The Peevery

Fishy

Guess whose boneless snapper fillets has an assload of bones in them? And guess who's not going to eat her yummy fish curry because she is afraid she will die from getting a fish bone stuck in her gullet?

Just another typical Saturday night.

Went to a classy cultural event, got drunk, talked to classy cultured people while drunk.  I have no recollection of what I said, but I recall the classy cultured people laughing at me and saying, "We just love when you show up at these things!"  

The damage is done, so I may as well have a nightcap.

Peeves of Yore - A Day Late

That holiday on Monday - just a dim memory now - screwed me all up.  Sorry!

Last year, Nikki celebrated Memorial Day with a 1,700 calorie mexican meal, while I resisted, even though I was being taunted by nachos.

Two years ago, Michelle joined Facebook, talked up Twitter, and farted.  All in one peeve post!  Multi-tasking!  Also that week, Joann reminded us of one fundamental truth.  Now, I shall curse her for the rest of the night as I sing "Dogs Are Not People, so why should it be, that you and I should get along so aw-full-ly" 

What the fuck, Joann?  I like Depeche Mode and all but that's one of their worst songs.

Three years ago, Kate was a whiter shade of pale.  So there.

Four years ago, Ian had several bum-related peeves.  The Unknown Peveer had just one.

Five years is too far to go back.  That's all I've got for this week.  See ya.

Chadwicks are Pricks

Why did I order from Chadwicks.com?  I saw a really sweet dress, and a few more, and I ordered them.  Kept one, returned the others.  This is why Chadwicks are pricks (which I do realize makes me sound like an immature imbecile):

• Shipping charges on an order that was about $100.
• Return shipping charges.
• The clothes are crap, for the most part, and look nothing like the photos.  Except for the dress I kept.
• And this, their return credit policy: "a credit will be issued immediately to your original method of payment less shipping and handling charges. For credit card orders, please allow 1-2 billing statements for your credit to appear" which I neglected to realize, and now I have a finance charge on my credit card also.  So it basically cost $21 to try on a few crappy rayon dresses.

ONE TO TWO BILLING STATEMENTS FOR YOUR CREDIT TO APPEAR?  What retailer can stay in business today with a stupid-ass policy like that? 

Thing That Looks Silly

Blonde dreadlocks.

Health care sucking it again

I just got a bill for $150 from the hospital that my daughter had to stay at when she had jaundice over TWO YEARS ago. Two years. And I am now just getting the bill. The bill was also accompanied by a nasty voice mail stating that if I didn't pay the bill within ten days they were sending me to collections. It took them over 750 days to press the "print invoice" button yet they have the nerve to demand that I pay it immediately. And this is why it costs a small fortune to stay healthy.

Not a Dumping Ground

I take my dog to a local off-leash dog park to socialize and tire him out so I can walk him without hurting myself.  This past weekend, there was a group of people there (maybe a meet-up group) with about 10 dogs between them.  The group sat on a picnic table and BS'ed the whole time, not paying attention to their defecating dogs.  I watched 4 dogs take a dump without their owners cleaning it up.  Also, the few times that they did pay attention to their animals was when the dogs were engaged in a friendly game of  "chase me" with my dog.  "Zeus, come!"  "Here, Stanley!"  My poor little herder was so disappointed when his buddies left because their owners thought these pure-breds were too good to play with my mutt.  Snotty people. 

Stinky Pants

My three year old daughter pees in the potty 4,109 times a day, but will not poop anywhere but her "big girl" underwear.  This begins to wear on me just a little bit.  Why?  My wife claims that since she is pregnant, she is exempt from cleaning all forms of biological waste.  Which means that I not only get to clean out the "big girl" underwear, I also have litter box duties and responsibility for all cat puke.  Oh, the joy!

Gloomy Gus

Pretty sure I'm depressed. Again.

Pretty sure there's no valid reason for it.

Pretty sure there's not much worse than being totally annoyed with oneself and unable to self-correct.

Jon and Kate + Hate

On the one hand, I have little sympathy for Jon and Kate (of Jon and Kate + 8 on TLC, blah, blah, blah) because they put themselves and their family in this position by continuing with the show. On the other hand, why the hell do I even have an opinion about this?

Shopping Queen

This weekend, once we got Kenna moved out of the nursery and into her new room, I went shopping with my mom to get the rest of the baby supplies I want to have on hand before the baby arrives (in 23 days!).

Here is a rundown of my shopping success:

$50 saved with coupons
$180 worth of gift cards
$140 spent out of pocket

I was giddy when looking at those totals. So nerdy. I won't be quite so giddy when I go shopping next weekend and spend about $750 out of pocket for a new glider, ottoman, and crib mattress, even with the $120 I will save using even more coupons.

Bellyache

Something we ate yesterday gave me a touch and Chris a wallup of food poisoning. I suspect it was the turkey burgers we had for dinner (although I cooked the hell out of them). I don't know for sure what it was that made us sick so now I have to throw out a whole bunch of stuff so that it doesn't happen again. I hate wasting food.

Opening Day of Trash Season

Summer has officially arrived to Southern California, as evidenced by the massive amounts of trash left in public beach parking lots after the holiday weekend. They look like that every Monday through Labor Day.

Clean Up Our Own Yard

I think I probably have already peeved about this once before, but apparently it is coming up again.  I'm seeing signs all over my city about Prop 8 and repealing Prop 8 or rejecting Prop 8 or something like that.  And of course because this is Seattle we will be protesting Prop 8.  My issue with all this WA doesn't have legalized gay marriage and shouldn't these yahoos be fighting the fight on our own behalf instead of focusing on the state we (Washingtonians) claim to hate?

(There's some weird belief among some of the older Seattleites that 1/2 the city is made up of former Californians who drive like maniacs and have caused the housing to go through the roof.  I don't know if this is true, but I did get an earful one evening from a little old man who lectured me about moving up here and ruining the city.)

Just Call Me Wheezy

Anyone else ever get that stage of heartburn that's so bad you start wheezing and coughing?  I did this morning.  Man, I hate that. I especially hate that I took a Pepcid and sat up and waited... and waited... and waited and an hour later it was still killing me so I gave up just sitting on my bed and watched TV.  Do you know what's on at 5:00 AM?  Paid Programming and those weird early shows.  That's a whole other peeve.

Literally Forgettable

I hate it when I'm reading a book I think I've never read before and about half way through I realize I've totally read it before.   Surprisingly this happens more than one would think.  Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep and Jodi Picoult's 10th Circle, I'm looking at you. 

Revenge of the Birds

The bird population in Western Pennsylvania has banded together and have made it their mission to shit on my patio and deck.  And it's not pretty. 

Peeves of Yore - Reality TV Peeves

So I guess the dude that no one expected to win American Idol won, and the ambiguously gay dude who was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly lost.  Whatever, I don't watch that show.  I'm all about Bigger Loser and Real World vs. Road Rules Challenges and Big Brother and Survivor. And Celebrity Fit Club. 

In 2006, Joanne also did not care about AI, nor did she give a flying fuck about Brangelina.  So there.  Then, she had another peeve about a show I don't think I ever heard of.

In 2007, Blaugra cared enough about American Idol and her top pick to peeve about it. 

Also in '07, Kate felt sorry for Maureen McCormick.

In 2005, Michelle had her fill of shows like 'The Swan' and 'I Want A Famous Face'.  Nowadays, she stays up late to watch shows about people like this.  And this. 

A few years ago, someone named Rachel (who?) peeved about one of my favorites - Big Brother.  Again, who is Rachel?

Just last fall, Amy wished that BBC America and her TiVo would play a little nicer together.

When is Celebrity Fit Club coming back on?  And did you know that I (sort of) know ANT?

Step Right Up!

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to view the Eighth Wonder of the World!  A terrifying freak of nature!  A woman just like any other...until she made the fatal mistake of doing yard work on several sunny days wearing different sleeve lengths.  Now she's the Incredible Tri-Tone Tan Girl!  See her left arm and its amazing graduated lines -- a veritable human Neapolitan ice-cream.  Marvel at her utter stupidity in clothing choices and her death-defying scorn of sunscreen. 

Don't let this happen to YOU!

Hmm.

Why do Americans say "erbs" when they really mean "herbs"?

Peeves of the Moment

• I'm wearing no socks today and just slipped off my sandals because my feet are hot.  My feet stink.
• My shirt is uncomfortable.  It is a proper fitted shirt unlike the tents I usually wear and I feel it is emphasizing the fat.
• They attempted to deliver my package today, yet I was not at home.  I presumed they'd leave it.  They did not which caused me to have to figure out something else to do with my scouts at tonight's meeting.
  • I forgot the paperwork I need for tonight's meeting at home.
  •  We will be doing water colors instead which guarantees one of my girls will piss me off.

Gody to the Max

I eat lunch so often at my desk - and over my keyboad - that there isll sorts of schmuz i i,preventngthe majority of my keys o woo as they  ld

And that is actually what showed up when I typed the following:

I eat lunch so often at my desk - and over my keyboard - that there is all sorts of schmutz in it, preventing the majority of my keys to work as they should.

Don't Be a Hater

I have very strong, fast-growing fingernails.  I have to cut them every 6-8 weeks.  The whole process is a big pain in the ass since they are so hard.  I have to clip one side, then the next to meet in the middle since they don't flex.  And, I have to soak them before-hand to even accomplish that.  Then there's the whole filing thing.  It's really a chore.

I have to get this off my chest.

I'm hating my job.

I'm hating the people I work with.

I'm hating the people who say, "You've got such a great job, you don't know how lucky you are!" 

I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

Whew.  Thank you.

READ IT

I was looking through the Wanted category in the For Sale section of Craigslist and I came across a listing from someone who wanted a Maya Wrap. I had been thinking of selling mine so I responded to her with the following:

I have a size medium, apple green Maya Wrap ring sling with zippered pocket. It is about a year and half old, but I only used it a few times. How much are you willing to pay for it?

She responded with the following:

Is it the wrap that is the gutamalean print? I need the size medium. Is it in the one with the ring?

What the shit?

Day Late, $21 Dollars Extra

I ordered some craft supplies to be delivered two day delivery and paid what I consider to be an exorbinent fee to do so.  When I was selecting my delivery option, I was given the various options and each had an estimated delivery date.  I was expecting to get the supplies today for tomorrow's scout meeting.  You can imagine my surprise when I tracked the order online and discovered they just left Nashville, TN at 3:48 PM today.  I could be wrong but I'm fairly certain they will not arrive at my apartment today.  And of course since the company gave an "estimated" delivery date, they've absolved themselves of any responsibility for the delivery date of the package. 

Sneaking Out Early

What kind of asshat schedules an all employee meeting from 2:00 - End of Business day on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend? 

The president of my employer.  And since I work for a pretty visible department it isn't like I can sneak out like I'm sure so many other people will. 

Those crazy marketers, what will they think of next?

Why is our nation being told to eat more refined carbohydrates?  I'm talking to you, Domino's Bread Bowl Pasta!  A mound of noodles in salty fatty sauce with cheese surrounded by a loaf of bread, and then they tell you how to eat, in case you couldn't figure it out: "Eat the pasta, then devour the bowl!" Well, when you put it that way, it really does sound like an appetizing and balanced diet.  And I can have it delivered to my couch?!  Wow!

Drowning in a Sea of Jackasses

Me:   The rep from this company told me they only want to be contacted by email, no regular postal mail.

Colleague:  Do you have their regular mailing address?

Me:  No, but, they don't want regular mail.

Colleague:  I might need to send them something through the mail in the future.

Me:  They want everything sent via email.

Colleague:  I'd really like you to get the rep's mailing address.

Me:  I'd really like to throw my stapler at your temple and see you bleed profusely.

[that last sentence was my fantasy, of course]

Did my keys scratch your car?

Some asshole parked his shitty van so close to my tiny car that I had to climb in through the passenger side. I'm nine months pregnant. And did I mention my car is tiny? Last time this happened, I left a note on the windshield in the driver's view in lip gloss. I didn't have one I could waste this time. Maybe I should get a bingo marker or something like that.

Navy is the new...oh, who am I fooling?

I just bought what I thought was a pair of black slacks from Ann Taylor Loft. Wore then today with black shoes and a black and white top. Only to have my co-worker point out the obvious: that they are navy blue. Several people tried to make me feel better by saying things like, "Well, you don't want to be too match-y" and "You're just a fashion risk-taker." Nope, I'm a huge color-blind dork. In the full bright light of day, it is hideous. Granted, not as hideous as the giant zit on my chin that is so huge it has now written a master's thesis and has its own social security number, but hideous nonetheless.

A Bird In The Shed Is Worth Two Bloody Hands

This afternoon I nonchalantly walked into my shed looking for some tie-down straps to put in my van; I was on my way to pick up some furniture at my Aunt's apartment in Niagara Falls.  Suddenly, from somewhere in my shed a motherfucking bird appeared, flapping its wings and chirping angrily about eighteen inches in front of my face.  The next few seconds are a little blurry, but I think what happened is that I ducked away from the bird at the same time I turned to run like hell out of the shed.  This combination made me sprawl flat on my face on the concrete driveway in spectacular fashion, scraping about six layers of skin from my hands and sending my keys 30 feet into the neigbor's lawn.

Shockingly, there were no witnesses, except for the bird.

Peeves of Yore - New School Work Peeves

Work was a better this week.  Marginally.

To celebrate, I'm posting my favorite current Peevery members'  work-related peeves from the last year.

In this post, Joanne set some Facebook boundaries.  I should totally follow her lead.

Here, Blaugra tells us about the asshole Human Resources rep at her company.  My husband is the HR Director of his company and he agrees - that dude is an ass.

Last fall, Amy found a surprise at her workstation.  Eh, I've found worse in my keyboard.

In this post, Michelle described her office's open-floor plan.  Now she can hear everything and smell everybody's farts.

Last summer Nikki killed trees.  And DID NOT CARE.

Just a few days ago, the Unknown Peever wrote a great Peeve, utilitizing one of my favorite words - DOUCHE.  I think I can guess who the UP was.

Here, JuJu peeved about her civic duty.  My advice: bring a book.

In this post, Hazel peeved about her sloppy co-workers.  Hazel - you share a work restroom a dude?

In January, Kate asked our opinion on peeing in the dark.  I say the darker the better.

Here, Red calls out the lazy bastards at his office.  I actually prefer a fresh pot, just saying. 

Sadly, I cannot find a work-related peeve from Karla.  She must really like her job. 

Facebook with Benefits

So, one of the downsides to Facebook is that you can click on a friend's photo album and the first picture that comes up shows an unexpected face that makes you say, "Oh yeah, I slept with that dude."

Two wars, an economy in shambles...

It must be a slow news day when Bristol Palin graduating from high school makes headline news. I don't know what I despise more- the mainstream media or the fact that there's some moron out there (besides the ones related to her) who actually gives a shit.

Reader Peeves

Peeved about something? Let me know. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Usedtobeme has a peeve:

I tip generously, 15% even for crappy service, more if I feel like I was really taken care of. I know how to tip.

When the restaurant prints the “range” of tips between 10% and 30% and then the waiter/waitress, in an effort to really point out said “range,” circles it, just in case I’m tip handicapped.  Or blind.

It pisses me off and I’m more likely to give you a whopping 10%, bottom of the “range” tip because you have irritated me and completely underestimated my ability to a) tip appropriately; and b) do my own math.

Cobra Yawn!

Urban Dictionary sent this as their word of the day. 

"The involuntary spraying of saliva while yawning. Much like the venom spray from a cobra. In most cases the yawner doesn't realize it has happened only finding the aftermath once the yawn is over."

 

"I just cobra yawned all over my keyboard five minutes prior to writing this definition."

You know you do this, too!  Or, you should know.

I've always wondered how we lose control of jets of saliva.  I have been laughing my ass off all morning about this.

Black Friday

Does the HR Department of my company have such a low opinion of me and my coworkers that they think we are blissfully unaware that they're going to fire ten or twenty people on Friday morning?  Honestly, it's insulting. 

I'd complain, but I don't think I'm on the chopping block, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Don't let your meat loaf.

Me, being clever and thrifty in the supermarket:  "Oh look! Buy one, get one free boneless pork tenderloin! I can make so many quick and yummy dinners with these!"

Me, two weeks later, looking in the fridge:  "Shit! I never did anything with those pork tenderloins!"

Luckily, this time, I caught the err of my ways one day shy of the expiration date.  But I've let meat loaf beyond its "good until" date a few too many times.  Damn those tempting sales.

Cheez-Zit

I ate half a box of reduced fat Cheezits last nite.  Today I am paying for it with my face. 

Mama's got a brand new bag

My favourite pen exploded in my favourite purse. Guess who's got a new favourite purse?

Resume Dirty Talk

Hey look!  It started working!

He who smelt it dealt it

Thankfully I am almost 100% alone here at work, because yes - I smelt it and I also dealt it.

But I Just Want the Little Bag

I may be the only person in the US who just likes to eat corn chips.  I don't require any cool ranch flavoring or even salsa.  What I hate, that you can only buy corn chips in the big family sized bags.  I am one person.  I just want that grab bag sized bag of corn chips.  I want that size of plain, ordinary, not Doritos, not Fritos corn chips.  Is that too much to ask?

*This peeve sponsored by the GINORMOUS bag of Tostitos I just bought for my nachos for lunch today.  I didn't have any chips left at home and was hoping I could just buy a little bag.  Not so much.  To add insult to injury, this bag has 20% MORE chips as if the bag wasn't big enough already.   Also I am irrationally peeved about having to buy more of something than I want or need.  I feel a little like Steve Martin in Parenthood when he's complaining about the fact that hot dogs come in a packet of 12 but buns come in a package of 8.

Fwd: Delete!

I know this is a common peeve, but it is rearing its ugly head in my inbox again.  I hate "funny" forwards! I am not the same political affiliation as my mother.  I have asked her to stop, yet somehow I continue to get her fwds with political "humor"- when she isn't forwarding political jokes she's forwarding chain letters for luck or love or whatever.  I don't just condemn her to the spam box because on occasion she actually sends me something I need, however if this continues she'll just head straight to spam. 

Husband Logic

Amy:  Honey, why did you write a phone number on the back of the unmailed Mother's Day card for my mom?

Husband:  I needed a piece of paper in a hurry and it was all I could find.

Amy:  There's a message pad right there on the refrigerator.

Husband: Well, if you didn't want the card to get written on, you shouldn't have put it on the table.

Do-Over For This Day, Please

I knew I should have picked up some coffee pods for the Senseo yesterday while shopping but I forgot. Now I have no clue how I am going to enjoy this last cup of coffee while it is dripping down the walls and into the coffee puddle on the floor. Maybe I can find a straw and get what is left out of the booster seat. Fucking fuck.

Why Ask?

If you ask me what I want you to bring home for dinner and I say, "pizza," don't bring home a fully-loaded-with-sausage pizza saying, "I know you don't like this sausage, but...."

I Have Never Hated Teeth More

On almost every website I've visited in the past month or so there has been an ad for Cathy's teeth.com, the secret to whiter teeth. 

Lost

Due to the fact that a) my birthday is this week and I'm anticipating presents (wishful thinking, truly), b) my boyfriend gets to town this week, and c) I'm hating certain aspects of my job (not specific to just this week), I have lost all semblance of motivation.

Should anyone see my motivation or something that looks like it, please let me know.