The Peevery

Yes, I am that clueless.

On the news this morning are live reports on Black Friday shopping, in which tv interviewers are asking shoppers at checkout lines what they bought and why.  Some shoppers are admitting to stocking up on as many expensive electronics as possible. The interviewer asks, "What will you do with all of these, resell them out of your car trunk?"  The shopper says, "Yeah, I'll keep one or two things for myself and then sell the rest.  I figure I deserve that, especially in this economy, I can make a few hundred bucks."  The interviewer responds, "Yeah."  

It's OK for people do that?  I had no idea. 

Peeves of Yore: Black Friday Edition

Happy Black Friday everyone!  Technically today is not the busiest shopping day of the year.  That honor is reserved for the Saturday before Christmas, but in honor of Black Friday and the shopping that Peeved Michelle and I are not doing this year (due to her visiting the in-laws) here are some of our shopping peeves.

In one of my favorite Peeves she's ever done (and that's saying a lot because she peeves a lot) PM apoplogized to the poor sensitive eyes who had to witness her enormous girth at the Santa Monica Macys.

Blaugra had difficulty buying anything at Lame Giant that didn't look like a circus tent.

PM tried and failed to buy a pair of Crocs.  Clearly she wasn't supposed to be a croc person.   On a semi-related note, the show I'm watching was just interrupted with "breaking news."  The breaking news... where people were lined up to shop.  

Melissa was sucked into Victoria Secret's marketing ploy.   

KtP found a great deal for a whopping $1.05 off a nightgown.  I wonder how she resisted?

That's all.  I have to go to bed now because I will be up joining the insanity at 4:45 in the morning!  Yay!

Reasons Why Bachelors Should Never Host Thanksgiving

1. They don't have ingredients like butter, salt or milk readily available.

2. They will be hungover from a rowdy night before celebration

3. When you point out reasons 1 & 2 they will say things like "Can't you just prep the turkey at my house Wednesday night and I'll toss it in the oven before I go to the game on Thursday morning."

I Will Go Nuke-U-Lar On You

The word is "Library," not "Liberry."  What's worse, you put the accent on the "berry" so it sounds like "Lie-BERRY."  Like fingernails on a chalkboard!

Not Psychic

Since I am not a psychic, I cannot call a person back if they do not leave me a phone number.  This is a basic part of the message leaving process.

Oh, You Filthy Beggars

BBC America does not provide episode descriptions for HOW CLEAN IS YOUR HOUSE?; therefore, my DVR cannot tell which episodes it has already recorded.  Since I cannot take a chance on missing a single filth-fest, I am forced to keep a written running total of what I have and have not seen, deleting any duplicates the DVR picks up.  To date, there are 47 little scrawled descriptions on a small notepad next to the couch.  Best part?  A few days ago I spilled beer all over the list, so I now have 47 RUNNY little scrawled descriptions on the notepad.  Kim and Aggie would not be pleased.

How I Know You Are Weird With a Capital "W"

Your dog has no hair and it shakes. You interrupt phone conversations to say to your dog, "Shhhh, Mommy is on the phone! Bad girl!" You buy holiday-themes bibs to put on your dog when she eats. You buy your dog food from drive-thru restaurants at least 3 times per week. You put a diaper on your dog when it's "her time of the month" and then show people pictures of it on your phone because you think it's cute. You bought your dog a diaper bag from P0ttery Barn Baby. You rub expensive lotion on your dog. I. JUST. DON'T. GET. YOU.

Liar, Liar.

Dear Overpaid Developers:

Don't promise a flawless application after a year of revisions.  It only makes us hate you more when the new software fails as badly as the old software.  I hate you.  You suck. 

Regretfully, a user,
Hazel

How Long

Will it take the Peeve Master to boot me off The Peevery because I keep forgetting to catagorize my peeves?  It isn't my fault! It is the new typepad layout.  I'm not used to the new way yet!

Another Reason to Hate Microsoft: Publisher

I've been working in Publisher to design a brochure.  When I am finally finished with it I would like to print it on an 11x17 paper and then tri-fold it.  In my department we do not have a printer that can print 11x17 sheets so I tried to resize it so I could print it on 8.5x11 paper to edit.  Publisher does not appear to resize.  I tried to adjust the paper size hoping it would, but it just made the paper smaller and left all my pictures and charts etc the same size.

Don't feel sorry for me...

...feel sorry for the turkeys.  Every year around this time, someone asks me if I'm going "home" for the Thanksgiving holidays and every year, I explain that no I'm not because I'm Canadian and Thanksgiving is in October in Canada. And every year, someone says "Oh, I'm sorry" like I just told them that my entire family died. It's not a big deal people. A four day weekend is a sweet deal even if I'm not tryptophaned out on my mother's couch.

Peeves of Yore: Big Honkin' Meal Edition

We're mere days away from a huge meal that will make us tired and cranky and kick off the beginning of severe bloat. Here's a few peeves from our past about food.  Yay! (I'm hungry)

Back in December 2004, PM gave us a recipe for a delicious cocktail involving rum.  Mmm... Rum.  Anyway, hopefully you won't need rum to get you through the holidays, but in case you do here is the recipe!  (Here's what can happen to you if you drink too much rum.  Mmm... rum... )

In her Round 2 Auditions, Jen14221 revealed she offered her sister $20 to eat dried chili peppers and the aftermath.

In February of 04, Peeved Michelle was on a juice fast and was trying to convince those who worked near her to stop cooking yummy smelling foods.  Oh the humanity!

In 05, Michael wanted his Alien Office-Mate to stop eating freeze dried human.  If not stop, at the very least eat more quietly.

Summer of 04 saw Nikki overindulging in Ritz Bitz. 

Former Peever, Crunchy BC had a problem with Kashi Go Lean.  Apparently this is a common problem as there are a lot of comments and it is a frequent Google hit.

In September of 07, Hazel couldn't stop eating.  Prep for Thanksgiving 2007??

Melissa would like the ability to purchase alcohol in Pennsylvania.  I think it is the Amish folk or maybe the Mennonites who make that difficult.

I loathe it when I order a coke only to be asked "Diet?"  Still a huge peeve of mine.

Jujubee couldn't convince herself that a salad from McDonald's is as good as a burger from McDonald's.  She's right.  There's no way a salad is as good as a burger.  As Homer Simpson once said, "You don't make friends with salad!"

Open Peeves

Erin F. has a peeve:

dear furniture store,

thanks for sending me a regular e-mail showing the table i just bought at your store, now on sale of a few hundred dollars cheaper. thanks a lot.

erin f.

Erin N. has a peeve:

Suck it, 3M

Last year around this time, my then 8-year-old son started questioning the existence of Santa Claus. Of course, I said what every parent says-"Why would Mom and Dad buy you all those presents?" Thanks to 3M and their stupid commercial, he's questioning it again this year. 3M has a commercial for their Command hooks, the ones you stick up and take down when you're done and there's no damage to your wall, mantel, etc. The commercial shows what is very clearly a woman's hand putting a full stocking on the hook. My son noticed this and asked. I had to make up some bullshit answer, and I am really sad, even though I know eventually he'll figure it out.

Red has a couple peeves:

I have a Ford minivan that runs just fine, and has all the room anyone who's married with three kids could want.  Of course now that it's cold outside, the heat doesn't work unless I drive over 60 mph for a sustained time or I stomp on the gas at every opportunity to get the RPM's up.  This means I will now have to replace the goddam thermostat.  Last I checked, the weather in my driveway - which is where I will be changing the thermostat since I don't have a garage - for the next few days is "snow showers with locally heavier snow squalls".  High temps of 35 degrees.  FAHRENHEIT!!!!

---

Dear Big Big Boss:
 
Seriously, what on God's green earth makes you think that the current economic crisis - you know, the one that's been in the papers lately - is affecting everyone but us and our customers?  Just curious.  Our sales are still up from last year, though not as high as you keep promising our Corporate Overlords.  Your excuse is that we have not executed well enough.  What the fuck do you think that "E" stands for in the middle of your title?  I wasn't expecting a bonus anyways, at least not as long as you're in charge.  Go wave your 1139-point rescue plan at someone who still believes in Santa Claus.
 
Thank you.
 
Red

So Yesterday

I'm totally over having this bronchial sickness thing.  It's like a Saturday Night Live sketch that goes on two minutes too long.  Time to end it.

Right in the Kisser

Whistling is a very private thing and should not be done on a shuttle bus to and fro your work's campuses, while you are one of two passengers and sitting directly behind the other passenger.

Who Designed This?

Am I wrong in being peeved that the Marketing & Communications webpage for my employer is totally functionally useless? Seriously it could not be more useless if it tried.

Why, Yes, I Am Deeply Impressed.

O man on the bus,

There can be only one reason why you're sitting there with your knees splayed so far apart.

Your testicles must be the size of honeydew melons.  So huge that they prevent you from pressing your legs together when you sit.  So mind-bogglingly enormous that they need half a bus seat all to themselves.  Who am I to tamper with the welfare of future generations that may be spawned from those Olympian loins?  I will squeeze myself into that back corner next to the guy with the tattoos on his neck, so I can leave you three alone.

Because They Pay Me, That's Why

Love the way the people in my department get mad because I do this little thing called "my job." I'm not out to make others look bad, just a newbie looking to earn some tenure.

The Gas We Pass

So glad I let a really smelly fart in my office and then had a bigwig poke his head in about 45 seconds later.  Not at all embarrassing.

Question Mark Exclamation Point

Borrowed this from a friend of a friend because it's just too good not to share.

A teacher has a student in her class with the following name:
 
Le-a
 
The teachers were calling the girl "Lea".  The mother called the school all pissed off because they were mispronouncing it.
 
Guess how it's pronounced?    Ledasha!!!!

What What What?

Typepad's all different now!  Change is scary.

Flipping and Flopping and Flipping Out

For a solid week, I was feeling good about being a non-smoker.   I was feeling sorry for people that smoke and feeling empowered because I wasn't smoking.  Today, I am longingly staring at people holding cigarettes and am jealous of them. 

As if that isn't enough anxiety,  Typepad goes and freaks me right the fuck out.

Slow Peeve

I've been at my employer for five years now.  Every year we have two all campus events.  At those events they provide breakfast and lunch.  Early on breakfast was a full hot breakfast and lunch offered options other than sandwiches.  Even the continental breakfast at the second event at least offered me fruit so I had some choices. Slowly but surely the offerings have decreased.  We still get a full breakfast for one event but other event only has pastries and the lunches are only sandwiches.  Since I can't eat wheat, I get a little more annoyed each year.      

Whatever.

I hate reading blogs about blogging.  That's like reading a book about how to read a book.  And I don't know what to title this post. 

I call him Damian.

Are all 4-year-olds demon children?   I thought that at age four, little humans would listen to reason and not throw tantrums about how a sandwich was cut (triangle or rectangle,) but what the hell do I know?

Layoffs

My mom got laid off today.  My dad's retired, but my mom is still a good 5-10 years off from that.

I'm trying to think of ways I can help her out.  I will so totally fire my cleaning lady and have her do it instead, and start paying her for childcare, but I'm not sure she'll accept it.

One Secret Revealed!

It feels like I posted about my secrets a hundred years ago, but it was only five weeks ago. Well, one secret was about work and the announcement of that was delayed and delayed and then delayed some more. It finally came out today, so I can tell you my secret. My boss was moved over to another group and I am now in charge of my entire team and the entire web site we work on and the entire redesign project for said web site which is launching next year. Not that it means a whole lot to you, but it was KILLING ME to keep that secret. My part is actually pretty small compared all the rest of the stuff with my (former) boss's part. Anyway, yay for me.

The other secret, I still have to keep that one for awhile, probably until next month. I hate having secrets!

Never Fails

My husband and cats are always at their most adorable when it's time for me to haul my ass out of bed in the morning.

Passing the Buck

I've emailed three different people in the course of trying to figure out who the national coordinator of a certain program is.  So far, none of them are the right person and each person I get passed to isn't sure who the right person is.  This is a national program, shouldn't SOMEBODY know??

Peevery Christmas Giveaway - Call for Suggestions

In the past, the Peevery has occasionally done a giveaway for Christmas. One year we sent lovely Suck It Christmas cards. One year, it was Suck It magnets. One year, it was Peevery calendar magnets. Last year, there was no giveaway, but several readers and Peevers participated in a white elephant gift exchange. I think I want to do something again this year, but I am fresh out of ideas. Any suggestions?

I don't want you to call me!

I hate software companies who won't divulge a single piece of information about their product without requiring you to submit your email and telephone number. I'm talking to you, Salesforce.com.

Capitalist

I know I should be supportive of people who work hard and get ahead and all that, but I somehow feel that something is innately wrong when we have an employee who earns in one month more than what our lowest paid employees earn in an entire year. 

Annual "It's Freakin' Christmas Already?" Peeve

While driving through driving rain, I heard my first Christmas song on the radio.  Winter Wonderland by the Eurythmics.  I almost drove off the road as I spastically changed the station. 

Peeves of Yore: You don't like your job... You just go in and do it really half assed."

November seems to be a particularly peevey month for our employment.  I wonder why that is?  Perhaps it is because the summer really really is over (although in Seattle we've known that for about three months now) and we have nothing to look forward to?  Hmm.

One Year Ago: Michael had a coworker with a raging case of EDD.  Jen14221 had a bit of a problem "working from home." Michael also od'd on corporate speak.  I'm so glad I work for a university.  We don't say dumb things like that at all.

Two Years Ago: Michelle was asked to unvague the details. Blaugra had to teach coworkers about the difference between urgent and not urgent.  Melissa wants her boss to use the tools she was given.

Three Years Ago: Even the Unknown Peever has a hard time with November.  S/He threatened to hit a notboss.*    The Unknown Peever also had a problem with code monkeys.  I don't know what those are, but I think it is a technical term.

Four Years Ago: Michelle's periodically mentioned but mostly absent (from the Peevery) hubby, Bubba, posted a peeve incomprehensible to most of us... something about philanges or flanges or routing.  I grumbled about people and their form obsession.  Really.  I got it. Nikki provided a less than good reference for someone who called out of the blue.  She also wanted to call the grammar police on the Senior Director of Really Important Things.  I wonder if I knew that guy.  (She and PM and I worked at the same company although I never met her.) 

Five Years Ago: Peeved Michelle just wanted the layoffs to be over.  She also wanted her promised promotion.  Heather's coworkers didn't understand the concept of "They do not make those."

*A notboss is someone higher on the food chain than you but not your boss.

So stupid

I'm sitting here choking on my own saliva.  And not just a little bit... coughing enough to bring tears to my eyes. 

Wake Up and Smell the...Ewwww

Dude in the Coffee Bean...We so know it was you that let out a fart while we were all waiting for our coffee. The place is tiny and the fact you made a beeline for the other side of the store does not take away the fact that you were caught. Next time, take it outside.

You're Not Very Quick, Are you?

Don't ask me if I'm cranky.  If I wasn't cranky before, asking me that question will make me cranky.  Either way, the answer is 'yes' and you should fucking know that by now.

Sale Spam

I am a huge fan of of those member only sale websites- there are generally some really good deals to be found. Sadly, I think these companies make all of their money not by selling merchandise but by selling email addresses. It has gotten so bad that I use a separate email address for all of my online shopping and that account has more spam in it than is believable.

Open Peeves

We have a double batch this week because I forgot to post some last week.

A few peeves from Red:

I only got a couple hours sleep last night, mostly on the couch.  It seems that our two-year old has decided that my wife is the only adult allowed to sleep in our bed, and that as the youngest child she is entitled to kick me out.  Then the five-year old must feel left out, so she joins the party.  I wish I would have known that this would happen when we were looking at houses, because the two bedrooms that the kids apparently don't need probably cost me a lot of money that I could have used for a Corvette.  Or at least a sleeper sofa.

---

I think it's hilarious that I can drive about 15 miles down the road from my house, and the gas is 70 cents per gallon cheaper.  This is because our state taxes are not collected by the Native American gas retailers on the Cattaraugus Indian Reservation.  What is not hilarious is that I got a speeding ticket going there last week because the little shit town right before the reservation feels that their patrolmen should set speed traps on a road that changes speed limits 10 times in 10 miles by 10 mph and that at 9:15 pm on a Sunday night they've got nothing better to do than wait for a car to go by doing 56 in a 45.  In the ten minutes I sat there waiting for my ticket, THREE cars went by.  The state will get they're cut one way or another.

---

A message to the owner of that black 1992 piece-of-shit S-10 with bald snow tires, KC Daylighters hanging limply from the roll bar, and a chrome chain-link steering wheel:

Yellow lines about 18 feet long painted parallel about 8 feet apart and perpendicular to another long yellow line on that large area of pavement just outside the front door of our employer outline what are commonly referred to as  “parking spaces”.  So when your POS truck finally stops coughing and the last strains of “Sweet Home Alabama” emanating from your blown speakers finally fade into the distance, the rust falling off of your S-10 should land in only ONE parking space.  Not two or three or four, just ONE.  And if you knew that and you’re just a rebel without a clue, I suggest you go commit a nuisance.  Thanks.

A couple peeves from Erin:

I was ready to run to the ER this morning, convinced I had the advanced stages of colon cancer and was going to die any minute, until the husband called and warned me that we ate red velvet cake last night and that would be the culprit. Crisis averted.

---

Move Along
I can understand if you're driving by your friend or spouse and stop to talk. But if you have somebody behind you (namely, me) and you can't wrap up your conversation within 10 seconds, I will honk my horn at you to keep driving.

Wanted: Dead or Alive

A reward is offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons who willfully and maliciously toss an empty Corn Nuts packet into Amy's tiny front garden every week.  Individuals with information may call the toll-free tip line at 1-800-YOU-SLOB. 

I demand more information!

This is really not a peeve, just a request. I don't know a lot of people on the Peevery and sometimes I want to know MORE. Like Amy, what city do you live in and what is the N-Judah train? And Nikki, I'm sad that you are far from your BFF in Portland, but where do you live? I think from the Comments that you live in Utah, but I'm not sure. The lives of peevers are fascinating, but sometimes I need more info to understand the big picture. Remember, this is not a true peeve; I'm curious, not irritated. Of course, if you're trying to hide your identity, then it's OK to be covert.

This Should Not Be News to Me

Note to self:

30 ounces of Diet Mountain Dew 2 hours before bedtime does not lend  itself to being able to ignore the sound of a snoring/honking bed mate and falling asleep within 90 minutes of getting into bed.

That's MY Seat!

I have a ridiculously proprietary attitude toward a particular seat on the N-Judah train.  It's the one in the middle of the right side of the car.  The seat in front of it has a metal box of some type underneath for a spare tire or some equipment or something I can't even begin to guess.  This box happens to be the perfect height for me to put my feet on; this is a godsend, since I am so short that my feet don't touch the ground when I'm in train or bus seats, and I really hate to dangle.

So get out of MY SEAT, you skanky bitch.  There are empty seats everywhere, and you are at least five foot six.  I will cut you.

I Wanna Start a Fight

Not only did you give the wrong conference number for your 8:15 call, but because of your foul-up, you don't have all the right players for your meeting that started 15 minutes late. And yet, you're still attempting to hold it.

I hated you before, but now I'll fight you to the death. You have stolen my sleep/breakfast time!

And "May Be" You People are Idiots

I signed up awhile ago for AT&T's Privacy Manager so that any calls that are unknown or private have to go through a system where you have to first announce who you are, then it rings to me to tell me, giving me the option to accept or reject. Great. However, I have friends who live outside the U.S. who say they can't get through to me. The call is rejected outright. So, I call AT&T and they tell me it "may be" because the system doesn't recognize the number, that it is not ten digits. Excuse me--it "may be?" You mean you don't know? You mean I am the only one with Privacy Manager and International callers? You can't determine if your system blocks these callers? Are you for real?

Peeves of Yore: Democratic Edition

The Peevery is sometimes a dictatorship and sometimes a democracy, depending on the whims of our dictator for life Peeved Michelle.  If I had any control over it, it would be a socialist republic and I would want to make sure nobody's feelings got hurt but then it would be a lot less fun. 

Once, long ago, PM asked the Peevers what the worst thing they ever did was.  Adam posted a poll for us to vote on.  Peeved Michelle also didn't particularly care that GWB was re-elected.  Given her logic behind that statement, I can kind of agree and I recall that was the year even my father (a staunch Republican) didn't know who to vote for.  PM also held auditions and although votes were not part of the audition process, people voted anyway.  During round two, KTP had a peeve about voting on a smaller scale.

More recently, PM offered her vote to a candidate who did one little thing.  Sadly none took her up on it.  PM tried to get a new peever through democratic means, but it didn't work out.  She tried for a democratic Peevery again in 2007 after the Peeved Baby was born.  The Peeved Baby was upset that people failed to vote for a new Peever and through her laser eyes reminded us to vote!    

Hmm.  I didn't mean for this to be a Peeved Michelle laden post, but apparently there's a reason she's a dictator.  (Ok I admit I didn't use a single peeve about our most recent elections because they really aren't "Of Yore" now are they?)

BFF

I hate that one of my best friends lives in Portland. It sucks not being able to hang out with her whenever I want.

Movie Previews

Aren't movie previews supposed to sort of relate to the audience that is watching the movie?  Is that how it would be in an ideal world?  If that's the case than the powers that be that pick them don't know what kind of audience the movie Role Models relates to.  There was one preview for a romantic comedy, two for cartoons (at least one of which was clearly geared towards children) and two for scary movies that freaked me out so bad I had to shut my eyes and plug my ears. 

Related - How is it that those two previews were rated acceptable for all audiences?  They scared my 34 year old self and so I can't imagine what they would do to children.   

If You Tell Anyone, I'll Deny It

The only thing that embarrasses me more than crying at last Friday's episode of GHOST WHISPERER is admitting that I actually regularly watch GHOST WHISPERER.

Motherfucker

This asshole motherfucker at work was so unprofessional and passive-aggressive in a meeting, trying to throw me under the bus at every opportunity in front of the whole team. So much for goodwill and the spirit of cooperation. It's on, asshole.