The Peevery

Unrelated

1. If you agree that I should delegate tasks to you, and I do, please don't go on vacation during the timeframe said tasks are due. I will then still be on the hook and I'll hate you a little bit.

2. Please realize that I am not entertaining any wedding conversations, no matter how small or hypothetical, until we are actually engaged. Telling me we need to check with not-my-sister-in-law before planning our wedding will only piss me off SINCE WE'RE NOT ENGAGED and provoke snarky comments from me along the lines of "I'm not planning any wedding. I hear it can be lucrative. Are you wanting to take that up as a side business?" which will then annoy you. 

Either a) ask the question, or b) shut up. Both are equally acceptable at this point in time.

Seduced by Mr. Pringle

I was at the CVS, trolling the aisles for Extra-Care-Specials, and suddenly had a craving for potato chips. I know I'm not supposed to eat potato chips, but that sometimes just makes me want them more. So I happened upon what I thought was a terrific deal, 3 cans of Pringles for $5.

Did I really need 3 cans of reduced fat or whole grain whatever Pringles?  I bought them.

Like an idiot I seriously thought these chemical-laced chip-like pieces of paper would be better for me if they were reduced fat or whole grain. I hate that little mustachioed man. Plus, my hand got stuck in the bottom of the can and I'm such a stupid human I didn't think to just empty the contents onto a plate.

Monday Partay

It is pretty much a Monday at work since yesterday was a holiday.  Here's some things that bug me today.

• The word partake.  I can't help but think of Andy Bernard from The Office.
• Andes mints. Like eating broad flat crayolas.
• Working with 20-somethings.  We were in the car on the way to lunch and the guy says, "This tune sounds vaguely Asian.  Where is it from?".  Little Brother, that is the theme song from Lambada.  It was dumb when it came out in the 80s or 90s and the coolness pendulum has not swung in the other direction.

Veterinary Woes

When I stop going to this vet, it will not be because after five visits we still can't figure out what is wrong with his ears.  It isn't mites.  It will be because despite the fact that somewhere during each visit they ask about his shots and I say "He got his shots in September from the shelter I adopted him from." Apparently it is too difficult to put THAT information into the system. The phone call I received asking me how he was doing now that he has had his damn shots has pushed me over an edge.

Bibliophile Blues

Books are my thing. I am always reading. Every Tuesday I scour the Web for new releases. It seems like every other book out right now is part of either a trilogy or #8 in the series, etc. While it's fun discovering new series, sometimes I just want to read a book not in a series.

Shed Spread

I don't know why but the skin on my hand is peeling off.  In big spots.  It's really ugly looking.  I don't itch but it does sting a little bit.  Until now I had always assumed that if people called me a reptile, they would be speaking metaphorically.

Good News/Bad News

Good: My Work Nemesis is leaving the company!

Bad: Nemesis's replacement is an Unknown Quantity that will need breaking in, patience, etc.

Hopefully from somebody other than me.

Peeves of Yore: Juice Variety Pack

Well, it's that day again! Happy Friday, everyone! I hope everyone had a lovely week, and have some great plans put into place for this Memorial Day Weekend. Most of which are spent with amazingly awesome friends out by the BBQ with a bunch of cold beer and wine by the case! The flip-side is you are stuck with your drunk uncles, crazy aunts, disapproving parents, brothers and sisters (psst...one of my dearest friends, Kate Reinders, is the princess!) who will forever act an age no older than 12. Or, you have the pleasure of being in my Teva flip flops this weekend. Going to a graduation, followed by a graduation party. It wouldn't be so incredibly horrible, except, it's spread over two days! That shit eats up my whole weekend! I know, I know, we are all forced to do things we don't enjoy. I just need to buck up, show my pearly whites, be supportive, and bring my own 2-3 bottles of wine. This graduation party is also outside. And unless I'm at the beach/pool where I can feel a breeze and cool off in the water if need be, I'm a crabby cathy. Otherwise, give me some air conditioning STAT! As I have previously mentioned, I tend to sweat like a guy. Apparently, there is a remedy for this, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready to take that step. Juice for a Juicehead! Hopefully, while I sweat my tee-tees off, all of you will be basking in some great weather!

I have to admit, this week was actually a pretty good one! Not that everyother week sucks balls or anything. I just had so many after work activities going on, that it made the week fly by! It could have had something to do with the fact that all of my after work activites involved food and lots-o-booze, but who knows. OR, it could also have something to do with the day I went to the gas station and some asshole gunned it to the last open pump, almost killing me. My response to his absurd actions? I got out of my car, gave him the finger and said, "eat shit and die, asshole!" Oh, my goodness, did that ever feel amazing!

On that note...Since this weekend is one usually filled with good food, good fun, and a variety of yummy adult beverages, I thought I would just do a nice little Peeves of Yore Variety Pack. Happy reading!

I think Kate the Peon needs to give her trainer a little math lesson. March him over to the scale, stand on it and ask, "X number minus 30. What is that number? Now, shut the eff up! Do your job, encourage my ass, and yell at me like Jillian Michaels until I get to that number! And then??? Shut the hell up and yell at someone else!" I think that will take care of your little Juicehead problem.

I'm not quite sure what the worst part of this experience is, Blaugra? The actual product chosen by this "woman who is of similar age," the fact that the chosen counting method was one by one by one by one, or the odd total number of said product? Either way, after three I'd want to kick her in the shins. Dummy. Count before you come to the counter!

May I offer a suggestion, Kayteadee? Should this happen again, you just tell those bitches that you have a hardline to Al Gore. And, can they imagine how shit pissed he would be if he knew your garbage was outside rotting and spewing pollution into the air? Okay, maybe it's not much better than sitting in a landfill. However, atleast they cover they shit up, and try to plant trees on the garbage.

I've been in this same situation, Red. Sounds like you were much more classy than I ever was. I decided a little bumper-carts was in order. Attempting to cut in line in front of me is a big no-no. I'll take you down, down to Chinatown. Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong. I don't believe I have ever lost, either.

If only everyone listened to Peeved Michelle's instructions on how to eat and chew your food in a normal and civilized manner, I would definitely have fewer homicidal thoughts

Coffee Cool-lotta Pee!

A medium-sized dunkin donuts coffee coolatta plus pregnant woman equals four trips to the bathroom in 30 minutes. Come on now, I've actually got work to do this morning!

I know I shouldn't even be drinking the stuff, but I haven't had any caffeine in ages and was craving one. Lesson learned as I won't be indulging again until post pregnancy. 

Next, Asshat

I really hate when there is a long line at a store and someone opens up another register and calls out "next in line!" and some jackass from the back of the line races to get to the register first. So thoughtless.

Taking Care of Business

Based on the stories I hear, no person has ever been fired for poor performance or bad behavior.  It seems that only the model employees, those who are the glue holding together the company, are the ones who are unfairly terminated.

I gather that people do not get fired because they can't do the job. Rather, the boss always has it in for them.  Personality conflict, you see.  My favorite is when bosses fee threatened by the outstanding competence displayed by subordinates, so therefore they must rid themselves of these threats.  Of course.  It makes so much sense.  Why would a boss want a competent team when he could have a bunch of dopes wandering around. Seriously?  You think the boss felt threatened that you're too good a worker? 

Call Center Woes

If I call customer service and type in my 16 digit card number then why in the holy hell do I have to verbally repeat it once an actual human gets on the line?

Do Women Not Listen to Hard Rock?

I've been listening to the local hard rock station since shortly after I moved here. They've run several contests now that make me think about dropping the station.  They have had two "Seat for seats" contests where women take a photo of their butts and listeners can vote on them to win concert tickets.  They had one "show us your rack" contest, and now they are running a "hand bra" contest, think Janet Jackson on that magazine cover once upon a time.  They've never had a contest that in any way objectified men like that. I think the hand bra contest has pushed me over the edge and I'm going back to the alternative station.

Regrets Only

Where: Every busy gas station in the greater Pittsburgh area

When: Any time of the day or night    

What: Move your damn ass car to a parking spot when you are done filling up and before you go inside to pay, buy your chew, order a 4-course meal, or drop a log. 

Head-Down Means Ass-Up

Thanks to one of the doctors at my OB/GYN's office, I needlessly spent much of Thursday worried/crying/freaking out about having a c-section because I was told that my kid was in a breech position. Apparently after medical school and 20 years in the business of birthing babies, he couldn't tell the difference between a baby's head and ass by feel. 

In other news, next-day ultrasounds to verify position are fucking awesome. 

 

The Sounds of Summer

I like to sit on the deck on summer evenings to relax. The water trickles in the fountain and the birds chirp until the crickets come out. It's quiet and peaceful.

Or at least it was until my neighbors decided to add on a screened in porch, complete with a tile floor and a television. They crank the tv and the sound bounces off the tile so that I too can enjoy the sound of Shepard Smith yammering on.  The best part? They go inside after old Shep is done with the news and leave the motherfucking television on for hours.

Armed Forces Day 2011

Is this a new holiday?  Anyway, in honor of this day here are three minor irritations about the army:

• The berets.  The flash is the size of a dinner plate and results in a ten gallon French hat that looks totally lame. 
• Concertina wire.  If you have ever heard the story of the tar baby, it was inspired by this stuff.
• Camouflage nets.  See above.  Huge and troublesome to work with but less painful.

Peeves of Yore: It's the end of the world as Juice knows it.

Happy Friday! How's the weather by you? It's a steady piss stream of rain here by me. Gloomy and rainy, but it is warm. So, I'm not going to bitch and moan too much about that. Besides, with less than one day left before the world is engulfed in armageddon and rapture my birthday, I should really focus on the positive things in life! I was never one to get too jacked up about my Birthday. Another day, another dollar...another year gone by. However, I've been told that I should be incredibly fearful of the numero 30? It's like once I hit the age of 30, my life is over and the world will end. Oh, wait... Truthfully, the only real difference I see, is that I get tired so much earlier. I mean, sometimes, we're talking about 8:00pm bedtime for me. Shit, by the time I hit 40, I'm sure I'll be begging for early entry to the restaurant 'early bird specials,' and driving around in a Cadillac DTS. I'm so lame.

Moving along! In honor of my day of birth, the arrival of spring, and the end of the world, I have decided to dedicate this PoY to the month of May. Happy reading!

While Stacey "SHUT UP!" London would certainly not approve, Nikki is suggesting that should you not know how to haul ass in your sky high heels, buy some sneaks and get a move on. Otherwise, she'll run you over with her car. Seriously.

Looking to 'class up' your event? Call Blaugra. She'll drink like a fish, swear like piss drunk Sailor, and look fabulous the whole entire time. Money can't buy you class, but Blaugra will give it to you for a box-o-wine and a few pieces of food on a stick!

Dear Peeved Michelle, This happened to me a few times too. Guess what I did? Never happened again.

No dieting, expensive weight loss programs, or even laxitives are needed in the event Jen14221 is looking to ever shed a few pounds. Just switch on the boob tube, DVR the commercial, and watch when needed. Now, that's what I'm talking about!

It takes quite a long time for bordem to set in for Rachel. Therefore, back that ass up. Otherwise, she may just switch things up a bit, and decide she'd like her back bumper replaced.

It's going to happen, unless you give them coffee.

It seems like the end of another school year draws out the inevitable, "I can't believe how old my kid is getting! They grow so fast!" from well-meaning parents. Well, yeah, they're kids. They grow. I understand the sentiment behind it, but that's just not my thing.

I think I'm one of the few parents who actually enjoys my child getting older. I no longer have to wipe his butt, cut his nails, bathe him, etc.  He's almost 12 - I dig him more and more the older he gets, I don't wish for him to revert back to babyhood for one second.

Totally Inconvenient

My favorite Wawa convenience store changed overnight to a crappy-ass shitty-coffee-making bad-hoagie Pantry 1.

Wawa has a cult following. Their coffee bar rocks my world. And it's fun to say.

I walked up to the door, saw the new sign, noticed that all my favorite Wawa workers who sing to me and call me "Hon" were gone and I exclaimed, "NOOOOOOOO!" loudly enough for the manager to hear me. Bad start to my day.

Not even my favorite jam makes this edible.

If you ever wondered what soggy wood pulp would taste like, try one of these:
Plus, it just crumbles in your hand. Triple blech!

Sparkly

One of the side effects of having a 4 year old princess is that my house and clothes are constantly covered in glitter from costumes and artwork. Do you know how hard it is to remove glitter from a baby's forehead? It's not as easy as you'd think.

Gad!

"Generalized Anxiety Disorder?" I know it must exist, because I have it, but it sounds so...wimpy.

Gritty

Tuesday night while I was volunteering one of the little girls threw play sand at me and got me upside the head with it.  Two days and two showers later, I'm STILL finding play sand in my ear.

Going out with a bang?

I am not fully, partially, or even minutely educated on this May 21, 2011 'End of the World' business. However, fearing a real life 'War of the Worlds' is not how I pictured I would be spending my 30th birthday. Even if you threw in a Tom Cruise, I'd still pass on this doomsday business. Well, if you're looking for me on Saturday, I'll be the "party for one" at the bar, purchasing wine by the bottle. Who knows, I may even wear a birthday hat. I fear I am turing into Bridget Jones.

Uber-Saturated

I'm so over seeing "uber" everywhere. Uber can go stand against the wall with its other modifier friends ultra, super, and mega. In fact, I'm uber-over uber.

America runs away from Dunkin.

Dear Dunkin Donuts:

Your coffee and sandwiches in Pennsylvania suck. The coffee is flavorless and watery. You burn my bagel. How can you be so tasty in New England but so sucky in the Keystone State?

Over you,

Blaugra

Sit down, shut up, and let the show begin!

I visited a middle school for a small assembly program. I'm just a naive observer, not an educator or social worker.

A security guard introduced the program. A big uniformed security guard with a walkie-talkie. Introducing an arts program. Not an educator who would put it into context for the audience.

He yelled, "Now LISTEN UP!  These nice people have come to this school to put on a show, and if I see anyone acting up I will pull you out of here IMMEDIATELY! I am not kidding! Do you understand me?  Now, raise your hand if you can't handle these instructions or don't want to be here!"

The audience was just kids who are already involved in the drama club and choir. WTF kind of way is that to introduce a school program? The school just assumed the worst in the students?  I was so dismayed.

Yellow Mustard Blues

There are few things more disgusting than trying to put mustard on a nice hot dog, and winding up with that little watery trickle squirting on your dog because you did not shake the squeeze bottle well.

Hungry Like ... Well, Nothing

I was psyched when my new medication caused me to have a loss of appetite. Easy weight loss, right?

Thing is, my brain doesn't receive the message from my stomach that I'm hungry. The only way I remember to eat now is when I'm about to pass out from low blood sugar. I kind of miss that appetite.

Getting the screw (again) from the local school district

This came home in my kid's backpack.  YESTERDAY.

 
Assholes.

In My Lunch Bag

Why is it that a delicious porkchop with baby potatoes and green beans is not nearly as satisfying as a cheap fast food burger?

 

Oh and crap, I forgot today is meatless Monday.

I should just stay away from TV message boards.

Peek= to look at quickly

Peak= the highest point

Pique= to arouse or provoke

I will not take a peak at the promo that peeked your interest in the finale episode of your favorite CBS drama.

Tick-Tock

Yesterday the BF and I enjoyed a sunny afternoon at the local zoo. Afterwards we ran a billion errands. We came home and I changed clothes, then grabbed a book and sat under a blanket on the couch to read.

And then I noticed a freaking woodtick crawling on me.

What kind of freaking bionic ticks are there, that they managed to stay on my clothes (I'm assuming) through a billion stops, and where the heck was he hiding that he didn't stay on my clothes when I changed them?

Creeps me out. And makes me shudder thinking there may be more lurking. *Shudder*

This Is Not Nam, There Are Rules Here

One of the rules of the Peevery is that all posts must have a title. We follow that rule because Peeved Michelle's first name isn't Happy. And, she'll call us on it if we don't comply.

There has been an absolute rash of subject-less emails at The Factory lately. On any given day, I am responsible for more than two dozen separate initiatives. When people don't put a subject (like, say, the initiative NAME) in the subject line of their email, I have to take the time to find out wtf they're referring to. Drives me batty and makes me want to kick people in the teeth.

Apparently I need to implement the threat of public humiliation as incentive to follow the rules.

Everybody does it.

Raw carrots take too long to masticate.

Are Highwaters In Now?

I went looking for work pants yesterday. Pants. Not crops or capris or shorts or whatever. I wanted long pants. I bought two pairs of "ankle pants" thinking that was their euphamism for regular length pants. I blame the lack of thought about this on the fact that I had been shopping for HOURS and was tired.  I bought them without trying them on.  Put one pair on, they're highwaters.  Tried the other pair on, also highwaters. Is this a trend now?  People wearing highwaters, I'm sorry ankle pants?  If so, I don't get it.  

Document Document Document

Since nothing came of us reporting our awful boss to her boss I have begun my own process of writing down every ridiculous or completely bitchy thing she does that is inappropriate or inflexible or even just mean. Maybe that will help us next time. It is only lunch time. There are already two instances on my list.

My Server Is An Idiot

I have previously detailed the new fun I'm having with work systems. Apparently that's only the first of many battles. This past weekend, our facility migrated all of our systems to the new owner's servers.  This is supposed to help everything at our facility work more efficiently. Also, I suspect, it will make it that much easier to close this building and move our functions to corporate headquarters, but that's a different story.

As you may be able to guess, this server migration is not working that well, and by "not working that well" I mean "not working at all, and possibly depriving me of my right to vote because I might cross state lines to commit a felony on these new servers and their masters". 

Improvement Requested

It would be nice if Texas (specifically the DFW metroplex) were better at:

1. Striping or otherwise identifying lanes on busy roads and sometimes the freeway.

2. Cleaning up roadkill.  I drove past three flattened cats (I think they were cats) on my way downtown today.

Peeves of Yore: Juice. It does a body good. Not really, it'll probably give you the shits.

I got my hairs cut on Tuesday. Every time, prior to my appointment, you would think I just walked into the Emerald City. All ready to be spiffed up and beautified. This feeling lasts all the way through the consultation, wash, scalp massage, rinse, cut, dry and style. Actually, I think it's fair to say I feel this elation until I wake up the next morning and look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea what the hell happened in the 16 hours after my haircut, but it sure as shit doesn't look anywhere close to what it did after I skipped out of the salon in haircut bliss. This is not the first, second, third, or 100th time I have felt like this. Every freaking time! This period of embarrassment with a side of fury and self-loathing typically lasts about 4 days. It's even worse when colleagues and friends come up to you and say, "Wow! Did you get a hair cut?" Yes, shit for brains, I did. While 99.999% of the time, they will say something like, "Oh, yeah! I can tell! It looks...great!" They're lying. What the fuck ever, asshole. We both know it looks like booty. Fuck my life. Well, atleast until Sunday morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Then the whole process will start all over in approximately 6-7 weeks. Awesome.

It is only appropriate to dedicate this edition of PoY to Health and Beauty, right? Ok, then! Alex, I'll take Health & Beauty for $10,000. Oh, and go ahead and throw a Daily Double in there for shits and giggles!

The next time any of you asshole employees try to occupy the quiet rooms to sleep off last nights unofficial "team building event," leading to a walk of shame this morning, is going to get a lovely surprise from Peeved Michelle. A lesson in dumping syndrome - including pictures and a video. Get the fuck out of that room.

Dear Kate the Peon, Never EVER be ashamed of poops, farts, diarrheas, smelly asparagus pees, or anything else that has to do with bathroom exercises. Sharting is just a way of life, it happens to all of us. It's all in your ability to have a lightening fast ass cheek clenching reaction (and a sexy truffle shuffle back to the can). Black licorice or black beans, it will happen to all of us. No need to be an unknown peeve! Loud and proud mama! Loud and effing proud!

Back in high school, when a girl wanted to get out of class for an extended period of time she would simply raise her hand and let the teacher (worked better on males) know; Aunt Flo is in town, It's Maitainance Week, It's Shark Week, TOM's in town, etc... If you're a male, and want to excuse yourself from being in the office, do what Rachel's co-worker did. Let people know you got your balls snipped. That'll shut 'em up, no questions asked!

I wonder if we could invent a bb sized pez dispenser? I think that would be a great option. What do you think, Blaugra?

 

It's That Time Again

I can feel my annual ear infection coming on.

When I combine this with the semi-annual "waistband zit" that makes getting dressed such a treat, I just know the week ahead will be utterly faboo!

Note to Asshole Drivers Everywhere

If I'm in the passing lane doing 80mph, and I'm actively passing people going 65, when you zoom up in your BMW 7-series at 120mph and sit on my back bumper like the road belongs to you, I will stay in the passing lane as long as possible (or until I get bored) just to piss you off.

Supersize Me

I can't find a nice small cell phone like my old Motorola V-66. 

I don't want a touch screen. 

I don't need to play games or surf the internet or watch videos on my cell phone.

I don't have any apps.

I don't want a smart phone or I-phone the size of a paperback.

I want a small phone that fits easily into my pocket that I can use to make the occasional call.  Text message OK but not required.

X-ray vision not needed...

Apparently, I was the last person to know that my shirt is see through. Especially when it rains. It wouldn't be so bad, except Wednesday evenings are dedicated to washing my work bras (aka boring, old, unattractive). Therefore, those who listened to my presentation first thing in the morning, had the pleasure of seeing one of my "sexy bras." Again, it wouldn't be so bad, except it is a black see through mesh number. At least it was a push-up bra, I guess.

Sour Grapes - Rodeo Edition

I have finished my first semester of grad school and wanted to spend this weekend doing a ton of fun things. At the Stockyards here in Fort Worth they have rodeos every Friday and Saturday night. Fun and maybe an opportunity to meet available men, right? Paypal, their payment method, will not accept any of my debit cards. Good thing I didn't want to go anyway. It's probably lame and the whole thing will be full of tourists and buckle bunnies anyway.

Mr Sinatra, Please Pick up the Nearest White Courtesy Phone for a Message

The other day I was on a very long flight and I was too tired to sleep.  Unfortunately, there was no boozy dying gambler to offer me folksy wisdom so I watched the movies instead. 

I saw a movie with Owen Wilson playing a baseball player, Reese Witherspoon playing a softball player, Jack Nicholson playing a guy playing Jack Nicholson, and some guy who looks kind of like Van Wilder.

It was pretty dreary stuff.  I watched Owen Wilson and the Van Wilder guy flounce around as much as Reese flounced around.  I kept trying to imagine Steve McQueen or George Peppard in these roles, and I couldn't do it.  I would much rather watch the Chairman of the Board's clunking performances than see these guys prance and emote.

Just give me the damn scissors.

If it says on something, "NEW! Easy Open Package!" I should know better by now that it will kick my ass that much more and be even more impossible to open.

P to the Motherfucking MS

Man, I have been grumpy for the last few days. I have a bad attitude and I want to take it out on you, or anyone in the vicinity.

I wish I had a sharp object.

A crowded 90-minute public bus ride is no place to bring a big bunch of mylar balloons, including one of those oversized giant ones. I don't care if they say "Happy Mother's Day," I don't want them in my face.