The Peevery

Cup of Coffee!

Do not remain by the kettle getting cold simply because I forget about you when I'm messaging on my laptop! Instead incorporate an alarm format, to remind me of your readiness to drink, so that I don't have to end up making a second cup every time.

Fucking Asshat

The one night I'm home to watch a new OC, and the fucking prez is on.

Asshat. You suck, ya stupid monkey.

Genuine Condundrum

I like the new Paris Hilton perfume. I didn't want to like it. But I do. Even though I hate her. So now I'm faced with - do I buy the perfume and add to a stupid rich girl's fortune? Or do I not, and deny myself something I truly like?

Sigh. Woe is me.

Thanks...

Dear Stupid ass neighbors,

If your children are sick, especially with a stomach virus of any sort, please do not send them over to play with my children. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate me sending over a vomit inducing bug to your house, so please show me the same consideration.

Thanks,

Heather, owner of the giant jungle gym that your kids will never touch again unless they are surrounded by a plastic bubble.

P.S. DO YOU HAVE A FREAKING BRAIN CELL IN YOUR HEAD????

How It Works

You ask a question to me; I take that question to someone else, have that discussion, and bring the answer back to you. You don't agree with the answer. Well, my instinct is to tell you tough shit, but since I'm nice, I don't. I agree to set up a mtg with the involved parties. One can't attend.

I ask you for your specific questions in writing, since you've told me to cancel the meeting. You tell me you don't have time. I say without the mtg, we can get questions answered via email.

Don't tell me the answer is bullshit, which you did, which was rude. Tell me your specific items of concern and I'll try to help. Do not take your frustration out on me, since I didn't make the goddamn rules in the first place.

Ewww, Gross

I sunburned my left arm during my drive back from RedNeckVille a few weeks ago. It's now peeling.

Ewwwww, skin flakes.

This Is Seriously Wrong

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7600056/

Birds in the Tree Outside my Bedroom Window!

Do not squalk the Hallelullia Chorus from 4.30am, keeping me awake from my much needed rest. Instead learn to chirp in silent acapella so that I may continue to sleep and not be grumpy tired all the next day.

Computer Shop Down The Road - AGAIN!!

Do not decide to close on a public holiday without discussing it with me first, so that I have a wasted journey to your store for the second day in a row. Instead, call me up before you make that decision, just to make sure I have nothing I need replaced.

And while we're on the subject -

Borders Bookstore and Safeways Supermarket! Do not suddenly change your opening hours to

1pm

instead of

7am

simply because it is a public holiday, so that when I arrive there at

12.30pm

after my second wasted trip to the computer shop down the road in two days, I am then faced with a further half hour wait until you open! Instead, co-ordinate with me on any changes to normal opening times, or at least bring my desired purchases to my house the night before, so that I am not stood in the street for 30 mins waiting for you to open, looking like an asshole.

Oh, and Gym That I Sometimes Go To! (And I stress the word "sometimes"...). Do not decide to close altogether just because it is a public holiday so that I, and every other bored fucker in

Melbourne

, have nothing to do all day. Instead ... oh, just get fucked....

You're Kidding. Right?

You want me to fill what with what, and depress the plunger into WHERE?

Cheezels Original Cheese Corn Chips!

Do not burn the roof of my mouth with your corn-chippy roughness and cheese powder coating! Instead simply satisfy me with fromage tinged goodness!

Computer Shop Down the Road!

Do not make me waste my journey to your store by being closed when I get there! Just because I keep thinking it's Saturday instead of Sunday! Instead, stay open seven days a week so that no matter what day I think it is I can still nip in and exchange my USB port!

Hi, I'm not an idiot, jackass.

I've been having issues with my Prius lately. It's a Toyota hybrid in case you were wondering. Damn thing just up and dies on me on the freeway three weeks ago. And I must mention that it took AAA three hours to get a tow truck to me, but that is another peeve.

So my service advisor which I didn't choose, but some how got assigned to me, treats me just fine in person, but whenever I have to talk to him on the phone, it's like he can't be bothered to speak to a woman because she obviously wouldn't know a thing about cars. Well, you know what, jackass? I knew enough to buy the car.

So now, as I take the car back for the second time since they returned it to me, you'd better look out Rueben, because if I see you walking around, I'm going to drive it up your ass.

I am not your lackey!

You are no longer my supervisor. So stop coming to me and asking me to do things for you! If you want to make me a Product Manager, then do so. But if they are your products, do it your fucking self!

Anticipation

I have two things in the works. One is a contract position for more money doing something I only sort of like. The position is for three months with a good possibility for an extension. The other thing is a permanent position that has everything my current position lacks, except for a better location. Neither thing is happening as quickly as I would like it to and the anticipation is killing me. There is always the third possibility: both things will fall through and I will have to stay in my current job.

Seriously

You're crying at work, AGAIN. If life is that fucking bad, take some time off to deal.

And let your coworkers know if anything is seriously wrong so we can stop wondering wtf is going on. Maybe your cat died; maybe it's your mom. If we don't know the importance, we will think you a stupid crying bitch.

Small. Words.

I don't write complicated emails. The fact that you had to ask me to explain my 2-sentence email makes me think you're an idiot. Did you READ the email? Could you have looked at the issue # I put in there? Could you have attempted to make any sense of it?

Seriously.

Grrr

If you see me with a fork in my mouth - and it's lunchtime - do you really think your minor, minor, lower-than-low severity issue needs to be discussed NOW?

You just did this to me AGAIN. Back the fuck away!

Do You Really Want Me to Answer?

I already admitted to missing a line in your e-mail to me that would have answered my reply to you. Perhaps you love sending e-mails so much that my eyes tend to glaze over your ramblings. And you are certainly notorious for forwarding e-mails to people who are clearly on the distribution list, so I'm not the only one to not read through. But don't keep following up with questions which I assume are meant to sarcastic. Because you really don't want me to reply honestly.

This is help?

So, I get this e-mail from a recruiting company to go to their site for a free resume analysis. Then they will follow up to contact me to discuss my career path (no word yet as to whether this is free). So, I fill out their questionaire and attach the resume. They send me a decent evaluation. So far, so good.

But then, I get an e-mail from one of the bigwigs to reply back when would be best for him to call me to discuss this further. Still no word on whether or not this is free. But, I would think that someone who wants to train me on the best way to find a new career job would at least use my name in the greeting. No, it starts "Dear ," - that's right no first name. I would think the first lesson in how to attract an employer would be to write a letter. In the letter, it might be advisable to include the person's name. Schmuck, don't worry, I won't charge for that advice!

Another thing...

I hate about this one person I hate is that she is always saying, "Oh, I use Mozilla," like that makes her some kind of internet expert.

Feel free...

to quit your damn sighing anytime now. You are going to hyperventilate and pass out. On second thought, keep at it.

Hurry Up & Wait

Nice of you, boss, to sit on two new processes for literally WEEKS and then send them to us for verification. Telling us "again I need to initiate this ASAP. I will update the timelines today and place them in the timeline folder with the project folders." really just makes me hate you more.

Now WE have to drop everything to give you feedback on your write-ups (which, by the way, suck). Nice try.

Timing

Yay for state tax refunds not even 2 weeks before vacation!

Employers!

Stop telling me I'm overqualified for the jobs I apply for and just give me one of the damn things!

If I didn't want the fucking job I wouldn't apply for it in the first place.

Jesus...

Bzzzzz!

Damn, bastard, fucking, asshole mosquitoes, hiding all day and appearing the second I go to bed at night, biting me on every uncovered piece of flesh while I sleep, leaving little bastard red lumps all over me, so itchy that I break the skin scratching them. Just fuck off back to Russia or something...

Grrrrrrrrr

Fuck. Fuck man, fuck. 12:45 on a Friday shit hits the fan - just in time for my 1-3 mtg.

Guess I fucked myself over when I wrote on my board, 'See you Monday!'

Fuck.

Responsibility

Seriously. Have some accountability for your job. Don't push everything off from your plate onto others. Help out a little bit. Make an effort. Be polite. Smile. It won't kill you. Honest. Trust me.

And to Stupid Rude Girl...words cannot convey how much I loathe you. If your phone blows up and kills you, it serves you right for spending so much time on it. I hate you hate you hate you hate you.

iTunes!

Do not sit idly back playing with youself and not automatically converting my WMA files to iTunes when I install you! Instead work like you're supposed to and convert the damn things so I can use my iPod! You know I am about as computer literate as an orange and haven't got a clue what to do now! Fucker...

Milk!

Do not run out right after I have made myself a coffee! Instead become an everlasting udder in my fridge so that I can grope a squirt of lactose orientated goodness whenever I feel the need for a tasty, brown caffeine-tinged hot drink.

I Hate My Boss

I was forcefully volunteered to be on a committee at work. After our first meeting, I asked boss why I was picked, since I know nothing about the topic. She said the ringleader of the committee went to boss's boss and said he was going to do this committee and wanted me on it.

Gee, thanks. Boss, thanks for saying I have too much on my plate and offering up New Girl, who doesn't know jack shit. This would allow NG to learn something, and give me 2 less mtgs a week. But noooooo.

Boss also sent an email out to us today. Her email contained two examples of what not to say on our weekly status report. Both examples were mine.

Bitch, if you don't like what I'm saying, speak to me! Don't call me out in front of the whole team!

Boss also called me at 1:05 today, leaving an urgent VM, telling me the team meeting has started and where they are. Bitch, if you read your email from me at 9:31am, you'd see I said I had a mtg conflict and wouldn't be there.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Around the World in 80 Peeves (ok then – in 8…uh, well maybe in 10…)

Staff in the Café at Edinburgh Airport!
Do not leave empty plates and cups lying hap-hazardly on the tables after former customers have left, especially when I have asked you three times to take them away. Instead be flighty on your toes and have them removed in a vigilant manner, so that when I sit down with my bottle of OJ, I am unfussed by former patrons’ clutter.

German Train Schedules!
Do not presume that everyone else in the world can goose-step their way to the platforms with the same Teutonic efficiency as your people can. Instead allow the trains to wait at least five seconds after their allotted departure time, so that I do not have to stand screaming profanity after the carriage, when I arrive to see it pulling away into the night, leaving me stranded in an unknown foreign town.

The Batteries in my Camera!
Do not run out at inappropriate times, so that I am unable to take supporting documentary evidence of peeves, such as a photograph of the train above pulling away. Instead last forever, so that I may snap to my heart’s content, building up evidence as I see fit.

German Beer!
Do not lull me into a false sense of security by pretending to be weak, so that I get really drunk in some unknown German town and end up making an ass of myself in front of strangers, including many cute German girls. Instead warn me of your potency in advance, so that I may temper my drinking and can remain urbane and witty all night long, leaving me at least some hope that the aforementioned cute German girls might invite me home.

View Over The Atlantic!
Do not remain dull and uninteresting by showing only clouds and sea for 15 hours. Instead provide views of majestic hills and mountains, or herds of wildebeest or some other such exotic creature in its habitat, to amuse me during the flight.

Internet Machine at Fort Mason Hostel in San Francisco!
Do not block access to my blog so that I have to tramp half way across the city looking for an internet café. Instead allow me to log onto any site I feel like, including porn sites if I want to. Not that I want to, I’m just saying, you know…

San Francisco!
Do not have only 2 internet outlets in a twenty block radius of Fisherman’s Wharf. Instead have them in every other shop so that competition is rife and costs remain low, and I do not have to tramp halfway across the city looking for an internet cafe because the machine at Fort Mason hostel won’t allow me to log onto any site I feel like, including porn sites if I want to, not that I want to, I’m just saying.

Golden Gate Bridge!
Do not start to sway from side to side while I am walking across you, making me believe an earthquake is happening, and that I am about to be pitched headlong into the bay. Instead ignore all laws of natural physics and the fact that you are a suspension bridge, and remain steady and secure no matter how strong the wind is, so that I do not shit myself.

My Immune System!
Do not surrender to the flu the day after I arrive in the US and spoil my entire vacation by making me curl up in a sweating, feverish, vomiting ball in my dorm bed for the next six days, being ignored by everyone, too ill to even move, feeling like I am in Solitary Confinement in a Turkish prison. Instead, batter the living crap out of any germs that come near me so that I can enjoy my time in the US, and do not have to cancel my plans to go to Long Beach. Bastard.

United Airlines!
Do not allocate me a window seat after I ask for – and am told I can have – an aisle seat, do not ask if I would like a coffee then walk off without giving me one (twice!), do not show ‘romantic comedies’ such as Bridget Jones and Shall We Dance, do not seat me next to a passenger so androgynous that I call it “man” for the whole flight, only to notice it has breasts as we disembark, and do not have cabin staff older than my grandmother. Instead learn to fucking type.

So ends my list of travel peeves. For now…

Parts of Speech

Noun: Person, place, or thing.

If you interject nouns into your everyday speech, I promise we'll communicate better. Instantly.

Try it. You might find you like being understood.

Careful What You Wish For

I found out today through the informal grapevine that my shitty boss will no longer be my shitty boss. Her shortcomings have been widely published and she will be moved out of her role as boss lady.

My new boss is a tool and I don't communicate well with him.

Fuck.

So Not a Peeve

I love Taco Bell.

I know it's not a peeve, but I'm hoping PM - our adored Queen - leaves my knees alone.

We have moved! The Peevery

We have moved! The Peevery is now open for business. I hearby proclaim this blog moved the fuck off of Blogger, the most unreliable web application I have ever used. We will now be manufacturing peeves at The Peevery. Please check it out and update your links accordingly.

All of the archived posts

All of the archived posts didn't make it over to the new site, and the ones that did make it, came without comments, so please check out the archives for past peeves.