The Peevery

Only a Teeny Eeeny Bit Country

Apparently because I like Taylor Swift, Jango.com has taken it upon itself to put every country song ever made in my playlist, meaning I have to manually click the 'don't like it - never play this song again' button and move to the next song, a billion times a day.

I like old school country, stuff I know from living in Dakota, and some newer stuff from established artists, but none of this new stuff from peeps I've never even heard of.

More Glambert, more Eminem, more Britney, less actual guitar playing, please!

Turn It Off!

I have just returned from two days in Savannah, which was fun.  The not so fun, as part of the 'ambiance' the hotel piped retro music into the parking lot from 7:00 am to 11:00 pm.  You can totally hear it in the hotel room.

I Can't Take It Anymore!

My father loves crime tv shows, not like Bones although he does love CSI, but like Cops, or like anything on TruTv.  Currently he is watching Real Cops of Broward County (or something like that.)  I've been visiting with my family off and on since Christmas and this is killing me. 

My impression of a Prius driver

"Hey, what's that pedal on the right for?"

Not Smelly, Just Stinky

I figured out right before Christmas that perfume commercials are totally idiotic and useless to a consumer. They all seem to be in black and white, with no dialogue, and it's always a couple running towards each other, ending in an embrace.

What the hell does this have to do with perfume? It doesn't make me want to buy it at all. Now, if Kate Winslet said, "This perfume will make you feel like a hot bitch" I would totally buy it.

Reader Peeves

Have a peeve? Don't lie, you know you do. Send it to me at peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Jamie has a peeve:

this is so stupid and senseless

I had to buy a card for my brother-in-law’s birthday and the wrapping paper I was planning to use for the gift was a robin’s egg blue color, with ribbon in shades of blue and purple. The card I liked had a bright fire-engine-from-the-bowels-of-hell red envelope with it. When a clerk saw me shuffling through the other envelopes looking for one that was blue, purple, white, or otherwise matching for my color scheme (yes, I am that anal), she said “Hey, you can’t do that.” Seriously? The American Greetings people get to choose the color of the envelope I put my card into? Just because THEY say this card gets a red envelope, I have to abide by that?? Maybe they should call the company Communist Greetings instead.

I took a blue envelope anyway. :D

Please note that if you have ever sent me a peeve and I haven't posted it, it's because I forgot, not because I didn't like it. If that happens, just resend it.

Ho-Humbug

I have come to really dislike those displays they have at Christmas Time in most department stores' mens' sections.  These include things like barbecue tongs apron sets, men's "grooming kits" with nail clippers and nail files, book marks that double as reading lamps, and various other items of dubious utility.

The reason I don't like these displays is that while they look nice and cheery for the holiday, ultimately some of their contents wind up with me.  I know I am hard to shop for, and I really don't want anything.  I appreciate the kind thoughts that people want to buy me something, but I wasn't joking when I asked them to make a donation to a charity instead.  I feel bad for sounding ungracious, but I don't need any of the holiday trinkets that come from Macy's men's dept.

Ah, well, I just continue the cycle and send them on to the Salvation Army.  I guess it's all turnabout or karma or whatever you want to call it, because I do have memories of buying my dad similar things such as golf ball monogramming stamps and remote control caddies.

Reader Peeves

Sara has a peeve:

My in-laws Christmas gift to my kids each year are always of a bit off..  This year they got them each a snow suit (jacket and pants set).  We live in New England.. we have already had over a foot of snow... does my MIL not think i don't already have snow suits for each of my kids?  So, i ask my husband to ask his mother if we can return them. He says "Are you sure you want me to do that? You realize if i do she will give me an attitude and never buy them anything again (just gift certificates)"  ARE YOU SERIOUS!  Come on lady.. Maybe I will just make the kids wear two snow suits at once... double warmth right?
 
And a side Peeve for my husband.. since i know he would never be the one to complain about this... my in-laws gave their only child a ski helmet for Chrsitmas... and that is it!  If it were me... i would be seriously peeved but maybe i am just selfish!

Christmas Eve Peeve

I fucking loathe the wrapping of the presents.

Christmas Gift Baskets: Discuss.

Do you like receiving Christmas gift baskets? Not the really good ones full of maple syrup and big yummy sausages, but the ones that have little boxes of peanut brittle, table water crackers, weird flavors of hot chocolate mix, room temperature processed cheese food spread, and lots of hard candies? And the items are all held together with that booger-glue?

You know the first thing you do is paw through the box and make judgments on each item. This is crap, I want that, where's the sausage...

If you're in an office receiving a big shared basket you probably hear the following:

• I'm opening those cheese crackers right now! Nom nom nom
• Isn't there any GOOD chocolate in there?
• Awesome, now I don't have to go to lunch, I'll just eat this peppermint bark!
• I call the basket! I want the basket when it's empty!

My dining room table is covered with gift basket detritus. My husband insists on keeping everything, even the peanut brittle. I know the lame gift basket goodies will just sit around half-eaten until January.

It Was Fun While it Lasted

My wife was recently out of town for several weeks.  Now she is back.  No more running the dish washer for six beer mugs and a fork.  Sheesh.

Killing Me Slowly

I went to the local big box store last evening to start finish my Christmas shopping.  This place is absolutely enormous.  The main aisles are wide enough to fit about eight shopping carts abreast.  This is a good thing for all the old people that live within thirty miles of the store, since they now congregate there and get their exercise by walking up and down the aisles at the speed of continental drift.  Hey, old people!  If California is moving faster than you are, let your kids do your shopping for you!

Malaise

Or, as I like to call it, the boo-fucking-hoos.

• My stomach hurts.
• My head hurts.
• I can't eat.
• I'm not sleeping.
• My bariatric surgeon is moving to New Orleans.  And he appears to have put on about 50 pounds.
• All my grandparents are dead.
• I'm old.
• I'm mad at my husband.
• My kid wet the bed last night.

Poor me!

Sorry for interrupting

No matter when I go or what cashier I get at Trader Joe's, he/she almost always continues to flirt with the guy/girl bagging the groceries without acknowledging my presence. They begin ringing up and bagging my purchases without so much as a hello and it drives me nuts. Especially when they stop bagging my groceries to gently smack each other and give each other flirtatious shit. It's like High School Musical in there. Or at least what I imagine High School Musical to be like since I haven't actually seen it.

Rhetorical Question

Why make plans with someone if you are going to flake?  It is starting to annoy me more lately.

Green

I do not like green peppers. They do not taste good to me.

I Will Hungrily Stab Them

Two of my most annoying coworkers have been having a conversation for the past 30 minutes about appetizers. He apparently wanted suggestions and is then shooting down everything she suggests.

Shrimp? No.

Bacon-wrapped lil smokies, covered in brown sugar? No.

Tomato-mozzarella-chicken skewers? No.

Stromboli? No.

I can hear just enough of the conversation to piss me off and make me want some of everything mentioned.

You're Pregnant, Not Miraculous

I am going to have to hide a billion FB friends who are pregnant, because I am tired of the special treatment they think they should receive just because they had unprotected sex.

The latest example:

They need to make a sign to put on the back of cars in winter for preggo women that say "Hey! Back up 100 feet! I'm 9 months pregnant in here!"

Right, because us non-incubating peeps aren't at risk of getting hit at all by the tailgating jackasses of the world.

 

Overall Life Suckage

The main present I bought for my brother-in-law (after much anguish and internal debate and analysis paralysis because, hello, do you not know me at all?) is scheduled for delivery by 7pm on the 23rd.

I ordered it on the 16th. And I am planning on being an hour away from here by 7pm on the 23rd.

Peeve on me for waiting too long to order something, peeve on me for having it sent to my house, peeve on the company for taking so long, peeve peeve peeve.

Hippie Party FAIL!

So my hippie coworker who sent out the info on our annual potluck caused all sorts of party fail to occur. 

1. Despite the email, nobody brought their own plates/silverware.  Bossman went and bought it at the last minute.
2. The spend nothing on gifts aspect of the gift exchange elicited three different responses -
   1. People who literally spent nothing and just threw crap into a bag
   2. People who spent the $10 limit we had last year and ignored the spend nothing rule
   3. People, like me, who had something semi-decent that they got for free and gave that out.
3. The food wasn't well organized so we had a lot of random and assorted crap but then like no beverages.
   1. 2 different chips and dip/salsa
   2. 2 different breads
   3. Little to no protein
4. She is so not allowed to plan this next year. 

"Silence! I kill you!"

I can't stand Jeff Dunham. First, because he's a ventriloquist, an art I find as entertaining as a candle making marathon.  And second, because he's not funny.

I despise all of his characters including his most popular, Achmed the Dead Terrorist. Another appearance by him in my area was just announced, causing dumbasses to jump for joy. I just don't get it.

* The title is a quote from Achmed the Dead Terrorist that always gets a big laugh. Ha. Ha.

Peeves of Yore: Scrooge Edition

Shocking, I know, to have forgotten PoY AGAIN. I think it's because I left work early Friday, making it not seem like Friday, and came home and napped. Or maybe it's just because I'm a hateful, spiteful person. You bet the judge.

Tis the holiday season, but to us Peevers, that just adds fuel to the peevery fire.

Blaugra claimed this rant allowed her to be joyful, but I have my doubts, and so should you, Readers.

Joanne wanted Dick, and apparently only Dick..as evidenced by her hatred of Seacrest and - AND! - the Rege & Kelly.

Erin discovered a newfound interest in gardening. I don't think Santa got the memo.

Nikki's coworkers hated her, which I bet led to Nikki hating stickers.

Blaugra admitted to being a spaz. Too easy?

One new furnace later and my wish was granted.

And one more, because the title contains two of my favorite things...

It Broke!

I was just wearing these old Adidas soccer player* shoes that I've owned for years.  They're workhorses, I've been wearing them for like 7 or 8 years.  I was stepping on those large water jugs (I don't drink water, why would I have these?) and as I pulled my foot back it was barefoot.  The shoe finally broke.  Bye bye little soccer shoes.

*You know those shoes the soccer players wear with socks?  Like flip flops but different. 

That's Not What I Want

This morning I took some hamburger out of the freezer thinking I would have sloppy joes for dinner tonight.  Just now I looked at the hamburger and thought, 'I totally don't want this for dinner tonight.'  I hate it when I do that.  Think I will make shephard's pie instead.

I may be a racist. Or at the very least, a xenophobe.

Preface: Is this the first post on The Peevery to feature the use of the word "xenophobe?"

The reason I do not like driving in snow is not because of the snow, or my car, or my snow-driving skills.

The reason I do not like driving in snow is because of all the inexperienced snow-drivers on the roads. The people who drive too slowly or too wrecklessly, the drivers who have never experienced snow because they are recent immigrants from somewhere closer to the equator than I am. The people who may be very smart but when it comes to steering a car in the snow are completely inept. These drivers scare the shit out of me.

Alright, I will concede with those who like to pretend there aren't differences between various cultures in the U.S. that even people whose families have lived in the snow-states of the country for centuries can also drive poorly in the snow, particularly when using a cell phone. That's just not the trend I have observed in my neighborhood.  Even old men wearing hats and teenagers in their first cars seem to be better winter drivers than warm-climate folks.

What Kind of Idiot...

Thinks, 'oh I'll go to the Student Center for lunch and have a salad,' even though they close down for the holiday starting at 1:45 today and are probably trying to get rid of the last of stuff?

This kind of idiot.  My lunch was distinctly not good.

Total Waste of Time

I really hate the annual performance appraisal at work because I think it is a useless waste of time.  For example, there is an evaluator who writes the same type of comment on every assessment, something along the lines of,  “Joe should enhance communication skills to make sure he understands the task and intent at the outset of a project.”
 
Now, if you are writing that on all the evaluations you prepare, mightn’t it hint at the need for better communication skills on your end?  I mean if you ask someone to make you a sandwich, and leave it at that, then you can’t complain that you wanted a BLT when you wind up with a grilled cheese.

Zappos

The service at Zappos.com is really so stellar that it makes ordering from other online companies a pain in the ass. The fact that they can provide free overnight shipping, free returns and very polite service makes me wonder why the hell other companies can't step it up and perform just as well.

Amazon charges $79.95 (including shipping) for the same exact pair of shoes that Zappos charges $47.95 (including shipping) for. I realize that Amazon's core competency is not shoes but come on, that's ridiculous.

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Even if you do not deliberately listen to Christmas music, you're subjected to it at the grocery store, department store, drug store, in the speakers stuck in the trees on the street.  And it's all the same songs. Time for a poll!

Are You Listening Scott Tissue?

Exactly twice this morning, I chanced it with the end of the toilet paper roll in each bathroom. One roll provided me enough for a wipe, the other faked me out, and I had to do the ass scoot to the cabinet to get a new roll.

It would be great if toilet paper told you, "You have exactly 10 shit tickets left until you need to change the roll - good for one butt wipe."

Sleep FAIL

My internal clock must be a lot more in tune than Cosmo Kramer's, because I've woken up exactly ONE minute before my alarm clock goes off two days in a row. If you're running a marathon soon, let me know, I'll set my body clock.

Unrelated Backlog

1. I can't seem to get the skin on my nose to stop peeling.

2. I haven't begun Christmas shopping yet. That leads to other peeves but you can probably figure those out yourselves.

3. I have my year-end review tomorrow and need to spend tonight working on hiding my aggravation with my boss.

4. My brother-in-law has not responded to either of the two emails I sent him this week regarding what I want to get my sister for Christmas. I will make sure she opens mine first so if he gets a similar item, he will look like the copycat.

5. My house is a mess.

6. I just ate dinner - massive amounts of veggies & pasta - and WW ice cream for dessert - and I'm still starving.

7. I have been spending money like it's water, and have I mentioned I haven't even done Christmas shopping yet?

Grrrrr.

Minty Not-So-Fresh

Pro:  Gift basket full of holiday candy!

Con: The candy canes have tainted the chocolate.  Now everything tastes minty.  Mint-scented caramel and cappucino truffles are very, very wrong. 

A little decorum, please.

I had two companies to call today to get price quotes for a product I am considering for work.

Fine, so I had to leave a voicemail with the first company. Not too big of a deal, though I am wondering why a real person can't answer the phone at 9:30 AM PST. I wasn't even routed through phone menus, just sent straight to voicemail from the main line.

A real person did answer the phone at the second company, but I don't think that, "Hi, this is Jeff," is really the best way to answer the number that is the main number for you company and featured prominently on your web site.

Business FAIL.

Neighborly Advice

Dear Putzy Neighbor:

This is your passive-aggressive girl next door. When I'm in my kitchen, standing at the sink at 7:00 am in a half-awake state, wearing jammies and a drool-encrusted face and hair styled like a giant onion, I don't like to see your cheerful face. I just don't. I like to look outside at the tree and drink a glass of water. I have a valance curtain and a window box but I can still see out and apparently you can see me. A big wave and smile at that time of day as you walk by my window and turn to stare isn't necessary. Just keep walking.

Sincerely,

Your Always Irritated Unfriendly Neighbor

I've Done All I Can!

There comes a point where a person has to take a certain amount of responsibility for themselves.  I can only help so much.  I have called everyone I can call.  I have tried every avenue available to me.  The bottom line is that you did not bring this to my attention prior to now and now it is a goddamn clusterfuck.  Bothering my boss and your boss will not make these facts change.  I can't fix this just because you have a deadline.  You were sent to collections in JULY.  It is now DECEMBER.  I'm doing the best I can, but get off my goddamn ass.  

Late Night Sexting

The following is a recreation of some texts between me and a male coworker late last night.

Coworker: Are you still awake?

Me: Yes, why?

Coworker: Do you remember the solution to # 43?

Me: Um, I think it's 95 degrees, but I'm not sure.

Coworker: Good, that's the answer I got. I'll explain tomorrow; it's actually really simple.

Me: Cool. I love isosceles trapezoids!

Yes, people. I live a life of unapologetic sexiness and adventure.

No brainer peeve

The post office 8 days before Christmas. Enough said.

In A Dorm There Are Quiet Hours

I'm not sure who has moved in across the hall from me, but they are not quiet.  All night long there was loud talking and giggling and slam of their door opening and shutting.  It was like I was back in college except in Wick I could call the RA if there was a problem. 

Old Navy Commercials

Really, what more can I say? I don't know a single human who has ever liked or appreciated any Old Navy commercial ever made. In what remote country do those mannequin commercials test well with audiences? And no matter what different strategy Old Navy tries, year after year, their commercials are always terrible, annoying and ineffective. Boooooo!

Touch of Gray

All my life, I have hated my hair, which is thick, yet baby-fine and stick-straight.  Now that I've turned 40 and am starting to go gray, I'm amazed that as the gray hairs come in, they are luxuriant, thick, and wavy.  They look great by themselves, but quite ridiculous against the rest of my limp tresses. 

Other people pull out the grays.  I think I'll start pulling out the browns.

Cover Your Eyes! I'm Hideous!

Okay, so this is what I normally look like:

 
Relatively pleasant looking, not too offensive.  Would not scare small children.  Right? 
 
Well, this is what I've looked like for the last three days.  Allergic to something?  Most definitely.  Specific allergy?  Not sure.

 
   
I was afraid to leave my house on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Sadly, I had to go to work this morning and I AM STILL PINK AND PUFFY.  And not in a good way.
 

Reader Peeves

Have peeves? Don't lie. You know you do. Send them to me. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Julie has some peeves:

Peeve the first:
Our house is for sale.  Several weeks back, a realtor called wanting to show the house at 1:00 p.m. on a Sunday.  It meant we had to push naptime back, but no worries.  Realtor then calls at 12:50 and says they'll be coming at 3:30 instead, which means naptime becomes a race - get toddler in bed ASAP so he's not a cranky brat when we have to wake him up early.  We wait until the last possible minute, get toddler up and ready to leave the house, and then the stupid realtor calls again - AT 3:30 - saying they couldn't make it at all.  If she would have called 20 minutes earlier, toddler wouldn't have had his nap cut short and I wouldn't be a cranky brat.

Peeve the second:
I go out to lunch with some friends and their kids at a local "seat-yourself" place. There are 5 adults and 4 kids in our group.  We are in line behind one other person, a woman eating by herself.  Tables available include one for 8 people, next to one for 4 people, then another 4 and a 2 elsewhere in the restaurant.  So where does the single woman sit?  At the table for 8.  On the end closest to the table for 4.  So not only can we not take the two large tables next to each other, we can't even pull part of the large table over.  So what did we do?  We placed the 4 rowdy children at the table for 4 right next to her, by themselves :)

Peeve the third:
I have a couple of facebook friends who always manage to take things I post and turn them into controversy.  Last month, a statement that I was getting my swine flu vax turned into a 20-comment debate on the risks and merits of vaccines in general.  Today, I posted that my OB thinks I'm not gaining weight fast enough for how far along in my pregnancy I am.  The first 5 or so comments were lighthearted suggestions that I increase my intake of brownies, ice cream, burritos, and other fatty foods.  And then. One person made a comment about how ridiculous that was and I needed to find a new doctor because mine was sketchy, which turned into a debate about OBs and pregnancy weight gain.  /headdesk

Teeny Teef

Our new ten-week-old kitten, Purrvis, is an adorable little miracle wrapped in fur.  However, I will be exceedingly grateful when his adult teeth come in and he stops trying to use my fingers as a chew toy. 

Does This Look Edible, Honey?

It's been five days since my husband returned from overseas, so it's kind of hard to find anything to be peeved about. Everything is sunshine and kittens.

BUT, since he's been home,I've been tapping into my domestic side again, and cooking real meals instead of hitting the buttons on the microwave. That said, I've been using the Deen brothers cookbook (Paula's sons) and have a hard time cooking anything without the picture of what it's supposed to look like when all is said and done. I'm a sucky cook as it is, and without a picture on every recipe, I'm flying blind.

Gee, my hair smells terrific!

I don't wash my hair every day.

Therefore, my hair smells like my mother-in-law's kitchen last evening: fried potato pancake grease and vapors. 

And, therefore, my hair smells DELICIOUS and I want to eat it.

Hot Box

I have peeved before about the heat at work, but there's a new wrinkle thrown in that's really unpleasant.  The bathroom has a GIANT heater duct in the ceiling, and it blows directly into the stalls.  So when I go in there to do my business, the heat is overwhelming.  Combined with the other more familiar elements of a bathroom frequented by about fifty other guys, it's almost unbearable.  One of these days I fear the place in just going to spontanoeusly burst into flames. 

Peevers' Gift Guide! Presented by Peeves of Yore

During this season of  light, Peevers love to give you our best.  

But we also like to receive.  So I have selected the perfect present for each Peever: 

* A pair of 5" platform boots will be under Erin's tree.

 

* Joanne could use some new unmentionables.  But NOTHING with velcro! 

* Two-time mama Peeved Michelle deserves a big day at the spa.

* Kate the Peon deserves a new job for the new year, and we need her to do it: TV Network Programmer.

* Amy's big surprise is a lifetime supply of SPF 30 sunscreen!

* Hazel and Nikita will each be given her own, much needed, personal laundry assistant.

* Look to the skies, Jen14221, because that's not Santa's sleigh up there, it's your own private plane!

* Karla Kay will be guaranteed a front-row seat at the fabulous Moscow Cat Circus!

* Red will receive the most priceless gift of all: a moment of silence(or two!)

* Young Max (referring to the amount of time he has been peeving, not to his chronological age) will be granted a handsome close shave with some awesome shaving cream purchased at Neiman-Marcus, because, screw Target! 

* And for me, I'll just meet this little guy on a little Caribbean island.

Well, actually, being asked to sub for Kate the Peon this week is enough of a present for me. Yeah, right. 

 

Uncle! I Am a Wimp

I will cop to being a wuss.  However, for years now I have been trying to make my wife understand that using the heater in the house is not a character flaw.  OK, so I'm not as tough as she is, but when it is 50 degrees inside, and warmer outside, it's not a cozy bear den.  I don't like to have to wear many layers to stave off frost bite when I am in the house.

I'm not sure whether to press the "like" button or not.

Ripped from my Facebook page, this sidebar ad:

Scholarships for Moms

 

 

Like

Unlike

You're not sure whether to like or unlike

 

 

How is this targeted? Moms, get a scholarship and go to school so you can get away from your deadbeat hippie husband who may be a serial killer on the lam?