have no place to exile him until he recovers.

I make plans, and God (or my Board) laughs

I've spent the past month putting together a face-to-face meeting for one of my committees; the meeting kicks off with dinner tonight and ends around 3:00 tomorrow afternoon based on multiple exchanges confirming everyone's availability. I did catering, hotel reservations for the three people who needed them, compiled the materials, the whole shebang.

The one local member shot one of the execs an email today "...just giving you a heads-up that I won't be there on Wednesday." Now I'm back to square one, because I need to have the full committee take part in the discussions, and the decisions being made are long overdue.

It wasn't on my bucket list.

I made it 37 years and 4 months without getting stitches - until yesterday. While helping the husband lift a stove off the back of his truck, I unwittingly grabbed the metal lip of the underside, thus causing what the doctor deemed a "deep and jagged cut." Six stitches on the underside of my middle finger and a tetanus shot later, I'm pretty sure I'm going to live.

Typing this took me a LONG time, FYI.