The Peevery

Carless

So most of the time I'm all "Ooh look at me I'm carless and I rule.  Shame on you bad environment people. My farts smell great*."  However, sometimes I really would like to have one.  I need to run three errands this weekend.  They're all to far flung areas in suburbia and will take me a minimum of 30 minutes by bus to get there.  Spending 2+ hours on the bus on a nice Saturday or Sunday afternoon does not sound like a lot of fun to me.

*One of my favorite South Park Episodes involves Gerald Broflovski getting a Prius and becoming so self important he moves the family to San Francisco.

Seminary Curriculum Suggestion

Finger-painting.

Seriously.  I think the priest who officiated at Ash Wednesday's morning Mass is a lovely fellow and obviously quite intelligent, but his forehead-daubing skills were such that I ended up with what looked like a colossal black lopsided star.  A co-worker was so astonished by my Giant Honking Penitent Symbol that he actually took a picture of my forehead. 

There is truth in the phrase "a little dab'll do ya."

Fish on Fridays

The fetus has communicated to me via mental telepathy that whatever I have for lunch today, it needs to have salami on it. Don't worry about our souls; we're atheists now. We don't believe we're eating Jesus's loins or whatever the reason is we used to not eat meat on Fridays during Lent.

Should Have Read the Instructions

I spent many hours recently uploading one and a half books on CD onto Itunes.  One of the books had 20 cds!  Each CD had somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 chapters which each got an entry.  I was moving all of this over to my iPod when I noticed they weren't going into the audiobooks bucket. I couldn't figure out why.  iTunes apparently presumes you are only downloading audiobooks from Audible and not uploading your own audiobooks so they provide no assistance.  Upon doing a simple google search I discovered everything I needed to do to make this right.  Fortunately it isn't that difficult.  Unfortunately it required me to delete the already loaded audiobooks.  Guess what fun thing I'll be doing this weekend.  

Peeves of Yore

One year ago, Nikki was conflicted about (of all things) peeving.

Two years ago, Blaugra needed to focus, and she was kind of sniffly.

Three years ago, JuJu just wanted to be normal.

Four years ago, Jo was not impressed with the phenomenon that is J-Lo.  I'm not either, and people call me J-Lo all the time.

Five years ago, Michelle was Australia, or was it Pakistan?  No, wait - she was Dune.

Same old shit

My husband is a tool.

Headline of the Day

Gas Explosion Injures Woman

Brown rice was identified as the cause of a gas explosion that occured at 4:58 PM EST.  No other injuries were reported.  The woman, who suffered very minor injury was quoted as saying "Let this be a cautionary tale for society!"

"Chief, would you believe..."

This morning I missed my bus to work because I cut myself shaving.

My TOE.

Rat's Nest

I can brush my hair out and stand absolutely still for ten minutes and despite not moving an inch of my body there will be a crazy tangle of knots at the back of my head. How does that happen? It's like I have a squirrel living under my mop.

Do-Do-Do-Do

As if sleeping isn't hard enough for me, I awoke last night to the sound my my printer printing.  2am. Three pages.  I lay there listening, wondering if the boy had come home late from college for a visit. He hadn't.  I still haven't checked my printer to see the mystery document.

What Dreams May Come

If the weird dream I had this morning comes true...

By the time I'm 36, I will have a rocking body and great breasts. Unfortunately, I will have grown a third nipple. Fortunately, I will take some pleasure in grossing people out by showing it to them.

I will have amazing blackmail leverage on one of the Executive Directors at work. Unfortunately, I will have had to see him and a software developer doing disgusting things to each other in order to gain that leverage. I mean really disgusting.

I will own a gorgeous pair of buff-colored suede Dolce & Gabbana boots. Unfortunately, I will accidentally pee on them while trying to use a urinal. Fortunately, I will have baby wipes in my purse, which I read work wonders on suede, and will be able to save my gorgeous boots from permanent harm.

Two Technical Troubles

1.  I do not have administrative rights to my work computer.  As a result of being upgraded to Office '07 I have needed an add-in and a hotfix.  I cannot do either to my computer so I have to contact Helpdesk to set up a time for them to login and blah blah blah.  So annoying.

2.  Since I am a user of Yahoo Briefcase which will be defunct March 30th I have to find a new space for my docs.  I have a gmail account, someone suggested Google Docs so I am making that transition. However, there is no easy way of doing this.  I have to download the docs from Yahoo (every time having IE reject the first download because "IE has prevented this download just in case") save them someplace on my desktop and then upload them to Google Docs. 

Where'd it go?

Apparently I no longer have an upper lip. 

Maybe Meg Ryan stole it.  I'll have to get it back.

Organizationally Challenged

Dear Microsoft,

I just got Office07.  Is your newer file organization system really an improvement when I have to take 2 extra steps to get to the right network file folder now?  Really?  It is?  Huh.

Sincerely, Laura

Just Call Me Sneezy

I'm not sick.  I don't feel like I have allergies (like no other allergy symptoms) yet I sneeze between four and ten times every day.  What's up with that?

Chase, Can You Fix This?

Every single time I login to my Washington Mutual Account online, I get an offer and I have to say "No Thanks" before I can go to my account balances.  There is no way (that I have seen so if one of you peevers knows how to do it, I bow to your superior skills) to let the system know to stop showing me offers.  I'm not interested.  I won't be interested and I am sick of seeing them!

No Risk Means No Return!

I have an employee who wants zero risk with her retirement portfolio.  I'm not judging her for that.  It takes all kinds.  HOWEVER, she is perpetually in my office bitching about how low the rate of return is for her retirement portfolio.  She has it invested 100% in a money market fund what the heck does she expect?! She makes me kind of want to kill myself whenever she is in my office.

Blogher discussion, again

 

So, who is going?  And does anyone want to share a room* with me?

* I am mildly gassy, and I snore a little when I've been drinking.

Prayers CAN be answered!

Perhaps you remember my annoyance with the "dude" neighbors and their giant trucks. Although I always have a hard time pulling in and out of my garage around the huge-ass truck, I had been able to do it for the last few years. Then on Sunday morning, the truck was jutting out even more than usual and as I tried to maneuver around it to drive out of my garage, yep, I scraped the side of my passenger door pretty bad. I finally got out, but I was pissed. On my way to the store, I was stewing, thinking about how I should leave the dudes a note when I got home, wondering why I had to deal with this, and Dear God wouldn't it be wonderful if they would just MOVE? Did I also mention that they come home drunk in the wee hours, barely escaping DUIs, playing music, drinking and generally being loud and obnoxious? I've hoped and prayed for them to move many times. So I get home from the store and there is a U-Haul in front of their apartment. Yes, they were moving out! By that afternoon, they were completely gone. It is highly ironic that I managed not to scrape my car for almost 3 years and the day I finally do it is the day they move out. But how glorious was it for me to drive out of my garage this morning with NO giant truck to swerve around? Heaven! What started as a peeve has ended in the best possible way. I'm not a religious person, but this almost makes me believe in God.

The same question, asked by a different Peever

What should I give up for Lent?

I'm thinking chips.  All chips - Doritos, Tortilla, Potato, Chocolate, etc.

Your thoughts?

Baby Skin

I must have baby skin.  The skirt I am wearing has a hook and eye at the top of the zipper to hold my skirt shut.  My skirt is not even remotely tight and yet the hook is irritating my skin every time it touches me. 

What's the Schmatte?

The power decided to go out (for the fourth time this morning) just as I was beginning to blow-dry my hair.  I couldn't risk missing my bus, so I had to resort to covering my very wet hair with a bandanna as I ran out the door.  Now I have to spend the day looking as though I should be hawking newspaper-wrapped pretzels on a Moscow street corner.  Very nice.

But they look so cute

I don't recommend walking around Seattle for 8.5 hours if you are wearing a pair of Chuck Taylors. Your feet will not be happy afterward. I think I may need to have my right leg amputated. 

Poop Etiquette by Proxy

Via Peeved Husband:

At my husband's office there is a man who has to poop every day around 10 AM. That's not so bad; some people are VERY regular. The weird part is that he takes off his shoes and his pants to do so. Don't worry, he doesn't put his bare feet on the floor; he uses shower shoes.

My husband swears the automatic air freshener is either fart-activated or passive-aggressive. He was pooping and cut a big fart. Immediately after, the air freshener said, "Psht!"

Peeves of Yore - phoning it in edition.

Yo, I am just back from a week in sunny Florida and my plane landed in a snowstorm.  What a fucking buzzkill.  I know it's February, and it's Buffalo, and I'm lucky the plane landed and all, but I am sick of this weather.  Also exhausted from three theme parks in five days.

Five years ago, Michelle spoke of tacos, ranch dressing, work, and being a Catholic.

Four years ago, Kate mourned the loss of a plant.

Three years ago, Rachel had an annoying encounter on an airplane.

Two years ago, Blaugra explained that she is not black.

One year ago, Jo realized she was not pretty in pink.

Dumping Ground

My dog has decided it is necessary to poop every couple of hours.  I am at work for 9 hours each day.  He hasn't been crated while we're gone for a couple of years.  I guess I'm going to be dragging that big-ass thing out again.  Or maybe I'll just tie a bag to his ass and call it a day.

I hate you Russia: UPDATE!

You might remember my recent peeve about the Mowcow Cat Circus canceling a performance I was supposed to attend. My friend did some online research and discovered why. "They canceled because the cats are being sued by a clown. ... They're in Russia and they can't leave till the court case is settled." Are you kidding me? Best reason to cancel a show EVER. What started as a peeve has become a hilarious story. Why is the clown suing? Will the cats hire a lawyer or represent themselves? Will the judge dress as a ringmaster?

Cause Celeb

I dislike it when celebrities create their own foundations for causes rather than throw their support behind existing foundations.  In a time when people are already contributing less to charities, it further divides the charity dollars and decreases the ability to help those that they are trying to help.  

Reader Peeves

Red has a couple peeves:

What damned fool allows an almost three year old child carrying a BIG bag of popcorn to wander the house unaccompanied?  The same damned fool that will now have to shop vac his entire basement living room, where the above-mentioned almost three year old child did her best impression of a snowstorm.

---

Since when does a story about a guy eating nuts or something out of a pile of bear shit qualify as reality programming, survivor-style?  (Man vs. Wild, in case you don't believe me and want to go look it up.)  I hope the guy doesn't run out of water.

If you have peeves of your own, send them in. peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com

Inappropriate

Once I peeved about my friend who complained about me posting pictures of her on Facebook but instead of just asking me to take them down, she just complained.  I took them down.  This same friend uses a picture of her cleavage and tatas (clothed at least but it is literally only her cleavage and tops of her boobs in a tank top) as her IM photo.  It annoys me and I have to hide the pic every time she IMs me. 

Why is this my job?

We have a copy center on campus who, among other things, maintains the communal copy machines - provides paper, bills us for copies, that sort of thing.  I called today because one of the communal machines is making such a god-awful racket that it has been driving me nuts for months.  (I only figured out today what the noise was because I happened to be in the same space as the copy machine when someone was using it and put the two things together.)  I called to our copy center figuring they would be responsible for the repair call.  Nope, apparently if I want it fixed I have to call.  What?  How is this my responsibility?  I suppose because it is annoying me. 

Black is the New Bitch

My stay-in-the-filing-cabinet basic black pumps that I keep in the office and wear daily (when it's yucky out, so for pretty much the past 4 months) have randomly decided to pinch my tootsies today.

They better not be disapproving of my Daisy the Pig polish.

You're a Fricking Animal

Dear Dog,

You're a damn dog. Can't you just be outside for a little while like a normal dog? It is broad daylight; raccoons do not come out during the day. I know you are getting cataracts, but you can see perfectly well during the day. So, what is it? Why are you whining and scratching at the door when you haven't even been outside for half an hour. Run around, shit on the lawn, dig up a rosebush, be a damn dog already.

Thanks,
Michelle

Love Me, Love My Shag

I have a potential date with my boyfriend's mom and two cousins this weekend. The only other time I've met the mom, she called me his ex's name and the experience ended with battery acid in his eye (and no, I didn't throw it there...this isn't "Cops" and I'm not WT). I've never met the two girl cousins he's very close with.

In preparation for a good impression, I got my eyebrows waxed, which I don't usually do even though I love the effect, b/c I have teeny eyebrows to start with. I think she made the ends way too thin. Since my brows are sorta light (I fill 'em in with shadow) they kinda seem to fade to nothing. To top it off, they are totally itching but I CAN'T touch because I always always always break out when I do get 'em waxed.

I shoulda kept my old mini caterpillars. The boy loves me, who cares if his family does too? (Yeah right, I am only tough online.)

Go away!

Yes, I heard you ring the bell. I also heard you knock a minute later. There was no need to ring the bell again, further upsetting my dog. I don't care who you are, I'm not answering the door in my underwear.

Insane in the Mucous Membrane

How funny that the category for this post is Health/Beauty when I have neither right now. Thank goodness I rarely get sick and almost never need medication when I do. Other than getting the flu a couple times in the last few years, I can't recall the last time I was sick like this.

Here is a list of sick peeves:

• I'm pregnant.

• Because I'm pregnant and my bladder control isn't what it used to be, every time I have a bad coughing fit, I pee my pants.

• Because I'm pregnant and have a sensitive gag reflex, one coughing fit caused me to puke on myself.

• Because I'm pregnant, I have to get up at least twice a night to pee. Add to that the inability to breathe through my noise and a raw sore throat and that means I am not sleeping well at all.

• The husband is also sick and he has sleep apnea so he sleeps with a CPAP machine, which gets exceptionally noisy when he is congested. As comfortable as our spare bed is, I don't really like having to sleep on it.

• We both got sick because the baby is sick and we aren't careful about germs. From now on, this house is like a hazmat containment unit.

• Because they were both on anitbiotics and my own cold took a turn for the worse Monday night, I figured I needed some, too. I called my OBGYN and left a message explaining the situation. The nurse called back to let me know that since I switched to the HMO this year, my OBGYN can no longer treat me for anything not OBGYN and I needed to call my PCP, who I haven't seen yet since I just switched to HMO January 1st. She doesn't work on Tuesdays, so I had to attend after hours urgent care at her office instead, which doesn't start until 6 PM, right about the time I was in the last stage of my death throes.

• The time I spent in urgent care was about 1/10 the amount of time I spent waiting at CVS for them to fill my prescription, which led to me crying at the counter, asking where the fuck my prescription was.

• The good news is that that baby's antibiotic kicked in right away and she is back to her usual happy self. No one else is yet.

• I am seriously considering taking the rest of the week off.

I hate you, Russia!

I had tickets to something called the Moscow Cat Circus for almost a year. I've been talking about this for months. And on my way to the Performing Arts Center on Sunday, my friend calls me to tell me they have CANCELLED. WTF??? How often do you have the opportunity to see housecats perform tricks like jumping through hoops of fire or doing kitty hand-stands on their front paws? Honestly, I don't even know what the show would have been like, but I can't express my disappointment strongly enough. Was there a problem with the feline passports? Were the cats taken ill with some contagious kitty-disease? Were they abducted by Georgian rebels? They were replaced by a performing dog act, but I refused to attend on principle.

Somebody Has A Case of the Tuesdays

I hate how my office's every other Tuesday morning staff meeting has fallen on the Tuesday after a Monday holiday twice already in 2009. 

Stupid Remakes

I love with a ridiculous love the Disney movies Escape to Witch Mountain and Return from Witch Mountain.   So I was hopeful about the potential of Race to Witch Mountain.  Should've known better.  Part of the premise behind the original two movies was that the aliens were peaceful and the humans were the problem.  Apparently in the remake it is more the other way around, like a rated PG Aliens.  Sigh.

Since I'm already logged in...

I do not like it when people use "kewl" when they really mean "cool". That's not cool.

I suck

I have been feeling way too lazy to peeve. Or do anything else that requires a whole lot of thought. Things are still irritating the crap out of me but for some reason the idea of logging in to a website and typing words exhausts me. I think I have the February blahs.

PVS

To the employees at CVS:

When I purchase a haul of vitamins, shampoo, valentines, anti-aging lotion and m&ms, and the register spits out a long receipt full of coupons, do you really have to read them all and tell me about my Extra Bucks?  Is that in the employee handbook?  "You have THREE extra bucks!  Good for you.  Oh, and coupons for Jergens, Metamucil, Poise..."   Poise!?

First of all, I can freakin' read.  Second, CVS, what have I ever purchased to make you think I'm incontinent/constipated?!  The answer: nothing.  Yet.  And even if I had either or both of those situations, the clerks don't need to broadcast it for me.

I Should Move In

350 (amount of times I've coughed or sneezed today) x 50 (oz of liquid I've had today) = 17,500 (approximate times I've gone to the bathroom today).

Next time, I'm just bringing my laptop in with me. 

Peeves of Yore: Valentine's Day Edition

Last Valentine's Day, Kate the Peon, swinging single gal, had an orgy in her kitchen, while Joanne finally discovered the identity of a secret admirer.

Two years ago, JuJuBee was bursting with love for us all.

Three years ago, the Unknown Peever cheated on her husband when she made out with a coworker. That's my guess anyway.

Four years ago, Jen14221 started the greatest love affair of her life.

Five years ago on Valentine's Day, nothing happened, but a few days later Joanne got picked up at the grocery store.

The year before, Joanne had stimulating intellectual discourse about stewardesses in love.

Reader Peeves

Supermandy has a peeve:

I do laundry as un-often as I can manage. Well, today I ran out of clothes, so off I went to the laundry room down the hall from my dorm with my ultra-full hamper only to find that all of the washers were full. I was NOT going to bring the stupid thing all the way back to my room, so I just left it there and went back 15 minutes later. I was shoving stuff into the washer when I realized my favorite pair of jeans was missing from the basket. Someone stole my jeans. 

Half an hour later, I went back to change my stuff from the washer to the dryer. Someone took all my wet clothes from the washer and had thrown them on the floor. So I had to wait AGAIN for a free washer to rewash my soiled clothing. Laundry bitches are obviously at work- can't wait to see what happens when I go back to claim my stuff from the dryer. It's probably been set on fire and thrown out a window.

Former Peever, Matthew, has a really long peeve that nearly caused him to combust today:

Dear co-worker,

I'm trying my very, very best to be helpful to you, to relieve some of the stress of working with your disorganized, demanding and slightly demented superior. I've suggested solutions. I've helped you organize data. I've walked your stupid, sorry ass through the basics of our database, focusing on the features that will make your job much easier than your current process of making and printing lists in Excel.

I've done all of this because I am, generally, a team player.

Your response has been to blame me when things go wrong, to throw drag-queen-worthy hissy fits about how you're SO busy, and to generally be a colossal pain in the ass.

Understand, now, my dear, that it's on. I'm documenting everything. EVERYTHING. And when you tell me that I didn't do what you asked me to, I'm going to prove you wrong. Publicly.

As for your hissy fits, understand this. We are all under tremendous stress. The economy is in the fucking toilet. We're all scrambling to find more business to keep ourselves afloat. We're all grinding our teeth and pulling out our hair and drinking heavily at night because of this situation. The difference is we're all showing up to work on time and working our butts off to make sure we make it. And still being nice about it.

We can replace you. Easily. A local utility posted an opening for one water meter reader and 800 people showed up to take the qualifying exam. Eight. Hundred. You are so easily replaced. Think about that the next time you decide to flip me some shit.

Stop fucking with me right now, or learn what 10% unemployment feels like.

MyBrain, It Irritates Me.

Almost everybody gets songs stuck in their heads.  I, however, am one of those lucky people with music in my head 24/7.  Apparently it is a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder (although I don't have any other signs of it besides having to group the silverware in the dishwasher compartment before I wash it).  Anyway, this is one of those days when my personal music is getting louder.  I think it's trying to distract me from thinking about how much I want to slap an annoying colleague just now.

Information Is Power(less)

On Monday I was made aware of Yapta, which is like Farecast, only Yapta tracks flights to Bismarck whereas Farecast does not, which automatically makes Yapta superior in my eyes. 

Only, now I can see that the flights I want have increased over $500 since I started tracking. $500 on top of an already exorbitant $661.

Thanks, technology, for showing me how sucky my options really are!

What is the next hoop?

I don't have Power Point on my home computer.  Once a year I need it for a Scout function.  Last year, we used someone else's computer.  I forgot that we did that and said we could use my computer.  Well I don't want to buy Power Point for this once a year thing so first I started downloading a trial of Office 07.  But that's huge and in the middle for some reason my computer decided it needed to restart and I wasn't paying attention so it did and then I was just annoyed with the whole process because I lost the place and would have to go back to Microsoft's website and whatever.

Next I did some googling and discovered that there is a Power Point reader you can download.  So I do that.  Except next I need Stuffit to open the program.  No problem I download and start to run that.  Except now I need some .net update from Microsoft.  Seriously?  Now that's downloaded and updated and I can hopefully go back to the Stuffit program and run that and be done.  At least we'll be ready for next year.

Update:  After all that I discovered two things.  One I still couldn't get the program I downloaded to work.  Two, Microsoft has a Power Point Reader I could download and just use straight from them.  Arrgghh.

Unappreciated Sarcasm

Cell phone rings loudly.

Coworker 1 runs through the office to get loudly ringing cell phone on his desk near Coworker 2 and me.

Coworker 2: Good thing it's so loud you could hear it all the way over there.

Me: Yeah, good thing. I'm really happy about it.

Coworker 1 regards me suspiciously. Coworker 2 chuckles.

Breaking News

I just choked on French vanilla flavored coffee and spewed it all over my keyboard and monitor. It's disgusting. 

You are the first to know, I could think of nobody who would need to know this more than you.