The Peevery

New Years Eve Lame-nosity

My husband and I have not gone out for New Years Eve since 2001. How lame is that, especially since we didn't start having kids until 2003?

Well, this year, I got a sitter, made reservations and lost 55 pounds.  We had big plans!  And then I was struck down by the biggest motherfucking kidney stone in history, and it's all out the window.

New plan:  frozen pizza and the Backyardigans on TV.  I am old before my time.

Just To Be Annoying

People who preface statements with, "Just to be argumentative..." really suck.

Shut yer hole, no one wants to argue with your clueless virginal haircut anyway.

Is that a mermaid on your ass?

My almost two year old daughter is obsessed with anything that sticks. She is also obsessed with pretty animated characters. For Christmas this year she received about a bajillion sheets of stickers of all shapes and sizes and has been wandering around the house sticking them on everything.

This morning when I got to work, one of my co-workers said, "Um, you have a giant mermaid on your ass". Funny, I stood in line for coffee with about ten people behind me, probably staring at the giant Ariel sticker on my ass and nobody said anything. I am one of those people who will discreetly find a way to tell people that they have lettuce between their teeth or that their fly is down. Why are people so afraid to talk to each other?

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Time for this peever to take a bow and say goodbye. Thanks PM; it's been a fun ride. 

Answer: A Really Inconsiderate Person, That's Who

I can't believe I have to go in to the office tomorrow for an all-day meeting. What kind of person schedules that kind of meeting during the week between Christmas and New Year's? Especially after I said, "As long as nothing is going on, I plan to work from home Monday and Tuesday." I would have taken those days as vacation days but there is another person at work who would have taken my absence as an opportunity to blame me for him not being able to do his job. These are the winners I work with.

Open Peeves

If you have a peeve, send it in and I will post it next week. Send to peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com.

Max has a peeve: 

Not funny: 

Martin Short 
Dane Cook 
Judy Gold 
Martin Lawrence 
Jon Lovitz 
Michael Rappaport 
"Friends" 
John Leguizamo 

I think that without these, the world would be a more humorous place.

Craigslist is too good for her.

No need for a garage sale when you could just give all your unwanted crap to my daughter and call it a "special treat." The special treats she's received over the past 3 months include a worn out oven mitt that smells of burnt toast, a brass reindeer that is tarnished and has a frayed ribbon around it's neck and a free with purchase clinique mirror from 1970.

The Peevery Christmas Giveaway

Bumping this up to the top. FYI, you have until Christmas Day to sign up. I will send these out the week after Christmas.

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The Peevery is sending out Christmas presents this year! If you would like to receive a gift from the Peevery all you have to do is donate to the charity of your choice.

Well, that isn't ALL you have to do. In order to get your present you must also do the following two things:

1. Comment on this post with the name of the charity to which you donated and a link to their site. You don't have to disclose your donation amount if you don't want to.

2. Email me at peevedmichelle at yahoo dot come with your name and mailing address, even if you know I already have your address. Also include your user name from your comment so I know who is who.

Full of the Christmas Spirit

I was in Whole Foods waiting for my groceries to be rung up and bagged. I noticed a narrow side door and asked the cashier if that was an exit since it was much more convenient to my parking spot than the main doors. She said that I could use it, that is marked as an emergency exit but that no alarm would go off. 

Once my cart was loaded, I wheeled off toward the door. A "my kids only eat organic soy" type and her two daughters approached the door. The mom said something about "emergency exit" and they turned back around. I said, "The cashier just told me I could use that door," thinking they would turn back around and go out the door. This lovely, lovely gem of woman said, "Good for you." 

GOOD FOR YOU. 

She then proceeded to barely move out of the way and watch me as tried to maneuver my cart around her and out the narrow door. I made a big show of barely having enough room to get out and said, "Thanks for the help," over my shoulder as I let the door slam in her face.

Big. Yellow. Letters.

Attention idiot drivers on Washington Bld. in Venice, CA: The 4 foot tall bright yellow letters painted onto the road spell out the words, "KEEP CLEAR". That means that you should not drive into this space and sit there so that other cars can not get through. I promise you, you will not get to where you are going any faster by being assholes.

Smoke Gets in my Eyes

When I get home from work in the evenings, my neighborhood often has a pleasant smell of wood smoke, or perhaps barbecue.

 

This morning on the bus, I overheard a man revealing that tasty aroma’s source to his seatmate.

 

The local Neptune Society’s crematorium.

 

It’s about a mile from my house, in the same general area as the grocery store, Home Depot, and our favorite diner. 

 

Time to move? 

 

Help Me. Save Me. Please!

How am I supposed to make it through another lame day at the factory when my Facebook account is "temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance?"

Fake It Til You Make It

I hate when people are so obviously NOT working from home, despite their announcement of working from home.

Shit!

When I wake up earlier than my usual schedule, I can't poop.  My clothes don't fit well because I'm full of poop.  My body decides it needs to poop later in the morning during an uncomfortable work moment and I have to bolt to the rest room.

Resistence is Futile

Peeved Michelle has been singing the praises of Pandora to me for quite some time.  She lurves it.  I've resisted because I've been building my Launch station for the past eight years.  Starting February Launch apparently has been absorbed by CBS.  When that happens, I lose my station and its commercial free status.  I won't have to pay anymore, but, yay, commercials instead.  I've said it before, I hate reformulations.  

Open Peeves: Mother-in-Law Edition

Julie had a couple peeves:

Mother-In-Law Peeves
 
1.  This is a bit delayed, but I have been busy.  Two days before Thanksgiving, after 18 hours of labor I gave birth to a healthy baby.  My insane mother-in-law kept asking me if I was going to be cooking dinner for Thanksgiving, and if I was going to be having everyone over to my house.  Really? 
 
2.  After said 18 hours of labor, I had approximately 2 hours of sleep.  After visitors all day, my mother-in-law comes back in the late evening for a second visit with the baby.  My husband was out getting photos developed, purposefully so I could sleep.  After witnessing that I can hardly stay awake, my mother-in-law's husband says "we should go, Julie looks tired", to which she replies "no, I am not ready, and we are not here to see Julie".  Nice.  I really loathe this woman.

Also, congratulations to Julie on her baby!

Do you have a blog?

Once upon a time, I read all of your blogs and commented on them regularly. I even linked to them in sidebar. Then, a very common thing happened - I started something that I didn't finish. I started reading blogs in an RSS reader, but as I was transferring them from my del.icio.us list to the reader, I got interrupted and never went back to it.

Anyway, I would still like to read your blog and I bet lots of other people would, too. If you want us to read your blog, post a link in the comments. I have turned on URL linking, so you just have to post the URL and it will automatically turn into a link.

Oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot - if you want us to follow you on Twitter, post your Twitter link, too. You can follow me (boring) and the Peevery (feed with links to posts).

It's gonna be a long day.

I get hormally-induced clumsiness each month. True. 

I'm not a graceful person anyway, so the hormones just fuck with me even more.  Today I dropped my mascara in the toilet, tripped in a parking lot and slammed my leg into my desk which I'm sure will produce a lovely bruise.  It's only 10 am. 

No Snow Day

My morning DJ said that basically if you don't have to leave your home you shouldn't today.  This was coming straight from DOT.  My employer (a college) is not closed today.  Since I walk to work I don't really have the dangerous drive excuse to not come but I would wager at least 3 of my coworkers don't come in today. 

Bah Humbug

Working in retail has ruined my Christmas spirit. Amazon has ruined my Christmas spirit. Money has ruined my Christmas spirit. Lack of any wine in the house has ruined my Christmas spirit. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Email signatures are the new bumper sticker.

If it has nothing to do with your email message, I don't want to know about your honor roll student, your upwardly mobile pampered chef business or your progress with weight watchers. Your email signature should not ever be 11 lines long.

Environmentally Unconscious

I have a prescription to take two pills a day.  Usually my refills come in these nice bottles and I just shake two pills out.  This time, the pills came in boxes.  In each box is four sheets of pills.  Each pill is individually sealed in a little blister pack.  To get into the blister pack, I have to tear the paper off the back and then push the pill through the foil.  It's no wonder I am lucky I manage to take them twice a week tops.  (Luckily I don't take them for something really important like pregnancy prevention or a heart condition or something.)

It's You

If you have a problem with every single person in my department, yet we get along with everyone else in the company, I can pretty safely say that you are the problem, not us.

Farty McFartson

I have gas.  Really bad.  I hope no one stops by my cubicle.

Step aside!

I was just at the post office with about 500 people and the woman in front of me had a pile of envelopes to mail. She:

1. Made the clerk count all of her envelopes instead of knowing how many stamps she needed.

2. Paid for her stamps with a check (but didn't hand over the check until she had carefully marked the expense in her check log).

3. Stood there and stamped each envelope instead of walking over to a table to stamp them all.

4. Refused to step aside when the clerk asked her to. She ignored him, finished stamping them and then walked away with the letters sprawled all over the counter.

Would it have been a federal offense to scoop up all of her envelopes and throw them at her head?

I am unreasonably pissed off and had to write this extra-strength peeve.

A local charitable organization put out a call for items needed for their foster child care program. They said they wanted duffel bags full of stuff for kids ages 10-15, personal care items and little gifts, for them to take to a new foster home. 

I talked to the organization's director about what exactly they wanted in the bag, and since I don't have many kids to buy gifts for I thought it would be fun to splurge and pack a bag of stuff for an adolescent girl.  I imagined the girl going through the bag looking at the hair accessories, notebooks, lip gloss, gloves, socks, and other practical items and thinking, "Well, my situation is fucked up but people care about me." 

So today after lunch I drove to the organization's office and was excited to see what they were like. 

I said, "Hi,  I'm responding to your request in the newspaper for duffel bags full of stuff for your foster care program."  The receptionist looked at me like I had a monkey sitting on top of my head.  I explained it again.  She said, "Hmmmm...let me call someone."  

Honk, sniffle, splat, eeeuuwww.

Tiny Husband gave me his cold, the day before I have to start my accelerated work schedule to cover holiday time. 

If only I hadn't chickened out of smothering him while he slept last Saturday...

Gambling With Your Job

I was reading this article about Best Buy offering buyout packages to most of their corporate employees. It sounds like they are going to see how many people take the buyout then restructure and lay off people if necessary. The way the economy is right now, I don't think I would take a buyout if my company offered it. I would take my chances on being necessary to the company and avoiding layoff during the restructuring. It would be very difficult for me to find a new job in my industry. My company is in better shape than most local companies in the same industry and even we have a hiring freeze.

Blah

I suffered from a stomach ache from 6pm until at least 2am when I fell asleep last night.  Some burning, some pain, some nauseousness.  I HATE stomach ailments because I can never find any meds that provide relief.  I knew I shouldn't have had those loaded fries for lunch and the Fritos, dip and onion rings for dinner.

Dead Air

I was listening to Loveline on the radio last night while wrapping Christmas presents.  (Sidenote, that's nice holiday spirit... listening to people talk about herpes while wrapping my 12 year old niece's hoodie.) The radio station ended up with dead air no fewer than 4 times during the 40 minutes or so I was listening.  The worst time there was silence for about 4 minutes.  That's an excrutiatingly long time.  I guess I should be grateful since it was in the breaks from the syndicated show to commercials that I was missing out on, but seriously... the switch at the station can't be that difficult.

Growing Old

Once upon a time I could swallow a vitamin without having to drink any water.  Just now, I tried to take two asprin with water and totally got them stuck in my throat and sputtered a bit before I managed to swallow them.  I still have the taste of them in the back of my throat. Blech.    

The Girl Who Cried Jackass Too Many Times

A certain relative of mine is married to a jackass. She thinks about leaving him every now and then. She actually did leave him once for a couple days. Now, it seems like she is on the verge of leaving him again. When she wants to leave him, she says all the things about him that the rest of us are thinking all the time. When she decides to go back to him, she talks about him as if he is personally responsible for making the earth turn on its axis. So, perhaps you can understand why I was rolling my eyes so hard that I nearly sustained an eye injury last night while she was trashing her husband to anyone who would listen. By the time Christmas rolls around, I know I am going to have to pretend to be nice to that jackass again.

Where's the Beef?

Apparently the new definition of "vegetarian" is a person who doesn't eat red meat. Because chicken and fish? Totally not meat.

Drat! Foiled again!

I attempted to take a quick nap at work.  I was so tired.  Nobody was on my floor and I didn't expect anybody to return for an hour.  I set my alarm for a 20-minute siesta.  As soon as I had gotten horizontal on a couch and closed my eyes, one of my tattletale co-workers came back early and foiled my plan.  Fucker.

Candy Man

When you lay off an employee, I think you should do so without a lollipop in your mouth. Especially when you're a 50-year-old man who is not Willy Wonka.

Open Peeves

So many peeves sent in by readers this week! I guess I should remind you every time I post open peeves that you, the wonderful, frustrated and irritated reader of the Peevery, can send in your own peeves and I will post them! Send to peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com. If you want me to link your name to your blog, be sure to include the URL.

Red has a peeve:

Esteemed United States Senators

How can you deny automakers a relative pittance while throwing everything including the solid gold kitchen sink at banks and insurance companies that were just as dysfunctional except on a much larger scale?  If your level of concern falls with an entity's relative value, I guess 99.99999999999% of us are fucked.  Merry Christmas to you, too, and thanks for your concern.  Assholes.

Aeirlys has a peeve:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I volunteered for your campaign. I donated money, I made phone calls, I alienated all my friends by talking up your campaign. I even drove to freaking Nevada to knock on doors. But, so help me god, if you send me one more freaking email asking for money I will donate my life savings to the Republican National Convention. I'm not even kidding.

You're the President-Elect, not a busker in the subway. Start acting like it.

Thanks,
Aeirlys

Max has a couple peeves:

What are these stupid WTBS advertisements that are fake stand up comedy?  Whoever approved these ought not to have a job right now.  The jokes do not come within 100 miles of humor, and the "audience" is full of braying morons.  In a way I feel sorry if these are actors and they have to pretend like they are having a nice time at a comedy club.  Sheesh.

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I notice more companies use the word "generous" to describe themselves.  For example, Continental Air talks about their "generous" frequent flier miles.  A restaurant near to me lists their wines on the menu, and highlights their "generous 6 oz pour".  Does it make any sense to describe your own actions as generous?  If you are seeking praise for doing something then isn't that more like selfishness than like generosity?

Hank has a couple peeves:

FYI, dispose your dirty/used kleenex in the garbage can (key word here is: GARBAGE) not the counter or on top of filing cabinets.

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Please stop crunching, snorting, and kicking your desk; the office is small.

Rocky - 1; Shower Curtain - 0

Upon reflection, replacing our worn heavy-duty shower curtain liner with a cheap thin one was a stupid move.  Rocky the Wonder Kitten, who is unnaturally fascinated with the bathtub, decided the new flimsy liner was a fascinating toy.  It now sports a ragged hole the size of a dinner plate, along with several smaller perforations. 

The new fabric liner's cost is coming out of his allowance.

Ow.

I have an earache.

I also have a 6am flight tomorrow.

I also have a holiday party - natch, my ONLY holiday party, and it's for work - today that I may have to miss in order to get in and see my cranky doctor so that my eardrum doesn't blow up on United Flight 707.

Informally Yours

Sometimes I need to formally address written correspondence on my job.  Ms. Smith. Mr. Jones. Dr. Feelgood. 

Often I need to respond to someone whose name doesn't tell me whether they're a Mr. or a Ms.  This  is mildly irritating.  How dare they have names like:  Loris, Jan, Lee, Jamie, Sky, Alex, Harley, Dana?!   Whenever I make a guess, I'm wrong. 

So I have to be all familiar, which is fine, except they usually address me as Ms. Something and I like to keep it formal until we get to a place where we can keep it real.  You know?  

Case of the Disappearing Bun

Why is it impossible for me to eat a burger without losing the bottom portion of the bun halfway through the meal?

My answer would have been, "Yes."

If I am sitting at my desk with my headphones on, a half-eaten sandwich in front of me, one bite of which is still in my mouth, the first words out of your mouth should be, "Sorry to interrupt your lunch. Would you like me to come back later?"

Bake This, Bitch

I get that the bake sale taking place in the office today was a fund raiser for a guy who passed away this year. That doesn't justify the need for E I G H T separate emails - in the course of three hours - telling us the status of sales or the silent auction updates.

Drama in the Suburbs

I belong to a Bunco group. We play once a month and each person takes a turn hosting it at her house. On Friday, we had our December game. We decided to do a gift exchange afterward. We agreed we would spend $20 on a gift and exchange them white elephant style, with the stealing and all that. I spent $20 on what I thought was a fun, Christmasy gift. What I pulled out from the under the tree when it was my turn to choose was a bag containing two used coin purses. I was clearly disappointed. I asked who gave it. It was one of the subs, a friend of the hostess. I realized the hostess probably told her white elephant gift exchange but didn't tell her we were doing new presents worth $20, so I shut it. The sub realized pretty soon what the deal was and, when it was her turn, she took the present from me. When it was the hostess's turn, she took the coin purses from the sub, as she should have since it was her fault.

Last night, I got this big dramatic email from another member, who is good friends with the hostess. She is quitting the Bunco group because of the ungracious behavior of the rest of us, and shame on us for causing such embarrassment to the hostess's friend, and how very kind and noble of the hostess to take the present so as to save her friend from the very rude behavior of the rest of us.

OH MY GOD.

Suck it, CBS

I really don't understand CBS's online video strategy. For someone like me, who does not have TV service, displaying only clips of shows to me (nearly every show in their line-up now) or two random episodes from last season and one random episode from this season (Numb3rs), just pisses me off. Clips can't entice me to tune in every week because I don't have TV. For someone like Joanne, who does have TV and even records shows she might miss (with - GASP - a VCR), it pisses her off, too. She does tune in to things each week, but occasionally she misses something and would like to catch it online.

The worst part is that I think they displayed full episodes of shows online at the beginning of this season to hook people, then stopped, hoping people would then tune in to keep watching. I thought they were finally catching on to this whole internet thing, but it was just a dirty trick that made me hate them even more.

CBS, you are falling behind the times. It may seem like you are giving it away for free, but consumption is consumption, and with the economy such as it is, alienating viewers seems like a risky strategy.

Does Typepad have a bad case of the hiccups?

Dear Typepad,

Do you really need to autosave my post every 30 seconds?  What I'm saying is nothing I won't remember if I lose 30 seconds of writing time. The little hiccups and hourglass icon that interrupt my flow are starting to annoy me.

Sincerely, blaugra

Open Peeves

If you have peeves of your own, send them to me: peevedmichelle at yahoo dot com. If you want me to link to your name to your blog, be sure to include the URL.

Red has a couple peeves:

Both of my hometown major league teams suck at a deafening volume right now.  Both teams started the season on fire, raised expectations, and then proceeded to dash them on the rocks of piss poor play.  And no, having a really good professional lacrosse team does not help.
 
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It would be nice if my kids ate something besides pasta, pizza, bananas, and breakfast cereal.  At least they're licking carrots as they get that other important food, ranch dressing.

Elegant, Smellegant

It's hard to be elegant at work when you have explosive diarrhea.

Bookish

I hate when the book store has a "Buy one, get one for 50% off" sale and there is one book that I really, really want to read but not a second book on the entire table that seems worth reading or gifting. Bloody hell.

Make a Damn List

There were three things I had to remember before leaving for work today. I had to change the laundry so that the baby would have clean socks when the husband got her dressed later. I had to empty the mailbox since it was at capacity. I had to remember to bring my computer to work since I brought it home with me over the weekend. Sadly, I did not remember my computer. Now I am working on the dumb extra computer I have for user testing. It has no good programs on it and I can't get it to set up Outlook.

'Tis the Season

I came home from a happy hour with a huge scratch on my glasses, wearing only one earring and Parmesan cheese in my hair.  Luckily, I only wear cheap earrings but the lens' of my glasses are about $200 each.  The Parmesan was perfect since I was serving pasta the next day for dinner.