The Peevery

Small Irritations, Like a Wedgie of the Mind

Who the hell came up with the idea of attaching fake testicles to the back of vehicles?  I can't even put into words how dumb this is.

There's a Little Black Spot On The Road Today

The street I live on is in really good shape, especially for not having been resurfaced in at least ten years.  This year, the town patched one little spot near the end of my driveway.  This patch is dark compared to the rest of the roadway, which has faded over the years.  Now, every time I back out of my driveway I think someone is in the road behind me and I slam on my brakes.  Nothing like a mini heart attack to get the blood going every morning.

Old Navy needs to get new stock

My son has outgrown all of his old school clothes. They have to wear uniforms (khaki or blue shorts, and white or blue shirts). For years I've been buying them online from Old Navy. Now that he's in a men's size, I went to their website to buy them. Big problem - NONE in stock.

So I had to resort to buying him clothes from American Eagle, which is not nearly as cheap as Old Navy. My wallet has taken a hit just from buying three shirts and four pairs of shorts.

Remember Me?

I was here at the bus stop before you were.

I am here before you at the bus stop every morning.

Therefore, you don't get to board the bus before I do.

Also, I hate your shoes.

Prickly Pair

I have a pedicure appointment today, and it will involve some lower leg massage. I have a leg waxing appointment tomorrow. Therefore, the pedicure technician is going to have to massage my hairy legs. I will feel sorry for her and will overtip her.

Let Me Hear You Make Some Noise!

The Payroll Manager has the office on the other side of the wall from me. All day long, he shreds things, and his shredder is frikkin' loud. It's like the wail of a cheap handmixer. It's not loud enough, however, to cover up the other cringeworthy sounds coming out of his office.

When it rains...

One room in my house is being renovated. Meanwhile, other areas of my house are starting to piss me off. First, the shower broke. Then, the furnace broke. At this point, I have the shower back but not the hot water. I guess I should be grateful that I don't have to do a cold whore's bath in the morning.

Do you want to go out of business?

Dear Small Store Owner:

If your shop closes at 5 PM, how do you expect to attract the after-work shoppers?  If you don't post your business hours, why would I return to your store?  If you expect to thrive, why do you carry the same exact stuff in your store as four other stores in the same block? 

Sincerely,

Frustrated Small Town Shopper

I've Gotten a Complex

If you're on vacation and can't check your email, put a damn "out of office" message up.  Otherwise, I'm thinking you're just ignoring me for TWO DAMN WEEKS!

This is Why I'm Fat

Damn you, office snack shop and your 25 pence chocolate bars!

Not So Sweet and Not Sixteen

I have been a licensed driver for nearly 12 years (I procrastinated and got my license when I was 18). Since my Canadian license can't be exchanged for a manual car license in the UK and my car is manual, I am now in the process of going through the whole new driver thing all over again. In 1.5 hours, I have my theory test. After I pass that, I have to do driving lessons and take a road test.

Nobody should have to do this shit more than once in their life.

Also, I am not impressed with the driving school that took my online form query about their rates as a go-ahead to start text spamming my cell phone.

If my driving instructor is younger and less experienced than me, there might be carnage.

Met Me at the Copa Tonight

A few gripes after a week packed with fruitless meetings.

• No matter what the topic is, I can barely stay awake during any meeting.  Think Apu trying to study for the citizenship test.
• Did you ever have a discussion with someone who punctuates his talking with smiles in weird places?  I can't tell if it's a smile or a grimace.
• A client asked for some help in selecting a vendor.  I called a guy and told him where to meet.  I sent an e-mail with the location.  The guy still went to the company's old address. 

But not you!

I hate everyone.

Paging Dr. Scholl

I hate feet, everyone's feet.

So while driving on the highway, and I pass a car with the passenger's feet propped up on the dashboard, or hanging out the window, I am instantly grossed out.

I am not efficient.

The bottles of laundry detergent were buy-one-get-one-free. Score.

I got home and noticed that the detergent is HE detergent, specially formulated for the new high efficiency washers. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Fail.

Foaming at the Mouth

This time I decided to try the drugstore's brand of teeth whitening strips instead of the name brand.

The packaging says "Now easier to peel from the backing!" No, they're not.

The directions tell me to affix the strips to my teeth and allow them to dissolve. The strips don't fix themselves to anything, just float around in my mouth, slightly foaming.

I tried talking to my husband while attempting to whiten my teeth with floating foaming white strips and he thought I was mad at him.

NASCAR would be ashamed of you.

If you have gasoline company bumper stickers stuck on the back of your car, I expect you to be able to use that gas.

Do you hear me, Mr. Sunoco?  Use the skinny pedal!

Burning Question

Why does a heatwave cause everyone to drive like fucking assholes?

Peeves of Yore: Hot Juice in the Summer Sucks

Not sure where you are all at, but the average heat index for my section of the world this week was 103-105. Seriously? I do believe we are all being punished for something. Mother nature has decided to go ape shit, and give us all the finger. Hot weather makes for a very grouchy Juice, too. And, nobody wants that in their path. Total destruction. We are, however, supposed to get a little bit of relief here for a few days. My family, friends, colleagues, and most of all, innocent strangers will be very happy. With the lower temperatures, will come a lower temper from Juice.

I would like to dedicate this Peeves of Yore to the diggity dog days of summer. Love it, hate it, we have to deal with it. So, why don't we go down memory lane and visit some peeves from summers past!

Apparently, Bailey never tuned into anything with Paris Hilton. Actually, Paris Hilton and Asian girls. Paris and the Asian girls love the pussy!

At that point, you are at the climax of your situation, Joanne. It may be better to spit than swallow?

I'm pretty sure AAA has a sabatour following Hazel around. They hook you, reel you in, and give you the big 'fuck you!' That's how they make their money, I'm sure of it.

Just a hunch, I'm guessing Jen14221 is experiencing a bit of deja vu' right now? Suck it, weather!

I'm pretty sure Kate the Peon has been saved from her potential trip to hell. Well, as long as, she refrained from giving her friend a spelling lesson.

Favouritism

The baby only likes to sleep through the night on the nights when it's my husband's turn to get up with her.

Little. Blue. Creepy.

My four-year-old asked me what a smurf was and I could not come up with a decent description that wouldn't scare her. "They are little blue guys who wear white pants and no shirt but one of them wears red pants and there was only one girl smurf until they expanded the franchise after they ran out of clever adventures and there's a mean guy and a mean cat and I think some mushrooms and stuff." Try it, it's not easy.

Lunchtime Fabulousness Thwarted

My plans for lunch today were to get my hair blown out at Drybar, grab my favorite skirt steak salad from the nearby Daily Grill, and return to work. That's a nice lunch hour, right?

The girl at Drybar asked if I like the ends to curl out or in. IN. She asked how much height I wanted on top. GIANT. She asked if I wanted hair spray. A LOT.

By the time I ordered a skirt steak salad, no blue cheese, from the restaurant upstairs, my hair was flat, the ends were flipping out, and I was pulling fly-aways out of my mouth.

HAIR FAIL.

I arrived back at work, sat down at my desk, and eagerly opened my salad only to find big fricking chunks of blue cheese all over the damn thing. I called the manager and asked him to refund my credit card, which he said he would do, because I was not driving all the way across town to get their mistake corrected.

LUNCH FAIL.

iCommute: Now with Telepathic Communication

Things I tried to communicate telepathically to other drivers on my way to work this morning:

Please help me understand why you are driving 40 mph in a 55 mph zone.

You are driving a Porsche. I should not be able to pass you in my Scion.

 Yes, I agree. She is hot and her boobs look nice. However, the light is greand and I WOULD LIKE TO GO.

Repost This

Dear People I know on Facebook,

All of those stupidass "repost this if you agree" status updates don't really accomplish anything except clutter up people's feeds.  Please stop them. This includes those "funny" ones about being aware of dragons or pastafarians or whatever.

Thank you,

Grouchy FB Friend

Debunked

Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a stupid question and I'm asked quite a few of them every day.

Bad Plant Mommy

I know it's almost impossible to avoid when growing members of the squash family, especially in a coastal region, but I still feel horribly incompetent and irresponsible when my zucchini leaves show even the smallest spot of powdery mildew.

19-Year High School Reunion

I'm trying to decide if I want to go the Class of 1991's high school reunion in October. I was in the Class of 1992 but I had so many friends who graduated in 1991 (like our own Peever, Karla). The peeve? It costs $100.

But it's a dry heat

I know I can't complain about weather since I live in San Diego, but my tiny condo has poor insulation, no A/C and is blazing hot in the summer. I can open all four windows and my front door and turn on my ceiling fan and it's still too hot to be comfortable. Portable A/C units are expensive (for my small budget) and have to vent out a window or be installed in a window. So I bought a big square fan to set in a window, hoping to add to the ventilation and air flow...only to discover that all my window sills are too small and I can't set the fan on any sill in my home. I have started sleeping naked on top of the bed with an ice pack on my chest and a wet washcloth behind my neck.

Press 1 for "Suck It"

I have noticed that almost every one of those automated phone answers say something like this:

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

I have no idea whatever they may have been before, so why include that sentence?  I think it is a weird thing to say.

Can I pretend I spilled water?

Why the hell am I outside when it's 100 degrees outside? I'm too afraid to get off my chair, fearing that I will have insanely visible back and booty sweat.

Titsling Troubles

It's generally a bad idea to go bra shopping after perspiring heavily on a walk in the hot summer sun.

(Before you give me shit about sweating up the merchandise, let me add that I bought the ones that I tried on.)

Peeves of Yore: Interns Who Drank The Juice

My sincere apologies, my fellow Peevers and Peever lovers. I had my parents in town last week, and that caused me to miss last weeks Peeves of Yore. I'm guessing most of you could give two shits. However, for those of you who look forward to the weekly PoV, I shall do my best to redeem myself.

I really enjoy having my parents come to visit me. They always ask me to put together a list of things I'd like to accomplish while they are in town. This is awesome. Not only is it free labor, but they buy the beer, wine, and food too. Nothing like having my cake, and drinking the booze for free too!

So, today I would like to dedicate the Peeves of Yore to my interns. I have loved them all, hated them all, and most of all... Got them the hell out of my life, and sent them off into the world. And it seems they may have ended up in some of yours! Lucky you.

Seems that Joanne must have hired one of my lovely interns!

Oh, my goodness! Kayteadee hired one of my interns, too!

Well, there seems to be a theme forming, here. Peeved Michelle has the pleasure of working with one of my little babies too. I teach them so well!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Looks like Max is the proud owner of one (or a few) too.

Last, but certainly not least. Congratulations, Blaugra! You definitely have encountered one of my idiots. Pretty awesome.

Have a lovely weekend, all!

Sally Sunshine

I've had a hard time peeving lately because of my consumption of happy pills. Everything that used to infuriate me just sort of rolls off my back lately. This pisses me off, but not too much.

Random Assignments

For one of my classes there's an assignment list and a module that has a discussion topic due each week.  This is fine. What is starting to annoy the hell out of me is the random extra assignments that are listed on various other pages that if you miss it, you (meaning me) may not know about it. Seriously, list all the assignments on the assignment page and I likely won't miss one.

For my other class our bookstore had listed all the books as "recommended" and didn't actually have several of them.  I did not special order them because they were "recommended" and I don't bother with those. Turns out someone doesn't know the difference between required and recommended as there are readings I have to do from some of them, most annoyingly they are mostly from the special order books.

A Method to their madness?

I feel like every time I need new dish soap, Method has yet again changed the packaging. They are very concerned with aesthetics, which I understand and appreciate but they have yet to perfect the functionality of their dishwashing liquid packaging.

Celebrating the Art of Shovelling BS

I received in the mail yesterday some real estate agent's glossy magazine touting some million dollar houses.  The caption or slogan or whatever is Celebrating the Art of Living. 

Whoa, that's a whole lot of pretentious crammed into a few words.  I don't think there's much art involved in breathing, as even an uncultured bounder as myself has pretty much mastered that task.

A Peevish Delivery

Dear Labor and Delivery Nurse:

Telling me to "push hard" for three hours really pissed me off. Did I appear to be half-assing my pushes? I assure you I was not. I would have told you to go fuck yourself when I realized that "push hard" was the only guidance in your repertoire but you were the only one in the room who knew how to call the doctor for the good drugs. 

Sincerely, 

Kayteadee

 

Not a peave

I have a Facebook friend (a very nice acquaintance from high school) who just posted about her Biggest Peave on Facebook. I badly want to comment, "It's spelled PEEVE." But she is a nice person. And I agree with her peeve. But inside, when I can't correct someone's spelling, I die a little. I'm a snob, I know.

Stop it!

1. Wearing words on your ass
2. Writing Facebook statuses that are longer than two sentences
3. Katy Perry

Probably not the right time to turn lemons into lemonade.

My right hand is full of paper cuts.

Call Me Crazy

Dear Self,

Every day for the past 15 years you've ingested some kind of little pill in order to keep you from going bonkers. How hard is it to remember that? Perhaps you'll remember feeling like this giant pile of shit and won't ever forget the little pill again.

Love,
You

No tip for you!

I don't mind when people assume I have children. I really don't. But if you're going to assume I have kids, shampoo girl at the salon, don't ask "So are your kids in high school?"

Moo.

Why isn't organic milk sold in containers smaller than a half gallon? I can never drink the whole container before it turns sour.

Bug Buffet

No amount of Deep Woods Off or Skin-So-Soft or anything seems to repel my tasty nature when it comes to mosquitoes and flies, and no amount of trying to avoid contact with the bites has been successful. I released venom on no fewer than five bites on my leg while shaving today, and now I'm itching like mad. My super pale skin tone makes the redness and swelling look extra mega-sexy, too.

Thank You Please

I do not live near anyone right now so when a birthday or Christmas or other gift requiring event comes around, I am sending them or ordering online to be sent directly to the person. Since Christmas I don't think I've gotten a thank you for anything I've sent to anyone (including my parents for their respective days!).  This peeves me on two levels. 1 - It's just rude.  2 - I can't tell if what I ordered actually arrived to the recipient so then I have to ask and then it looks like I'm just asking for a Thank You. 

An iPod or a Gun?

I'm going to have to buy one or the other to get through my morning bus ride to work, what with the new batch of college students going to the city every day for their summer jobs/internships. "Like, we wanted to, like, have this, like, party, but my, like, roommate is, like, so weird and, like, she didn't want, like, people over..."

Get off my bus, ya dang youngsters. And my lawn!

My meals defy description.

Our mandatory online expense report form includes way too many required fields. The most annoying one lately is the "description" field for meals. I strongly considered putting "most important meal of the day" for breakfast and "tasty and protein filled" for lunch.

Hairdon't

I decided to be wild and crazy and get my hair cut into short layers, since my hair is fine and lacks body. Big mistake. I forgot how much I HATE hair on my neck when it gets above 90 degrees in Georgia (which we've had more than 36 straight days of).

Now my regular hairdo includes a ponytail and various bobby pins to keep the top layers from making my head look like a mushroom.

Peeves of Yore: Red, White, and Blue(berry) Juice

Happy (almost) Birthday, America! Bring on the sparklers, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, beer, bbq, nasty little ants and those shit for brains, mosquito's! Hopefully, you all have a nice holiday weekend planned. Those of you from various foreign lands, sucks to be you this weekend! Us Americans, will be whooping it up long past midnight on Sunday! There's nothing better than a little All-American patriotic music, complimented with some major fist-pumping.

I had originally planned on dedicating the PoV this week to July 4th entries. Then, I remembered that not all of our peevers (and peeve followers) are from the land of Lady Liberty. I am all about equality (please recall the major ass kissing last week to make sure Amy felt included), so I have decided to keep this PoV to the month of July from years past. Happy Reading, 'yall!

I'm going to go ahead and guess that Peeved Michelle's favorite movies list does not include 'Powder.' Look, I am in total agreement. White on (white) rice, is never a good look.

Hey, Blaugra... Any chance you can give me a quick update on foreign politics or oil reserves in Alaska? Shit, me either. But, I bet we could trade awesome notes on what Lindsay Lohan is shoving up her nose, spewing out of her mouth, or hiding in her pursey purse! I'm damn proud I know that, too!

The perfect bumper sticker for Hazel: Honk and I'll fucking mow your ass down, mother fucker! Beep! Beep!

Kate the Peon, meet Amy. Amy, meet Kate the Peon. Amy loves Pussy. Kate the Peon is a pussy. Match made in pussy heaven!

Joanne, that's even worse than having 'Juicy' or 'Pink' on your ass. The real question is, whether or not said shorts were tie-dye? Please, tell me there wasn't a fanny pack involved? In the words of Rachel Zoe: "That is BUH-NAN-UHSSSSS!" (and not in a good way).

Well, my fellow Peevers and Peeve followers, have a wonderful weekend! Whether you live in the United States or not, do America proud this weekend. Crack open a few cold ones, stir up some sangria, squeeze the bag inside the box wine until is completely empty... Have a safe and happy holiday!

Holiday Weekend

It's dead at the office today. I have no work to do here yet a million things to get done at home. I should have taken a 4-day holiday like the rest of my slacker coworkers. Damn my Japanese work ethic!