The Peevery

Reader Peeves

Jamie sent me a big batch of peeves. Here is the first installment, what she called "invalid peeves," but I think all peeves are valid. Have peeves of your own? Send them in. peevedmichelle@yahoo.com

1. (I’ve tweeted this too) Unrestrained dogs in cars. You wouldn’t let your kids roam around in a moving vehicle. Don’t you care about your dog smacking the windshield in the event of an accident? This goes double if there are kids in car seats in the car. You know if you wreck, your 80 pound dog might fall on your restrained child and seriously injure them. So you’re endangering both your kid AND your dog. Way to go, genius.

2. People standing behind me. Maybe it’s more of a phobia than a peeve, but I cannot stand it. I need a good 6’ perimeter with strangers. If I don’t know you and you’re not Johnny Depp, please do not breathe on the back of my neck.

3. When you accidentally call a wrong number do not just hang up. Say something like, “Oh, excuse me. I have the wrong number.” Acknowledge the fact that you may have just interrupted something important the person who answered was doing. Don’t just hang up- that is so rude.

A Tale Of Two Kids

I've got three children, and a fourth on the way.  My oldest lives with her mom, and visits on weekends, so I pretty much have two kids at home to peeve about:

Sammi, age 5 and going into first grade, has decided that my wife and I are suddenly the two dumbest people on earth; everything we say is wrong.  Nor do we have any authority over her bedtime.  This difference of opinion makes the hours between 8 and 10 pm pretty lively around here lately. 

Erin, age 3, has decided that she does not need to poop in the potty.  She'll pee in the potty, but only poop in her big-girl underwear.  Apparently she has also mastered the art of stealth pooping, because we can never quite seem to catch her in the act.  And guess who cleans out that underwear 90% of the time? 

On Hold

Things I'm putting on hold until I have a new job and new place to live:

• Buying new towels (Why buy new towels I'll just have to move?  Better to buy new ones in new location)

• Buying new mattress (Same logic as above)

• Trying online dating again (Why find a mate in the city I'm hoping to leave?)

• Planning anything for more than a month out (I could be in the middle of a move, why plan something I'll have to change or cancel?)

Something's gotta give. 

Magic Carpet

A while ago, I purchased a cute little rug to put down on top of the boring beige carpet in my daughter's room. It was one of those little rag rugs that cost $3.99 at Target.

My daughter ended up spilling some milk on the carpet which wasn't a big deal until I realized when we moved that when the rug got wet, dye from the rug stained the carpet a lovely shade of pink. A lovely shade that couldn't be removed with any cleaner, stain remover, steam cleaner or brute force.

That $4 rug left a 3 inch stain that's going to cost me $300 because the entire room needs to be re-carpeted now.

Kate Hate

Dear Kate Gosselin,

Please go away and stop airing your dirty laundry in public. I don't feel shred of pity for you. You're not the only woman in America going through a divorce. Granted, most women probably don't have eight kids, but they also don't have the money and resources you do.

Also, if you whine more time about how hard it is to be a single mom, I might throttle you. I'm married, but am currently a "single" mom while my husband is away fighting for our fine country. I am mom and dad, and I don't whine about having to take out the garbage or the myriad of other responsibilites I've take on since his departure. It's about time you learned how to fend for yourself. An unempowered woman is the worst kind.

This may be harsh, but someone needs to smack you into "reality."

Sincerely,

Erin

Warning Labels

I know I've peeved about this before, but honestly Christian or religious fiction needs to have a more obvious label indicating that's what the story is about.  I bought My Not So Fairy Tale Life thinking it sounded interesting.  I had no idea that the "weird religion" described on the back was Mormon and that this would turn out to be a book extolling the virtues of joining the LDS Church.  I figured the "weird religion" would be some kind of crazy cult like the one with the purple tennis shoes or like the Janes from that King of the Hill episode, not a fairly mainstream religion. 

Reader Peeves

Send me your peeves! (peevedmichelle@yahoo.com) Max has been saving his up; he has three.

-I hate that Yoplait commercial where there is a guy on the phone yapping about all of the delicious desserts he has every day.   Obviously he is talking about the refrigerator full of yoghurt, but is leading the other person to believe he has cheesecake and banana splits every day.  Then the lady comes in and holds up a carton of yoghurt and says, "Babe!" as though she has uncovered some plot, and then they guy hurriedly hangs up the phone.  Seriously, what is the point of that ad?  Who would get mad if someone were to brag about all the yoghurt they ate, and what kind of totally emasculated guy would put up with that?
 
-Triathletes who carry on about how they are early adopters of all new exercise related technology.  Yeah, sure, because nobody ever went jogging wearing sunglasses before some guy did it a Kona Iron Man.
 
-Cyclists who whizz six inches beside you at 20 mph and shout "ON YOUR LEFT!" right as they pass you.  Thanks for the warning, tool.

Road Rage

Dear Senior-Lady-in-the-Buick:

It's me, driving behind you as you approach the curbside mail box to deposit your letters. You're driving verrrry slowly. You stop in front of the mail box. You sit in your car for what seems like three minutes but is probably just thirty seconds. I'm staring at you in your rearview mirror, willing you to roll down your window and drop your letters in the mailbox and move along. You seem to ignore me. 

I will not be ignored. Come on, lady. What, did you forget to seal the envelopes?  Are you affixing your little address labels you get free in the St. Jude's Children's Hospital solicitations?  Why would you not be more prepared when you're driving to a heavily trafficked curbside mail box at the post office?  WHY??!!?  Is your window broken?  Why not just park your car and do your business so the rest of us can drop and drive ?!  Why do you make me wait for you and your slowness and disorganization!??!  MOVE IT, SISTER!

Impatiently yours,

Blaugra

I see dead people.

I'm risking my friendships by ranting about the following:

People who are saying and writing, "Wow, we've lost so many good people this year. RIP [insert name of recently deceased famous person here]." 

Go ahead commenters, have at it. Tell me I'm callous, ignorant, and unappreciative of the genius and legacy of [insert name of recently deceased famous person here.]  

I'm really not. I get it. But lots of good people die every year, people whose families have to pay for a one-column obituary to run in the newspapers. And I'm just a tiny bit cynical about practically canonizing dead celebrities.

Rich Linty Goodness

For my birthday last month, my mother gave me some beautiful new black bath towels.  They're soft, fluffy, and of generally excellent quality.  However, they shed black lint like crazy and will continue to do so until they're laundered fifteen or twenty times.  Since my California-drought mindset sends me into pink fits at the thought of repeatedly laundering something that isn't yet dirty, I am allowing an extra five minutes every morning to pick little black lint tufts from my bodily landscape. 

Snug-diculous

I love my dog, but I will NOT be buying her a Snuggie.

She has fur for a reason.

Because you're dying to know

I have stinky asparagus pee.

A Tale Of Two Cars

I have two vehicles that I drive regularly.  A 2000 Ford Windstar, and a 1989 Ford Festiva.  In the van, the doors lock automatically as soon as you put the sucker in gear, like I'm too dumb to decide when the doors need to be locked. The thing dings at me for every conceivable reason - like leaving the lights on, not closing a door all the way, running low on wiper fluid or gas, driving too fast, oh wait...that's my wife, not the dinger.

On the other hand, my Festiva doesn't even have the courtesy to remind me that the lights are on, probably in the hopes that I'll finally replace the 8 year old battery.  It doesn't lock or unlock my doors, which is nice until I have to turn the car off to go manually unlock the rear hatch, which is the only place from which I can actually open or close the rear windows.   The air conditioning doesn't work, and the radio plays only about three stations, through two crappy speakers.

When I win the lottery tonight, I'm SO going to buy a mid-life crisis car...

An Inconvenient Poop

If there was ever a good time for a major diaper blowout, during your first solo shopping trip with a newborn and a toddler when you've left the diaper bag in the car is certainly not it.

You and your imaginary friends?

A few of us went for lunch at a very crowded restaurant today. The guy in front of us at the counter grabbed his lunch and paid. I wasn't far behind and watched him look out across the crowded room, spot one table for two and one table for four. He proceeded to the table for four, sat down, took out a book, put his iPod headphones on and began to read and eat by himself.

Why didn't he just sit at the table for two and save the bigger table for a bigger party? He'll probably be eating a lot more meals alone if he's always so thoughtless.

Love, Exciting and New

I got the Palm Pre. I loved it unconditionally, until just about now.

I took all my data from Google, Palm desktop, my old phone and Outlook and merged it all onto the Pre. Well, I didn't do it, the handy data transfer assistant program thingie did it. Then I had to blend and edit duplicate records. Now when I sync it all up, it's supposed to be perfectly accurate between what I see on Google on my big computer screen, and what's on the Pre, but there are little differences that are really irritating. I think there's a slight lag time in syncing, at least I hope that's what the issue is. I'm baffled by wireless, and trying to understand it makes my head hurt. 

In Need of Recovery

I'm freakin' addicted to the Pathwords app on Facebook!  I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome from it.  Plus it's hindering my ability to work.

Every Single Day?!

I only listen to the radio for about an hour and a half in the morning when I first get up.  Every day they play Electric Feel and some terrible song about a heart beating like a hammer.  I hate these two songs so much I have to turn off the radio the moment one comes on.  I may have to go back to listening to CDs in the morning.  

Life On the Line

I watched too many Lifetime "Truth About Youth" movies this weekend. Now I want to either become a high school guidance counselor or have an affair with a 19-year-old boy.

The New Nancy Kerrigan

While I may not be sitting on the floor clutching my knee in pain, today I am wondering, "Why me?"

I bought a brand-new lawnmower last week after my husband deployed, because I was sick of having to use a screwdriver to wind the cord back in just to try to start it. I also lost half the skin off my pinkie finger pulling the cord.

It's been great - starts on the first pull, runs like a dream. Until today, that is. My son started it fine and mowed the backyard, but as soon as he went out front, the damn thing doesn't want to start.

Peeves of Yore

I'm late posting these again!  Plus, I totally skipped it last week!  Did you notice?

Last year, the Unknown Peever was late filing her taxes.

Last fall, Michael's TiVo was late and Karla Kay's neighbors stayed out late.

In 2006, Heather was three entire years late.

In this peeve, Joanne stayed up really late and woke up really early.

Back in the day (before she had kids), Michelle used to lay around in bed on Monday mornings, sleeping late.

In 2007, the UP was just late.

June Cleaver's Oven

We just moved into an apartment and the microwave/range/oven set is so old, it isn't even digital. The microwave has a dial to set the power level and a big push button to get it started.

I am worried I will start another cold war if I try to defrost something.

Just Great

In addition to being annoyed by the term "webinar," the webinar was 2 hours long and only had like 4 screen changes.  At that point, why call it a webinar when it's mostly a teleconference?

Each time someone asked a question, the speaker would cheerfully say, "Katie, that's a GREAT question."  "Tom, that's a GREAT question."  I find it hard to believe that the speaker thought every single one of the 37 questions asked was all that GREAT.

Ow.

These shoes aren't as broken in as I thought they were.

A Slow Death

Today was Day 1 of a 3day work conference. The following notes were taken:

1. People who use church analogies in large public forums are annoying. Ex: "Sometimes you may have to share with the person next to you, like you do with the hymnals in church." You just alienated people with that statement. Rock on.

2. 20 minutes to come up with a team name is farking ridiculous. And there were only 4 of us!

3. Guy at my table ate a muffin, still in the wrapper, from the top down. By taking bites out of it. Picture that for a moment. See how gross that is? Now picture the wrapper getting sucked clean when the pites are taken from the edges. Mmm, can't wait to see that 2 more days in a row.

4. Adults should not wear shirts made of kangaroo-printed material. And definitely not with striped pants.

5. If you're at a table with others you should not chew your ice cubes, because there's no way to do that silently and I already hate you.

6. There are others, but recapping this now makes me all angsty and angry and I have two more days of this bullshit to survive.

Reader Peeves

Have a peeve? Send it to peevedmichelle@yahoo.com

Bridget has a peeve:

Dear Co-Worker:

Misspelling words while using a Blackberry is not a capital crime.  Particularly when the words are "yuo" (meaning you) and "hvae" (meaning have).  You clearly understood my message.  The "Sent from my Blackberry Handheld" absolves me from all spelling errors.  I appreciate that you care enough about me to POINT THESE GROSS ERRORS OUT TO MY BOSS' BOSS, but now he thinks you are a moron.

Thanks. 
Bridget

Bachamer has a peeve:

Shit for brains!

There are many things I could write about this neighbor of mine but that would fill pages. Instead, I’ll just have a peeve about his latest idiotic behavior! He comes home in his truck, gets out and just throws an empty cup on the grass next to the drive way. If his dad or mom are not visiting soon, that cup will stay there for weeks! There was a freakin’ reason that we moved into a gated golf course community!!! This wasn’t it! Oh yeah, the golf course owner has asked the community for help! He obviously is feeling the downturn of the economy, scaring the homeowners into helping him by claiming that their home value will decline if the golf course is going down! The golf course looks like crap! The Club House has cheap furniture and crappy service (I got my pants soaking wet the only time I went there – complete different peeve). Maybe that’s why the business isn’t working. Never, ever again will I move into a golf course neighborhood! Can’t wait to get the hell outta here!”

Lactose Intolerant

I weaned my child a month ago, so I hate that I still have to wear a sleep bra to hold in breast pads to catch the milk from my leaky nipples.

Turn The Lights Out, The Party's Over

Dear Brett Favre,

Please go away.  Everyone knows that the only reason you're still playing is to try to prove that the Packers were wrong.  They weren't.  Get over it.  Retire while you have a couple shreds of dignity left.  Thank you, and,

Best regards,

Red

Lots. O. Peeves.

Boss? Rude. Cut me off in a mtg to make the same point I was making, then had a lame excuse later for why she did so. Hate.

Coworker? Stupid. Took him days to "find" and review an email I sent, all to tell me he had no changes. Hate.

Feet? Hurt. Not because of the shoes worn today, but because of the shoes worn and the 20minute walk to-and-fro the other building. Ow.

Work seminar thingy for the rest of the week? Yuck. Three days where I can't be online or texting during the day but actually have to pay attention. Cruel.

Hospital-themed TV shows? Seriously. Do we really need 3 new ones? Overdone.

Rebel Yell

I really need to find out what sort of curriculum my son's school follows, as I overheard a little girl asking her mom in Wal-Mart, "Mama, is that the rebel flag?"

Her mom answered, "No, that's the American Flag."

I do live in southeastern Georgia, mind you.

Not Working Well

I'm taking a new medication daily.  It requires me to take it in the morning to not interfere with my sleep.  It requires that I take it with food (as not to vomit it back up I presume).  Unfortunately about 42% of the time I can do either one or the other but not both.  Most work mornings I eat, but weekends I don't usually.  And there's usually about one work morning per week I can't find time to eat.  Throw on the wheat intolerance thing which elminates about 60% (or more) of convenient breakfast foods and I end up eating what I ate for breakfast this morning... peanuts and beef jerkey. 

Not Right!

So at work apparently the cleaners did a "deep clean" of the offices.  They didn't let us know that it would be occuring so my desk was as it always is.  I get in this morning and my desk is even more chaotic than usual, my computer isn't in the right place and worst of all - the mini blinds that hang in my office window and shield me from the atrium below have been adjusted and I can't figure out what level of openness I had them on.

Hairy Bullets

• One big hair on each big toe that my razor always misses

• Random woman looking closely at my face and telling me about her laser hair removal experience

• Hair in delicate crevices that I can not reach unless I'm in a Twister-game-like position

• What was once soft peachfuzz on the small of my back has suddenly become an unruly field of orangutan fur

• My shameful reluctance to take my hairy self to a waxer and get the full body treatment

Smoke gets in my eyes.

I live in a little valley and the air quality is awful, especially on hot humid days when you feel like you're chewing the air in big gobs. Today is one of those days, and there's a house fire down the street so the air is full of ash and smoke.  Can't...breathe...

(I'm not expecting sympathy from Peeved Michelle or any other LA-dwellers!)

Stuck with the Clunker

I don't qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program because my old car gets really good gas mileage. 

I'm really just using that as an excuse not to go car shopping. 

Numbers Don't Lie

"I gave 110%."

I understand you made a tremendous effort.  But you can't give more than you have, dipshit.

Cayenne Pepper Overkill

All of the left-over goodies I brought home from our camping/reunion weekend must be eaten lest they go to waste.  I hate throwing away good food. Do you think the food bank would take Buffalo Chicken Pasta Salad, Hot Links and Spicy Turkey Brats?

Suck it, Time Warner

Time Warner sucks it so bad, I could kill someone. There are not enough bullet points in the world to list off the ways in which they suck.

Make A Decision Already!

It has been almost three goddamn weeks.  How long does it take to decide yay or nay?!

I have strong feelings about naming your waffle.

I absolutely loathe when a restaurant puts up a handwritten sign that says, "Try our Belgium Waffles!"

Shouldn't it be Belgian waffles?  Aren't we describing the waffles?  You don't say France fries or Canada bacon or Cuba sandwich or China food. But some people say that "Belgium Waffles" is correct.  I want to loathe those people but they might be right.  Please weigh in.

A Hot Mess With a Side of Gross

My eyes are itchy and my nostrils are swollen because I am having an allergic reaction to something. My nails are flaking and my hair is falling out because my pregnancy hormones have retreated. My face is breaking out for the same reason. In addition to the zits, I have a minor chemical burn on my face due to a depilatory miscalculation. I have a tar stain on my thickly calloused heel from the beach. I am mildly sunburned on various parts of my body because I didn't use enough sunscreen at the beach. And, to top it all off, a new medication occasionally gives me the shits. You want to make out?

Reader Peeves

MamaKaren has a peeve:

Office Efficiency

I was out of the office last week, during which time one of our volunteers for whom I provide support was visiting.  The visit went smoothly, but he had to leave some confidential, time-sensitive paperwork for me, and he gave it to one of the Executive Assistants in my absence, since her office is down the hall from mine and we have a good deal of contact each day.  She is out of the office this week, so she sent me an email before she left filling me in on the the status of the visit and letting me know that he had left stuff for me.  Instead of leaving said paperwork either (a) on my desk, (b) on her own desk with instructions regarding where I could pick it up, or (c) in the in-box provided to our volunteer in the temporary office he was using, she put it in an interoffice envelope and sent it to me.  It's 3:21 p.m. on Monday and I still don't have the paperwork he turned in before he left the office last Thursday.
 
Tuesday morning update: still no package in this morning's run.  Starting to panic, and am contacting mail personnel

Tuesday afternoon: still no package.  Continuing to panic and sending mail to all employees in an attempt to find the package.

Wednesday morning: still no package.  Panic is escalating.  Second frantic all-employee email sent, at the direction of my boss.

Wednesday afternoon: Package has been found!  The EA put highly confidential, time-sensitive paperwork into an unsealed envelope, and put that envelope into an interoffice envelope and did not put my name on it.  The previous name on the interoffice envelope belonged to someone who was out of the office on vacation, so it sat in her inbox until she called in and gave permission for someone to open her mail.

In case you missed the point, I am saying that your blog is boring.

If you are going to truncate your posts in the RSS feed, you should make sure that the first two sentences of each post are interesting enough to make me want to click through to your blog to read the whole thing. So far, not so much.

But I Don't Work Out

This is quite probably TMI, but I have the most raging case of athlete's foot that I've ever had.  Off to the pharmacy for me. 

Undecided

So once upon a time my mother believed I was a lesbian and bought me shirts for Christmas appropriate for a 45 to 50 year old lesbian as opposed to a 34 year old non-lesbian.  Peeved Michelle and my sister convinced me one of the shirts "wasn't so bad" so I kept it. I am wearing it today.  Despite the four compliments I received on it, I'm still fairly unconvinced.  My biggest issue, the stripes move.  You know how when you look at a certain pattern and it appears to move (houndstooth), these stripes do that.  Also, it may or may not make me look pregnant.  I'll try to remember to take a pic when I get home so you can give your full and honest opinion.  

What?

A co-worker just said "I want to check all of the ticky tacky details". What the hell does that mean?

Reader Peeves

Have a peeve? Send it to me at peevedmichelle@yahoo.com and I'll post it. Also, if you sent one recently and I didn't post it, please resend it. When I got this one in my email just now, it gave me the nagging feeling that I forgot to post someone else's.

Max has some peeves in the old school bullet format:

• I don't like the word "webinar".  It gives me the heebie jeebies.  I don't know why.
• Skinny jeans on guys.
• Nike Plus armband.  Horribly inaccurate.  Should have bought a Garmin instead.
• Guys at high school class reunion telling stories about summer marching band practice as though it were boot camp.  I have done both.  No comparison.  The 20 years in between doesn't make the band any less dorky.

Beware The Woman With A PINK Ass

I was at Wal-Mart for printer ink, both color and black cartridges. Of course, there was a woman standing right in front of the cartridges I needed, with her cart blocking everything. I figured I'd wait a few seconds before I squared my shoulders to push her aside and get my ink. (It's these rare moments of trying to be nice that eventually screw me.)

She moved, and immediately some other woman went right in front of me and took the LAST black ink cartridge. I might not have been irritated so much had she not had "PINK" blared across her ass. This has been discussed on The Peevery previously, so I won't even go there.

Needless to say, I walked away with my color cartridge, knowing my printer is smart enough to blend the colors to make black, but pissed anyway.

Can't Print That

I am scheduling an event where I will have speakers throughout the day.  I have the appointment open in Outlook and I can see the available times on each person's schedule.  I wish I could print this out.  They all have different lengths of time they will be speaking and it would be easier for me to manipulate my schedule if I could see their schedule side by side with my agenda.

Better Web Presence

I know that their site sucks because they do not sell online, but I really wish my favorite store, Fred Meyer, had a better website so I could see if they had aprons without having to go there.