The Peevery

Can't stop, no speaky English

Within the span of two blocks, I was accosted by four different people asking me to join their particular causes today: Greenpeace, some organization to save street kids, the ACLU and some organization trying to get people to support public transportation.

I hate being approached by strangers this way. People, this is not a good way to endear me to your cause.

Peeves of Yore

One year ago, Kate was having a real panty problem.

Two years ago, Blaugra had some issues with Lane Bryant. 

Three years ago, Joanne did not care about Brangelina OR American Idol.

Four years ago, Michelle became Peeved Michelle!

Five years ago, Michelle and Joanne were the only peevers peeving (with an occasional peeve from Heather).

Job Interview Peeve

I hate it when I get a call from a headhunter who obviously has a copy of my resume in front of his stupid face and still makes me go through my job history and education in excruciating detail, inlcuding dates.  "So when did you get your Master's degree?", he asks.  Look the resume, jackass, it's right there.  And where have I been working for the last year?  See that?  The job listed right at the top?  That's where I work.

I AM a Golden Goose

I left my desk to go help someone at theirs. When I came back, I saw a white feather on my chair.

If I'm turning into a bird, please God, let me shit gold eggs.

No More Sandwiches, PLEASE!

A real conversation with my boss yesterday:

Boss:  What are your dietary restrictions?
Me: No wheat, rye, oats or barely.
Boss: What does that mean in terms of sandwiches?
Me: No sandwiches.  Salads are okay with no croutons. 

Seriously, why does every lunch meeting held at my employer's have to be sandwiches?

I'm Not Flirting

I have one dry eye so I keep winking at my computer monitor.

Photo Fail

I've been trying to upload a photo to a website.  The instructions indicate that the photo should be a jpeg and under 5 MB.  According to the properties of the photo I have been trying to upload it is a jpeg and only 416 KB (a KB is smaller than a MB correct?).  What the fuck am I doing wrong?!

Plug This.

Every workday morning, my bus passes by an enormous billboard featuring an ethereal redhead who looks like she just escaped from Riverdance.  Across her porcelain countenance, childish white fuzzy letters spell out, "I WILL UNPLUG STUFF MORE." 

I cannot say exactly why, but the combination of message and model makes me frantically want to plug in STUFF.  A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF.

OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wiped some freaking crumbs off my desk and got a paper cut across the top of my index finger right under the nail. I'm going home before the printer bursts into flames and gives me third degree burns.

Blueberry Explosion

No, this is not a post about farts.

This morning I tore my blueberry scone in half expecting it to have the consistency of a day old muffin but nope, it was more like a month old muffin. It was very crumbly and flaky and the scone was destroyed upon impact, huge crumbs flew every which way- onto my keyboard, into my coffee, all over my desk, into my hair, down my shirt.

Would it be gross to eat the crumbs I pick out of my bra?

Netflux.

My wonderful dad gave me a Netflix renewal for Christmas.  Because Netflix had sent me a gift confirmation, I ignored their e-mails asking for money to renew our subscription.  Netflix then suspended our account until my husband paid it, figuring that my dad's payment had simply not been processed in time.

Turns out Netflix created a whole new account with my dad's payment info and didn't apply the renewal to our current account.  Another fine mess to straighten out with clueless phone reps.

Peer Pressure

I love a snowy day, the peace and quiet, the fact that my employer allows me to work at home on days like this in the northeast.  (I do not live in Buffalo.)

I'm holding out on shoveling snow because it's just going to turn to slush this afternoon so I want to let nature go because snow shoveling is the least appealing way to use my energy.  And then the slush will turn to ice and I can just throw ice melt on it.  Yeah, I'm lazy.

Then my fucking neighbor gets out his monster snowblower and fanatically works on his sidewalk for two hours.  Not only has this interrupted my peace and quiet, now I feel like an even bigger slacker and like I need to change out of my warm flannel jammies and go out in the freezing rain because I already have the title of worst neighbor in the 'hood for not shoveling after the last storm.  Waaah.

Well, aren't you special?

There is no "x" in the word "especially." 

Avoid Me Today, For Your Own Good

Before you tell me that I live in Buffalo, so I just need to accept it...I KNOW. I know I live in snow country and I know it gets cold here in the winter but it's really pissing me off that I could see my driveway yesterday for the first time in a month and I wake up this morning to another 4 or so inches covering everything and it's NOT done yet, not by a long shot. I'm sick of cold and sick of snow and sick of coats and gloves and scarves and hats. I need a vacation.

It's Greek to me.

(I've always wanted to use that a a post title.)

I had a delicious chicken sandwich for lunch at a Greek diner.  The tzatziki sauce was so garlicky that I can't get the taste out of my mouth.  Icky.

If Pregnancy Were a Contest

Dooce would have bested me in another round: the Giant Boob Round. Her boobs are, apparently, enormous. Mine still fit into my regular bras. I guarantee I would win the Amount of Unwanted Facial Hair Round, though.

Happy Freaking Birthday and Yes, I'll Be There

I have two peeves in one today.

I am not pleased about the whole birthday wall post thing on Facebook. I am considering paying someone to build an application that automatically generates a witty and clever Happy Birthday wall post for your friends. (My birthday is not visible on my profile so that I save my "friends" from this anguish.)

I am also tired of Evite RSVP pressure. My friends tend to all have very smart and funny responses to Evites and sometimes I just want to say that I'll be there without having to think too hard.

I am so lazy.

Lame

Not only am I sitting at home playing solitaire on my computer on a Friday night but I am highly irritated about the fact that this solitaire game doesn't tell me when I don't have any moves left. I could theoretically sit here all night shuffling through this one stupid deck of cards until I felt like dealing again. Lame.

Seriously, can I get anything right today?

I set a bowl of green beans on fire as I was heating them in the microwave.

Kmart Can Suck It

I was wondering why I drive across town to go to Target when Kmart is just around the corner and usually cheaper. This is why: they only had one of the two things I needed (no Bounce unscented dryer sheets) and I ripped a hole in one of my few maternity tops on one of their shitty, outdated shopping carts. To make things worse the hole is front and center; not remotely fixable or able to be hidden.

Whoa, Mama.

My mother just got a Facebook account.

Memo to Co-workers

Leave me alone so I can finish off this bag of milk chocolate Milanos in peace.

Lights Out

My favorite stall (the handicapped one behind the door, not facing the mirrors) in the bathroom closest to my desk has had a lighting issue all week. I still prefer to use that one, since one of the others flushes weird and I feel people at the sink can totally see into the other stalls.

Would you think it's weird if you walked into a work bathroom and found someone was peeing in the dark?

Peeves of Yore: My tooth hurts

Did you know I have a toothache?  It's painful.  Running with that theme, here's some peeves from the past, all referring to dental health and hygiene:

Awhile back, JuJu had no problems but was busy helping to fuck up her daughter's teeth.  Later on, she broke her tooth on some cheese.  JuJu - stick to a nice soft brie from now on, okay?

Hazel once needed a second trip to fix her cracked filling, and nearly OD'd on Motrin.

Michelle regretted not saving her money for a gold tooth, and later fired her dentist!

Two years ago, Kate went from jagged to curved, and could not decide which she liked better.

In November of 2007, Blaugra decided to go back to Crest and cruelty to animals.

Last summer, Nikki burned the hell out of her mouth with a new kind of Crest.

Melissa once had a real issue wth Mentadent.  Perhaps she has since switched to Crest?

And in a real blast from the past, Ian peeved in his own very special way about his desire to never need dental work ever again.

Reader Peeves

Erin has a peeve:

It should be against the law to wear any type of perfume if you are the person who stands at the exit at any Sam's Club with a highlighter. I had to inhale the noxious old lady fumes while it took her five minutes to count the seven items in my cart.

Pandora Fail

I have to change from my beloved Launch to another method of streaming music while I'm at work.  Michelle, and others, have raved about Pandora so I tried them out today. On the one hand, I like the music the system has been giving me based on my preferences.  On the other, the fact that at least every other song cuts off about half way through is annoying the crap out of me.  It is probably some Flash issue which I can't resolve since I don't have administrator rights to my computer.  If that is the case, it reaffirms what I always say... I HATE FLASH!

I'm Putting USA Network on Notice!

I am thrilled that USA is running multiple "Burn Notice" marathons, as I can now catch up on everything that ran before we got our satellite dish.  But I am puzzled by the network's decision to show the episodes out of sequence.  Not that it really makes all that much difference -- Michael will get a little closer to finding the one-armed man guy who "burned" him, Sam will swagger and drink a lot, Fiona will be World's Perkiest Psycho Ex, Ma will chain-smoke -- but the media programmer in me is vaguely irked.

Someone call maintenance!

There is blood and pooh splattered on on of the toilets in the ladies room here at work.

Another food peeve

I get a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on an English muffin just about once a week from Dunkin' Donuts.  It's hearty, cheap, and the calories and protein ratio are pretty good. 

 

And every time I get it, just about 10 minutes after I've finished the last bite, I get really sick.

Who am I, Blaugra? 

Suck it, IBM

My crappy ThinkPad bit it and I had to replace the hard drive and now I'm in the process of rebuilding my computer and adjusting all of the settings and it is painstaking to say the least.

You know you have a small head when...

...when your friend gives you some sunglasses from Gymboree that were originally for her 7-year old and they FIT you. I have the world's tiniest head and it's really hard to find hats or glasses that are small enough. Children's hats and glasses usually fit my wee noggin. Remember on Kids in the Hall when they crush your head? You wouldn't have to squint to crush my head. It's already that small. And do I have a petite body to match? No. I have broad shoulders and a giant ribcage. Totally out of proportion. Oh and my calves? Too big to fit regular boots. My body is weird.

Courtesy, my ass!

All day I've been wondering why my office isn't receiving emails. I checked everything I could think of and then called support.  The guy said that my office's domain registration had expired three days ago. 

I expressed kindly to the helpful man in India that I would have appreciated a notice about the expiration of the domain name, especially since I receive renewal notices for the other three products I have with them.  

I was getting ready to write a nastygram the company when I noticed in the account history that two years ago I had approved the transfer of the domain registration to a subcontractor or third party or something, and they have 22 pages of terms and conditions. 

One of the terms includes, "While we may send out renewal notices as a courtesy you are solely responsible for timely and valid renewals" and "You shall not make any complaint or challenge against" the company.  I know, I know, I agreed to it and I didn't read all 22 fucking pages, I just handed them money, and I probably suck at my job, but this optional courtesy is fucking bullshit. 

I really hate paying the bills.

Actually, as I was saying to a friend this weekend, it isn't paying the bills I hate as much as it is just dealing with the barrage of mail. This particular pile of mail had been on the table since before Thanksgiving. I pulled out important things (mostly) and Christmas cards as they came in, but everything else just sat on the dining room table, taunting me. I need a system. Clearly.

Click on the picture to see the notes in Flickr that describe each of the piles and bags.

Reader Peeves

Red has a couple peeves:

Why would my daughter think that my 36" TV is the best place to practice writing her name with red crayons?  Probably the same reason her little sister sneaks out finger paints and decorates her bedroom floor.

---
 
Why is that every time I want a cup of coffee at work I have to brew a new pot?  There are three pots and three warmers, premeasured bags of coffee, and the coffee maker is hooked up to its own water line.  You only have to press a button.  If you drink the last cup out of the pot, make another one.  And no, leaving an eighth of an ounce in the pot does not mean that you didn't finish the goddam pot.  Lazy fuckers.

Wishing I Had Answered the Call

My work phone just rang and caller ID showed it was the Department of Education calling. I figured my student loan payment was probably late again (though they have never called before), so I sent it to voice mail and logged in to pay my bill. My account page shows both of my loans are paid in full, but I am pretty sure I had at least a $10K balance left. The Department of Education did not leave me a message. Mysterious!

Toothache

I had my regular six-month dental checkup a few weeks ago, and I told them that I had some mild pain and discomfort on the top left-hand side.  The hygenist said she'd have the dentist check it out.

In the 20 seconds the dentist actually peered into my mouth and chirped 'nothing wrong here!' , I thought that maybe I was imagining that pain in my mouth.

Today?  I can barely close my mouth all the way.  Forget eating.  Ouch.

Also ouch:  No dental insurance.

Have a Valentine's Peeve? Send it in.

All you poor little grumpkins who hate Valentine's Day, send me your peeves. I will be posting a special edition of Peeves of Yore/Reader Peeves on Valentine's Day. Send them to peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com.

Take a Deep Breath

Sneaky people piss me off.  Unethical, sneaky people piss me off and make me want to cause bodily harm.  I am on the verge of "out of control."

Yawnzzz

I seriously cannot stop yawning. I feel like I am going to pop my jaw off if I don't stop.

I'm telling you, this is disgusting.

The delicious hot and sour Thai soup, it has set ablaze my sphincter.

Home Creepo

I went to our local Home Depot to have some boards cut to fit our kitchen shelving unit.  The approximate measurements I needed were 12 3/4" x 15 1/2".  I picked out some boards and told the kid working the vertical panel saw what I needed.  He confirmed the measurements twice with me before feeding my boards into the saw.  However, when I got them home, I found that the boards had been cut into two 11-inch wide pieces and two 13-inch wide pieces.  Since this was not what I had ordered, and since the smaller pieces were totally unusable, I went back to exchange the boards and have new cuts made. 

First I went to Customer Service, who gave me a five-minute speech on why my measuring requirements were unreasonable, why I should be happy with anything close to what I had requested (even though Saw Boy confirmed my measurements twice and gave no indication that the work couldn't be done), and why they couldn't take back cut lumber.  Customer Service then sent me to Returns, who gave me a three-minute version of the same speech and told me a supervisor had to be consulted.  The Returns clerk picked up the phone and had a long conversation with...Customer Service, who had sent me to her in the first place.  Finally, the Home Depot gods allowed me to pick out new boards.  I went to the cutting station, only to find it vacant.  Back at Returns, I told the clerk what had happened.  She went into a fit of sighing and eye-rolling, and then she took away the old wrongly-cut boards and told me they would "call it even" (presumably, if I would just get out of the store with my new boards and stop being such a demanding bitch).

Thanks to nearby Orchard Supply Hardware, I now have an adorable small jigsaw and a far greater appreciation for any entity that is not Home Depot.

Chew On This

Why is it that after years of chewing, suddenly gum annoys my gag reflex if I chew the same piece for too long? We're talking about a 20min time frame before I want to hurl.

Are you 4 years old?

If I tell you that you don't qualify unless you have factor x, and you say you have factor x, but you don't even know what factor x is, and I find out that the government says you don't have factor x so I tell you that you don't qualify because you don't have this factor x, all your dramatic whining and playing dumb isn't going to qualify you.  In my little world, I have put you in time out.  

Coming Summer 2009

A list of things I will do shortly after this baby is born:

1. Drive the husband home from his vasectomy
2. Eat goat cheese (chevre = yum)
3. Drink rum
4. Get my teeth whitened
5. Start electrolysis treatments on the chin hairs I have sprouted thanks to two pregnancies
6. Roast myself in a sauna and/or jacuzzi
7. Eat cold pepperoni, salami, and provolone sandwiches
8. Lose 20 lbs.
9. Try not to gain it back

She/he never ceases to amaze me.

I love how my senior co-worker chooses my busiest crunch time of the year to say, "I'd like to talk with you about a few projects..." 

It's not like he/she doesn't know what I'm working on, and it doesn't seem to matter that I tell her/him to back the fuck off or else I'll cleanly slice off his/her head with my big machete.

Re: Peevery Christmas Presents

They went out on Monday except for the one to Rachel in Canada and the one to AmyAnne in the next town over from me. Rachel, yours required an in-person hand-off to a postal worker because of the customs slip, so my sister is mailing it sometime this week. Amy, I didn't want to spend $1.17 on postage when I can drop it off to you on my way home one night. Now, I just have to remember to actually put it in the car.

Buggy

I do not like the Gmail widget for iGoogle. It is buggy and halfway through doing most things, I have to launch the full Gmail program. Annoying.

Breaking Dawn

About 20 years ago I was really good friends with a girl named Dawn. We grew apart for a lot of reasons [one being that she thought my boyfriend was "the devil"] but we ran into each other last year.  Dawn was always an over-sharer, but even so, I was thrown by the amount of information she immediately provided upon seeing each other for the first time in 20 years:

 "I'm a lesbian now!  Sex with women is SO much better than with men! I can't wait to tell you all about it!  However I've had a restraining order on my ex-girlfriend. I spent a few weeks in the psych ward!  And I drink too much! I'm licensed in massage therapy, I can come to your house and give you a massage, just give me a call!" 

I decided then and there that I didn't want to rekindle our friendship.  Dawn was a freakin' mess, plus I ended up marrying "the devil" and didn't want to hear her shit about that.  So, I took her number she handed to me but didn't give her mine. 

And here's the peeve: she has since called my parents a few times and babbled to them, and sometimes she's obviously drunk. 

My parents, bless their hearts, refuse to give her my phone number and I don't think Dawn has a phone book.  She may even live in a van down by the river with access only to a pay phone, I don't know.  So they take a message from her and pass it along to me, the most recent being, "Dawn says she wants you to have a happy new year."  They say they don't care whether or not she calls them because they're retired and really good at deflecting unwanted phone callers, and that I shouldn't call her back.  But I'm thinking I should because I'm really irritated that she keeps calling my parents.  I can't do it without being really bitchy, though.  Girl needs help but I can't step into this. 

Peevers, what would you do?

My Landlady, She Sucks

What would possess a property owner to decide to paint a house in January?  Why would she not inform her tenants until 8:00 the night before the work is to begin?  And why, in the name of all that is wonderful, would she hire the crackhead thief down the block to help out? 

Bitch got paint all over my new doormat, too.  The one I've had less than a week. 

Nice Visual

It's that time of year again.  The "feet-get-cold-then-thaw" time when the sweat generated on the soles of my feet eat away the skin like the chemicals used to remove paint.  I love winter.