The Peevery

Peeves of Yore: Spooktacular Edition

Two years ago, the Peevery was issued a challenge.  Dress like your favorite peeve.  The results... hilarious.  (The winner?  The most awesomest one!)

Two years ago, I also peeved (similar to one Jujubee peeved recently) about how panties and body paint do not a costume make. Gay boys and slutty girls all over the city disagreed with me.

KtP, the Grinch of Halloween, apparently did not give out candy last year and would've appreciated it if the "no light, no treat" rule had been followed.

Melissa also wants the rule "no costume, no treat" followed since the kids in her neighborhood are under the mistaken impression that a hoodie and wind pants are a costume.  What are wind pants?

Two years ago, blaugra did a little Peevery research.  She was looking for an opinion on Halloween costumes in the work place.  Boy did she get one!

Former peever Crunchy BC believed that not mowing your lawn does not constitue decorating your house for Halloween.

Four years ago, Peeved Michelle saw Jesus! 

Open Peeves: Why do you celebrate Halloween if you are a Christian?

Just wondering, hyprocrite.

Erin N. has a peeve:

CSI: Georgia style

Dear Husband,

I understand that you are a hunter. I don't like it, but it fuels your machismo, so be it. You crossed the line, though, when you brought home the dead doe on Saturday. While dragging Bambi's mom through the carport, much blood was left on the ground, making it look like a crime scene. I don't appreciate having to step around coagulated deer blood to get in my car.  They make this thing called a hose where water comes out the end - try using it, ok?

Love,
Your overly sensitive wife

Erin F. has a peeve:

I hate toasts at weddings especially when I feel confident to do one, but the english language gets me in such trouble. I just said "Congratulations to Jon and his New Wife.", meaning new in as just married, not new as in I was at his first wedding too. I should have just said her name, now I'm anti-feminist too. UGH.

Red has a few peeves:

Dear Family,

I like to watch sports on TV.  Get over it.  If you average about 3 hockey games per week and 2 football games and throw a couple episodes of "Ghosthunters" and "Dirty Jobs" in there for good measure, that's roughly 16 hours of TV viewership.  That's about 2.5 hours per day.  And usually I go down to the basement to my own little world to do this.

Compare that to 1 hour of Chiller (horror/sci-fi channel) every morning, followed by an hour of cartoons.  Then the hour or two of cartoons after school, followed by a couple hours "Wife Swap" or "Nanny 911" or "You Are What You Eat" or "How Clean Is Your House?" followed by a couple hours of "CSI" or "Law And Order" or "Criminal Minds" or "House" or "Ghost Whisper" or "Bones" or "Eleventh Hour" or what the hell ever.  That's 7 or 8 hours a day.  Turn the thing off once in a while.  And don't act like I'm hogging the TV.

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I should not be able to identify you by your sneeze from 10 cubicles away.  5 times a day.  Every day.  That's a problem, and I suggest you see a doctor about it.

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I quit drinking over 4 years ago.  I quit smoking as well.  I have no problem telling people the reasons for that.  I will even agree that the incident that finally galvanized me into quitting those two things may have been a rather painful, embarassing event.  However, I become quite irritated when people quietly intone that it's a gosh darn tragedy that I don't smoke or drink anymore, and they're really sorry it has to be that way.  Like I've been forced into some boring, uneventful life.  Really, it's OK.  I'm not dead, just sober.  It's not bad, just different.

I'll Be Dressed as the Xanax Popping Soccer Mom*

It's VERY windy and my littlest two are scared to death of the wind. They scream and cry if the wind so much as even thinks about blowing. Should be an awesome, super duper fun night of trick-or-treating!

*just kidding, I don't even have any xanax. I'm open to offers, though.

Shut Your Damn Piehole

I have a friend that works for the same company as I, but in a different office.  Nice enough gal personally, but when it comes to work, she always has a negative opinion on the few good things that happen at my branch.  It's as if she is hoping for us to fail and there is really no competition between the two offices.  She always has her nose in other people's business and constantly gossiping.  I sometimes have to rely on her for pertinent information so it's not like I can refuse to talk to Nosy Nelly.  I have made it clear that I don't care to hear her rumors and opinions about people but she doesn't seem to give a crap.  I think that she wants me to engage her so that she can say I said something about someone.  Come to think of it, she isn't really my friend.  I don't like her at all and she is NOT very nice as a person.  Never mind then.

None of Your Beeswax.

I don't mind people asking if I have kids.  It's a normal question, like "Do you live in the city?" or "Who's your favorite member of Menudo?"  But I do rather mind when people ask why I don't have kids, or press me about when I'm going to have kids.  I also mind when people say, "Oh, that's too bad," or treat me to a long lecture on the many reasons why I will not be a real, grown-up, unselfish person until I have kids.   

My reasons are my own, and since I am the only one who has to answer for my life, I consider it ill-bred to interrogate me about them (although I realize that the questioners usually don't see it that way).  But if there is a way to answer these questions without sounding rude and defensive myself, I certainly haven't found it.   As much as I would love to reply with something like, "Last time I checked, it wasn't compulsory," or "That would require a uterus," or "Because I am married to a writer 20 years my senior," or "Insanity runs in my family," or "I'd probably forget a baby in a taxi," I fear I am doomed to smiling and saying, "Not everybody does."   

Voter Apathy

I believe in voting.  I love going to the polling place and casting my ballot.  The best thing about turning 18 to me, getting the right to vote.  Thanks to all the negative ads this year, on both sides, I'm about ready to skip out on voting.  I'm just sick of the whole thing and I don't want to support this system anymore. 

Bump

I really dislike the current use of the word bump to describe a pregnant woman.  "Does she have a baby bump?"  Or, in the case of the t-shirt I saw on a very pregnant woman over the weekend, "Rockin' the baby bump." 

Peeves of Yore: Fashion Flubs Edition

For many years I have hated words on asses! I also do not support the wearing of white pants.

Four years ago Michelle bought into the poncho trend. When pregnant with the Peeved toddler, she also joined the crocs craze.  She's also against white shorts on pale people.

Melissa told Victoria a little secret about bra size.  Wouldn't they already know this?  She also was a tad unhappy with a fellow shopper who was trying on clothes.

Michael is a fashion critic, not believing that wife-beaters make an appropriate work outfit.  He also has struggled with a button question. 

Blaugra's fashion choices got her compared to Shania Twain.  Is this a good thing? She also only recently learned the meaning of camel toe.   

KtP flashed everyone in her stairwell when she wore her shirt inside out.  Is that a new trend?  She was also not fond of the convertible pants.  I think that's a style that's still going strong up here. 

Not strong enough!

I started using "Clinical Strength" anti-perspirant/deodorant last week.  I didn't know anything about it before I bought it, I just had a coupon and it was on sale at CVS and I figured a stronger anti-B.O.-product couldn't hurt.

I don't understand how this is clinically stronger than regular shit.  Who was in the clinical trials, little motionless cold-blooded aliens?

First, you have to apply it at night, and not in the morning. So when you arise, you're already half-smelly. Then, if you're like me, you shower in the a.m.  You get dressed, and you're supposed to be stink-free for another 12 hours or so. 

As well as being curious as to its extra-strength properties, I was excited to try it because I was wearing a sleeveless dress to a wedding and this product meant I wouldn't have little visible white spots stuck in the creases of my pits. 

This was a very bad decision.  By 10:00 pm I stank SO very much. I must have had visible vapor trails.  It probably didn't help that I was dancing like a maniac while drinking six too many vodka shots. I'm recovering, but I don't think my dress ever will.

I Am Amy's Kneecaps.

Osteoarthritis is fascinating.

Ever spent time looking at the knees of a G.I. Joe figure?

Joe's leg is made in two halves, joined inside the knee by a small rubber band fastened to a hook in each half of the leg.

Imagine, if you will, a red-hot crochet hook -- one of the skinny pointy doily ones, not the fat afghan ones -- jabbing its way through Joe's kneecap and giving that rubber band a giant vicious YANK.

Take the way Joe's rubber band feels, multiply it by a number you tried to count up to when you were six, and you've got a reasonable idea of what's going on in my right knee at the moment.

At least I can now predict rain with my joints.

Jen's Peeve of the Day - Friday

Today's Peeve:  I work out of town Monday through Thursday and I do my best to stock the fridge on the weekends so that my family can eat while I am gone.  So, you can imagine how crazy it makes me to come home and find rotting food in the refrigerator EVERY THURSDAY.  I am so done with grocery shopping.  Fuck it.  Eat out every goddamn day, or starve.  See if I care.

Open Peeves

Erin has a peeve:

Back off!

What is it with people who can't wait two freakin' minutes to put their stuff up on the counter while at a check-out register?  I had no sooner just put my few items down and the guy behind me starts unloading his crap, which of course caused the cashier to ask, "Is this all together?" after she had scanned my stuff.  Annoys me almost as much as the people who stand so close to me in line that their clothing touches mine-just plain wrong

If you have a peeve, send it in and I will post it next week.

Pay Attention Please!

I have a friend with whom I've eaten dinner an average of once a week for the past three years.  It amazes me that he still can't figure out what I can and cannot eat. Last night's comment, "You can't eat potatoes, right?"  Jesus Christ! You've seen me eat french fries!  My boss, who has only been my boss for four months, knows I can't eat wheat, you would think this yahoo would figure it out.  But no, every time I say "No wheat, rye, oats or barley" it is like he is hearing it for the first time. 

This is especially peevey because he makes a point of saying he is always trying to be thoughtful and considerate.  Be considerate by remembering what the fuck I can't eat! That's how you show consideration.

But I Always Wait For You

My flight arrived in Charlotte about an hour and a half late. This, after they got approval to change the flight path from LAX to save 20 minutes--except it took 20 minutes for them to get the approval. I missed my connection by 10 minutes. Ten Freakin' Minutes. Why is it I always seem to be on the flight that waits for a late flight to arrive so people can make the connection, but the one time my flight is late they take off without me?

Jen's peeve of the day - Thursday

Today's Peeve: I fly almost every week, from Buffalo to Philadelphia and back, and it really annoys me when the airlines don't bother to update the boards when my flight is delayed.  I mean serously, if my plane is due to leave gate B2 at 12:06pm, and the flight coming into B2 has a delayed arrival of 12:15pm, do you really think we'll be leaving at 12:06pm?  Either the people at US Air are too lazy to update us, or want to keep their on-time stats, or think the passengers are too stupid to notice the delay.

Customers Last

I love how bank tellers are rude and unresponsive even though I'm a longtime customer with thousands of dollars sitting in my account.  Banks should be kissing my ass right now.

Saw 5

The new Saw V ads are renewing a peeve.  I have no intention of ever watching most of these 'torture p*rn' movies especially given that their ads freak me out.  I have to mute the tv and pull up the guide so I don't hear or see what's happening. I really think their ad campaign would work much better if it were just a dark screen and "Saw V... too intense to advertise on TV."  That would make me happy.

Oh the Injustice!

I have been emailing my sister about Christmas plans and in one of her emails she commented that our dad was mad because I never invite them up here.  Au contraire mon pere!  I have too.  I may not have said "Please come out for Thanksgiving" in those exact words, however on more than one occasion I have said "This is a neat event and you would like it, you should come," to my mother.  She gives me a vague response and that's the end of it. 

Also, it is pretty clear where I get my potential passive-aggressiveness from.  Thanks family!

Puncture Wounds

My regular facialist wasn't available, so I got the new girl.  [I say "facialist" because it's easier than saying "esthetician." ]

I know you're supposed to give feedback to your technician if you aren't happy, but try doing that wearing nothing but a sheet, plastic wrap and hot-mittens on your feet and hands, and a mask on your face.  So now my face looks like someone used it as a dart board.  Hopefully it will clear up by Friday so I won't need to put spackle on my face to go to a wedding.

Jen's peeve of the day - Wednesday

Today's Peeve:  Okay, it's gotten a bit nippy outside in the mornings here in the northeast region of our fine country.  Parents: please dress your small children appropriately.  I know the meth you're smacking may make you feel hot and sweaty, but those infants and toddlers you are wheeling around in their strollers?  THEY FEEL THE CHILL.

Isn't there a hotline I can call to report these fuckers?  If I see one more little kid dressed for summer in late October (it was 43 degrees this morning) it is going to seriously ruin my day.  And it's already pretty bad.

No Instant (coffee) Gratification

I hate when I run out of my Sense0 coffee pods and have to make coffee the "old fashioned" way. What a pain in the ass.

Body Language

You know how hair-twirling can mean that a person is flirtatious, or nervous (or many times in my case, both?)

So then what does it mean when an older gentleman sitting next to you at a luncheon is twirling his hair - but not the hair on top of his head, his extra-long eyebrow hairs?!

Secrets Rot Your Insides

I know that someone at work is getting fired next week. He doesn't know it. I have known for a couple weeks now. IT IS KILLING ME. I feel so uncomfortable talking to him or even hearing him talk about work things because I know none of it is going to matter in a week. He has no clue it is coming.

Jen's peeve of the day - Tuesday

Today's Peeve: If I am standing at a hallway workstation, furiously typing something, please do not crowd around me, peering at the screen and blocking my access to the keypad.  I'm not sure what you are up to, but I am obviously busy.

Wake me when it's April

Daughter brought home first cold of the season from daycare.

Look into the teddy bear, honey

I am frustrated because I'm paranoid about the bad people and that means that I don't trust babysitting services and that means that my husband and I take turns attending social events and that sucks because it would be nice to go out together. At night. Without the kid.

Jen's peeve of the Day - Monday

I am disgruntled!  I am annoyed!  I need to become a better peever, and broadcast my peeves to the world, so that maybe things won't bother me so damn much anymore.  Therefore, I am making a promise to myself to stop internalizing these peeves and peeve here daily for the next five days.

Today's Peeve: Grown women wearing sweatpants with the work  P I N K  stretched across their ass.  That look is not doing you any favors, sweetheart.

Wearing It

Note to self: Give Tess her liquid medicine and THEN put on the clean shirt. 

Peeves of Yore: Roktoberfest Edition

Why is Oktoberfest in September?  Doesn't Ocht mean eight?  I don't get it.

In one of Peeved Michelle's most popular posts, she indicates how much she hates Amy Winehouse.

Back in December of 2004, I hated on a whole bunch of people including Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and of course Usher.  Unsurprisingly, four years later the list is still pretty much applicable.

Michael once hated a report he was working on so much it forced him to listen to 80's music.  Maybe 80's music takes Michael to his happy place?

Peeved Michelle thought the music industry was especially stupid in their lawsuits against dead people.  I don't know, I'm pretty sure my dead grandma loves Metallica.  She's probably filled her heavenly iGod shuffle with illegal downloads.  She also hates Dave Matthews Band.  How is that possible?

Blaugra sent Beyonce a love note to tell her how to improve herself. 

KtP pondered the band Snow Patrol's similarity to the far superior Gin Blossoms.  She was also saddened by The Violent Femmes selling out, which led to us having a famous commenter!  That's kind of cool, eh?

Tonight is a School Night

Why is tonight a school night?  Because I have to go to Alarm School tomorrow (the link has the background).  This represents everything wrong with the way Los Angeles is run--the bureaucracy, the incompetence.

I know PM hates long posts, so long update short...the official notice with instructions for attendance is delivered.  It says the fee will be waived but I have to pay for an alarm permit prior to taking the class along with the attached application.  Uh, morons, I don't have the alarm anymore and no attachment.  After numerous attempts to call, I finally get someone who says he will walk over to the lieutenant, show him the letter I've been waiting for someone to respond to for two years and see if they will close it based on that.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I'm waiting for nearly two years and all you have to do is walk over to the lieutenant and ask?  Two days later he calls me back and "no go."  I have to take the class.  Conclusion?  I'm not paying anything because I'm taking the class.  I'm not renewing the permit.  But the idiots are still making me go to the class, which is now nothing but an inconvenience and they know it.  After two years of jerking me around, they should have just closed the case.  Ah, the L.A. system at work.

Open Peeves

Erin has a peeve:

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

While using the can opener last night, I realized I was turning the can as the opener was too.  I guess I thought maybe I could make it go faster. Of course, this is coming from the girl who thinks the faster you drive, the more miles you put on your car because the speedometer goes faster. These Polish genes are killin' me.

Red has a peeve:

I've been renovating my house a little, as noted previously in open peeves.  While tearing out the paneling in the kitchen I was faced with the fact that the individual who had installed the paneling was a complete jackass.  I have it on good authority (my neighbor that's been there for 35 years) that it was done by the original owner. "Sal". 

Well, "Sal" must have had a couple thousand extra nails lying around the house, because he used almost all of them to affix the paneling to the walls.  And then, since I imagine it was possible that hurricane-force winds off of Lake Erie could have peeled the paneling away, the guy used about 10 gallons of some black, tarry adhesive to make sure there was no question.  After 6 hours of work I have ONE wall ready for sanding.  And now I'm going to go down to the cemetary, dig up "Sal", and punch him right in the head.

Hum On This!

Hey Hummer driving behind me through Topanga Canyon tonight, there is a line of cars in front of me and it's one lane. Riding two inches from my ass isn't going to get you there any faster!

Toadstool

I think I have a wart on my foot. The reason I don't know if I have a wart on my foot is because it is so inconveniently located that I can't get a good look at it.

No he didn't.

I can't believe I wasted all that time taking classes like Educational Psychology, Perspectives on American Education, and Curriculum Development when I could have simply joined the Army to be a better teacher. Suck it, McCain.

Just...Eeeeeuuuuwwwww

I just moved my computer monitor over a little and found a fingernail clipping under it, obviously from my predecessor in this job.

Now I know I will spend the entire day picturing how it got there.

Pay Attention!

I have a co-worker who always pretends to understand how things work and then turns around and screws things up because she didn't want to look stupid by asking some simple questions. She's not looking so smart now.

Old and Haggard

I got my haircut on Saturday.  It looks really cute.  I've received a lot of compliments on it.  The peeve... Most are along this vein "Oh my God your hair looks so great!  You look so much younger (better, pretty...)!"  Now I'm starting to feel a tiny hit to my esteem.  Did I really look that bad to begin with?

Eye Candy Taking Over Tootsie Rolls For Halloween

It seems like I or another Peever has already written on this matter...I know I've Tweeted it, but it's got to be addressed again: When did Halloween become a day for all women (or teenage girls) to unleash their inner slut? While looking for a costume with my 8 year old son, I noticed that every single costume for a female included a short skirt and thigh highs. Slutty Nurse, Slutty Angel, Slutty Devil, Slutty Nun, Slutty Pilgrim, Slutty Police Officer....I could go on. The worse part? Every female looking at those costumes was most likely too young to vote.

Word to your Motha

Word is the worst program ever to try to build a form in, yet that seems to be my only option. 

Yukky Kiss

I just ate a Hershey's Kiss with some of its foil and paper flag thing still attached.  Now I am pathetically coughing up the foil.

Kept Out of the Loop

My not-boss recently asked if I had implemented the policy changes that had been discussed over the summer.  Why no I haven't I replied.  Because I never received those changes.  What I didn't share was that I asked for the changes three times and apparently wasn't important enough to give them to even though it is my god damn area of responsibility.  And don't even get me started on how I apparently wasn't important enough to INCLUDE on those policy change discussions to begin with.

My Grandmother Was Part Sasquatch.

How else to explain the alarming rate at which my nose hairs started to grow once I hit 39? 

If it keeps up like this, I'm going to have to trim them every day just so I can breathe freely.

Can I Turn Off the Audio AND Video?

I'd like to watch Suzie Orman on Oprah but her teeth are so white they are blinding me and her voice makes my ears bleed.  We won't even discuss her mannerisms. 

Holy Shirt

My favourite black shirt has a hole just big enough to make it inappropriate for wearing at work but I love it so much that I decided to wear it with a cute little sweater vest overtop and now I'm so fricking hot I want to take the vest off but my damn shirt has a damn hole. Damn you Santa Monica and your nice weather.

Can We Just Vote Now?

I do not think I can survive another 22 days of politicking.

I try to never blog about work

I've been working on this project at work and have been assigned a support person, who, while very very nice, does not a firm grasp of the English language.  Here are a few actual tidbits I've received via e-mail from said support person:

"He is very adomet about the desire......"

"We are looking into a workflow for flue shots....."

"She has told me she will not dew it because she has to work on......."

Every time I need to forward an e-mail to escalate an issue, I have to re-write the whole damn thing.

Peeves of Yore: Murderous Urges Edition

Sure the Peevers seem like a harmless bunch, but in reality we have murder on our mind.  On a fairly regular basis, we contemplate cutting short someone's life.  If someone any of us know ever does end up dead, this blog may lead the cops right to the offender.

Once upon a time, Nikki exhibited extreme restraint in her ability to not stab someone with a Sharpie.

I was seriously considering stabbing someone in the throat with a pen if they didn't learn the difference between accept and except.

Peeved Michelle loosed her wrath upon an unsuspecting writing instructor.  (Now that I work with faculty, I can support this whole heartedly.)

Michael either loved or hated his alien officemate so much so, that despite the presence of CSI: California in the area, he contemplated killing him.

Former Peever Cindy-Lou contemplated a sniper rifle and a freeway overpass.

Unlike most of the rest of us, blaugra is not a homicidal maniac, she's more into suicide.

Jen14221 is probably the hardest amongst us, threatening to kill her husband while he sleeps!

Even the Unknown Peever isn't immune as clearly s/he would like to kill their coworker.

Maybe our new tagline should be The Peevery: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious.

Keeping Secrets is Hard

I have secrets. I have to keep them. One I have to keep for about two weeks. One I have to keep for a long time! I don't like having secrets.

Reformulation Redux

I've mentioned before how I hate it when a brand I like reformulates and ends up with something I don't like.  Currently I'm in hate with Lane Bryant's new Right Fit jeans.  At 5'7" I consider myself average height.  (PM will correct me and let me know that actually 5'4" or 5'5" is average for women but I still consider myself average height).  My new Right Fit jeans, length Average, are 2 inches too long for me.  I either end up walking on the backs like a stupidass teenager or I end up rolling them up like a totally nerdy stupidass teenager.  Either way, it pisses me off.

(And yes, they're probably designed like that to be worn with heels, but seriously, how many of us regularly wear jeans with heels?)

Open Peeves

Andrea has a couple peeves:

I have this travel sized "dentist" type pick. It gets in between my teeth to dislodge whatever might be trapped there (perfect for after lunch at work). Well, I used it to break the seal of tape on a package I was dying to get open and I barley bent the end of it. Now, if I am not careful, it stabs me in the gums and brings a bloodbath with it. Damn you tooth crack picker!

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What's the deal with painting over vents and light switch plates? I never understood that. I think it's just lazy. We all expect those things to be in a room, so why try to "hide" them? I get that you want to make the room "blend". But really, I have never seen those things painted over and walked into a room and said "Oh my gosh..I can't even tell you painted over your air conditioning vent and electrical plates! It looks so nice." NoNoNo. In fact, I think it makes them was more obvious.

Erin has a peeve:

Jillian Barberie, if I sit through another NutriSystem commercial with you in it because I'm too lazy to grab the remote, I'm going to scream.  I want to slap you every time you catch the football from a foot away, and ask, "How many girls can do that?" Um, I'm guessing most, unless they have had their arms cut off in a tragic farm accident. You tell us you got your body through NutriSystem-did they pay for your boobs too?

Red has a peeve:

I think my pride hurts the most.

Yesterday I spent about 12 hours tackling a few projects around my house.  I ripped out the paneling on a couple walls in the kitchen.  I removed the carpeting that was covering my wonderful hardwood flooring in my bedroom.  I removed three minivan-loads of junk from my basement and took it all over to my parents’ house, since they’ve got a dumpster that they’re filling with the accumulated debris from their leaky basement.

After playing with pry bars, razor blades, nails, hammers, jagged bits of 25 year old paneling, and most especially carpet tack strip, I ended up separating 2 fingernails from their underlying skin.  It hurts like hell every time I touch my finger to anything, like a laptop keyboard to reply to the 60 or so e-mails I received during my one day off.  What hurts the most, though, is that I injured myself OPENING THE DISHWASHER.  I must have grabbed the lever awkwardly and caught my fingers, and, oh hell...it’s worse than the time I threw my back out dusting.