The Peevery

Oopsie

This used to be a posting with a picture of my daughter eating chicken and waffles for dinner. It was meant to go to my boring family blog, not this one. Suddenly, it was not just an accidental posting, it was a peeve. The TypePad for BlackBerry app asks "Do you want to post this on TypePad?" after you take a picture, so I thought, sure, why not? I expected TypePad to give me some options like it does when I want to create a new post. Alas, it does not. TypePad just goes on sends your pic to your default blog.

You can see the pic on Flickr, if you are interested.

Open Peeve Tuesday

usedtobeme used to have a peeve:

Do I tip the fast food worker at Burger King?  No.

Do I tip the guy at Starbucks who makes my Cafe Mocha?  No. 

Why?  Because they are taking three minutes to prepare and hand me a food/drink item.  They are NOT waiting on me or checking back to see if the food/drink is good. They don't clean up my mess when I get done eating in my car.  They don't throw away my trash. 

Why then do these people think they're entitled to a tip?  Why do they hand me my change with their hand precariously positioned over the TIPS! jar?

Maybe if they showed an iota of interest in me or my order I would be more inclined to drop the coins. 

Just sayin.

Erin has another peeve:

Overkill

We have very few windy days here in southwest Georgia. When we do, I like to open my windows and get some fresh air.  My windows are now closed because of my neighbor, who has FIVE, count 'em, FIVE windchimes on the front of her house. I enjoy the sound of windchimes in general, but five? I can't even escape to the back of my house, because she has loaded the back of the house with many more windchimes.  I can even hear them through my closed door.  On a positive note, the windchimes drown out the constant whining and crying of her 2-year-old.

Insult to Injury

I went to go get lunch at our student center.  After waiting 15 minutes in the line with roast chicken and mashed potatoes (I don't know, but she was slicing the damn things up in front of us how is that a good use of resources I wonder?)  they run out with one person left in front of me.  Argh!  So since the place is so crowded and now I'm just peeved and want food I get into the shortest line and order a hot dog since it will cook the quickest, clearly a significantly inferior lunch choice.  Now it has upset my stomach. Sigh.

43 Degrees Latitude

Whenever I go to Toronto and the weather is beautiful, I come back homesick with a hundred reasons why we should move back there. I am sure that next week it will snow and I will feel much better but until then, I am still homesick.

I Curse the Evil Empire

The ways in which I hate Microsoft Outlook 2007 are too numerous to mention. I am posting this from my BlackBerry because Outlook is using up all of the RAM on my computer just to display my Deleted Items. Look, I realize that 81,000 items is excessive, but Outlook 2003 never had a problem with it. In the time it took me to two-thumb type this, the only thing Outlook accomplished was re-sorting the list by the From field.

Divorce and Remarriage

When DirecTV and Tivo parted ways, I hated that I had to switch to DirecTV's in-house DVR. Recently, I read they have made up and partnered again. I can't wait to switch back. The current DVR sucks. It starts recording everything a minute late with no way to adjust the clock. So, with my favorite show returning last night, The Amazing Race, I set it to record a minute early. But it didn't bother to inform me that it would cause a conflict with something else. No, it just decided not to record it. Gah!

Plug-In

I hate that ABC requires a plug-in to watch their shows online. If I'm at lunch and want to watch the new episode of Ugly Betty I missed, I can't because my work computer is protected from downloads.  Phooey.

Who are you fooling?

Now I will be the first to admit I usually could not care less about high fructose corn syrup.  I love it and I consume quite a few foods that are full of it.  Yet I find the ads about the relative safeness of hfcs to be quite offensive.  I don't doubt that hfcs has the same calories as sugar and is as safe as sugar.  I find it ridiculous that the corn refiners association is so panicked about a potential drop in hfcs consumption they feel compelled to advertise to draw us back.  It isn't like there aren't a billion other uses for corn. 

Peeves of Yore: Back to School Edition

Ahhh fall, the leaves have begun turning their pretty shades of red and yellow.  New episodes of your favorite shows are back, finally.  And your kiddos are proudly marching up the steps to their school with new backpack on back and lunch box in hand. 

Michael wondered what happened to those big yellow things on wheels as he got stuck behind traffic in a school zone.

This set of stories, one from when Peeved Michelle and I tried to go back to school, always cracks me up.

Jen14221 made the mistake of going to The Happiest Place on Earth during a school holiday.

Hazel doesn't like it when kids are selling things for school because she has no will power.

Jujubee had troubles with little Juju's teacher.  She does not like fun. 

Melissa, who is a teacher, was fortunate enough one year to get all the convicts in one class.

Mother Nature Hates a Slattern.

I ran a load of dishes through the dishwasher and then let the clean dishes sit for a couple of days with the washer door cracked slightly open, since I did not feel like putting them away immediately.

This morning, when I DID feel like putting them away, I found a little spiderweb in one of the inverted saucepans.

In a perfect world, the web would have spelled out "SOME PIG." 

Hizzle My Brothizzle, Bizzle Off

During a telephone call to wish my sister-in-law a happy birthday, she felt the need to mention that my brother is the least romantic man she knows.  She went on to say that he is insensitive and selfish.   She complained that she was more lonely being married than she was when she was single and questioned her decision to get married.  This is just a snippet of the rant I listened to.  She apologized for venting to me, explaining that she didn't have anyone else to talk to.  Last time I checked, she had a sister and another sister-in-law that isn't related to her husband. Keep a journal. Go audition for a blog. I realize my brother has faults, but maybe you should get off your fucking high horse and turn the mirror towards yourself, Sis.  I don't want to hear that shit about my brother, yo.

Since I am a peacekeeper, I let her go. This time. The final time.

Email Etiquette

When sending group email, you have to expect that at least one or more person will accidentally "reply all." Hey, it happens. When sending an email to one member of the group, what I don't expect is to receive their reply as a forward to the entire group. That's not an accident unless your email program has a button that says "forward this to everyone, you vindictive bitch."

Everything Is an Issue

Dear Coworker,

Must you cc everyone on the fucking planet when something doesn't work quite how it is expected to?  Really?  Did you have to tell our VP of Finance and Provost?  Why not alert the president too?!  Fuck.  It was a fucking refund someone shouldn't have gotten.  We could have just figured it out and moved on but oh no, now it is a fucking "issue."  Fuck you.

Sincerely,

She who hates you

Will there be an ass explosion?

I just got one of these chairs for my office.  My favorite thing is the feature, "Anti-Burst."  It got me thinking, what if the anti-bursting property doesn't work with my ass?   How funny/tragic will it be if the ball bursts?

I have to assemble it now.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

Dooce Proofing

People in my company know about this blog and it is primarily because I am unimaginative and I have a big mouth. I work at an internet company on the "thinking up things for the web site" team. Sometimes, I use this blog as an example of things I am trying to demonstrate, like pagination or, most recently, the implementation of a Twitter hashtag widget.

I say, "Go to thepeevery.com." My coworker pulls up the site and I say, "Never visit this site again."

That's good enough, right? Hey, company, no reason to fire me here. Move along.

How Odd.

I just found an M&M on the office floor by my left foot, but I have not eaten an M&M all week.  Has it been here without my noticing for the last three days?  Did it fall out of a passing package?  Did the little pixies leave it for me as some kind of offering?

I like these options much better than the obvious: Maintenance is lazy.

Not what I expected

I like to try new things when I go out to eat, and I consider myself a little adventerous, especially for someone who was raised on Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and iceberg lettuce.

However, when I order a duck and shrimp arepa (sort of a Venezuelan tortilla) for dinner, I think that if it comes to me looking like this:

You need to put a disclaimer on the menu.

My Soccer Magnet is Cooler Than Your Vanity Plate

I get really mean and judgey when I am driving, I'm not sure why, but I really cannot stand those stickers on the back of people's cars that read, "Back off, I'm in a bad mood today...." or some other stupid shit. You have no idea how badly that makes me want to ride their ass. Especially when it's a hybrid driver going 10 miles under the speed limit.

Update: Peeves on Twitter

The Twitter widget on The Peevery is now working. (Farther down on the right side.) All you need to do is use #peeve in your Twitter update and your tweet will appear in the widget.

Follow The Peevery on Twitter.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

I love how people assume that because I care about my community, volunteering, and helping people that I must be a democrat and then assume that they may send me every single pro-Obama, anti-McCain email chain message out there.

Because if you're not an Obama fan then you must be pro-life, pro-big-corporate, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-"family values" and anti-community and you don't want to help people.  Because it's just easier to categorize people that way. 

Red Cross Brings the Awesome

Yesterday, I had to attend one of my company's emergency preparedness meetings. Half of the meeting was about our building in particular and what to do in case of fire, earthquake or other evacuation. The other half of the meeting was about what we should do at home to prepare for emergencies and was presented by a local director of the Red Cross.

The Red Cross director was a hunky older dude who looks like he'd play a tough-as-nails chief of police who really has a heart of gold. He had a muscular build, gray hair, striking blue eyes, the works. He asked questions like, "Statistically, how many people in this room have an emergency kit at home?" He delved deeper and deeper into what should be in our kits and the likelihood of us needing to use them.

It was at that point that he brought the awesome. He said, "The reality is that within the next 30 years we will have a 7.9 or higher magnitude earthquake and some of you in this room will die because you aren't prepared." When he was met with shocked faces and stunned silence, I saw the "Oops" on his face. Then he said, "Well, hopefully none of you will die because you will be prepared." AWESOME.

Story Time is Over

Dear "Friend:"

Have you noticed how, before every get-together, you make a comment about how you hope I have some "good stories" for you? And have you noticed how I never ever acknowledge that comment?

Just because you're on your way to OldBoredMarriedLady status does not mean I exist for your enjoyment. If you want filthy stories, I suggest VC Andrews.

Signed,

Your Single Friend Who Does Not Envy Your Life and Wants You to Stop Envying Hers

Dichotomy

On the one hand I find it insane how much food is sold at the drug store.  On the other I'm a little bit peeved when they don't carry what I need for dinner tonight.  I can buy taco seasoning and taco sauce but no taco shells?  What's that about?

Big Surprise!

Hey!  Did you know Clay Aiken is gay?!  Wow, what a shock!  Now will he go away?

Same Difference.

Really? You really need help figuring out when to use excel vs word? Because I don't need any help figuring out when to kick your ass vs when to bitchslap you in public. Also, who still says same difference?

Business Terms I Hate

Transparency:  If a business is being transparent, they generally don't need to say "We need to be transparent."  It is a nonsense phrase that means, to me, it won't really happen.  Kind of like how My-Tee Fine ice cream can't really be that mighty fine because otherwise they wouldn't need to tell you in the name.

I'm Not A PC

I finally got a laptop at work. Prior to this, I've used a desktop with no speakers. So now that I am sound-worthy again, this freaking Vista machine makes so many alert sounds that I can't figure out what they are for. Now I have an alert for AIM, Google chat (and the fact that half the office uses one or the other is a whole other peeve), email, that I am going nuts with all the sounds. Then there are beeps that I don't even know what they are for--because I look at the chats, look at email and there is nothing new. Gah! Next time I'll ask for a Mac laptop.

Maybe You Need Better Glasses

Do not try to guilt me into taking on a problem project by saying it will "give me more visibility in the company." The company has about 20 people. I have plenty of visibility. And I didn't just play a small role in the many improvements that have been made. I played a large role (although there is a long road to go and the jury is still out on all this). That would make me quite visible.

Open Peeve Friday: "Why don't you just start to expect it on Monday?" Edition

Andrea has a couple peeves this week:

Why are my feet all of a sudden touching the footboard on my bed? Have I suddenly grown? I don't think so. All my clothes still fit fine. Dammit, now I have to start looking for another bed without a footboard.

...

To All The RV Drivers:

Please don't pull Prius' behind you. You are not fooling anyone into thinking you are looking out for the enviroment. It also does not mean you get to feel better about driving and RV. Good lookin out dude.

Thanks.

Amy M. has a peeve:

If you choose to be a smoker, fine. But when you choose to smoke on the playground where my children are playing? Not fine. Seriously, who consciously lights up around kids? Oh yeah, you actually do - unfortunately, you have kids of your own.
-Amy M., the adamant anti-smoker*

*No offense to any Peevery peevers or readers who smoke. I know YOU do not light up around kids...

Erin has a peeve:

Strap Me Down

Here in the South, women are still wearing spaghetti strap tank tops with their bra straps showing. Ladies, they make this garment called the STRAPLESS bra so we don't have to see your regular bra straps. It looks trashy. Oh, and the bras with the "clear" straps? We can still see them!

Overkill

I'm sure I'm as excited as the next person about the upcoming Heroes premiere, which is to say mildly but since season two was not that great I've got lowered expectations, but I'm fairly certain an hour long Countdown to Heroes Premiere is not something I consider "Must-See TV."

Happy Birthday

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to our very own Peeve Master, Michelle.  A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around  the sun.  Enjoy the trip.

The Peevery on Twitter

The Peevery is now on Twitter, so if you like that sort of thing, follow The Peevery. I also added a widget on the right side of the blog that pulls in all of your peeves from Twitter. All you need to do is include #peeve in your Twitter post and it will appear in the widget. Fancy, right?

UPDATE: The widget isn't working properly, but keep using the tag. I will get the widget working.

You can also follow me on Twitter, if you like. If any of the other Peevers don't mind you following them, hopefully they will post links to their Twitter profiles in the comments of this post.

The Peevery FAQ

It seems like we've had a crop of new readers lately. (I know you're out there, lurkers!) Perhaps it is a good time for a refresher about The Peevery. Check out The Peevery FAQ. If you have additional questions, post them in the comments on that page, not on this post.

Peeves of Yore: Peeve Mistress Edition

In honor of the Peeve Mistress herself's birthday on Saturday, this Peeves of Yore is dedicated to Peeved Michelle, the original Peever.

Few people know The Peevery actually started nine years ago with Michelle's first website.  Here are her very first published peeves ever!

Once Peeved Michelle dreamed of beating a man with his own fake leg.  It is a good thing she didn't beat him because then she wouldn't have gotten to move cubicles and discover a fate that may or may not be worse than pegleg pete... stinky cube neighbor.  She then discovered an untapped potential for work slackery.

Fast forward a few months and Michelle takes her peeves to the airways.  Sadly, Jamie and Danny don't make her their newest morning show bitch.

In 2004 Peevishness and Botheration (The Peevery's original title) celebrated its 1000 post with drinks and Peeved Michelle's almost death. Good thing that didn't happen, how could she have provided us with tasty rum recipes for New Year's? 

In 2005, she had to change her name.  She was no longer the Michelle we knew... instead she became Peeved Michelle. She also pointed out why 05 was not a good time to have kids.  I'm hoping the ulu knife is now put away, but I'm sure the rum can stay on the side table.

The Peevery hasn't been without its ups and downs.  In 06 we had quite a bit of Peevery drama thanks to the Web Divas who were cowardly bitches.  PM displayed her artistic talents (and mine as well). Peeved Michelle also showed her softer side with a Donor's Choose project that The Peevery contributed to.

2007 brought the Peevery a little announcement in the form of a peeve.  PM received some pink crocs and gave us a preview of peeved baby.  But the real thing is much cuter!  And finally, she rounded out the Peevery Year with a Black Friday contest.

Happy Birthday Michelle!

Buttwipe!

My child's daycare provider has a "no adults" policy in the children's bathroom once they can go by themselves. However, there is a huge difference between a child that finally recognizes the gotta go feeling and one that can adequately wipe his or her own ass. Day three of skidmarks and rashes. Good times.

She's Copying ME, Dammit.

I have to get new glasses and I have to get them now, because my current frames bear an uncomfortable resemblance to Sarah Palin's. 

Fun Quiz Time!

This is a replica of a note that was handed to me by a co-worker.

What is it?

a)   A passcode to our company lockbox

b)   The balance in our bank accounts

c)    A phone number of someone whose call I have to return

d)    Sudoku sidebar scribble

The answer is C.   Who writes a phone number like that?  Cheese-n-rice!  It's been confusing me all day.          

Suck It IE!

Dear Internet Explorer,

There are new posts on The Peevery.  I know this because at least one is mine.  Why, oh why, will you not show them to me?  I have done all the right things.  I have opened a new internet browser.  I have cleared the cache.  I have done everything short of shutting down and restarting and still I'm stuck on Rhymin' and Stealin' and I don't even know what that post refers to! God, I kind of hate you!

Thanks for nothing,

Joanne
(Who is stuck with IE becuase this is a work computer!)

PS Apparently even Google is conspiring against me because in the Google Reader all I can see is up to Rhymin' and Stealin'.  It's a nefarious plot by Melissa I tell you.  A plot!

Mind Over Matter

My name is Nikki and I'm a hypochondriac. The mere act of reading about illnesses causes me to feel symptoms immediately.

After just ten minutes of reading the New York Times, I have diagnosed myself with listeria, bird flu and I think I might be pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby.

What is playing TODAY?

I hate it when I am looking up movies on Yahoo Movies and the theater listing lists quite a few movies that haven't started yet.  I don't care what is starting tomorrow.  I especially don't care about a movie starting in October (Death Note 2: The Last Name).  I put today's date in the search field, hence I want to know what is playing today. 

Break Room Roulette

You know you're desperate when the only snacks left in the breakroom -- after a summer bonanza of fudge from the shore, zucchini bread and fresh fruit -- is a sorry-ass box of salt water taffy that has been there since July and the only color left is yellow but you really gotta have it.  Lemon or banana?  Time to pull the trigger.

Rhymin' and Stealin'

Are there no other words that rhyme with things? I've been biting my tongue all summer long about this peeve but cannot take it. Robert James Ritchie, I'm looking at you.

Me vs. The Volcano

I have a volcano zit on my chin. Of course I have a dinner thing to attend. How old am I?  Seriously. When does this blemish-having stop?   

Stick It Up Your....

I am not a big fruit eater.  Putting little stickers on my plums that require delicate surgery for removal will not encourage me to eat more fruit.  And when half of the skin comes off with said sticker that really pisses me off because I'm told the skin is high in fiber and nutrients.  Fruit stickers can stick it!

Fail.

If I remind people of their commitments too many times, I'm seen as an obsessive nag and people hate me. If I don't nag, shit gets screwed up and people hate me. 

Over the past three weeks, I talked to three people in the company about promoting an event in today's e-news. All three people assured me the event would be posted and promoted. And yet, in today's newsletter, no hay nada. Nothing. This doesn't bode well for the event if the company people don't know about it. 

Why Isn't There a Category Called 'Life?'

I'm shamelessly copying Jen#43529802:

1. I took my car in today for her 30k checkup. The pricelist said this will cost me $549.00. What a rip-off.

2. I walked in from having a smoke and my shoe broke, rendering it COMPLETELY unwearable. I walked barefoot to and from a meeting, anticipating my AVP around every corner.

3. The dealership called and says I need two new tires. Their price? $540. They aren't sure if any of this is covered under my tire/hubcap warranty, since that was purchased at a different inventory. Not exactly sure why that matters...

4. I am dating a boy who lives in what is seriously the hardest place to get to. (Notice I didn't say literally?) While I like the dude a lot, it kills me to pay $500 to spend a couple days with him.

5. I ordered new contacts yesterday. Why? Because I lost one, and it made more sense to get two new (with updated prescriptions and new can-be-slept-in material) than just one.

6. I am relatively certain that I left the ground turkey that was going to be tonight's dinner, on the counter last night. I'm also pretty sure it's defrosted by now.

It's not called the Hideousness Supply Store!

Why would a beauty supply store hire the ugliest women in the county to sell its products?   

These women aren't slightly unsightly.  They are undeniably U.G.L.Y. and they don't have an alibi, because they have all the prettying supplies at their fingertips.

One of the fright sisters has teeth that appear to be little chunks of black asphalt she shoves in her mouth each morning before she eats a breakfast of black licorice.  The other has a mole the size of a nickel resting on her lip, and does not appear to be even as skilled as Amy with her mascara application.  Their hacking smoker's coughs could set off car alarms.

Or, maybe, just maybe, it's a clever sales method.  "Look how hideous we are - don't you want to add some hair conditioner, teeth whitener, depilatory and deep pore cleanser to your shopping basket?"                

Priorities, Man!

The same man that refuses to turn his socks right-side-out before putting them in the hamper will get out of bed to adjust the dog's pillow.  I just don't get it.

Irreconcilable Differences

We are going to Toronto for ten days for a "vacation" and the trip is already stressing me out. I have made it clear a number of times to my father that I am not going back and forth between his and my mother's house with my 19 month old. We will of course spend lots of time with him and his family but will not be sleeping at his house. My persnickity kid refuses to sleep in a pack 'n play and I am not carting a crib from house to house. I am sorry that my seven year old sister is upset that we won't be sleeping over there but get over it.

There should be a rule that divorced parents are not allowed to inflict guilt upon their children for choosing one parent over the other. It's not my fault they couldn't go the distance.

Amy's Laws of Mascara

No matter how careful I am about applying my ritual thick black eyelash goo, at least one of three things will happen on a semi-weekly basis:

1)  I will manage to smear a big glob of mascara under my eye.  In removing the glob, I will dislodge most of my undereye concealer.  My natural dark circles will merge beautifully with the mascara residue, and I will resemble a penguin or a battered wife for the rest of the day.

2)  I will sneeze during or immediately after mascara application, causing big black lines under both eyes.  This is known as the Malcolm McDowell in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE effect.

3) I will realize sometime mid-morning that when I pushed my slipping glasses up my bridgeless nose, I shoved them too close to my still-wet mascara and left black streaks all over the inside of the lenses.

Any sensible people who tell me "Just give up mascara" have obviously never seen my naked eyes, which are about the size of raisins.