The Peevery

Closing time: you don't have to go home but you can't stay here!

"Here" being my outdoor furniture, which is not meant to be a seating area for drunks stumbling home from the bar down the street.

(Although I'm glad you didn't drive home.)

Let's jump off a bridge!

Are people really that gullible that they believe if they copy and paste something that Facebook won't charge them? Do they know that Facebook has no plans to charge people anyway?

Here's an idea: Google whatever sounds fishy. It will take 10 seconds, and you'll see that it's NOT TRUE.

Did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary?

You, too, Guy Fieri

If you wear your sunglasses on the back of your head, it makes me want to punch you on the front of your head.

Tomorrow is the day!

Readers,

Tomorrow is our 24-hour Peeve-a-Thon. There will be a new peeve posted on the hour, every hour, from 12 a.m. to 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, for your reading enjoyment. Don't forget to check back throughout the entire day! Thank you to our readers who submitted peeves to be included in this inaugural event!

Misdirected Language

If one more person refers to changing one's mind as "doing a complete 360," I am going to start grabbing people and spinning them until they are dizzy. The correct expression is to "do a complete 180."

I also cannot stand hearing about "back to back to back [whatever]." Each thing only has two sides, a back and a front. A string of 3 or more meetings with no break is not "back to back to back meetings."

 

How's this for a workout excuse?

I was all pumped up to go get pumped up at the gym but a flash flood on the road on which the gym is located thwarted my efforts.

NOT Healthy

Have you seen the cover of Women's Health?

 
I'm willing to accept that she might be naturally skinny, and/or that she's been photoshopped to death, but I have no desire to look like that.

Have you seen the cover of Men's Health?

 
He looks like a vampire. Or a zombie. Or some other pasty-faced creature whose name escapes me.

Grammatically Correct but Still Jarring

I was about to peeve about the Seether song "Fake It" which has a line that according to my radio goes like this: "Fake it... you're such an hypocrite," which is grammatically correct, but sounds painful to my ears.  However, in searching for the title of the song I discovered that the line is "Fake it... you're such a fucking hypocrite" which is far less peeving. 

So Many Reasons

I would have called in sick and wallowed in bed all day except for two reasons. First, it is my boss's last day. Second, my new boss scheduled a meeting with me to discuss the transition to her team.

Shortly after I came in, the new boss told me the meeting is postponed until Monday. Pretty soon after that, the old boss told me he extended his last day until next Wednesday.

Oh, and the air conditioning is out and my office is sweltering.

Quitting time is at noon today.

I Cannot RTFM

My long-awaited Espresso Oyster Mushroom growing kit arrived last night!

Without instructions!

 

Steampunk In Real Life

The London Underground (a.k.a. "The Tube") was built in the Victorian era (mid-1800's). While a massive achievement 150 years ago, they might want to consider making some upgrades to modern era conveniences. Like ventilation. Being crammed into a small, stuffy tube with the entire population of London, some of whom have yet to discover deodorant despite the heat and humidity today, was not my idea of a good time.

Can you hear me now?

Here are a few signs I am not interested in talking to you, nor listening to you talk about shit I care absolutely NOTHING about:

My office door is closed

I don't say, "come in!" when you knock on my door...three times

I don't look up from my computer when you decide to open the door anyway

I turn my music on while you are still spitting out your first sentence

I plug my ear buds into my computer, and put them in my ears

When you continue to talk, and finally ask, "Sorry, were you busy? Do you want me to come back later?" Do not get all huffy when my response is, "Get the fuck out of my office. My door was closed, and my earbuds were put in. To me, that screams STFU and leave me alone."

Any questions?

Good Weight, Bad Farts

I'm doing Weight Watchers because I put on an embarassing amount of weight while pregant that didn't miraculously melt away. The good news is that I'm within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight. The bad news? Healthy eating habits make me fart like a monkey at the zoo. I nearly asphixiated myself driving to work this morning. 

Scraping the Bottom of the Barrel

My GP is much more excited about me getting a cervical smear than I am about making the appointment for it. I have received three reminder letters so far. Strangely, they have yet to send me a "come in for a regular check-up" letter, despite the fact that the only time I ever set foot in their office was to register with them. I'm not sure how I feel about someone I've never met so vigourously attempting to get into my business.

HEY, Readers of The Peevery...

Time is running out to be part of The Peevery's Peeve-A-Thon, scheduled for this Saturday, Oct. 1. All you have to do is send me your peeve to redsoxfan529@gmail.com, and you're in! It costs less than a dollar a day (because it's free) and you'll feel that much better for doing it.

Email me your peeve by Wednesday for inclusion to this amazingly awesome event.

Jingle it

Old Navy, I thought I already warned you about using song parodies from the 80s.  Now I've got that God awful Tiffany song stuck in my head.  Yes, I know that's a cover of a song from the 60's, but your version had that bubble gum princess all over it.

I really miss jingles.  They might have been annoying, but at least they didn't ruin songs from my childhood.  I'm looking at you, Macys!

On the Current State of Jogging

Noted from recent trips to the park:

• I-Pod + ear buds
• Aerodynamic sunglasses
• Belt with water bottles
• GPS watch
• Shorts with multiple pockets containing energy gels
• Nylon cap
• Compression sleeves for the calves
• Vibram Five Fingers

This is called "minimalist running".

Dummy

I have not yet learned that eating grapes until I feel pukey is a bad idea.

Peeves of Yore: Desperately Seeking Orange Juice

Happy Friday, my friends! Oh, the joys of the changing weather. It's official. I'm sick. Death is not necessarily knocking on my front door, however, I do feel like a raging pile of cow dung today. The best part? Our company has a "team building event" today. We like to call it, "office olympics." Outside in the cool crisp fall air, running around like the ADD kids on the elementary school playgrounds during recess. This will do my sickness well, I think! My raging pile of cow dung will most certainly grow to a pile of shit from a much larger animal. I. Can't. Wait.

With that said, I find it only appropriate that we dedicate today's PoY to Health and Beauty. Happy reading!

I do believe it is Juice's turn to go back to this joint and spread my sicknesslike this nasty broad did to me!

Dear Erin, A few chomps on some orangeTic Tac's and you'll be free of your orange scurvy nose, I promise. Gross.

I've never been a fan of Emily Proctor, but Kate the Peon just made me never want to eat another marshmallow. Ever again. Or get pregnant.

Hey Erin, It's so big it could be a the small caterpillars vagina?

They may be mocking you, Hazel, but they sure sound damn funny doing so. I giggle at the Chinese language (I can say that, because I'm part Asian).

<Sneeze> Happy Weekend! <Sneeze>

Less Salt = More Oil?

I bought lightly salted peanuts because I don't like fully salted peanuts but I do like a little bit of salt.  I am pretty sure these are the greasiest peanuts ever.

Discomfort Food

Memo to new restaurant chef:

There's no need to heavily salt a grilled cheese sandwich.

So, that's where all those nachos went!

I just joined a gym. Again. Yeah, we'll see how long this lasts. In the meantime, I'm trying to get the hang of the elliptical machine, in a room where I'm surrounded by mirrors that show every angle of my body working that elliptical.

I am shocked to see my big square ass in motion. It's motivating but kind of disgusting.

Lucy's Italian Movie 2: Now with Kittens

Whenever we have grapes as an after-dinner snack, my husband gives the kitten one to play with.

It's so adorable when he bats the grape around like a tiny soccer ball!

It's so much less adorable when I step on it in the dark with my bare feet.

Don't do the crime if your mama can't do the time.

My ten-year-old son got a three-day suspension from the before and afterschool daycare program. What he did was totally wrong and he totally deserves punishment, and I understand the reasoning for a specified suspension length when physical altercations occur. He's very sorry for his inappropriate behavior, but has long since gotten over what caused his own outburst (his ADHD makes it easy to avoid holding grudges) and will not do it again.

Unfortunately, him being out of the program for three days causes much more trouble for me (what with having to go to work late after dropping him at school, and leaving early to pick him up) than it does for him (he can do his homework, read his books and draw in the quiet of our house instead of in a noisy cafeteria).

Life is too short to wear boring clothes

I'm in an outfit rut.  I thinnk I've been wearing the same shit for three years.  My basic work outfit is a short black skirt and a cute top or a cute top and a cardigan.  I also have a bunch of dresses - thank you Target and Ann Taylor outlet - and pants.  Black pants, sometimes grey.  No beige or khaki anymore.  Beige and khaki make my ass look bigger than it is. 

So, last night I hit Macy's in NYC (the largest department store in the world, so they say) and I found exactly two tops and one dress in the three hours I was there.  And they are just like the shit I already wear.  All the really cute stuff was made for tall, skinny girls with no boobs.  One of the tops needs to go back because it's too small.  It's an XL!  What the hell?!

(I didn't even get a change to visit the sixth floor to look at shoes.  I was too discouraged)

Sour Juice

The first day back to work after vacation sucks major ass. That is all.

Happy Birthday!

To our fearless leader, Peeved Michelle!  Have some fun today!

Monday Morning Road Rage

This drives me nuts.  I approach a stop light, and the traffic that is already stopped looks something like this:

______________________

Car

Car

Slow Car

                    Me

Then, that slow car decides to pull in front of me.  Once the light turns green, I have to wait for the other two cars on the left to overtake us so that I can finally go around him.  So after this exercise, the only one inconvenienced is me.  The slow guy is still behind everyone else, and the other two cars are on their way.  Sheesh.

For a limited time only, act now!

First I was confused by the anthropomorphic hamsters featured in the Kia Soul commercials.  Now they are dancing in what seems to be an apocalyptic gaming landscape with robot warriors.  

Are they just throwing random stuff together that their target demographic likes?  I'm shocked the hamsters aren't wearing bikinis and washing hot rods.

Peeves of Yore: Mid-September Edition

Juice is out of juice in the Internet way, so here are POY from mid-September from years past. Enjoy!

Joanne had a hole in her ass back in '06. Make that two holes. Don't believe me? Click here.

In 2007, Blaugra proved the theory that men suck at loading the dishwasher.

Hazel had it with the stickers that come on fruit in 2008. She doesn't need THAT much fiber, ya hear?

While Hazel was battling fruit, Red was looking for his pears in 2009.

In 2010, a visitor to Meribon's office used her pre-determined stall, and left her a special present.

"It's me or the shoes!"

In reaction to me removing my favorite leopard-print Crocs flats last night, my husband said, "What's that disgusting SMELL?"

"Oh," I replied, "that's just my feet."

"Holy crap, you have GOT to stop wearing those plastic shoes! NASTY!"

Hmmm...I don't think so.

Where's the beef? No really, where the hell is it?

I placed an order from Nature's Prime Organics in June. It hasn't arrived yet. However, they are still offering all kinds of promotions to bring in the new customers.

Unfortunately it was a Groupon deal so it's pre-paid, no refunds. I want my organic meat and coffee, dammit!

Ooh that smell, can't you smell that smell?

Throwing away your half eaten tuna fish sandwich in the garbage I have in my office just because you were done eating it while we were talking, is going in the 'unacceptable' category. Knowing that you'll be out of the office until next week just gives me more of a reason to put half eaten fruit in your wastebasket. Being that it is fruit fly season, I think that is a fair revenge strategy.

Who do you think you are?

In the waiting area of the surgical center today, I witnessed a well-dressed, unattractive woman sitting with her bare, gnarly feet tucked under her on the chair. Her feet were in bad need of a pedi, scaly and unkempt.  It digusted me to think that she had those nasty things on a chair where some poor, unsuspecting patient would be sitting soon after she left.  And as it seemed today was kids day for procedures, I imagined some cute little kid standing there with his head on the chair waiting to be seen.  Ugh.  Made me want to slap the shit outta her and throw up while doing it.

Tenant Problems

What's worse than a psycho tenant throwing bleach on the carpets as a parting gift the day she moves out?

Having that same tenant steal the internet router, making it impossible to post my Peeves!

The good news is that our new router just arrived today so I am now back online, yay!

Just gnarly

First, I come home to a dead rat in the bushes next to my porch.  Now, it looks like some sort of small animal has vomited in my driveway.  It's the remnants of another animal, no less.  

When will the disgusting surpises end?!?  

Also, did I mention that the FedEx guy put a package from P&G (compliments of Blogher '11) right where the dead rat had been laying?  

I'm running out of Lysol.

Unjust

Somehow, I was the recipient of an email today at work, telling me that a coworker, who is about 7 years younger than I am and 924052 times more whiny, entitled, lazy, and bitchy, accepted a position in a new department making $6500 less than I'm making.

I know there will always be (a lot of) people who make (a lot) more than I do, but having it thrown in my face pisses me off to no end.

The Counting Crows Want To Teach Nickelback How To Dougie

The new neighbors have electic taste in music. Guess how I know?

 

Nature is Overrated

I went hiking on Saturday. I got bitten THREE times by what google has revealed to me to be deer flies. I now have three itchy, yellow oozing spots on my arms.  They are gross! Next time I will be sporting Deet.

Get a life, lady.

There's a new commercial for toilet paper that shows a woman with binoculars, looking into her neighbor's bathroom window. She's upset because the toilet paper has no cover on it. Here's what irks me about this commercial:

1. Why the hell is she peering into her neighbor's bathroom window? That's creepy and disgusting.

2. Is a toilet paper cover/box really necessary? Do people really keep a spare roll right on top of the tank?

3. And if they do, who cares?

It's a stupid commercial.

You can do it!

Dear Lovely Peevery Readers,

Won't you please send your peeves to me at redsoxfan529@gmail.com to be included in our Peeve-A-Thon on Oct. 1? Pretty please? You know you want to. We want you to. The Tooth Fairy is practically begging you to. We have open slots available at various times. Please don't make me beg more.

Send them to me by Sept. 28 for inclusion in our awesome blog.

Intern Update #9028234: A Lesson in Class

Intern #1: Wud up? Did you have a good weekend, Juice?

Juice: I did, thanks. You? What did you do?

Intern #1: Ugh, my girlfriend's been bitchin' about taking her out to a nice place to eat. Finally caved and brought her to PF Chang.

Juice: Errr...Lovely. I'm sure she liked it.

Intern #1: Yeah, it was okay. Since I drove, I made her pay. <hysterical hyena laughter>

Juice: Go away.

Intern #2: (Who is typically the bigger idiot) Dude, that's bad. Not cool at all.

 

Seriously.

The water company just came around to say that the water would be off in half an hour and off most of the day. Three of us have to poop and shower.  Looks like someone is going to be stinky today.

I can't feel my chonch

My skin is very easily irritated from shaving. So my sister, said, "Duh, use Bikini Zone." "Oh yeah," I thought. I had forgotten it existed. So I bought some and went to use it today post-shave. First of all, it has a child-proof-type cap where you have to push down and twist to open and I struggled with that for a moment. When I finally opened it, I set the tube down on the counter for a minute to grab something. It says "medicated cream" so I thought it would be the consistency of, say, Cortisone. Imagine my horror when I discovered it was actually a thin, clear liquid that immediately spilled all over the counter. In a moment of panic, I tried to salvage as much as I could, smearing it all over my "bikini zone" since it was way too thin and runny to try to get any back in the tube. That is quite a numbing agent. I hope I will one day regain sensation in my Erykah Ba-dooosh.

Peeves of Yore: Family Size Juice

Happy Friday, yo! Don't you just love short weeks? Did you all enjoy your Labor Day festivities? I did. Had a chance to get the hell out of Dodge overnight, and had the pleasure of visiting a lovely zoo. The animals and the company I was with were fantastic. The people who decided to visit the zoo on the same day...that's a whole different situation. I admit, I am not the most patient person in the whole entire world. Children, they have a small tendency to creep me out. Adults who wander in the middle of pathways and stop without warning make me want to punch someone in the face. Strollers? Don't get me started on strollers. Do they really belong in small confined spaces? No. If you decide to bring a stroller into a confined space, please know how to maneuver it. Practice before you arrive, maybe? We made it out alive, and the person I was with (I think) has an untarnished view of me.

Guess what, y'all? It will be another shorty for Juice next week. Hip hip hooray, bitches! Juice will be exercising a hop, skip, and a jump over to Cape Cod next Thursday. Going to spend a few days with my parents. The great thing about my parents is that no matter what my chronological age is, I will forever be 12 years old in their head. Hell, that is absolutely nothing to complain about either. Who the hell had their own money when they were 12 years old? Not this kid. What does this mean? Milk them for all it's worth! Put my wallet away for the weekend, and enjoy the free ride. Terrible of me, isn't it? I really do love those two crazy kids. Long overdue visit with them.

With that said, I have decided to dedicate this weeks PoV to Home/Family/Pets. You can't live with them, but also you can't live without them. However, if they're not yours, you can kick them out of your mutha effin' way.

Who needs couple's therapy? All you really need to do is move to a new home. Just ask Amy. She may be beaten, battered, and bruised...but damn it, her fire breathing hate speech has definitely diminished.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Nikki's husband's friend will need to start growing his own set of new balls very soon. Because, Nikki is about to reach in, grab, twist, and yank that junk right off of his body. Balls.

Goodness, we sure have come a long way from these days. I haven't come across any lost poo anywhere, and no danglers to deal with either. Instead, we've moved on to bindging and purging. Damn it, I sure do love those little bastards, though.

Don't worry, Peeved Michelle. He'll be back humping your leg before you know it. Now, that's unconditional love.

Hey Red, Maybe Nikki will give you the balls she rips off of her husband's friend. Sounds like you may be in need of a pair? Balls. (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

While I've used this before, I'll end with a lovely little "tip of the hat" to Friday. Compliments of Mr. Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon. Happy weekend, everyone!

 

 

Unhappy Friday

Today is our annual happy hour to celebrate everyone's promotions, raises and bonuses. (In our organization, a bonus payment goes to everyone, not just upper management, so we peons use it as an excuse to party.) I've already gotten phone calls from both schools about issues the kids are having today, with promises to update me through the day if anything else goes wrong. I need my children to keep their mood disorders in check today, otherwise I will lose my opportunity for inappropriate coping mechanisms for my own stress!

Who Was It?

What person drives an 11 year old piece of crap minivan 3 hours away to a wedding? The same person who forgot to check the fluid levels before the trip. The same damned fool that followed the route the GPS gave him on the way home that took him over unfamiliar and desolate ground but was a shorter time and distance. The same flipping idiot that had his van overheat and stall roughly halfway between West Bumfuckville, NY and East Bojesusland, NY.  The goddam moron that was lucky his brother was following him to take him to the nearsest gas station that wasn't actually the nearest gas station and buy radiator coolant. The same fucking dipshit that then told the kind New York State Trooper who had stopped to help TWICE that "we're all good, you can take off" right before he tried to start the van and found that the battery was dead, and then had to flag down a passing motorist to give him a jump. Yeah, that guy. Take a wild guess.

The Cycle Relay Peeves Continue

We haven't had much Internet access (or spare time to use it) since Monday, which is a peeve in itself, so here's my round-up so far:

1. I told you to go to the walk-in clinic and get your ghastly wound stitched up. You waited a full day, then discovered that it was infected, and now you're in the hospital on a drip. Way to go.

2. Cycling 103 miles in a penguin costume is a very bad idea. Thanks for allowing me to endure a 15-hour day on your behalf.

3. If you pull up behind me and sit on the railroad crossing and the barriers come down on top of your van (pretty sure you have a nice dent in your roof now), you're an idiot. Sorry I couldn't move out of the way faster - my heart attack was causing me to stall the car while trying to move it.

It's going to be a good day...

I hit someone with my car this morning. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Some douche bag crossing the street drinking coffee out of the biggest bucket-o-coffee while texting on their medieval cell phone walked right into my car. Dumping their entire supply of morning caffeine onto the hood of my car. Apparently, their stupidity was my fault, seeing how he yelled profanities at me while hitting the hood of my car with his hand. He is quite fortunate the light remained red until he passed my car, otherwise he would be missing more than his cheap gas station coffee.

No explanation

I don't like it when parents give their babies or children their cell phones to play with. Why? Do I not like the idea of baby slobber on a phone? Do I think the kid will accidentally call 911? Do I just hate children and think they don't deserve a grown-up phone? I have absolutely no idea why it irks me. But I cringe every time I see it. I feel ashamed of this peeve since it has no basis in logic.