It is with sadness in my heart and a tingle in my pants (and, admittedly, a little tinkle, too), that I announce my departure from The Peevery. For the past year together we’ve shared laughs, frustrations, tears and a raging case of super crabs, but the time has come for us to stop scratching and say goodbye.
For a site dominated by female voices, I have tried to offer a distinctly male perspective. While I may have relied too heavily on butt sex innuendo and dead hooker jokes, please know that my intentions were pure. Well, pure may not be the right word, but something like pure only filthy and perverted.
On the bright side, The Peevery will no longer have to worry about me leaving the toilet seat up, casually tossing my soiled underwear on the floor, or inappropriately rubbing up against the other Peevers in the break room. It is also my hope that this departure will serve as a sufficient settlement to all the pending litigation, and that we can finally allow the healing process to begin.
As for me, I’ve joined the military and am off to defend our country against the freedom-hating jaywalking scourge that is plaguing Greenland. I will fight them over there, so you don’t have to swerve in traffic to avoid them over here.
Speaking of which, my recruitment officer just arrived to take me to the airport, so I need to wrap… “Hey! Can’t you see I’m…Get your goddamn hands off of me! I’ll go willingly…just let me…MOMMY!”
WESTERN UNION TELEGRAM
From: Greenland
To: Peevery
Dear Peevery STOP
Sorry for the abrupt ending to my last post STOP It seems the Greenland Army is not very trusting of their new recruits STOP It also seems I made a big mistake STOP It’s freezing here and everyone stinks like fish STOP I think my balls are frozen to the chair STOP
Excuse me, sir, how much does a telegram cost? STOP Fifty cents a letter, are you kidding me? STOP Holy shit, I’d better keep it brief then STOP Wait, you’re not sending all this are you? STOP No, no, don’t send it. I’m just talking to you. STOP I know you don’t get paid to talk, that’s not the point STOP Please stop sending everything I say STOP Jesus, dude, you’re killing me STOP Knock it off! STOP Aaaahhhh! STOP (mumbling to self) STOP
Suck it! STOP
Crunchy Blue Commando, signing off.
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