The Peevery

Don't Dooce Me

I want to peeve about a client that is driving me CRAZY but I don't have the energy to figure out how to write about it without revealing my occupation.  And, before you mention it, I'm not even comfortable using AP because I am so paranoid.

I smell burning

I got a bagel for lunch today and stood and watched while my bagel burst into flames in the toaster. I then watched while the bagel lady scraped the scorched parts off of my bagel, buttered it and put it in a bag for me. She gave me extra napkins. I took it (I don't like to waste food) and ate it (bbq'd bagel wasn't bad) but it would have been nice of her to offer me a new one.

34 minutes until I punch "V" in the face

I know this is a very shallow peeve, especially after reading PM's passionate peeve about excessive government spending and federal powers, but here it is. Really, ABC? Did you need to put a HUGE red letter "V" in the bottom right corner of the screen during last night's episode of Lost? Complete with a ticking clock so I could count down how many minutes until V was on??? It's not like V is the Super Bowl. Those crazy promotions for upcoming shows are getting bigger and more intrusive and distracting. Eventually it will be like in Idiocracy where 75% of our screen is advertisement and only 25% is the actual content we want to watch. I read the V books in the '80s and I watched the mini-series with a rad cast including Marc Singer and Robert Englund. I was so excited when they killed Juliet off in Lost but now they put her in the new V so I still have to see her smug face everywhere!!! ABC, I am just about done with you.... 

Paying for Procrastination

For Christmas I got a new computer.  Ordinarily I purchase the most expensive style warranty - the one where if I do something stupid it will still be fixed for me.  My mother did not.  I meant to upgrade my warranty but to do so required me to go to a local staples and bring the computer and I just ran out of time.  Sadly for my own stupidity, yesterday the laptop took a header off a box and now the screen is messed up.  I won't be able to get it fixed until I move...Maybe this means I'll get the last of my stuff done.

Maybe you can chill out a little with your Tea Party hating now that your idol Obama has given you the OK.

Obama, during his interview with Matt Lauer:

Discussing the appeal of the Tea Party movement, Obama was careful to separate the fringe convictions of the so-called birthers — activists convinced that the president is not a native-born U.S. citizen — from the broader discontent on the right over the scale of government and deficit spending.

"There's a part of the Tea Party that actually did exist before I was elected … where there’s some folks who just weren’t sure whether I was born in the United States, whether I was a socialist," he said. "Then I think that there’s a broader circle around that core group of people who are legitimately concerned about the deficit, who are legitimately concerned that the federal government may be taking on too much. And I think those are folks who have legitimate concerns. And my hope is that as we move forward and we’re tackling things like the deficit, imposing a freeze on domestic spending, taking steps that show we are sincere about dealing with our long-term problems, that some of that group will dissipate."

Cooking Help Needed, STAT

My mom and her husband will be here for Easter. The problem is, I've never cooked an Easter dinner. I've never even made a ham. My husband is a great cook, and will help me no doubt, but I'm totally ignorant on what you serve besides ham.

I want to and will cook most everything, because I've really taken to it the last few months. I just need HELP for simple and easy things to make for side dishes.

Is there such thing as a "traditional" Easter dinner?

No More HGTV For Me

My husband left last week for a week of training. I decided it would keep me busy to paint most of the walls in my house. I'm really, really stupid.

I'm sore, have a huge bruise (don't ask me how I got it while painting, I have no idea) and had the brilliant idea of spring cleaning while painting (getting the inches of dust off the top of the kitchen cabinets, taking down all the blinds and cleaning them, etc.)

The next time my husband goes away for any amount of time, I need someone to tell me to NOT tackle ANY projects.

I'll Reserve Judgment Until Then

When I say, "I'll reserve judgment until then," I am lying. The truth is that I have already made my judgment but I plan on keeping my mouth shut until what I know is going to happen comes to pass so that I will seem like a team player instead of a negative know-it-all who always calls people out on their asinine ideas. Go ahead and fail. I won't tell you I told you so.

Bitter Herbs

The passover seder plate in my family includes a little piece of horseradish root, alongside a few thin slices of the root.

How often does one buy horseradish root? This one does not buy it often. Wegmans used to be my go-to source for all Passover goodies. I was able to go to the produce section and buy one little chunk of horseradish root. 

But Wegmans now seems to only serve customers who have quite an appetite for fresh horseradish, because they only have giant horseradish roots the size of horse dongs. 

I couldn't even snap a nugget off of the giant root, so I grabbed a jar of kosher horseradish sauce in a fit of panic. I just realized it's like the horsey sauce that Arby's provides for your roast beef sandwich. Stupid Wegmans. Of course this has nothing to do with my waiting until the last minute. 

Your Delivery Area Bites

I called a pizza place on 53rd Street and asked for a delivery order.  The guy asked where to and I told him, "Forty-ninth Street" on the same cross street.  He said, "Oh, we don't deliver that far."

It's four blocks.

You don't deliver that far?  Maybe this is one of the intricacies of big city living that we rubes are not able to master.

Sounds Of Spring

There's one sure sign of spring around my house, and it is most noticeable in my back yard.  That sign is an audible one.  It's the sound of my neighbor calling for her goddam cat to come in the house.  This generally happens in the afternoon but can happen at any hour, every single day, from late March until Thanksgiving.  "Whitey!  Whitey!  Whitey!  Whitey!!!" can be heard all the live long fucking day.  I don't mind too much, except that I'm half deaf and she's far enough away that if I'm not paying attention I could swear she's yelling "Brian!  Brian!  Brian!  Brian!" and I go half insane trying to figure out why the hell someone I can't see is yelling my name.

Fore!

My husband parked his golf clubs by the window in our bedroom and every time I walk past the room, I jump out of my skin a little thinking that there is someone staring in the window.

Related peeve: My husband parked his golf clubs in our bedroom.

Reach Out and Touch Me, Part 2

The DJ on the radio played this song, and then announced that it was perfomed by a band called:

"Da-patch-ay Mode"

She had never heard of Depeche Mode. I swore at her. Oh, very young.

Reach Out and Touch Me, Part 1

I've said it before and I'll peeve it again. Every time I hear someone say, "Thanks for reaching out" when all I've done is ask a question or said hello, a jolt of pain goes through my neck. Other examples:  "Did you reach out to that department?" Ouch! "I reached out to Matilda and she gave me a copy of her report." Stop reaching. It sounds so desperate.

Peeves of Yore: Biggest Peeve Ever Edition

I've never really gone through The Peevery archives until I started doing POY last week. I was interested in what the Peevers tagged as their "Biggest Peeve Ever." So here goes:

Peeved Michelle pretty much hated everyone and everything. And she was thirsty.

Hazel made everyone throw up a little with a hairy blanket.

Let's hope Joanne has moved, or at least those living in her apartment building are not longer fucktards.

Blaugra kindly let us know her last name is Shitstorm. Ms. Shitstorm if you're nasty.

The Marlboro Man got a stern warning from Nikki.

Reader Peeves

Anonymous has a vacation peeve:

My husband and I normally go on very expensive vacations and we are SICK and TIRED of people, total strangers to be exact, coming up to us at the pool,the bar, over dinner, pretending to meet and greet and after introductions their second questions always is "So where do you work? grrrrrr! oh how I hate it, I just want to say "get out of my face I don't want to know you! " mind you we are a minority couple, 50 something year old,in Academia for several years, and can definitely afford the luxuries that we enjoy. It's like they are only interested in how could we afford such a holiday. Next time we plan to wear T-shirts that say "Go ask your mother"!

Here are some past vacation peeves:

Back from Vacation Peeve Play

Vacation, All I Really Wanted

You Deserve ItIt's not fair! I already bought the tickets!Single & Still Getting Screwed

Memorial Day Weekend (be sure to click on the link at the end)

Have a peeve of your own? Lay it on me. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Dirty Hippie

Why did I buy shampoo with patchouli?  I hate patchouli.

Goodwill Wins!

I was checking out The Salvation Army's page to find out when their donation center was open so I could bring* a few things down tomorrow after work.  I could not find their hours online anywhere, found their site difficult to navigate and ultimately find that I need to call the store to find the hours.  I call and get a busy signal.  In a fit of pique, I look up Goodwill.  Not only is their site easy to navigate, but the exact piece of information I needed was prominent and easy to find.  Suck it Salvation Army!

*Salvation Army will not pick up from my zip code.  That was probably the first sign.

Damn, I'm a Cranky Old Lady.

O Little Co-worker, your life is so hard.  You have major changes to make in tomorrow's schedule!  Heaven forbid you should realize that your changes cause drastic changes to my scheduling as well.  But you will never know it, Snowflake, because I am quietly sucking it up and doing something mysterious called "my job."  And, of course, it is all about you and the Worst! Day! Of! Your! LIFE!

A Trip to the Bathroom Inspired Me

I so totally remembered two more:

1. I have had bloody snot lately. According to the interwebs, that means I have a sinus infection. Awesome.

2. This guy in my workout group always ALWAYS wears a sweatshirt and sweatpants to work out. That's just stupid to start with, but have you ever seen a guy in sweatpants? Whose shirt doesn't cover the crotchal area? I'm tired of seeing a bulge where his old-man penis is poking forward. Skeeves me out.

I Like Lists

1. Outlook or our servers or a combination of the two are down AGAIN, here at the factory. I cannot even count high enough to track all the computer-related issues my team encounters weekly. Our tech guys can suck it. I think they are causing some issues so that when we move off of Outlook later this year, everyone is relieved.

2. The elbow skin on my left elbow is totally dry. The elbow skin on my right elbow is totally smooth but itchy so now I have poked bloody holes in it by scratching so hard.

3. I was all prepared for a healthy dinner at either CPK or PF Changs last night but my friend changed the plans on me and we ended up at Walker Bros Pancake House. Their menu was distinctly lacking in healthy alternatives.

4. I got a really cheap flight to see my bf this weekend but the timing sucks. I am still sort of peeved about that, but perhaps I would be more peeved had I paid the additional $400 to get decent timing.

5. I'm tired of not going on a warm tropical vacation so I have decided to go on one. Alone. Again.

6. There are latent peeves floating in my head that I can't quite remember right now.

TMI

I was awakened in the middle of the night with the feeling that my intestines were trying to escape from my body from the nearest exit.  It felt similar to "the urge to push" whilst birthing.  Remembering how weird I thought it was that Erin poops in the middle of the night, I trudged off to the bathroom. Nothing. Nada. Zip, yet the pressure & pain continued.

So of course I get onto WebMD and self-diagnose this:

Proctalgia Fugax, the abbreviated version:

Proctalgia fugax is defined as sudden, severe pain in the anorectal region lasting several seconds or minutes, and then disappearing completely. The etiology is not well defined.

I've actually had this before, usually at night, (waking from a dead sleep to the feeling like an alien trying to escape from my bum. BTW......20 minutes this time.)

Anyway, I do a little more research and find this one theory that your muscles "back there" cannot eliminate anything smaller than a large olive. So sometimes when whatever it is that detects matter recognizes this small amount, the body tries to eliminate it. OVER AND OVER. To me, it means painful, strong spasms that feel like a knife, a really big knife is being inserted and twisted up my bum.

Of course after 20 minutes of pain, I'm unable to go back to sleep, but at least now I know that my intestines are, in fact, intact.

At least I didn't chase it with a Coke.

For this weird radiology test, I stood in front of a camera while the technician fed me treats.

The first was a little cup of what she described as "really, really tangy pop rocks, without the candy-coating."  The instruction was to swallow them whole, straight.

I thought, I can do this. I've shot more disgusting things, like raw oysters in tabasco sauce and vodka.

So threw back the pop rocks, and they started exploding in my neck and felt like they were searing my throat. And the technician said, "You will feel the need to burp but this is very important - do not burp!"

Are you fucking kidding me? I had a gut full of fizzing pop rocks. Who comes up with these procedures? A couple minutes later she gave me some really nasty (non-carbonated) beverage to chase the pop rocks.

I was bitchy to a stranger

Occasionally, the phone rings twice and then stops ringing. Yesterday, I picked up the phone just after the second ring and said, "Hello." A recording was in progress, but I heard someone say, "Hello," back, then nothing. I said, "Hello," again, heard, "Hello," again, then nothing. I thought maybe it was like that weird thing that happens on the cell phone sometimes where my call doesn't really go through and I just hear an echo of myself. Then I heard, "Hello, are you there?" The whole time the Verizon recording was still going on, so I thought a Verizon operator was trying to talk to me over the recording. I said, "Hello, yes, what?" Then we got into a, "You called me/No I didn't," discussion that was not productive. I chalked it up to a random occurrence and told the lady I was hanging up.

A couple times this morning, the phone rang twice and stopped. The last time, I picked up right after the second ring and said, "Hello." There was a Verizon guy and the same lady from yesterday on the phone. I told the Verizon guy that calls keep going to both of us and explained about yesterday and earlier this morning.

Me: "Verizon, please hold on. Other person on the line, are you still there?"

Lady: "Yes. Are they calling you or are they calling me?"

Me: "Verizon is calling me, but for some reason, they end up calling both of us."

Lady: "But they are calling me first."

Me: "I think you just get to the phone faster. What's your number?"

Lady: "What's YOUR number? I don't give out MY number."

Me: "Why don't you just hang up then so that I can talk to Verizon if you don't want to give me your number so that we can sort this out later."

Lady: "Ok, then."

Yes, I was a little snotty but only because she was snotty first. Also, maybe because I had just cleaned up dog shit from the living room carpet. The dog shit right on the spot where the former's tenants dogs liked to pee and which we had just saturated with Nature's Motherfucking Miracle in an attempt to rid the living room of the stench.

Broken

Thanks to my packing and cleaning I've broken half my fingernails and two of my toenails down to the quick. 

Can I Just Do It In Bed?

Nothing pisses me off more than waking up in the  middle of the night because I have to poop. Not only does it make it hard to fall back asleep, I feel like my body's betrayed me, deviating from my usual post-coffee poop in the morning.

Things that have bothered me this week

• 70 degrees one day, 40 the next.
• Shoes that used to be my favourites now pinch my feet.
• My brand-new gorgeous Calvin Klein trench coat has already lost two buttons.  I've worn it only twice.
• I can't 100% remember everything I did on St. Patrick's Day.
• The minutes I took at a meeting this week are gone.  No idea where they went.  They might be at a bar somewhere in mid-Philadelphia.
• Random dude chatting it up with me on the plane while I was trying to sleep.
• Nose hairs.

Not The Same

I was looking for a classic AC/DC song on iTunes.  I searched by song title and songs with that title came up.  I purchase a song and it downloads.  After it is done, I listen to the song.  It sounds different.  Could it be a different edition of the song I pondered?  No.  It is by AC/dB, an AC/DC tribute band.  I can't get real songs by AC/DC on iTunes, but apparently I can download songs from four different tribute bands.  Something's wrong with that. 

Ask your doctor if Barfinium is right for you

Does every advertisement for a prescription medicine have to contain this sentence?  Why can't the people who write the ads come up with something even slightly different?

If I ever say, "Doctor, is Crudecia right for me?" I hope someone will please punch me in the head.

WAKE UP!

A green left turn arrow is a precious, precious gift in Los Angeles. Pay attention people!

Peeves of Yore: Mid-March Edition

I raised my hand first so Peeved Michelle called on me. I blame the self-help book I'm reading that told me to say "YES!" to everything today. Until PM threatens us all again, I'll be handling the POY duties. YES!

Kate the Peon had a tight ass.

I was bashing curtain rods while still just a reader submitting my grievances.

Nikki was having that "not-so-fresh" feeling.

Hazel was barking mad about her shedding, and wanted you to call her a dog.

Jen14221 was a peanut butter licker. And she didn't enjoy it.

Hopefully I did all of this right. If not, get over it, and go watch some college basketball. Even if you don't like sports, I just heard the commentator say "He was stroking it." It's steamier than a Lifetime movie with Eddie Cibrian.

Wrap That Rascal

I've been taking Mucinex for my cough.  Despite a disgusting commercial, the pills do work. My complaint, the pills are uncoated.  I hadn't realized how spoiled I had been by all the other medicines I take that are coated.

That's Not A Deposit

I went to book the rooms for my Scouts for their end of year party at a local big water park/resort.  We're only booking 1 night.  The rate for 1 night is $360.  The deposit is 1 night's lodging, so basically I'm putting the entire thing on my credit card.  I'm not pleased. 

It's Baaaack...

Every once in awhile, I get a coarse white hair on my cheek, a whisker if you will.  It shows up on my right cheek, I pull it and I'm done for several months.  Today I found one on my left cheek.  The same whisker traveling?  Or a 2nd?  Oh the horror!

ABC can suck it

Last year, on my opinions blog, I posted about my love for THE MIDDLE on ABC. I embedded a little video clip from the pilot, which ABC had on the web site. Just now, while look for another post, I came across this one and discovered that ABC is using the same video URL for something new, so my sweet little post about how I liked their new show has now become a promo for THE BACHELOR, which is just gross.

Ain't No Ditties 'Bout Them Zitties

 
Darn, I was looking for a sad twangy country ditty about blemishes, especially since I couldn't find a rockin funk jam.

New York State of Time

This is the first year since I've been married that I did my own Federal And State tax returns.  It was fairly easy, since I qualified for one of those free e-file services.  My returns were completed, submitted, and acknowledged on February 21st.  My Federal refund was in my account on March 5th.  My New York State tax refund will not be deposited until April 2nd.  That's almost six weeks later!  Exactly why did I e-file again?  Get your shit together, fuckers!  If I mailed my return, I probably would have gotten the refund just in time to do my Christmas shopping.

With any luck New York State will go under this year, and I won't have to pay them any more.

Cheese Meter is through the Roof

If you are a guy and you carry a Louis Vuitton computer bag, you are definitely a tool.

Druggie

It's 2:45 in the morning.  I've taken Tylenol Sleeping Pills, Aleve Cold & Sinus, and my inhaler numerous times.  Yet I still can't sleep, can't breathe and can't stop wheezing and coughing.  This sucks.

I was wrong...

It isn't allergies.  Rockin' a fever so apparently I'm sick.  I don't have time for this crap.

Happy Birthday, Here's Some Gum

I have absolutely no idea what to get my husband for his birthday (April 3).

Cause and Effect

The packing to move to TX is kicking up dust.  
The dust is causing me to wheeze and cough.
The coughing is giving me sexy Kathleen Turner voice.
The wheezing is requiring me to use my inhaler more than usual.
The inhaler is making me light headed and tired.
The light-headedness makes me not want to pack and just nap.
The napping causes me to not finish what I started.

All that is why I'm hiring a maid for my new place.

I'm playing the lottery this week

Coming back to work after a week in Hawaii sucks.

Paging Dr. Laura

After extensive self-diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I have a stomach ulcer. 

I'd like to skip the making of the appointment to get in to see my doctor just to have him tell me he thinks I have a stomach ulcer and prescribe a drug and tests. I would also like to avoid the usual sitting in my doc's office with my notes of conditions and symptoms and questions while the doctor smugly says, "Oh, I see you've been reading THE INTERNET. Well, let's just see if you're right." while paying to hear him say that. 

Sybil

I'm menopausal. With that, I have mood swings of which I have very little control. Everyone around me knows I am menopausal based on the amount of hot flashes that I have to endure.  So why is it that if I'm not perky or otherwise my pleasant, normally-accommodating self that everyone want to know what's wrong?  I'M HORMONAL YOU STUPID FUCKFACE SO GET A LIFE AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Want to do lunch?

Open Mouth, Spill Guts

I am an over-sharer by nature.  Always have been.  It drives my husband crazy and sometimes I do feel like I should just shut the fuck up.

Last night, I was out with some friends and I just talked and talked and talked and said way too much.

I Spy Hypocrisy

So, you are telling me that,

(1) we should legalize all illegal aliens because most of them are just trying to feed their families and that the murderers and drug smugglers are the exception, not the norm,

but you are also saying that,

(2) we should not racially profile people in the search for terrorists because Jihad Jane is a blue-eyed blonde, thereby proving that racial profiling won't work.

If you don't see the hypocrisy there, we can't be friends.

No More Tears

Three out of five days this week I have left the house with crazy red eyes because I got shampoo or conditioner in them. I forgot how to take a shower?

Maybe I'm a Prude

But I find the KY commercials kind of embarrassing. 

I've turned into a monkey!

Driving in my car, I wondered what that smell was. 

In the back seat I found a plastic bag of black banana peels. Lots of them. Then I realized I ate an unusually large bunch of bananas this week.