The Peevery

Reader Peeves

You guys aren't going to believe this.

My MOM has a peeve:

You know what sucks?

When you overdo your makeup for Halloween (that's as far as I go for dressing up) with very black eye liner (blackest black fron Avon), line your lips with black eyeliner and you get comments on how nice you look. Happens every year! WTF! Do I really look like shit the rest of the time? Oh and how do people still have eyelashes left after trying to get that eyeliner off? 

Max has a peeve:

The phrase "...wait for it..." really should be retired.

Do you have a peeve? Send it in. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Peeves of Yore: Love Thy In-laws Edition

What? You expected a Halloween post? Fooled you!

This is the first-ever reader-suggested themed PoY. Thanks to Robin for the suggestion!

As usual, the Unknown Peever doesn't mince words.

Peeved Michelle had a case of the forgetfuls, but as usual, covered it with grace and ease. And candles.

Blaugra continued her quest to out-bitter me. I think she's gaining ground, folks.

Reader Julie chose her new baby over a turkey her mother-in-law. It's like Sophie's Choice, 2008 edition.

Erin proved she was totally brave by asking if she was totally stupid.

Oops! They Did It Again!

Kate the Peon and I both have independently peeved about the movie The Prince and Me 2: A Royal Wedding.  It was awful.  Thanks to being home sick for two days, I've now seen the commercial for Prince and Me 3: Haunted Honeymoon (or holy honeymoon, or howveryawful honeymoon or according to IMDB A Royal Honeymoon) a billion times.  It does not look good.  They kept the bad Julia Stiles replacement, but found a new prince. 

Next Time It's Papa John's

I always order online from Domino's, because I'm enthralled with watching my order status, and I also like to greet my delivery driver by name. My life is pretty boring.

When I submitted my order tonight, it said it could not be processed, and to call the store. Yeah right, like I'm going to talk to a real person. So I tried it three more times - no success. Then the phone rang - it was Domino's, wondering what was going on.

Their credit card machine was apparently going crazy, spitting out voided slips, even though I got charged for it. I finally got my order done (over the phone, sigh) and really, really hope Domino's puts that $80 I didn't spend back in my account.

Goodbye To You!

I just resigned from a volunteer board position mid-term.  The organization is going through major changes and I was honest enough to say that I wasn't the right person for the job.  Plus, it had become a major time suck and brain drain. Not even worth the resume meat.  Not even for a worthy cause.

When I first told the director I was considering resigning from my position, she begged me to wait until October. So I did my job and tried to make it work. It didn't work, and I gave written notice of my resignation. Four weeks notice.

Meanwhile, there was some shit to do before I left, not the least of which was working with my successor (since I had a leadership position.)  Alas, nobody wants my job. Nobody wants to meet with me. Nobody responds when I ask if they need help with addressing the issues during my last two weeks.

When I asked why nobody wanted to talk about it, the response was, "We didn't respond because we just hoped you would just change your mind." 

Well, that's a great way to manage. Just run on hopes and dreams and sweet clouds of pixie dust. 

I obviously made the right decision.

Sidewalk Hazards

I was walking slowly on the slippery leaf-covered sidewalk, wearing high heeled booties, trying not to fall on my ass. A male university student walked directly behind me while shouting into his phone. These are the exact words that came out of his mouth:

"Duuude, I got sooo wrecked last night. I woke up at 3 am with some guy's nuts on my face! It was an epic blackout. EPIC."

I had two simultaneous thoughts. 1) This is hysterical! I hope I don't laugh so hard that I'd slip on leaves and fall on my ass, and 2) I really hope he's not a pre-med student.

Unfortunate Discovery

The sweater I am wearing looks really cute from the front and pretty terrible from the back, which I just discovered in the restroom at work.

Hebetudinous Morningtide

Two nights ago, I went to bed at 9 pm and didn't get up until after 7 am. I was practically falling asleep on my way to work and was an hour late. Last night, I didn't get to bed until nearly 2 am. I woke up at 6:30 am, was chipper as a cheerleader on the way to work, and made it on time. Wtf?

Laid Off

Peeved Husband got laid off today. It wasn't exactly a surprise. His dickhole bosses aren't the masters of subtlety they think they are, so we were expecting this was in the works. We have a couple back-up plans and I actually make more money anyway, so we'll be fine. The thing I am most upset about is that I never got to play my superiority act with his chickenshit bosses.

When I am done with someone - I mean DONE - I pull my superiority act on them. It is petty and mean and absolutely effective. I simply regard the person as if he is not worth my time because I am so much better than he is and so much smarter that even trying to explain the simplest of things to him isn't worth the effort. It's surprisingly easy to do.

I was really looking forward to treating my husband's shit-for-brains bosses to this extra special side of me and now I will never get the chance.

Debbie Downer

I am not a big fan of wearing costumes so Halloween is always a very stressful holiday for me. I just don't like it and I hate when people make me feel like a killjoy because I don't dress up.

Unbelievable

I was at Joann Fabrics yesterday and besides the obvious peeves (1,000 people frantically looking for feather boas and faux fur to throw together a Halloween costume), I was completely dumbfounded by the inanity of the staff who work there.

It was very busy in the store and the line was about 20 people deep. About 5 people behind me, a woman fainted. Just dropped to the ground, passed out cold. She regained conciousness rather quickly and was embarrassed, claiming she hadn't eaten anything all day. The women around her asked the cashiers loudly and politely for some water, letting them know that one of their customers had fainted.

One of the cashiers shouted, "Well, someone will have to buy her some water. There's a cooler over there.". WTF?

Commencing boring lunch in 3...2...1...

I finished my lastest book on the Kindle last night. I haven't bought the next book I'm planning to read yet, so I left the Kindle at home. So dumb. Half the point of the Kindle is that you can buy books wirelessly from Amazon. It takes like 20 seconds from start to finish. Now what am I going to do at lunch time? Talk to someone?

Related: The Kindle is my husband's and I do love it, but now I am thinking maybe I need a Nook.

I said no bullets!

Microsoft Word is trying to kill me very slowly today.Why does the application always want to jack up my styles? It seems like every time I create a document the styles have suddenly changed and they have new behaviour.

Too Bad It's Not the Plague

My coworkers are all, "Oh man, I was so sick. It was like the flu. I had a fever for a few days and I was all achy, with a sore throat." Then, they add this, "I don't know what it was, but it was that thing that is going around that everyone is getting."

It was the swine flu, you morons.

Is It Really Worth It?

I have a cool new coffee maker with a built-in bean grinder and program mode that allows me to have coffee from freshly-ground beans when I get up in the morning.  So far, I've had hot water in the morning, coffee ready to drink at 6 pm and coffee all over my kitchen. 

Really Looking Forward to Thanksgiving.

Two weeks ago, a family member "Betty" called to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner. I would have liked to say "no" but I didn't have an excuse.  How do you say, "Can I get back to you on that?  I might have a better offer." 

Betty always asks as early as possible so nobody can say "no."  Next, Betty invites "Fred," another family member. Fred's an asshole who has hurt me. I don't want to break bread with Fred.

My Blackberry Gave Me The Runs

Thanks a lot, Blackberry, for finally sending me the text from my friend inviting me to dinner SIX hours after she sent it. It might have saved me from three hours of massive diarrhea after eating a microwave meal that obviously didn't agree with my weak bowels.

Inconsiderate Fucks

There is a right way and a wrong way to move into an apartment building with only one elevator. 

The RIGHT way:

Move boxes down hall to elevator door.
Wait for elevator and load boxes into it.
Go to floor.
Move boxes into hallway immediately in front of elevator and release elevator for others.
Move boxes into truck.

The INCONSIDERATE FUCK method:

Leave boxes in elevator.
Use one box to hold elevator door open.
Go to truck.
Do rearranging in truck.
Spend approximately 15 minutes doing so.
Get pissy when angel of mercy* points out that others need elevator too.
Remove boxes from elevator.

Shaddap, Cat

I never sleep well when Tiny Husband is out of town.  Neither does the Psycho Burmese, who has lived with him longer than I have and lets me know in no uncertain terms that I am still "the other woman."  She wanders the hallway yelling for Daddy, who won't be home until Saturday.

Does anybody have a good source for kitty ball gags?

Peeves of Yore: Comment Whore Edition

Besides the obvious fun of publicizing the craziness that we encounter, half the fun of Peeving is reading the comments people leave. Some of ya'll are crazier drunker than we are. Some posts get no comments and that can be disappointing, but understood, as sometimes the peeve gets buried, and sometimes there's just really no good way to tell Jen14221 to put the WINE GLASS DOWN. Again.

Here's a smattering of Peeves that attracted a wealth of comments, funny, weird, or just plain touching in nature. 

Joanne's post prompted a few girls to fess up to their bad girl ways. Carry on, sisters!

Was it the reader peeve, Michelle's bonus peeve, or the use of the word 'vagina' that got so many comments? You be the judge.

How many people have Googled the phrase, "uterus of steel?" These comments are funny, peeps (not to be confused with the peeps in the above post). LOVE!

Blaugra alienated friends and won over Peevers.

I've never met Amy, but I'm guessing her eyes aren't the same cerulean blue as the Pacific ocean. 

Poop etiquette...introducing new phrases to the world at large, one peeve at a time.

Boobs! Always an interesting topic. No pictures, though, perves.

Wuss!

As part of my job, I check on the status of leaves of absence.  I've twice called a physician because I had heard a rumor that an employee would not be fit to work when the doctor originally stated.   The message I have left is: "Hi this is Joanne from xyz benefits office.  I've heard EmployeeA may not be able to return as you previously indicated.  If this is the case we will need a new note and it can be faxed to blahblahblah.  I can be reached at blahblahblee.  Please give me a call to talk about the status."  I've called this physician twice in two months.  He has never responded to me at all.  Apparently I am harassing him and questioning his competence.  (Which I heard from my boss today.  Nice.)

I should clarify... my boss doesn't think I'm harassing the guy.  He just was told by another department that I was.

Lists

I have no idea how my work email ended up on so many different mailing lists, but I'm starting to get annoyed by the no fewer than 20 emails per day that are just junk mail.  Similar to Red's flies, I can opt out of 5 'newsletters' a day and yet somehow 5 new ones take their place.

Abs of Steel

Death cough and cold combine to give me the latest Abs of Steel workout.  By the time this cold runs its natural course, I should have a six-pack (well, somewhere under the keg, maybe).

Flies Of Steel

There are five flies that hover daily under my living room's ceiling fan.  They've been there for about two weeks.  A couple days ago I killed two of them, but the next day there were five flies just the same.  I think that my wife and I have killed about ten flies overall, but there's still this group of FIVE FLIES that's alway there.  This happens every year, and once we get a couple sub-freezing days they'll go away, but it's still kinda freaking me out.

Crying You A River, Monthly Style

I cried while reading the whole second half of the book "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks. I cry once, twice a year at most. I wrote my husband an email later that day, and cried. He sent me a response, and I cried. Tim McGraw sang on the Today Show - I cried.

I was really pissed when I figured out why the waterworks are turned on. PM-fucking-S. (And I've had one cramp in my life-that's why I'm so pissy.)

I need my red curry chicken!!!

I'd been craving my favorite Thai food, Siamese Basil in Encinitas. I planned to meet my friend for dinner. Then she texted me that they are CLOSED and will be CLOSED for the next four Tuesdays. There was just a sign on the front window, no reason given. WHYYYYYYY? We ate at the place next door, but my heart is still weeping.

You Are Too Dumb to Work Here

I hate when I am in a meeting in which there is one person who kind of gets it but not really and derails the entire discussion with questions that end up confusing everyone for a few minutes until the person finally gets it and then everyone else is all, "That's what we said in the first place."

Dry Dream

I was having a very salacious dream where I was making out with Jesse Metcalfe, and about to move on to second base, when I woke up. Nothing woke me up, I just opened my eyes and couldn't recapture the dream.  

Las Vegas Cough

It is like Kennel Cough, although not contagious.  Caused by spending 2.5 days breathing in smoke at Vegas Casinos.  See also: Hacking.

New Targets Suck!

I never thought I would utter those words.

My newish Target is set up very confusingly, with the women's clothes on the left instead of the right (which is just dumb from a merchandising point of view, you should hook the prime female shopper to go right and buy the clothes.) 

The clothing department is picked over, like a bunny who has just been ravaged by hawks. The only available size of anything I want is Extra-Small. Yeah, right.  And where are the basic black leggings?  They offer snakeskin print, tye-dye, blue - all in XS of course - and no black.  Preposterous. The pajama selection sucks, too. 

I would tolerate the newish Target had it just opened, but it's been there a few months and every visit is like this, very depressing.  Boo hoo.

And also, I hate forgetting.

I forgot that I am under contractual obligation to provide you fine readers with priceless, painful, punny, peevish posts.

I also forgot to deposit my paycheck, to mail that birthday card, to throw away the rotten lettuce on trash day, that meeting thing I had RSVP'd to attend, and my best friend's wedding anniversary.

I Hate Forgetting

This morning, I had to wake up the toddler early and drag her to daycare* so that I could drop off formula for the baby because I forgot to bring more formula EVERY DAY LAST WEEK.

This morning, when I was looking for the husband's raincoat for him, I found my raincoat. Not the the 13-year-old raincoat I wore last week when it rained, but a new, stylish one that I obviously purchased sometime within the last few years and completely forgot I owned.

*Toddler is staying home with me today because she has an eye infection and can't go to daycare. Baby is at daycare because I actually have to get some work done while I am at home.

Baby's Got Sauce

Do you know what happens when your wife doesn't rinse the spaghetti sauce out the sauce pan before placing it into the dishwasher?  All of your nice new plastic baby bottles turn orange and it makes the formula contained therein look pretty sick.  Seriously, I'm going to have to buy new bottles, because these look like crap now.   

Do I Look Like I Care?

I will usually chat with cashiers if they acknowledge my existence. Yesterday, though, I had the unfortunate experience of having a girl who wanted to tell me her life story, to include her two-year-old daughter who hits herself in the face. Who tells strangers that shit?

Peeves of Yore: Work Can Suck It

One of my favorite things about The Peevery is the Unknown Peever. I love the ability to anonymously bitch about something or someone. Most often the UP is used to front work-related peeves. (Shout-out to Dooce for learning the lesson for us. Virtual fist bump!) So since it's Friday, let's all give a big anonymous "SUCK IT" to this thing called "work."

The Unknown Peever showed a very unsportsmanlike attitude. Attagirl/boy.

Another - or the same - UP was an ungrateful bitch or bastard.

I posted this as a UP b/c I am paranoid of losing my job over shit like this, but that paranoia is decreasing by the day.

The UP foolishly jinxed his/herself by declaring work to be awesome. This is called Murphy's Law, UP.

I really wish I could claim this UP post, but alas, I cannot. However, this is indicative of most of my inner thought bubbles during the workday.

The UP and hubby had a near-death experience. I bet that would have pissed them off.

Last, the UP proves to us all that s/he is much smarter than the average disgruntled employee.

By Proxy

A co-worker of mine just peeved to me:

"You know what's awesome? When you record a baseball game and your wife calls you before you get home from work to tell you the final score."

Shitty, dude.

Last Minute

It totally annoys the crap out of me when people come in to sign up for benefits with the following statement:  "I am going to the doctor today" or "I need a prescription today."  This is especially annoying when they have been on campus for the past three or four weeks and need this done RIGHT NOW.  The prescription process alone takes a minimum of 24 hours. 

Making it Worse

I somehow got something on my shirt when I got to work this morning.  I used my Tide Pen to get it out.  When I looked down later I see that the Tide Pen has left a circle of discoloration around the stain.  So I tried again. Bigger circle.  Apparently I'm going to have to go downstairs and use the sink.

Auto Recover This

Suck it, Visio. Suck it, suck it, suck it.

Weather Forecast for Tonight: Dark.

Autumn is here and soon it will be winter.  I despise having to wake up in the dark each morning.  I hate that soon it will be dark when I leave the office in the early evening.  Darkness saps my energy and makes me want to stay in the house with blankets over my head.  I can't even muster the will to do dishes or fold laundry or do anything other than huddle on the couch when I arrive home in the dark.  The end of Daylight Savings Time can suck it.

Reader Peeves

Have a peeve? SEND IT. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Anonymous has a work peeve:

Dear Boss:

• In no circumstance is the phrase "thank you" hyphenated. Never. Not ever.

• No amount of team building activities will help this team accept that you rehired the bitch you fired three years ago for having affairs with customers, bringing daily personal drama to work and generally treating every single employee like shit.

• No, I will not give a "nice, upbeat introduction" to said bitch at the next staff meeting.

Thank-you!

You Might See Me on the Dr. Phil Show on Wednesday

Awhile back, I was in the studio audience on the Dr. Phil Show. It is about stay-at-home moms vs. working moms. One stay-at-home mom said that if you can't stay home with your kids, you shouldn't have them.

If you watch Wednesday's show, you may see me in the audience. I sat in "the pit" in the Working Moms section. I was in the second to last row in that section, wearing a green shirt, sitting next to my sister who was wearing a brown shirt and tweed jacket. We both have wavy hair; mine is dark brown and hers is light brown.

Watch for me. I will post more about the show on my opinions blog tomorrow night.

Awwww

The AT&T commercial where the guy helps the little girl find her dog just made me cry. PMS is a bitch.

Peeves From The Hospital, Question Style

As you all may or may not know, my wife gave birth to our son, Brendan William, last Thursday morning.  This was a completely joyous occasion, but it was not without some small peeves:

• What kind of fucktard drives 16 mph on a city street at 5:30 am on a Thursday with no traffic around?  Drunk, old, or stupid, I would guess.  Thankfully, this idiot - female, as it turned out - moved over to let me continue my race to the hospital before my wife decapitated her.

• Why does the elevator in the 6 story parking garage at the hospital only go to the fifth floor?  Of course you know where I had to park.

• Is it really necessary to leave the placenta out in full view in the birthing room when lay people - like me - are in there?  Isn't there a freaking cover for that basin, or could someone at least put a towel over it and move it to a corner? 

That's about all I have, peeve-wise, from that day.  Hard to find fault on one of the best days of your life...

A Peeve From My Dog

Let me in the house, you douchebag. It's raining out here.

USAir Strikes Again

So yesterday, I am waiting to get on board my usual 7:10am Monday morning flight at gate 5 in the Buffalo airport. I've been doing this almost every week for three years now.

And yesterday morning the gate agent asked to see my bag.  And he proceeds to MEASURES my bag.  And pronounces it one inch too large as a carry-on.  And makes me CHECK MY BAG.

This is the same bag I have been taking on the same flight for the last three years.

What a fucking asshat.

I can't wait until next Monday morning. 

Just call me Granny

My undies seem to be riding higher on my waist than my pants are today.  That's creating an attractive look for me.  I think I'll start wearing plaid boxers to make me look hip instead of my current undies of choice which make me look like a grandmother.

Next Time I'll Snuff You Out

While my husband is deployed overseas, I have the enviable task of sending him his Copenhagen snuff. (That's "chew" to y'all). The cashier at Wal-Mart acted like it was a HUGE deal to walk the five feet to the cans I was pointing out to her. I told her which ones, described what they looked like, even tried to point out the exact ones I wanted, yet it took a good five minutes for her to point to the right ones. Of course, she gave me major attitude. Bitch.

Reader Peeves: Max Edition

Have peeves? I want them. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Max has loads of peeves:

People who have a voice mail message that says, "Please leave a message and I will return your call at my earliest convenience." What the hell? If that's what you meant to say, then I guess I appreciate the honesty, if not the sentiment.

---

Annoying Office Speak

It's very annoying when people use the phrase "reach out" instead of "talk to".  As in, "Why don't you reach out to Jim some time next week?"    I don't know who started this now ubiquitous awful locution but I would like to find that person and punch him in the head.

Granularity.  I think this is supposed to mean either "more detail" or something similar.  "We need a little more granularity on the composition of their volatilities for PJM."  I think these stupid terms cause brain lesions, so don't be surprised if I bring a rifle to the office.

Clarity.  To mean something like "further details".  As in, "We can get more clarity on the goals of the project after we talk to Bob."  Excuse, do you mind if I poke my eardrums with your pencil?

Big Foot

How did my toddler go from wearing a size seven shoe to a size eight in three weeks? I think I might just let her run around barefoot until she starts high school.