Nitrous

I am not cut out for drug use. The nitrous that the dentist gave me (for free, so that I could try it out - like he was a dealer, trying to get me hooked) made me seriously loopy. At first I noticed that various parts of my face were losing feeling but it was like it was only on the outside, on my skin. The sensation began pulsating to some disco soundtrack I couldn't hear. I closed my eyes and became afraid that I would never be able to open them again. I was relieved to find that I still could, so I closed them again. Then I felt like I was paralyzed. My body wasn't moving. I told my arm to lift itself and it did. Another sigh of relief. Then the disco pulsing in my face started again.

The dentist came in and asked me if I was doing ok. I already had gauze and various Q-tips full of topical anaesthetic stuffed into my mouth, but my "uh huh" was easily understood. He asked if I was getting sleepy. I took stock of my body and answered, "I nuh no," and shrugged my shoulders. He left so I thought maybe that was the wrong answer and tried to be asleep. It was hard to fall asleep with the disco pulsing. I had the presence of mind to realize that I was freaking high and I understood why some people would like to do this recreationally.

The dentist came back in and tried to kill me. The paralysis was back, though, so I couldn't do anything but lie there and accept my fate. I was getting ready to make my final confession so that I could be sure to get into heaven when I realized he wasn't trying to kill me. The gun he was pointing at my head was actually a hypo full of novocaine. I'm glad I didn't say anything. It was at this point that I realized I wasn't cut out for drug use. I would totally be that paranoid drug addict who tapes hairs across the doors and has a secret knock.

Even realizing that I was in a state of drug-induced paranoia, I still thought the dentist might try to disfigure me. But he has celebrity clients! Surely I could trust a dentist who works on celebrities.

Things got really fast. The dentist seemed to be able to work at hyperspeed. I tried to sleep again. I woke up minutes or hours or days later and wondered if I was never going to get to leave. Time continued to defy all physics theories by speeding up and slowing down until I figured we must surely be nearing the end of this.

Some days later it was over. My entire face was numb and my traumatized gums looked like they belonged on a corpse. The dentist told the receptionist to go get me a diet coke to refresh them, which I thought was quite odd, but at least I have a medical sanction for my diet coke habit now.

The end result is that I now have healthy gums and the impressions of my teeth are on their way to Invisalign so that they can create my braces. The dentist asked me about my nitrous experience. No pain but I don't think the gas is for me.